Question For Mothers: Your Son's Girlfriend

[Strych9]

Marriage might not be in the equation YET, but what are those important things you seek out in a young woman courting your son?

 

Ideally, what is she like?

 

What are the deal breakers?

[Stung]

Yeah, my son is only 13 months old so this is pretty theoretical...I like to think my biggest concern would be whether or not she made my son happy. As long as she was a good person and made him a happy man, I wouldn't care about most other factors, like her race, age, size, religion, if 'she' was a man... There are some dealbreakers, though. I would be very concerned and skeptical if he was quite young and she was a good deal older than him, or vice versa, or if she had a drug problem, or if I thought she was after him for duplicitous purposes of some kind.

[TaraMaiden]

She has to be able to cook him three square meals a day, and pack a healthy lunchbox, with a sandwich, some lo-fat chips, an apple, a healthy soya drink and a diet snickers bar.

She should avoid suggestive lingerie, because such obscene things can turn a man's mind to jello, and she must be able to vacuum, wash dishes, launder clothing and dust, all at the same time.

She should wear thermal underwear at all times, and cover her face during *s-e-x* because then she will be certain that my son's affections are sincere, and not based on lust and unwholesome and depraved thoughts.

She should know how to work a lawnmower, car-jack and know which end of an electric generator is which, because my son has nice hands, and shouldn't be asked to ruin them.

She should like ironing, because in time, she'll be doing mine too, and she should be willing to take the dogs out for walks in the early morning and late at night, because those huskies thrive on exercise.

Finally, she should be well aware and completely understand that my son's birthdays are celebrated by all the family, even gramps in the asylum's let out for this one, and that all other family birthdays are cause for mirth, celebration and fine dining.

At her house.

We number 56 in all.

That's just about one a week....

 

all year.

She should understand that television is the source of lies and deception, and that carbolic soap is very good for the skin.

It's good enough for me, and good enough for my mother, who only goes through one razor a week, now she's using it as shaving soap too.

 

I think that covers it.

 

For now.....

[Stung]

She has to be able to cook him three square meals a day, and pack a healthy lunchbox, with a sandwich, some lo-fat chips, an apple, a healthy soya drink and a diet snickers bar.

She should avoid suggestive lingerie, because such obscene things can turn a man's mind to jello, and she must be able to vacuum, wash dishes, launder clothing and dust, all at the same time.

She should wear thermal underwear at all times, and cover her face during *s-e-x* because then she will be certain that my son's affections are sincere, and not based on lust and unwholesome and depraved thoughts.

She should know how to work a lawnmower, car-jack and know which end of an electric generator is which, because my son has nice hands, and shouldn't be asked to ruin them.

She should like ironing, because in time, she'll be doing mine too, and she should be willing to take the dogs out for walks in the early morning and late at night, because those huskies thrive on exercise.

Finally, she should be well aware and completely understand that my son's birthdays are celebrated by all the family, even gramps in the asylum's let out for this one, and that all other family birthdays are cause for mirth, celebration and fine dining.

At her house.

We number 56 in all.

That's just about one a week....

 

all year.

She should understand that television is the source of lies and deception, and that carbolic soap is very good for the skin.

It's good enough for me, and good enough for my mother, who only goes through one razor a week, now she's using it as shaving soap too.

 

I think that covers it.

 

For now.....

 

 

Should she also be able to make a dress out of a feedbag and a man out of (hypothetical son)?

[Angel1111]

I don't seek out anything. My son's choices have nothing to do with me. If she makes him happy, I'm happy for him. If she makes him sad, I hope I taught him to have enough self-respect to fix it or leave the relationship.

[Tayla]

Tara, I am going to take your commentary in a humorous manner for it seemed so antiquated. Cute though!

 

To those who carry the Gee-I-don't-care-who-he/she brings home. Think again. This person will be welcomed into your family so yes, you do have some hopes and ambitions for your soon to be child-in-law. I don't buy it in the least that a parent can come off as *gosh I ain't marrying them*. No kidding?? Really, how long did that take to figure out?

So move along and really consider the fact that this person will and can wreak havoc into your close knit family, or chose to embellish and enhance the family. DO you really have no sense of guidance when your adult child brings home a person of undesirable attributes. Do you not have any sense of Duty to speak your mind in a respecting manner when this is a decision that DOES affect other people? (Provided as a parent you care about your adult childs' well being). This person may well be the most pleasant person and you may well adore them and welcome them. But whatever the attributes are, speak up about them. Even our best friends would tell us if a persons attributes are enhancing the relationship or creating strife. Why cant a parent say the same thing? Think about it.

[TaraMaiden]

Tara, I am going to take your commentary in a humorous manner for it seemed so antiquated. Cute though!

 

Oh God, yes please do!

It was meant in a completely humorous manner!

To give you insight, even if my child brought home a partner of the same sex, I'd welcome the choice with open arms, because the proviso would be that they be happy together, I wouldn't give a damn what the sexual persuasion was!

 

To those who carry the Gee-I-don't-care-who-he/she brings home. Think again. This person will be welcomed into your family so yes, you do have some hopes and ambitions for your soon to be child-in-law. I don't buy it in the least that a parent can come off as *gosh I ain't marrying them*. No kidding?? Really, how long did that take to figure out?

So move along and really consider the fact that this person will and can wreak havoc into your close knit family, or chose to embellish and enhance the family. DO you really have no sense of guidance when your adult child brings home a person of undesirable attributes. Do you not have any sense of Duty to speak your mind in a respecting manner when this is a decision that DOES affect other people? (Provided as a parent you care about your adult childs' well being). This person may well be the most pleasant person and you may well adore them and welcome them. But whatever the attributes are, speak up about them. Even our best friends would tell us if a persons attributes are enhancing the relationship or creating strife. Why cant a parent say the same thing? Think about it.

 

Oh I have, and I think that's overstepping the mark.

 

"Will and can wreak havoc"...?

Really?

Is that a given definite?

I don't think so....!

I have brought up my child in a good enough way to know I can completely trust their judgement.

If she asks me my opinion, I'd give it, and any counsel sought would be considered and given with a caveat that this is just my opinion based on experience.

But the final choice would be hers, and I'd only give a POV if asked for it.

Kids have a complex enough relationship with their parents without adding another neurosis to it.

[Angel1111]

To those who carry the Gee-I-don't-care-who-he/she brings home. Think again. This person will be welcomed into your family so yes, you do have some hopes and ambitions for your soon to be child-in-law. I don't buy it in the least that a parent can come off as *gosh I ain't marrying them*. No kidding?? Really, how long did that take to figure out?

 

So move along and really consider the fact that this person will and can wreak havoc into your close knit family, or chose to embellish and enhance the family. DO you really have no sense of guidance when your adult child brings home a person of undesirable attributes. Do you not have any sense of Duty to speak your mind in a respecting manner when this is a decision that DOES affect other people? (Provided as a parent you care about your adult childs' well being). This person may well be the most pleasant person and you may well adore them and welcome them. But whatever the attributes are, speak up about them. Even our best friends would tell us if a persons attributes are enhancing the relationship or creating strife. Why cant a parent say the same thing? Think about it.

 

It's not a matter of not caring who my son brings home, the initial question by the OP sounded controlling. Who do I seek out, what are my dealbreakers? Those things don't even come into the picture. I don't seek anyone out for my son. And I don't tell him what MY dealbreakers are because his relationships aren't about me. But, would I comment on anything about his relationship(s) - good or bad? Yes.

 

My son is 19. He's in a great relationship right now, I love the girl and I tell him so, and point out the good things about their relationship. They don't have a tumultuous relationship and it's very stable. One day I could tell he was upset, though, and I asked him what was up. He told me, and I could tell he was a hurt about this issue between them. I really had nothing to say to him because it was really something they had to work out between them. Did it upset me? Absolutely. Anyone who hurts my son automatcially brings out the lioness instinct in me. But I knew they'd work it out and they did.

 

I know that the relationship could go both ways - they could end up getting married once they graduate from college, or they may break up. A break up would be really hard on everyone because our families are already connected, and he's deeply connected to her family. If my son were with someone who was abusive, you're absolutely right that I'd voice my opinion about that. But I'm a firm believer in letting your kids lives their lives, and make their own mistakes. But I also feel that I taught him well because he picks very smart girls, very warm and loving girls, girls who click with him, etc., and he will cut bait quick when he meets someone who clashes with him. So he doesn't give me a lot to worry about. And it would break my heart to see him hurt, there's no question about that.

 

But, again, to imply that my opinion means so much that I seek out qualities, and that I have dealbreakers is just not in my realm of thinking.

Edited December 30, 2009 by Angel1111