Making friends with girls who have boyfriends

[LonelyGuy85]

I work with a girl who is a lot of fun. She is about 5 years younger than me, but she is great to be around. I see her as a friend and don't have any romantic feelings towards her, yet i just can't seem to get her to join us when i try and get people from work to go out. I have met her boyfriend once and he seemed ok, but i didn't really get a chance to talk to him. I have managed to get her to do some things with me outside of work, and last week i opened up to her about myself and she did the same, it was great to feel that comfortable with someone. She admitted to me that the reason she doesn't hang out with me is because he boyfriend would get paranoid about it. I can understand that, i mean it would be suspicious if we hung out all the time.

 

Is there any way to overcome this? I have tried seeing if she wants to bring him as well, but he has little to no interest. Is this a lost cause? Should i just accept that we will never really be friends?

[jerbear]

Keep her as an business associate / colleague.

 

It is like a friend zone because you both have to work at the same place. Keep lunches to groups and business dinners among groups.

[LonelyGuy85]

We hang out in groups as well as one-on-one. I really wish her boyfriend could read my mind and see that i have no intentions of trying anything on with her, but alas that just can't happen. Looks like it's doomed to be friendship that remains within work.

[bunny25k]

interesting... it never occurred to me that someone would try so hard to be friends with a person of the opposite sex that is already in a relationship. why? from her bf's view, she's already spending 40hr/wk with work associates, why add to it? most affairs happen through the workplace. trust and honesty, blah blah blah. putting yourself in a situation intentionally is cause for trouble. the more time you spend bonding with her, feelings are bound to flow.

[LonelyGuy85]

I understand where you're coming from but i don't think i quite agree. I mean there are definitely situations where emtions could come into it, but i know that my relationship with this girl would be friendship based. I like hanging around with her, but i see her as a friend and nothing else and i am pretty sure she sees the same in me. In fact we are going to do something this week outside of work, so the potential for friendship is definitely there. I can also empathise with her BF, i mean i can understand if he wasn't 1oo% ok with it. It does seem like even if you want to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex then them not having a boy/girlfriend is a prerequisite.

[norajane]

I mean there are definitely situations where emtions could come into it, but i know that my relationship with this girl would be friendship based

The thing is, this is exactly how workplace affairs start. If you read through the Other Woman/Other Man forum, you'll see thread after thread started by someone who says "we were just friends; I never ever in a million years thought it would lead to an affair".

 

You see someone frequently at work, you get to know them, you start being friends, the friendship extends too out-of-work activities, you start sharing personal information, you bond, you admire them for whatever qualities that appeal to you, you spend more time together, and one day, you look up and realize you have a major thing for this person whom you've let into your life and become emotionally intimate with. That's how it happens.

 

Few people intend to develop feelings for a coworker who is in a relationship. But the proximity can lead to that even if you don't expect it to. You're already saying you can see how emotions could come into it. Give it some more thought and be honest with yourself...you do find her attractive in some ways, yes?

 

So, she's doing the right thing by limiting the intimacy and interactions to what she and her bf would be comfortable with.

[alphamale]

Should i just accept that we will never really be friends?

yes

 

then you should spend your energy on finding a proper gf

[New_Life08]

You're fighting an emotional affair and so is she. The comment about her bf being paranoid about you two is a good way to place blame when it is really her own issue.

 

Why couldn't she just say.. "We can't hang out because I don't think it's appropriate since I am in a serious relationship." Why pass the buck to make it look like the bf's fault? It's because her curiosity wont let her close the door to forbidden territory.

 

Call it friends all you want, but there is more to it or you wouldn't go out of your way to bring it up on this board.

 

All my best to you.

[Tony T]

We hang out in groups as well as one-on-one. I really wish her boyfriend could read my mind and see that i have no intentions of trying anything on with her, but alas that just can't happen. Looks like it's doomed to be friendship that remains within work.

 

I don't buy that you just want to be "friends" with her. If that was the case, there would be no issue whatsoever and you wouldn't care whether she joined you for every activity. Let is go and let it go now. It's a situation in which you will NEVER win!

[whichwayisup]

Why are you trying so hard to get her to BE your friend?

 

She admitted to me that the reason she doesn't hang out with me is because he boyfriend would get paranoid about it. I can understand that, i mean it would be suspicious if we hung out all the time.

 

She's given you the main reason why she doesn't "hang" out with you. Respect that. She has a boyfriend and IS being considerate about HIS feelings. She doesn't owe you anything more than that, so for your own sake, stop pushing friendship on this girl. She's 5 years younger and obviously has chosen not to hang out with you. Leave it alone and find other friends.