what is the best way to walk away from an abusive relationship?

[EmptyPromises]

im trying to move on from an emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 2 years. theres times when its so hard and i cant stop thinking about him. we went one week no contact, and weve been texting once or twice a day for the past couple of days.

 

weve broken up several times over the past 2 years and the most no contact i did was 3 weeks. he always comes running back..

 

i love him, but i know that there is a guy out there that WILL treat me right. that wouldnt dare call me a bitch or a slut.

 

it sucks because i always think maybe hes going to change and wind up taking him back..but he DOESNT change. hes hurt me so much over the past 4 months that it sickens me.

 

for example..we broke up for a week and he had sex with a girl that wound up getting pregnant. she had an abortion but that hurt me sooo bad. i forgave him for it but wish i didnt.

 

he texted me last night saying "are you sure you want this? dont want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

 

ugh i dont want to be pulled back in. idk why i cant just walk away from him or what the heck is wrong with me that i allow him to treat me like this. i want SO bad for him to be the one for me, the one that i spend the rest of my life with -- but only if realized how bad hes been treating me and if he changed.

 

blahh.. so how do you walk away from an abusive relationship?

[Angel1111]

You put one foot in front of the other and keep going. What you hope and wish for with him will never be. The sooner you accept that, the better. All the texting and remorseful behavior from him is just part of the act he puts on. And I'm guessing that after each time you went back after a break up, things got worse. Everything you describe is textbook for abusive relationships. The reason you find it hard to walk away is because of what abuse does to you. It's called 'traumatic bonding'. It's a true fight against your own heart and mind. And the longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave.

 

Do the two of you live together? If not, then walking away will be easier. Just tell him that you've given it more thought and you don't appreciate the way he's treating you and you can't forgive the cheating. And then don't ever speak to him again. You'll probably want to change your phone number, too. You need to stop seeing his attempts to get you back as a compliment or that it means he loves you. These men live and breath to control and destroy. If you want a clearer understanding of how his evil mind works, then read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, 'Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men)". It's an eye-opener. You'll learn that even the fun and peaceful times you have with him are also a part of the abuse cycle. Do yourself the biggest favor of your life and get out of this sick relationship.

[Moose]

it sucks because i always think maybe hes going to change and wind up taking him back..but he DOESNT change.

but only if realized how bad hes been treating me and if he changed

You can not "change" anyone unless you decide to accept him for who he is.

 

If you're not happy for who he is, you have every right, with no regret to leave the relationship.

 

I realize you are not married, (from what I gathered). My opinion is to let by gones be by gones....

 

Find someone who will be loyal to you and you alone....

[sugarmomma]

He will continue to destroy you if you stay. I cut contact completely with my abuser. Never looked back but I also had no emotional attachment to him. In fact when I looked at the situation realistically, I had nothing but contempt for him. There is a verse in the bible proverbs 22:24 that says "Do not be a friend of one who has a bad temper, and never keep company with a hothead." They are words that I try really hard to live by. They will make me more like them before I could ever change them into a loving person. The way to walk away is to put yourself, your mental and emotional safety first. he is an evil person and there is nothing you can do to change that. Sorry. Just go out and find yourself a kind and gentle man that knows how to give and receive love.

[Eve]

To walk away? Best advice would be to get professional help to plan precisely how to leave. There will be many walls that have built up over time and talking things through and making sure that you know all of your options is, longterm, the better route. Otherwise you could end up going back because of environmental as well as emotional reasons. In many situations the abused person does not even have to be the one to leave nowadays... thank goodness.

 

Break the silence and talk to someone, indepth. Firstly one must destroy any perceptions of loyalty to this person in order to remove any fear that has been falsely created via many messed up interactions. Seriously, in a few years time this could be a faint memory.

 

Best of luck. There are many many people who can help you begin the process right now.

 

Please dont do this on your own for one more day.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[ssuzanness]

Empty Promises.....I feel and know your pain all too well...Check out my thread...EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP....if you haven't already. There is alot of very helpful responses and information. It's so hard what you are going through because I am going through it as well...keep in touch

[TaraMaiden]

 

he texted me last night saying "are you sure you want this? dont want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

 

What an egotistic jerk!

if you haven't already replied, go with this...

 

"Why would you think that is the best and most attractive option?

What makes you think you are so special that you are more important to me, than I am?"

Because it's the truth....

 

ugh i dont want to be pulled back in. idk why i cant just walk away from him or what the heck is wrong with me that i allow him to treat me like this.

We're all creatures of habit, and you've become accustomed to being treated that way.

People do what works.

It worked for him, because you complied, and it worked for you because you mistakenly thought it was love, and good enough.

Wrong.

Now, it hurts, because you realise your mistake, but it's an addictive pull....

 

i want SO bad for him to be the one for me, the one that i spend the rest of my life with

Why?

What qualities does he have that over-ride the abuse, verbal cruelty and bullying attitude?

Are they better and more prominent?

I guess not, otherwise he'd be working on them, and you'd still be with him....

 

-- but only if realized how bad hes been treating me and if he changed.

He has to see this.

He has to do this.

He has to want to do this.

He has to want to do this for himself.

He has to want to do this for himself, without feeling pressured or cornered....

 

blahh.. so how do you walk away from an abusive relationship?

Fast and furious.

You delete his number from your 'phone.

You block his emails.

You don't answer the phone.

You refuse to answer the door.

You do not engage with him, talk to him, respond to him, contact him, or have anything further to ever do with him, ever again.

 

You go No Contact.

Read the guide in my signature and stick to it.

100%.

Do not give in, do not be persuaded, do not weaken, do not succumb to temptation.

If you ever are, call a friend instead. One who understands you and wants to help you get through this.... or come on here and talk to us.

We'll knock some sense into you.

In the nicest way possible, of course!

[2sunny]

best way? QUICKLY!!!!!

[EmptyPromises]

thanks everyone..i just feel so helpless and worthless... idk why so bad i just want him to be calling me begging me back...what is wrong with me

[norajane]

Maybe somewhere along the way you learned to believe that only by 'winning' the love of someone who is difficult will you actually believe you are loved. You know, that old "changing a bad boy into a good boy must mean he really luvs you!" crap that a lot of women buy into for some reason.

 

I dunno.

 

That's something you work out with your therapist.

 

Personally, I think abusers are really charming in the beginning and THAT is who you fall in love with, but when their true colors come out, you STILL believe he is that charming guy and keep hoping he transforms back into that guy. But he never does, except when he's laying it on thick right after a scene or to get you back when you leave. Because he's NOT actually that charming guy - he just knows to put that on. He REALLY is the abusive guy. But you still pine for the charming guy and can't get him out of your head.

 

You walk away just like you would any other destructive thing in your life....one day at a time.

 

And COLD TURKEY. To help you do that, you MUST block him from your cell phone, email, facebook, carrier pigeon, and smoke signals. That way he cannot contact you and suck you back in. You MUST do this. If you don't, then you don't really want to walk away from him.

[EmptyPromises]

nora, i think your right. my dad was very abusive towards us both phsysically and emotionally. i remember him calling us such things as stupid, whore, bitch, etc. my last boyfriend was the same way.

 

my ex now had a rough past with his mother as well. he was abused both physically and psychologically as well so i kind of feel bad for him.

 

being friends wouldnt work right?

[Angel1111]

being friends wouldnt work right?

 

If you care about yourself, don't even consider being friends with him. He's a highly negative influence on your life and he always will be.

 

You might feel bad for him but that doesn't mean you have to let him destroy and abuse you. This is behavior that he chooses - don't ever forget that. You were abused, too, but you're not abusing others.

[shewantsout]

Dear Empty Promises,

 

I am an intellegent, well rounded person, who wouldnt think in a million years that I could wind up in a situation like yours, but that is exactly what happened to me. I also loved this man so very much, he was the perfect man half of the time and the devil the other half. I always describe him as a total yin and yang equal parts angel and demon, I put up with the demon, because I loved the angel so much. I convinced myself that I was helping him, and that if I loved him, I shouldnt turn my back on him when he needed me the most. I always seemed to forget about the demon, when the angel was there, no matter how bad the last time was, when the angel showed up, I always forgot, and was always shocked when the demon showed back up again. I was choked, hit, threatened with knives, called whores and bitches and sluts and lazy bitches and you name it. I had my bank account drained 2 times, he was drinking, doing drugs and god only knows what else when he was in demon phase. He always seemed to be trying so hard, he would suck me in with how hard he was struggling. When he was the angel, he was so thoughtful, so passionate, so loving, so devoted, so intellegent, so giving, so understanding. the perfect man. when he was the demon, it was like he was someone else, I couldnt stand him when he was like that, had no attraction to him at all, was repulsed by him, it was like he walked different, spoke differently, everything about him was different. My story ended with him killing himself after trying to get to my home to kill me and my dogs too. The only advice I can give you is that "When someone shows you who they are....believe them the first time" don't let it come to the same sad end my story came to. I would not wish this on my worst enemy and the scar it leaves behind is deep and slow to heal. Protect your heart and protect your sanity, protect yourself and get away from this man. You must learn to enjoy your own company and your own self. The more you can enjoy being alone, the less likely you are to invite chaos into your life for company. Take care and I hope it all works out for you.

[Angel1111]

My story ended with him killing himself after trying to get to my home to kill me and my dogs too. The only advice I can give you is that "When someone shows you who they are....believe them the first time" don't let it come to the same sad end my story came to.

 

This could've ended much worse, in my opinion. I could never mourn the demise of a person like this. He was on his way to kill you and your dogs? These guys always love to throw the pets in the mix. What happened that stopped him - did he have an accident on the way to your house? Did you know that he was on his way to kill you? Well, I think the world is better off without him.

 

The angel and demon you describe was really all the same person. As the author of the book I mentioned above pointed out, the good times are also a part of the abuse. The reason for this is because abusers know that they can't abuse all the time so they have to do something to make it appear they have redeemable qualities. But the good stuff is just all a part of the game. I'm glad you got out of this situation, in whatever way that happened. I hope you and your doggies are living a happy life.

Edited January 28, 2010 by Angel1111

[HeyThere]

My sister has a Jekyll and Hyde issue. I never know who is going to show up. When Jekyll is in, she is as sweet (almost phony) as can be. When Hyde shows up she is out of her mind. After a Hyde incident she wants to be as nice as can be and she pretends everything is normal, like I’m going to pretend that nothing happened. She has destroyed two marriages and created a rift so big that I’ve no interest in associating with her. People with these abusive behaviors are out of their minds, so we think it’s not them and thus take them back.

 

You need to move on from this destructive relationship – you know this. Perhaps you fear that your not worthy of love, or no one else is out there that will love you, or something along those lines. Put any of those thoughts out of your head. Be strong. Listen to all the great advice in this thread. Develop a close network, whether it is family, friends or counselor – in any combination that works for you.

[HeyThere]

By the way, I’ll be there for my sister if and when she is willing and able to recognize her issues, because she is my sister.

 

This so called boyfriend of yours comes from an upsetting past; there is no need to be dragged down because of his issues. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself everything and therefore need to protect the one you love. sugarmomma has a great signature line, pay attention to it – “Power is having the ability to walk away from that which I desire (him), to protect that which I love (me).”

Edited January 28, 2010 by HeyThere

[shewantsout]

Dear Angel,

 

I had never thought of it the way you said and you are probably right, I think for myself it is part of trying to understand why, why I was with him, I know at one point it became about the fear, then when I tried to leave it became easier to stay because Leaving would involve more energy or wearwithall that I usually had at that time. I was so worn out for the years and years of this. The mourning part is mostly for me, I understand that my boyfriend was an abuser, I guess it is that part of me that see's the loss of his humanity, I have compassion for his struggle, I suppose he knew that too and that was why it was so easy to manipulate me. The whole thing has left me numb, and I am in couselling to deal with whatever it was in me that attracted this man into my life, to ensure that it never happens again. To answer your question, He was all the way on the other side of town from our home (I had a restraining order against him) when he got out of the Hospital he went to a relatives house nearby and called several of his friends trying to get them to pick him up and bring him to my house. No one wanted to be involved with helping him violate the court order. He discused in great detail to one very close friend how he wanted to kill me, because he had made up his mind not to live anymore and that he knew it was selfish of him but that he wanted to take me with him, that he loved me and wanted to be with me always, that he didnt want our dogs to go to the shelter so he was going to take them with him too, so we could be together. Very disjointed and irrational. His friend called me and told me what he said and told me under no circumstances to go and get him, because he thought I was in grave danger. Police where called, but he was not located. Later that night he drank a whole bottle of vodka and hung himself. So the reason he didnt harm me or my dogs is cause he was unable to get to us. I started writing about this on another thread about a week before he killed himself. It was a big help to me to be able to come here and vent after years of silence. I am grateful to be alive, but still shell shocked by the whole affair. I am in counceling and go to a survivors group to deal with it all. I also find that sharing my story with others so that they could maybe be helped is helping me as well. so here I am. Thanks for your comment.

[HeyThere]

shewantsout, scary, scary, sad story. I’m glad you’re in a strong support network and feel encouraged to share. I hope EmptyPromises is still around.

[Angel1111]

Dear Angel,

I had never thought of it the way you said and you are probably right, I think for myself it is part of trying to understand why, why I was with him, I know at one point it became about the fear, then when I tried to leave it became easier to stay because Leaving would involve more energy or wearwithall that I usually had at that time.

 

The thing that kept you with him is called 'traumatic bonding'. It would probably help you a lot to read that book by Lundy Bancroft (Why Does He Do That?). It's very powerful and sheds a tremendous amount of light on the abusive personality, and why you stayed.

 

I do understand that these guys are haunted by their own horrible memories, and by their own disgusting behavior. I totally get that. I saw the soft side to my ex, and that was the beautiful part of him. I loved his mind and his incredible sense of humor. But every person has that beautiful side, every relationship has its good points. But staying with someone who abuses us is like drinking poison from a beautiful bottle, like taking cyanide from a handsome stranger. We can't stay with people who show such severe disrespect to us, who don't have our best interests at heart. What your ex did and was planning to do is completely horrible. Your story made my skin crawl. Thank God for the people who wouldn't agree with what he wanted them to do. But it just shows the extremes these men can resort to. For him, that was the height of arrogance to decide for you when your life should end; the ultimate in self-centeredness. There's another website that I go to occasionally that has a tribute to a woman who was killed by her abusive ex. The story was so sad that I could cry just reading it.

 

I'm so glad you're still here to tell your story. I'm so glad that you and your doggies survived. I hope you will think about the full implications of what he was willing to do, the pain he was willing to inflict on you, and how you wouldn't be here right now. You truly had a league of angels watching over you.

[shewantsout]

Dear Angel,

 

Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words. Funny thing about the outcome of my story is that because I did survive, when he first died, I was guilt ridden, convinced myself that he wouldnt have hurt me, that he was just saying that out of pain and my guilt was that if I had answered the phone, if I had gone and gotten him, he would still be here. The duality of the whole thing is what creates so much doubt and uncertainty. things have gotten so much better but for awhile they where pretty bad. I was so very devistated when I was told he was dead. Because I never got to see his body (he was out in the elements for 3 days in 97 degree heat, he was determined to be "Not Viewable") my mind played tricks on me, like he wasnt really dead, it was a trick, that he was just trying to make me suffer, at one point I felt as if I would have been so happy if he just walked back through the door. I would have given anything for him to be alive again. Sounds crazy huh? I remember how desperately I wanted out, how I was almost wishing he would kill himself so I could be free, but also thinking when I was feeling that way that he was way to narcissistic to actually do it. I never believed that he would really kill himself. That part of him that could be so sweet, so funny, the part of him I loved and adored, I mourned that part of him so profoundly and I found it so hard to reconcille who he was, the other part of the time with the part of him I loved, it made grieving him very difficult. I recognize that suicide is a selfish act, that it is a long term solution to a short term problem. I also realize that I was given another chance at life, a chance that cost him his life. I am in a better place about it now and know that there will always be some part of this trauma that stays with me on some level. I think I realize now that it isnt so much getting over it, as it is learning to live with it. I know it is going to take time for me to reconcille it all in a way that is less painful and more productive for me in the long run, I also know that it is going to take time, but in the end, I know that after everything is said and done at least I have a life to get on with. Thank you again for your advice and I am going to make a point to read the book you recommended. I appreciate the time you took to respond to my post.

 

Thanks again.

Michelle

[Angel1111]

I recognize that suicide is a selfish act, that it is a long term solution to a short term problem.

 

In this case, his suicide was a long-term solution to a long-term problem.

 

I think I can understand your grief but I'm very surprised to hear you say that you don't believe he was willing to kill you. Especially considering that he actually ending up killing himself. Based on what he said to his friend, he had it all planned out in his head - down to the dogs because he didn't want them to end up in a shelter. He definitely had 'killing' on his agenda. There is no question about this in my mind.

 

I hate to tell you this but part of the reason he killed himself was to manipulate you even from the grave. He wants it to haunt you, to traumatize you and make you feel as though you were somehow responsible; to keep his memory in front of you for years to come. Because this is just the kind of person he was. Everything was about him, about the drama. I call these guys 'drama kings'.

 

I know that you will heal from this one day and you'll look back and realize that everything he did was his choice. You'll know you had nothing to do with any of it, and you'll realize that he can't ever hurt you, or anyone else, again.

[Satisfaction]

thanks everyone..i just feel so helpless and worthless... idk why so bad i just want him to be calling me begging me back...what is wrong with me

 

it looks like he insults you tells you nasty things treats you worse than anyone ever has. Then you leave then he chases after you begs you tells you the loveliest sweetest things. In doing this he has made himself the centre of you being.

To leave, change you number and walk away is the easy part. To get out of the cycle and get him out of your head is the hard part.

Just try and regularly do things that make you feel good about yourself. Talk to people who are sane and not crazy. It will be hard but everyday every moment you spend fighting to be happy is a victory for you.

Don't worry if one day he shows up at your job or gets your number from someone and calls you and you feel all those feelings come up again. You can pick yourself up and start again.

Work hard and stay as strong as you can!

[ssuzanness]

my abuser threated to throw poision in my yard to kill my new puppy when she was outside....wtf? because...i didn't ask him first..(what? we weren't even together) and he hates labs and says her name is stupid..."i would never be seen with a dog thats name is Bella"

[Angel1111]

my abuser threated to throw poision in my yard to kill my new puppy when she was outside....wtf? because...i didn't ask him first..(what? we weren't even together) and he hates labs and says her name is stupid..."i would never be seen with a dog thats name is Bella"

 

Didn't you get the memo? Well, what it said was that the world revolves around your ex, and the sun rises and sets for him, also. So, when you bought a dog and named it without consulting him (because you and he weren't together anymore) was just way off-base. He should've been there to approve the purchase and the naming of the dog. Now, you have forced him to have to consider poisoning the dog in order to teach you a lesson.

 

Yes, that's just about how sick his mind works. He's still in his reality, and is pretty pissed off that you're not.

[ssuzanness]

i sometimes think he "sees" me getting stronger...and tries to do anything to bring me down......