A reality check?

[anne1707]

I have seen so many posts on here where the OW/OM believes that the MM/MW does not lie to them, that the MM/MW loves them more than they have ever loved anybody else, that the MM/MW is unhappy in their marriage.

 

Whilst I am sure there may be some cases like this, this if far from true for all. I want to offer a reality check - and this is not an attempt to bash anybody (except maybe WS!) but to help open eyes so all those involved can decide what they want.

 

I was a WS. I had a 3 year affair with an OM. And guess what? Just as I lied to my H, I lied to the ex-OM too plus was not honest with myself. I told the ex-OM that the relationship I had with him was like no other. When he asked about my marriage, I avoided telling him things that my H and I were planning and that actually my marriage was not unhappy. I put him off whenever he asked me about making a decision. I basically fed him with what he wanted to hear just to keep the status quo. A complete and utter selfish b**** who wanted her cake.

 

The affair is a drug with incredible highs and then the crashing lows. It is not real life. I could see in the end that my 3 year affair was almost like dating someone for 3 months. You are only seeing the best of someone - housework, bills, responsibilities do not come into it. It is just snatched moments of time when the WS chooses to give that time. I know I could have seen the ex-OM more often than I did but I chose to spend time with my H instead.

 

I knew I would never choose to leave my H to be with the ex-OM but I did all I could to keep the affair going as for me, I had the best of both worlds. I am appalled at myself as I write this. I hate how I behaved during the affair. At Dday, thankfully my H agreed to give our marriage another go. The love I had for my H was far greater than what I ever felt for the ex-OM.

 

Again - this is not a bash at OM/OW. It is just trying to provide another perspective and to be honest reflects badly on the WS more than anybody.

[pureinheart]

Oh wow, this totally confirms the thread I just started....speaking of how confusing it can be for OW/OM.....wow, thank you for your honesty....and hey, for the record, things do happen....I'm sure your H wasn't H of the year...I say that based on your post of such honesty...

[anne1707]

That's part of the reality check too. My H was a good H. He loved me, respected me, shared responsibilities, made an effort for us - he did not neglect me or our marriage.

 

We had some problems but nothing that could ever justify what I did.

[pureinheart]

That's part of the reality check too. My H was a good H. He loved me, respected me, shared responsibilities, made an effort for us - he did not neglect me or our marriage.

 

We had some problems but nothing that could ever justify what I did.

 

Have you forgiven yourself yet? I had an A on my H many years back (he had one too, but mine was the breaker), I think subconsciencly I did it to get him back...I had a hard time forgiving myself and so did everyone else.....

[anne1707]

Have you forgiven yourself yet? I had an A on my H many years back (he had one too, but mine was the breaker), I think subconsciencly I did it to get him back...I had a hard time forgiving myself and so did everyone else.....

 

I am on the way to forgiving myself. I suspect I might never fully forgive though and part of me thinks that is right. I caused my H unbearable pain and nearly lost the best thing in my life. But I don't torment myself over it either because we need to look to the future.

 

The strange thing is that in some ways I do not regret having the affair as my H and I have been able to learn from the whole painful experience and have improved our marriage. We are happier now than we have been for years. Though I will always regret the pain I caused him and the way I deceived him.

[TaraMaiden]

Remorse and Guilt, as has been said before, are two different types of reactions.

Guilt is Destructive.

Remorse is Constructive.

Important as it is to feel remorse, to wear it as guilt is inhibiting and a laborious and unnecessary impediment to progress and healing.

 

There are only so many times we can say 'sorry' before it becomes an unreasonable chore.

 

By all means feel remorse. If you know it's justified, then have that in your heart.

but Guilt is a different piece of baggage altogether.

It should be plastered with the label "Not required on voyage".....

[It_Is_What_It_Is]

Hi Annie, it is good that you throw some honest light on feelings of the OW, and I commend you for that. My question now is, would you have been more defensive of the A if your H had not taken you back? I ask this question because most MM or OW tend to rationalise their affairs even when people can see that they are in pains for destroying their primary relationships or the pains caused to their spouses.

 

I believe the ramifications of A is that one feels they have tainted their marriage and cannot look up with face held up high in circles where As are talked about, especially when the BS is around. I can understand the pains your H feels as one who was there before .. the pain is unmeasurable.

 

Annie, keep working on yourself and hope that your H truly forgives you which I doubt he has.

[TaraMaiden]

Having had both Anne and her husband on this forum, discussing this, I can assure you , you're completely wrong about his forgiving her.

To say they have moved on together, is an understatement.

 

I realise you're speaking from a position of 'not knowing', but truly, they make a wonderful couple, and are a lesson to others that such issues can be overcome, if they're worked on together.

 

Because you see, whilst an incident like an affair can be said to be somebody's "fault", the state of the marriage is the "Responsibility" of BOTH partners.

 

There is equal requirement for the Effort and Commitment, and both are working well to maintain that balance.

With great flair and gusto, I might add.

[anne1707]

Annie, keep working on yourself and hope that your H truly forgives you which I doubt he has.

 

 

I just read your post out to my H and he laughed when I got to this part

 

My H is a very strong person and would not stay with me unless he wanted to. Once we got through the initial trauma of Dday, he has never thrown the affair back in my face. He does not do anything to make me feel guilt or shame and also believes it would be wrong for him to do so. We have been very open with each other throughout this whole process - it is the only way to get through it in my opinion.

 

We have both messed up at various stages in our relationship (he too had a brief affair many years ago) and we have forgiven each other.

 

Tara - once again you found the right words - remorse, but not guilt.

[Spoiled]

I have seen so many posts on here where the OW/OM believes that the MM/MW does not lie to them, that the MM/MW loves them more than they have ever loved anybody else, that the MM/MW is unhappy in their marriage.

Whilst I am sure there may be some cases like this, this if far from true for all. I want to offer a reality check - and this is not an attempt to bash anybody (except maybe WS!) but to help open eyes so all those involved can decide what they want.

 

I was a WS. I had a 3 year affair with an OM. And guess what? Just as I lied to my H, I lied to the ex-OM too plus was not honest with myself.

I told the ex-OM that the relationship I had with him was like no other. When he asked about my marriage, I avoided telling him things that my H and I were planning and that actually my marriage was not unhappy. I put him off whenever he asked me about making a decision. I basically fed him with what he wanted to hear just to keep the status quo. A complete and utter selfish b**** who wanted her cake.

The affair is a drug with incredible highs and then the crashing lows. It is not real life. I could see in the end that my 3 year affair was almost like dating someone for 3 months. You are only seeing the best of someone - housework, bills, responsibilities do not come into it. It is just snatched moments of time when the WS chooses to give that time. I know I could have seen the ex-OM more often than I did but I chose to spend time with my H instead.

 

I knew I would never choose to leave my H to be with the ex-OM but I did all I could to keep the affair going as for me, I had the best of both worlds. I am appalled at myself as I write this. I hate how I behaved during the affair. At Dday, thankfully my H agreed to give our marriage another go. The love I had for my H was far greater than what I ever felt for the ex-OM.

 

Again - this is not a bash at OM/OW. It is just trying to provide another perspective and to be honest reflects badly on the WS more than anybody.

 

I agree with you that most WS do also lie to the OM/OW. However, I was honest with my xMM. We were friends for 10+ years prior to our A and always respected him. Which brought me so much guilt, how can I lie to my H and be more loyal to xMM? What I had to say was true, my H did neglect me, ignore me, we did sleep in separate rooms most of the time, we did not have sex frequently(up to 3months at a time), and I was unhappy. But I also gave him the positives. He had a difficult time believing I was unhappy because I did my best to live a "normal" life. I did travel with my H without our children, we had occasional date nights, and more. But, I was still unhappy. I was trying to be happy within my M which I soon found out to be unrealistic while in the A. The A made my home life more tolerable, I did have the best of both worlds.

 

My xMM and I made great efforts to please each other. When one wanted to see the other, we made it happen no matter what was going on. Not proud of this but my xMM missed an md appointment with his W in which she really wanted him to go with her, he missed a funeral, and other activities. My H would either work from home or leave work early to pick up our children while I was with my xMM. We were extremely selfish.

 

My love for my xMM was like no other. My mother was not affectionate toward me, yet my father was very affectionate growing up. I assumed my lack of affection shown toward others was just being "like my mother." However, with my xMM, I was extremely affectionate. I initiated hugs and kisses, and was more open to public affection. I was attracted to him and far more open sexually.

 

I am not proud of my deceptive behavior and still cannot believe I actually maintained an A for a year. Sadly, if we had not gotten caught, it may have lasted even longer.

[anne1707]

Thank you Tara from both Wuggle and I :love:

[fooled once]

I have seen so many posts on here where the OW/OM believes that the MM/MW does not lie to them, that the MM/MW loves them more than they have ever loved anybody else, that the MM/MW is unhappy in their marriage.

 

Whilst I am sure there may be some cases like this, this if far from true for all. I want to offer a reality check - and this is not an attempt to bash anybody (except maybe WS!) but to help open eyes so all those involved can decide what they want.

 

I was a WS. I had a 3 year affair with an OM. And guess what? Just as I lied to my H, I lied to the ex-OM too plus was not honest with myself. I told the ex-OM that the relationship I had with him was like no other. When he asked about my marriage, I avoided telling him things that my H and I were planning and that actually my marriage was not unhappy. I put him off whenever he asked me about making a decision. I basically fed him with what he wanted to hear just to keep the status quo. A complete and utter selfish b**** who wanted her cake.

 

The affair is a drug with incredible highs and then the crashing lows. It is not real life. I could see in the end that my 3 year affair was almost like dating someone for 3 months. You are only seeing the best of someone - housework, bills, responsibilities do not come into it. It is just snatched moments of time when the WS chooses to give that time. I know I could have seen the ex-OM more often than I did but I chose to spend time with my H instead.

 

I knew I would never choose to leave my H to be with the ex-OM but I did all I could to keep the affair going as for me, I had the best of both worlds. I am appalled at myself as I write this. I hate how I behaved during the affair. At Dday, thankfully my H agreed to give our marriage another go. The love I had for my H was far greater than what I ever felt for the ex-OM.

 

Again - this is not a bash at OM/OW. It is just trying to provide another perspective and to be honest reflects badly on the WS more than anybody.

 

Great post Annie.

 

Even though I wasn't married when I had my affair, for the first 2 years after, I kicked myself for being such an idiot. Then I forgave myself.

 

While I regret the affair, I believe it lead me to where I am now, with a wonderful, loving, supportive husband who does know all about my past transgression.

 

Thank you for your honestly and your openess regarding your A.