carolinawanderer Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 So I was dumped by a girl I was deeply and truly in love with about five months ago. (Full story is in the Coping forum if you're curious.) One of the reasons I felt really secure with her was that I felt like the practical considerations for our future were similar. I feel like there were plenty of places where we could settle down and be happy - more importantly, we really, really did NOT want kids. She even talked about getting her tubes tied at 21. Obviously, we're not together anymore, and I'm really afraid that I'll find someone else I love very much, but will want to have kids. I've seen that the majority of women do. Am I probably going to get stuck with children I don't want, or are there many women who aren't dead-set on having kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Bejita463 Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I read your full story, and I sympathize with you. You sound like you think in a similar manner as I do. As a result, I understand completely how frustrated you are in trying to make sense out of something that does not make any. For your question, it just depends on the woman. Some really don't want kids, and some think that they do and reconsider later. The opposite also occurs. My ex-wife wanted kids, but acknowledged I might not ever want them (I recognize my own mind may change) and accepted that it might not happen. It is not as much of a bar as you might think, provided you find the right lady. The wrong lady will probably be wrong for more reasons than mere views on children. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 The most important thing in entering any relationship is to be open, frank and honest about this right from the start. And state that in all the time you have dated women, you've never had cause, reason or persuasion to change your mind.... This is a bigger issue than politics, culture or religion. This can be the make-or-break of any situation. The statistics seem to show that if any member of the couple IS going to change their minds of their own accord, it's going to be the woman, because of hormones and the reproductive instinct. I know that looks sexist, but truly, it isn't. I know several women who have never wanted children, but whom all, without exception, have occasionally wondered what it would have been like, and do regret either not having a strong enough maternal instinct, or not having someone to carry the genes. but they still don't regret not having had kids. of the childless-by-choice men I know, not one of them has ever succumbed to such wonderings.... so I think you need to be very clear about it, and state that you will not be emotionally co-erced into relenting, giving in, changing your mind, or being subjected to emotional blackmail. It may sound harsh to them, but it will leave them with no doubts at all. And that's a good thing - isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Throne Of Lies Posted December 26, 2009 Share Posted December 26, 2009 I'm dating a majorly cool girl right now that doesn't want kids. They are pretty rare though, and I don't really like it, as I would like to have numerous progeny. YMMV Link to post Share on other sites
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I don't want any children, never did. from what I can see most people are quite clear on whether they want any or not. I am yet to see anyone who changed their mind - out of choice anyway. so I think once this sort of subject comes up, you can probably take the woman's word at face value and those that say they don't want any are very likely to mean it. there are more and more of us around. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 , or are there many women who aren't dead-set on having kids? in my experience very few women of child-bearing age don't want at least one kid Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I have never, ever wanted children. There are some of us out there, but granted, perhaps we are few and far between. I have had relationships end because the guy I was dating wanted children and I did not. Now, at 45, I have no regrets but still have difficulties dating because many men my age are divorced with children and finding men my age with no children is not easy. Link to post Share on other sites
ordinary_girl Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Now, at 45, I have no regrets but still have difficulties dating because many men my age are divorced with children and finding men my age with no children is not easy. this is interesting. I don't feel meeting a man with children would be a problem for me. Maybe if he was a widow and I had to be a stepmum then it would become one. Otherwise as long as the kids had their real mum and there was no pressure on me to step into her shoes, I don't think being someone who has kids would be an issue for me. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Obviously, we're not together anymore, and I'm really afraid that I'll find someone else I love very much, but will want to have kids. I've seen that the majority of women do. Am I probably going to get stuck with children I don't want, or are there many women who aren't dead-set on having kids?More and more, you'll find young twenty-something women not wanting kids. What you might find is that many will change their minds when their biological clock starts to tick, although this too, is decreasing since women are learning to control their clocks. The best way to handle this is to be open upfront that you never want to have children. The sooner you mention it, the sooner you'll filter out girls who do. Link to post Share on other sites
boogieboy Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 So I was dumped by a girl I was deeply and truly in love with about five months ago. (Full story is in the Coping forum if you're curious.) One of the reasons I felt really secure with her was that I felt like the practical considerations for our future were similar. I feel like there were plenty of places where we could settle down and be happy - more importantly, we really, really did NOT want kids. She even talked about getting her tubes tied at 21. Obviously, we're not together anymore, and I'm really afraid that I'll find someone else I love very much, but will want to have kids. I've seen that the majority of women do. Am I probably going to get stuck with children I don't want, or are there many women who aren't dead-set on having kids? I was dumped because of the kids issue. Happens over and over, and its my fault really. CW we have a very small pool of women to choose from, those that really dont like children. They are few and far between and those that do many times change their minds. So we are cursed for life really. We just have to keep trying. What pissed me off was that I found a site called idontwantkids and it isnt too full of people, and I got no responses anyway. I live right next to NYC too, where many of the women there dont want kids, but they dont like Jersey boys, so that lowers my dating pool again. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 this is interesting. I don't feel meeting a man with children would be a problem for me. Maybe if he was a widow and I had to be a stepmum then it would become one. Otherwise as long as the kids had their real mum and there was no pressure on me to step into her shoes, I don't think being someone who has kids would be an issue for me. On the dating sites, I seem to be approached by widowers who are looking to find a new Mother for their children. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the "you are an angel that God has let leave heaven and I think you could love my child as I do..." message. I simply don't to want to even be a part-time stepmom and in desiring a LTR or marriage, ultimately I will be involved in my partner's children's lives in one aspect or another -- even if it is every other weekend -- and even that is something I do not want. But I am one of those freaky women who REALLY don't like children... Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome Username Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I dated a guy who said he didn't want kids. In fact, I think he disliked kids. I thought I would be cool with it because I hadn't really made up my mind at that point whether or not I wanted them. Thing is, I started to like him and my brain started getting all maternal on me - it drove me crazy. The relationship didn't work out because of it. The problem is that sometimes when you start REALLY liking a guy, you start wanting children with him even though you thought you didn't want them in the first place. You get these scenarios in your head, and you can't really do anything about it. I never had these thoughts with someone I wasn't really into. Link to post Share on other sites
Author carolinawanderer Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Is it unrealistic to want to find someone where the love is so deep that they'd want to stay with you even if they wanted things in life that were a little dissimilar? I want to find someone who would much rather have me than a kid. It's really sad to me how many otherwise good relationships end because one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe I just don't get it, but I feel like even if I wanted kids, I'd so much rather be with a person I truly loved and not have kids than be with someone "meh" just for the sake of having them. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Magnet Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 One of my life long best friends has NO desire for children at all. She's been very clear with all the men she has dated on the front end. Unfortunately, her (now ex) husband tried to change her mind and the kid question ultimately ended the marriage I think. She is re-married now to a guy with two kids, and she says every other weekend is more than enough for her. She's going to stroke if they ever want to come live with them permanently! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Is it unrealistic to want to find someone where the love is so deep that they'd want to stay with you even if they wanted things in life that were a little dissimilar? I want to find someone who would much rather have me than a kid. It's really sad to me how many otherwise good relationships end because one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe I just don't get it, but I feel like even if I wanted kids, I'd so much rather be with a person I truly loved and not have kids than be with someone "meh" just for the sake of having them. It works both ways. They would say, "Wouldn't you rather be with me if you truly love me, even if it means having a kid along"? One person has to compromise in such situations. Why are you faulting others for not compromising when you yourself are unwilling to? I think I don't want kids, but after my training stint in the hospital I'm honestly tempted to have one or two just so I have someone there with me during my last days if my spouse has already passed away. I've heard many women here say they too don't want kids, although IRL most women I know do want them. Link to post Share on other sites
ordinary_girl Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Is it unrealistic to want to find someone where the love is so deep that they'd want to stay with you even if they wanted things in life that were a little dissimilar? I want to find someone who would much rather have me than a kid. It's really sad to me how many otherwise good relationships end because one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe I just don't get it, but I feel like even if I wanted kids, I'd so much rather be with a person I truly loved and not have kids than be with someone "meh" just for the sake of having them. no you don't get it because you don't want any. having children is a very big deal for a lot of people. you can't say they should have you rather than children. they want both. I think it would be very unfair to make someone choose, you should find someone that wants the same thing as you. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetjasmine Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 (edited) Is it unrealistic to want to find someone where the love is so deep that they'd want to stay with you even if they wanted things in life that were a little dissimilar? I want to find someone who would much rather have me than a kid. It's really sad to me how many otherwise good relationships end because one person wants kids and the other doesn't. Maybe I just don't get it, but I feel like even if I wanted kids, I'd so much rather be with a person I truly loved and not have kids than be with someone "meh" just for the sake of having them. Having children is a huge deal. People who don't want them should not be having them. It'd be horribly wrong to force parenthood on your partner because you want it. On the flip side, it'd be horribly wrong to force your partner to give up the chance of being a parent because you don't want it. It's one of the few things that is impossible to compromise on. It's a deeply personal question unlike anything else. It's not about wanting things that are a "little dissimilar" since it's not like "I'd rather live in the suburbs" versus "I'd rather live in the city." It's about whether to bring another human being into the world and become solely responsible for taking care of him/her. Big deal. Edit: And BTW I know a lot of women who don't want children (and it's not because they hate children, either). So they're out there. It's just more difficult to find them. Edited December 28, 2009 by sweetjasmine Link to post Share on other sites
Author carolinawanderer Posted December 29, 2009 Author Share Posted December 29, 2009 It works both ways. They would say, "Wouldn't you rather be with me if you truly love me, even if it means having a kid along"? One person has to compromise in such situations. Why are you faulting others for not compromising when you yourself are unwilling to? I think I don't want kids, but after my training stint in the hospital I'm honestly tempted to have one or two just so I have someone there with me during my last days if my spouse has already passed away. I've heard many women here say they too don't want kids, although IRL most women I know do want them. Don't be confrontational. I'm not faulting anyone. I'm not saying someone who would say the opposite thing to me has a "fault." I've thought of that scenario in my head many times. I guess it depends on how I felt about the person. Link to post Share on other sites
CrestfallenNoMore Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Nope, I don't want children either. I think it's rare for both men and women not to want them, and I have a really difficult time finding a guy who both a) wants no kids and b) doesn't already have them. Link to post Share on other sites
Flying Goose Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 So I was dumped by a girl I was deeply and truly in love with about five months ago. (Full story is in the Coping forum if you're curious.) One of the reasons I felt really secure with her was that I felt like the practical considerations for our future were similar. I feel like there were plenty of places where we could settle down and be happy - more importantly, we really, really did NOT want kids. She even talked about getting her tubes tied at 21. Obviously, we're not together anymore, and I'm really afraid that I'll find someone else I love very much, but will want to have kids. I've seen that the majority of women do. Am I probably going to get stuck with children I don't want, or are there many women who aren't dead-set on having kids? All women want kids - part of the definition of being a woman (sexually mature female, with capacity to reproduce). Many often get confused in their youth about whether or not they want them, but almost all who don't have kids (and had the capacity to) regret it thoroughly. Most of those who fail to regret it did so because they didn't live long enough to. Besides what's the point in being with a woman (having regular sex) if you don't want the children that result from it? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 All women want kids - part of the definition of being a woman (sexually mature female, with capacity to reproduce). Many often get confused in their youth about whether or not they want them, but almost all who don't have kids (and had the capacity to) regret it thoroughly. Most of those who fail to regret it did so because they didn't live long enough to. Besides what's the point in being with a woman (having regular sex) if you don't want the children that result from it? Did you bother to read any other woman's posting in this thread? I am 45 years old, NEVER wanted children, and NEVER regretted not having children. Can't stand 'em, actually. I won't even date guys who have kids because I don't want to fall in love with someone where the situation might give me stepkids -- that is how much I don't want children; mine or anyone else's. Sheesh. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Dating and compatibility is a numbers game. You have a preference which is, in some circles, outlier, but it's valuable to you. Simply get a vasectomy and state your preference up front. That way you don't waste time with women who do want children and fence-sitters. You meet and engage ladies like CarrieT who, even at a young age, have strong feelings about not having children. Good luck P.S. - remember to get that vasectomy. Actions match words Link to post Share on other sites
Flying Goose Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Did you bother to read any other woman's posting in this thread? I am 45 years old, NEVER wanted children, and NEVER regretted not having children. Can't stand 'em, actually. I won't even date guys who have kids because I don't want to fall in love with someone where the situation might give me stepkids -- that is how much I don't want children; mine or anyone else's. Sheesh. Then you may be an exception. Depends entirely whether your reasons for not wanting kids are things which will hold the test of time. If you feel the same way when you're 70, then I guess you made the right choice, otherwise you may simply be too young to appreciate the reasons for regret. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 i would guess that like 5% of women that can have kids don't want kids Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Perhaps, but if CarrieT's numbers are any indicator, that doesn't make such women any less popular with men. It's just a bit of work to find one. The OP is young and energetic. He'll do well Link to post Share on other sites
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