Lost my true love.

[Jaidee]

Hello all,

This is my first time posting here, and I was wondering if you could help me out. My heart is in pieces and I don't know why.

 

My girlfriend and I had been going out for nearly three years. It was a wonderful relationship - we were able to talk about anything, do anything together, and we were the best of friends whilst also being madly in love with each other. Although, every now and then, something silly would happen - she would not be able to make it to some event, and I'd get upset, and we'd split up, or she'd leave me. But it would only last for a couple of days, because we knew how much we loved each other, and we both really though that we were meant for each other. We were each other's perfect match, and we knew it with all our hearts.

 

She was blissfully happy - she told me so many many times. Then came that dreaded time - university. Off we go to different universities. We had discussed this so many times I can't begin to recollect them all. We had decided that we were so in love that we were going to stick it out through Uni, I'd go and visit her at the weekends and we'd have a great time and still be in this wonderful relationship.

 

A week after her going, she left me. She just rang and in 5 minutes said she didn't feel the same about me. That was it. Over. Gone. That was many weeks ago. I hadn't seen her in ages, and last weekend we met up. I thought that maybe I was getting ove her, but I haven't. I'm still madly in love with her, and my heart actually hurts. She hadn't chnged one bit, and I loved her more than I ever had, despite the many weeks of pain i'd just gone through after losing her. SHe really is the love of my life, and I would give anything to get her back.

 

We had a really nice day together, shed some tears, had some laughs, but basically nothing had changed. I still don't know why she left me, but there has definetely not been another guy involed - of this there is no question. Now she says she's too busy to let me go round. I'm going round later today. I don't kow what to say.

 

 

I really really need this girl back. Please, someone show me the way, or I think my hear will be broken forever.

[maxmuscle]

Jaidee,

 

Are you 100% positive your ex didn't meet someone?

 

Unfortunately, there is no proven forumla to bring you ex back. Either THEY want to or not. Its that simple. You can do everything that is humanly possible to get you ex back, but if they are not feeling you, then its over.

 

Maybe your ex is scared of how good the realtionship is going, and doesn't want to commit at this time in her life. Did she ever give you a reason? It must be something that she discuss with you before making her decsion.

[mjk]

Jaidee,

 

Need more info here. You said you both would fight about missing some event. Was that like a football game or your Mom's funeral? Not to be sarcastic but the reason we disagree is a sign of why we are or aren't together.

 

You mentioned college. Sounds like she's in one place and you are in another. Both in reality and in your minds.

 

You should let her go. Try the "No Contact" rule. Give her time and space. You don't need to feel crappy about being with her. Right now she has total control over your feelings and live. Why let that happen? I KNOW it is hard to "let go". But do it. You can still talk on the phone, maybe in a month or so have a quick in person "Hello" visit.

 

 

Anyway...the more you try to "pull" her to you, the more she is going to "push" you away. Why be pushed around? And so what! What if she has another guy?. Do you think that by doggin' her around that will help? HELL NO! That will convince her that what she is doing is right. Let her see you are on your own, happy, dating, or whatever.

 

Another way of loking at the "other guy thing" is: Say you just met her, and she is seeing another guy, just broke up, or whatever. Would that interfere with your idea of being attracted to her? If not, why should it now?

 

Dude...Be strong because the only one who can help you is yourself.

[Jaidee]

Firstly, yes, I know for a fact that she isn't with another guy.

 

Secondly, maybe she did break up with me because things were going "too well." How can I show her though, that that is a good thing, not a bad thing? Things were getting committed - but she was saying very committing things to me as much as I was saying them to her. It was a very mutual thing - we both wanted to be together for ever. I can't possibly begin to explain how amazingly well we get on together.

 

The other day we met up and it was just like old times. I could tell with the way she looked at me at times that she was thinking about getting back with me, then quickly pushed it out of her head. She still carries a picture of me around in her purse. At times she'd lean on me, and then other times she'd push me gently away, as if she is confused.

 

She says she wants to just have a break from me altogether, and whatever this "No Contact" rule is i guess i don't have much choice. I'm going to try and enjoy christmas with my family and friends, but I love this girl so much, it's really hard for me to be happy at this time, when I just want her to know that we can be happy together and that we will have a good time. I treated her so well. I don't understand why she would leave me when thing were so good. I never did anything to hurt her in three years. She has said that she is really sorry for hurting me, that I am the last person on earth she would ever want to hurt, but that she "Had to." You know, to get a fresh start. It's not fair, I loved her with all my heart, gave her all teh time in the world, and only ever made her happy, and now I'm in so much pain because of it. And I worry it's going to upset my whole family at this time of year.

 

Her best friend has told me that she defientely isn't seeing another lad, and that she certainly isn't planning to, now or any time in the near future. She just seems like she isn't wanting to see anyone. Is tehre anyone out there who can understand this, and might be able to help me show her that I will only bring her happiness and love?

 

Please help, thanks for the help so far. Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.

[mr_roggger]

You might want to read my posts from October onwards. We managed 1 year apart from eachother just fine, but this academic year things didn't go so well! I did the no contect rule for 4 or 5 weeks, and now we are at least friendly with eachother again! Have a read and see if you can relate to it, all posts by me (not threads!) should be relevant some how! good luck, try to enjoy Christmas...I know it's gonna be hard for me!

[anotherguest]

Maybe your ex is scared of how good the realtionship is going, and doesn't want to commit at this time in her life.

 

This is something I've never understood. If something is going so well, why push it away? What's to be scared about? Having fun, enjoying life, feeling loved?

 

What is it about the whole commitment thing that scares people? I remeber the first time I made a commitment to someone, I was so worried about losing my life. And for no good reason, life just got better - I had my freedom, and I had my partner.

[Jaidee]

This no contact thing. I have a couple of questions:

 

She has said, nay promised, that the reason for her leaving me is for her to be on her own, not for her to go off with another lad. She has said this to me, and to her best friend, and there is no question that she is lying about this.

 

If i don't make contact with her, won't that just make her think thath I've got over her? Because I haven't! I don't want her to think that I'm over her so she can leave me forever.

 

But if I do make contact with her, maybe I'm just pushing her away?

 

So which is the thing that I should do?

 

We've broken up many times before, and each time she's said "It's real this time," and we've got back together. This time we've been apart for longer than ever before, but I know that a part of her still loves me, I could just see it in her when we were together.

 

I have presents for her and her folks for Christmas, should I try and go over to give them to her? Or should I wait until after Christmas?

[maxmuscle]

Jaidee,

 

I would do the no contact rule. Is she trying to contact you? If the answer is no, then do not contact her. I would play it cool for a couple of weeks. Afterall, you was very good to her so give her time to reflect on the relationship. I don't know why you think that if you do not contact her that she will find somone else. Its hard to find good people in this world. Nowadays, you are lucky to hook-up with a person for one year. Its extremely difficult to meet really cool people. Yeah , you can meet people everyday of the week, but what does that mean? Especially if the people you meet are not worth your time. So give her space and time and what ever else she needs. Just relax, and after the dust settle's, she will contact you.

[Jaidee]

OK, so the two us of had a real nice chat today. I rang her mum, and was very polite as usual asking for advice because I've bought all her family their presents and wanted to deliver them, wondering when the best time would be, and her mum said that she'd get back to me. Then my ex rang herself, and said that it would probably be best if I left it until next week, so that we could both have a family christmas and not let this get in the way, and I agreed, because we probably would get upset again anyways, and that's the last thing I want at christmas.

 

So then we have a nice chat, and she finds me funny so I had her laughing away, we talked a bit about uni life and what mayhem it was, about how quickly the time had passed since the last time we'd seen each other (she knows i've missed her) and it was really friendly and comfortable. I feel in a much better mood because of it, and her mum said that I was welcome round anytime because she considers me a good friend of her daughter.

 

I said that maybe I'd still better give her some space though, and she agreed, but said she'd ring back before Christmas and keep in touch over christmas.

 

It feels better than crying, but I'd rather be back in our relationship than just good friends, if not great friends.

 

Does anyone here thing that there is a chance we'll get back together? I certainly hope so.

[mjk]

 

I said that maybe I'd still better give her some space though, and she agreed, but said she'd ring back before Christmas and keep in touch over christmas.

 

Hey There, you just said it above. Take it slow and easy because you might have a chance here!

[Jaidee]

I hope so I really do.

 

The way we broke up was so strange - first she was saying that she thought maybe she could last till christmas without seeing me, then it was that she wasn't misssing me much, then not at all, then she said she didn't love me anymore, and left me. That was over 8 weeks ago! Now things are good as I was saying above, and I can't stress how much the relationship worked between us. We had some amazing times together, and I treated her perfectly, never upsetting her. Three years we lasted, then this.

 

I'm so sure that we are meant to be together. There was never a good reason to have actually broken up. I'm going to try my best to give her all the distance she needs, but I really want her back. Now that she is talking to me in a really friendly way, what can I do to show her that if she gets back with me things will be as perfectly beautiful and happy as they were two months ago?

[mjk]

Do nothing in that area is my suggestion. If you try to tell her " Hey look how much I've changed" that's gonna push her away. Believe me she must see a little something in you, don't rub it in.

 

2 months must seem like an eternity to you. Read my post in "second chances" its called "Married 5 years, divorced for 8 months etc." I've waited almost a year just to get to the point of being able to talk to her, be around her and to love her again. In your case at least during the first weeks the "door" is still open.

 

I'd hate for you to start getting the advice that I got from Tony. In my case it was picture perfect for me, but for you there's no divorce, no big deal...yet.

 

Take it easy, stay "mysterious" stay happy around her and see to it that you are in a "fun mode" when you are around her. When you are together if you feel like it might be time to leave...you've already waited too long. I mean like in a visit to her house etc. Keep it short and sweet for now and make her yearn for your company not loath it!

[texastapper]

Can you feel how stressful and painful it is when she pulled away from you. Right now she is probably confused but at the same time she is in control. You have to give her a chance to sit back and see things through. If you are constantly there for her or constantly calling her, wanting to persuade her that she made a mistake. then you are never ever going to get her back. This all pushes her farther and farther away. You have to show her that you are a man, and that you are in control, once she sees this she will second guess the choices that she made. You have to remember that college life is supposed to be the time of your life. You are supposed to make new friends and not have to worry about stressful things like this. If you guys truly are ment to be then you will work this out. just stay positive and confident and pray for the best. When you can change your mind set and teach yourself to believe in something, then most the time it will happen. But don't force things. I am telling you all this from experience and what others have taught me on this website. I am still going through it just like you, I am teaching myself to think positive and be confident, in the end everything will come out just fine!!! Good luck my friend!!

[Jaidee]

Understood. I'm having a couple of old friend round now, we're gonna have a couple of drinks and discuss this whole thing. Thanks for the advice mjk, I'll do exactly that. I'll let you know how it goes.

 

I try to always be in a fun mode, I always manage to make her laugh about something, and end up chatting with her for ages longer than she first intended - our long chats were the reason we got together three years ago.

 

Here's hoping I can win her back once more. Merry Christmas!

[mr_roggger]

Originally posted by Jaidee

This no contact thing. I have a couple of questions:

 

If i don't make contact with her, won't that just make her think thath I've got over her? Because I haven't! I don't want her to think that I'm over her so she can leave me forever.

 

But if I do make contact with her, maybe I'm just pushing her away?

 

 

 

By not contacting her you are showing her that you are able to get on with your life and do not depend on her to make you happy! she will be drawn to this more than if you keep contacting her. No contact will give her time to think of all the good times you've had whilst memoreis of the bad times will fade, leaving a much more positive image than contacting her very regularly will! If you don't contact her, she will not be pushed away from you, more likely that the gap that there is between you will actually stop widening and maybe even begin to close!

I found that the no contact thing worked really well, much better than I was expecting it to actually!

As MJK says, by not contacting her she is seeing how you've changed rather than you showing/telling her how you've changed. This way she will believe it, and improve your chances of getting back together.

I do not believe all is over for you, try to enjoy your Christmas. I am going to try to enjoy mine!

I also know what you mean about having positive contact with her making you feel good. I had some positive contact with my ex today, and I felt, and still do feel good. Think just how good you will feel after a few weeks of no contact!

[Jaidee]

I forgot to mention taht she not only keeps a picture of me in her wallet, put also a picture of my family at a time where we all went out together for my 18th. We were sat having a coffee and she got them out, and had to stop herself from crying. Surely this is a sign that she misses what we had?

 

I think that maybe even if she does miss everything, because she has made the decision to leave me, she feels she has to stick to it. She doesn't realise that if people make a mistake, it's ok to go back on it, if the other person is prepared to forgive you.

 

I'm not going to contact her for the next few days, but I'm confident that she will make contact with me. I'm going to try to be as happy as possible around her, and I'll be seeing her next monday. I was hoping maybe to invite her round to my house to watch a film or something, but we'll see how that goes.

 

You guys are really helping me. Stay in touch folks, and have a happy christmas!

 

Merry Christmas Eve!

[johnnywinner]

I have a similar situation. I Think it is best to leave her alone for a few weeks. She will think about you and want to talk. I do not know the reason why she is hurting you, but I think she is confused and needs time to think things out. I have a thread called I think i lost love of my life. You can read it, see whaT YOU THINK OF MY SITUATION. i KNOW IT HURTS TO BE WITHOUT HER IN YOUR LIFE. BUT, REALLY IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. SHE DECIDED TO CHANGE. mm , BUT WHY? i FEEL FOR YOU. I am in your shoes. I do not understand it either. You treat a person great and you love them and they act like this. It makes no sense. I wish you luck. I think she wil come back, but only on her sxchedule not yours. I think when she is ready she will want you back. But when? this is the question. Merry Christmas. / johnnywinner

[Jaidee]

You're a good man, with good advice.

 

have a very happy Christmas, we deserve to!

 

Take care, JD.

[mjk]

Hey Jaidee!

 

Remember...don't jump too soon. This isn't a hard to get thing you are doing, just a time and space. don't do the movie thing right now. I know its hard.

 

Don't be to "clingy" the last thing she wants is a poodle humping her leg or a piece of saran wrap stuck to her. I don't at all mean to downplay your situation with those examples, just trying to put it into a different light for you.

 

How would you feel if she, everytime you talked to her, said: " let's get together, or, you know I love you, how bout' this or that" It might start to bug you, especially if you are there, but not committed yet.

 

Try to work slow. I'm sure each hour seems like a day to you right now,