MM thinking of going back home!!!!

[crystal_lostheart]

ARRGGHHHH!!!! So angry today. MM drops a bombshell saying he is 'thinking of going back home' to be with his son at xmas. I told him 'fine' but we are finished!!

He didn't end up going back home but instead on xmas eve turns around and says 'i want to spend JUST tonite at the house (with W there) to be with my son and wake up with him xmas morning'. I said 'are you kidding me - and will you do this every other occassion??'. He said I was selfish, didn't understand and could've been more supportive??????!!!!!!!!! This is a man that left his W 10 months ago, is supposed to be starting a life with me and says this to me on xmas eve?? Is there something I'm missing here??

 

Today I told him to 'pack your things TODAY and move back with your W and leave me the f**k alone'.

 

Granted a lot of this is my fault for being involved with someone as selfish as this.

 

2 years of my life for what??

[D-Lish]

It sounds like this is about him wanting to spend time with his son, not the X.

 

Just remember that a break up is incredibly taxing and confusing on the children. Being good parents post divorce is hard- and it sounds like he is trying to find a way to make that work.

 

He's already made a choice to be with you over his wife- but don't make him think he has to choose between you and his son. His son isn't your enemy.

 

I am assuming that the only way he can see his son on x-mas is if he goes back to the house? Him and the X are going to have to learn how to parent post break up- sacrifices on all of your sides need to be made to make the transition smoother and less taxing on the kid.

 

He's not abondoning you- he's embracing his child.

[moaningmyrtle]

It's the evening of the 27th here and this was posted in the last half hour. So I assume Christmas is well and truly over everywhere else in the world. It's unclear from your post whether he did actually go home for Christmas eve/morning - but I guess he did.

 

It's a bit late now but why couldn't the son have come to you - surely in the custody agreement arrangements were made for Christmas. The sort of thing that is agreed to here is either something like alternate Christmases with each parent or one to have them in the morning the other in the afternoon with alternating Christmas eve.

 

I agree with other posters that given your circumstances you are on very dangerous ground to attempt to get him to choose between you and his child. Anyway did he come home again afterwards?

 

I recommend putting it down to a learning experience (this was the first time right?) and making sure that arrangements that are fair to each parent and the child are in place and understood well before next year. Also other times when special custody arrangements are often in place here include birthdays (both children and parents) mothers' day, fathers' day etc. We don't celebrate thanksgiving here at all but from reading this forum that might be another time, as would Easter here, where special custody applies.

[Angel1111]

I think you overracted. He's still trying to adjust to the divorce and being away from his child. Yeah, I don't get the timing of this post either - xmas was yesterday.

Edited December 27, 2009 by Angel1111

[MizFit]

Assuming this was in reference to Xmas Eve...no, he should not spend the night there. He could be there till the child goes to bed...set his alarm and walk back through the door at 4 am if necessary. Under no circumstances would I support him staying in the home with the ex. I am happy he wants to be a good dad and I'm sure you'd have supported a lateish night and earlyish morning, but to sleep there...nope.

[Brightmoon]

All I hear is how much he missed his little boy and wanted to be with him.

 

Heartbreaking.

[crystal_lostheart]

Excuse the timing of the post...I was just trying to explain what happened over xmas time.

 

I have absolutely no issue with MM spending time with his son....in fact I encourage him to be with him as much as he possibly can. I have never made him 'choose' between me and his son...ever. But spending the night there is not on. He is supposed to be seperated from his W.

 

But to drop a bombshell and tell me he wants to spend the night in a house with his W is completely unfair on our R. What about out R? How unfair is that on his W as well to give her false hope of him spending the night there. It is not right.

 

You have to understand that this is the trend of my MM. Going backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards.

 

He did not spend xmas eve there in the end. But he still tells me that he has a decision to make about whether he wants to go back home or not. I've just told him to go back home. Im tired of his excuses, lies and playing with people's emotions....that's what he does.

 

If he misses his son that much, then he should go back home for good and let me be.

[crystal_lostheart]

Assuming this was in reference to Xmas Eve...no, he should not spend the night there. He could be there till the child goes to bed...set his alarm and walk back through the door at 4 am if necessary. Under no circumstances would I support him staying in the home with the ex. I am happy he wants to be a good dad and I'm sure you'd have supported a lateish night and earlyish morning, but to sleep there...nope.

 

This is exactly what I said to him.....his response to me......'You're selfish'. If you read my other posts, you will see the hell this man has put me through and I allowed him to......and he calls me selfish

[crystal_lostheart]

I think you overracted. He's still trying to adjust to the divorce and being away from his child. Yeah, I don't get the timing of this post either - xmas was yesterday.

 

No I don't think I overreacted at all. I am not going to be with someone who will spend the night in a house with his W when he is supposed to be separated from her. Not a chance. If I let it happen this time, then it will happen all the time and that is unfair on everyone. There were other choices he could have made here.

[crystal_lostheart]

It's the evening of the 27th here and this was posted in the last half hour. So I assume Christmas is well and truly over everywhere else in the world. It's unclear from your post whether he did actually go home for Christmas eve/morning - but I guess he did.

 

It's a bit late now but why couldn't the son have come to you - surely in the custody agreement arrangements were made for Christmas. The sort of thing that is agreed to here is either something like alternate Christmases with each parent or one to have them in the morning the other in the afternoon with alternating Christmas eve.

 

I agree with other posters that given your circumstances you are on very dangerous ground to attempt to get him to choose between you and his child. Anyway did he come home again afterwards?

 

I recommend putting it down to a learning experience (this was the first time right?) and making sure that arrangements that are fair to each parent and the child are in place and understood well before next year. Also other times when special custody arrangements are often in place here include birthdays (both children and parents) mothers' day, fathers' day etc. We don't celebrate thanksgiving here at all but from reading this forum that might be another time, as would Easter here, where special custody applies.

 

I have never made him choose b/w me or his son. The son comes first in all of this. However, spending the night in a house with his W is wrong to me. It is not right.

He has been separated for 10 months and in that time he has not even tried to set himself up or get a divorce even started.... He goes to her house every wk end and hangs out there with his son. He tells me frequently that he 'thinks' about going home. Well then go home I say!! Don't play games with my head or my heart anymore.

[Brightmoon]

You are hurt and angry Crystal, and understandably so.

You must feel terribly insecure knowing he wants to keep running back to his child and where his separated wife live.

 

He must be torn and confused too. But he chose you so it seems.

I guess the divorce is going ahead? That he means to end his marriage?

 

I can imagine that negotiating how to be there for his son must be so difficult for him.

 

I hope it works out for all concerned Crystal and I understand your frustration.

[bentnotbroken]

Excuse the timing of the post...I was just trying to explain what happened over xmas time.

 

I have absolutely no issue with MM spending time with his son....in fact I encourage him to be with him as much as he possibly can. I have never made him 'choose' between me and his son...ever. But spending the night there is not on. He is supposed to be seperated from his W.

 

But to drop a bombshell and tell me he wants to spend the night in a house with his W is completely unfair on our R. What about out R? How unfair is that on his W as well to give her false hope of him spending the night there. It is not right.

 

You have to understand that this is the trend of my MM. Going backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards.

 

He did not spend xmas eve there in the end. But he still tells me that he has a decision to make about whether he wants to go back home or not. I've just told him to go back home. Im tired of his excuses, lies and playing with people's emotions....that's what he does.

 

If he misses his son that much, then he should go back home for good and let me be.

 

 

What I don't get is why are you so pissed? This is a situation that was not only created by you and this selfish boy, but one that was placed in the lives of others. Things we do just don't go away because the outcome seems to be in our favor. He is what he is. I know no one likes to think that their MP will do to them what they did to the BS, but it is a possibility, right?

[eeyore1981]

Excuse the timing of the post...I was just trying to explain what happened over xmas time.

 

I have absolutely no issue with MM spending time with his son....in fact I encourage him to be with him as much as he possibly can. I have never made him 'choose' between me and his son...ever. But spending the night there is not on. He is supposed to be seperated from his W.

 

But to drop a bombshell and tell me he wants to spend the night in a house with his W is completely unfair on our R. What about out R? How unfair is that on his W as well to give her false hope of him spending the night there. It is not right.

 

You have to understand that this is the trend of my MM. Going backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards.

 

He did not spend xmas eve there in the end. But he still tells me that he has a decision to make about whether he wants to go back home or not. I've just told him to go back home. Im tired of his excuses, lies and playing with people's emotions....that's what he does.

 

If he misses his son that much, then he should go back home for good and let me be.

 

Hmmm, yet it was perfectly fair and cool for him to be doing whatever he was with you while he was MARRIED and his wife didn't even know about you...

 

You were willing to share him with his wife while he was married to her and the two of you were sneaking around, so what's different now?

[Angel1111]

No I don't think I overreacted at all. I am not going to be with someone who will spend the night in a house with his W when he is supposed to be separated from her. Not a chance. If I let it happen this time, then it will happen all the time and that is unfair on everyone. There were other choices he could have made here.

 

Yeah, now that you've explained his vascillation, I see what you're saying. I didn't necessarily mean that you needed to agree to him spending the night there but I thought options should've been discussed. I would say what you said once the words came out of his mouth about still having to make a decision as to whether he goes back home or not. Game over. Lose him.

[Angel1111]

Hmmm, yet it was perfectly fair and cool for him to be doing whatever he was with you while he was MARRIED and his wife didn't even know about you...

 

You were willing to share him with his wife while he was married to her and the two of you were sneaking around, so what's different now?

 

That's an unfair statement. She has an absolute right to expect him to be faithful to her now that he has left his marriage. If he isn't, then he might as well just go back to his miserable marriage. Most men either stay in their marriages or go back because they only want what's familiar to them. It's not a compliment to the wife.

[whichwayisup]

It's a bit late now but why couldn't the son have come to you - surely in the custody agreement arrangements were made for Christmas. The sort of thing that is agreed to here is either something like alternate Christmases with each parent or one to have them in the morning the other in the afternoon with alternating Christmas eve.

 

They aren't divorced, so there's no custody arrangement yet, legally anyway. And besides, is it fair to his son to be around someone else so soon, especially the kids FIRST Xmas with his parents apart??? I don't know of ANYONE who would do that to their kid, 1st Xmas, come spend it with daddy and his girlfriend, so mommy can be alone. Come on..

 

The bottomline is, your MM has not closed to the door to his marriage, obviously it's in his head that "one day he may go back.." Now it's up to you to take control, if he can't decide, do it for him, and do what is best for you.

 

Maybe this guy needs to BE ALONE and stop bouncing back and forth between you and his wife. If she takes him back, so be it - But if he tries to come back to you, let him be on his own.

[GreenEyedLady]

ARRGGHHHH!!!! So angry today. MM drops a bombshell saying he is 'thinking of going back home' to be with his son at xmas. I told him 'fine' but we are finished!!

He didn't end up going back home but instead on xmas eve turns around and says 'i want to spend JUST tonite at the house (with W there) to be with my son and wake up with him xmas morning'. I said 'are you kidding me - and will you do this every other occassion??'. He said I was selfish, didn't understand and could've been more supportive??????!!!!!!!!! This is a man that left his W 10 months ago, is supposed to be starting a life with me and says this to me on xmas eve?? Is there something I'm missing here??

 

Today I told him to 'pack your things TODAY and move back with your W and leave me the f**k alone'.

 

Granted a lot of this is my fault for being involved with someone as selfish as this.

 

2 years of my life for what??

 

OMG can't believe the posts I am seeing here!!

 

I'm divorced, been divorced from my children's father for 6 years and NEITHER OF US EVER SPENT THE NIGHT AT THE OTHER'S HOUSE TO WAKE UP WITH OUR CHILDREN ON XMAS!

 

Please people, you're ridiculous!

 

It's called a parenting plan and holidays are spelled out in this plan. He should see his child on Xmas Eve or Xmas but he sure as HELL doesn't need to spend the night at the X's.

 

If my H ever had told me such BS as this, I'd have sent him packing and never spoke to him again!

 

This is cake-eating, not an overreaction on Crystal's part!

 

Isn't there a thread on respect around here? How can we expect OW to have respect for themselves if we give advice that they should have lower expectations for themselves because of their R which is exactly what I heard on Page 1? That she overreacted and he is just wanting to spend time with his son?!

 

There is a time and place for visitation and his (STBX?)W's house IS NOT it!

 

Crystal-good for you! I'm glad that you were able to stand up for yourself and not back down! How you handle things now, set the precedence for how things will be handled in the future and the last thing you want to do is set a precedence for him to be running home at her beck and call.

 

Kudos Crystal!

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

They aren't divorced, so there's no custody arrangement yet, legally anyway. And besides, is it fair to his son to be around someone else so soon, especially the kids FIRST Xmas with his parents apart??? I don't know of ANYONE who would do that to their kid, 1st Xmas, come spend it with daddy and his girlfriend, so mommy can be alone. Come on..

 

The bottomline is, your MM has not closed to the door to his marriage, obviously it's in his head that "one day he may go back.." Now it's up to you to take control, if he can't decide, do it for him, and do what is best for you.

 

Maybe this guy needs to BE ALONE and stop bouncing back and forth between you and his wife. If she takes him back, so be it - But if he tries to come back to you, let him be on his own.

 

There doesn't have to be a D in order to have a custody arrangement. There is usually a hearing set to determine support and visitation soon after filing.

 

The thing here is him wanting to spend the night at the house. Ridiculous. Let's say someone posts in "Dating" forum: My Separated Boyfriend wants to spend night at STBX's house to wake up to son on Xmas?" What do you think the posts would say there?

 

But I agree it was up to Crystal and she did the best thing she could have done.

 

GEL

[hopesndreams]

I have never made him choose b/w me or his son. The son comes first in all of this. However, spending the night in a house with his W is wrong to me. It is not right.

He has been separated for 10 months and in that time he has not even tried to set himself up or get a divorce even started.... He goes to her house every wk end and hangs out there with his son. He tells me frequently that he 'thinks' about going home. Well then go home I say!! Don't play games with my head or my heart anymore.

 

He is no doubt telling his W that there is a chance for reconciliation. He's still cake eating.

[Samantha0905]

I have never made him choose b/w me or his son. The son comes first in all of this. However, spending the night in a house with his W is wrong to me. It is not right.

He has been separated for 10 months and in that time he has not even tried to set himself up or get a divorce even started.... He goes to her house every wk end and hangs out there with his son. He tells me frequently that he 'thinks' about going home. Well then go home I say!! Don't play games with my head or my heart anymore.

 

Just from someone who has been your MM -- it sounds like he definitely has not decided he wants a divorce yet.

 

That's an unfair statement. She has an absolute right to expect him to be faithful to her now that he has left his marriage. If he isn't, then he might as well just go back to his miserable marriage. Most men either stay in their marriages or go back because they only want what's familiar to them. It's not a compliment to the wife.

 

He's still married. He's separated (apparently), but crystal clearly states he has not even started any kind of legal divorce proceedings? He's doing what I did -- living somewhere separately, but still married. If he's spending every weekend at the house to "see his son" -- that doesn't sound like a marriage he's 100% positive he wants to end. What's wrong with the son spending the weekend with him? That takes the wife out of the equation, if he truly wants a divorce. Plus, it seems a legal separation and arrangements for visitation would have been worked out in the interim until formal divorce proceedings take place.

[whichwayisup]

My real point was and still is, to invite the child to spend his first Xmas with his dad and girlfriend probably isn't fair to the kid.

 

I actually though my reply was respectful.

 

Anyway, her MM is waivering again, she even said he's done this before and it seems he's leaning towards going back home to be with his family again, whatever his real reason is, his child or family life, or maybe even he misses his wife, I don't know - But if he leaves again, she (Crystal) should not allow him back, atleast until he's officially divorced and been on his own (aka living alone) for a while.

[Samantha0905]

and I tried to edit my post to include this:

 

And I agree, crystal should not be okay with this -- but if he's been behaving this way anyway -- and she's been accepting it -- she's allowing him to have his home life and her at the same time. This is the sort of thing that happens when one gets involved with a married person. If he wants out of the marriage and has been separated 10 months, he definitely should be setting things on a more permanent road. Just him saying he's thinking of returning home is a big giant red flag for crystal. She needs to cut things completely off and let him decide and begin formal proceedings (if he is going to do so), but honestly it sounds like he is still attached to his marriage.

 

[outofthedark]

He needs to make a decision and OWN it. It sounds as if he hasnt quite made that decision. He left her, moved in with you but still carries on with her. That is not finished there with his wife. If he is "thinking" about going home, well crap. What are you supposed to do, say okay I will wait until you have made your decision? I dont think so.

This man is totally fence sitting. I dont care what house he sleeps in or what woman he is currently with, he has NOT made a decisive decision and owned it.

You are in a different situation than most ow that are posting, he IS with you, you have the RIGHT to force him into making a choice once and for all. Dont wait, dont let him get away with this crap. It will bring you down totally and leave you feeling horrible.

This worked for me...give him a list. "if you want a relatipnship with me you MUST do the following" and put on there what you HAVE to have to feel secure. If he hesitates or doesn't comply, there is your answer. Force this issue, for your own health and sanity

[elle01]

Just from someone who has been your MM -- it sounds like he definitely has not decided he wants a divorce yet.

 

 

 

He's still married. He's separated (apparently), but crystal clearly states he has not even started any kind of legal divorce proceedings? He's doing what I did -- living somewhere separately, but still married. If he's spending every weekend at the house to "see his son" -- that doesn't sound like a marriage he's 100% positive he wants to end. What's wrong with the son spending the weekend with him? That takes the wife out of the equation, if he truly wants a divorce. Plus, it seems a legal separation and arrangements for visitation would have been worked out in the interim until formal divorce proceedings take place.

 

well I was going to post.... but you took the words right out of my mouth..well said

[Angel1111]

Just from someone who has been your MM -- it sounds like he definitely has not decided he wants a divorce yet.

 

I was only responding to the comment that seemed to indicate that the OP was out of line for requiring that he be faithful to her. She has every right to require and expect it. Now that he has said what he said, I'd tell him to kiss off.