gopher Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 That's an unfair statement. She has an absolute right to expect him to be faithful to her now that he has left his marriage. If he isn't, then he might as well just go back to his miserable marriage. Most men either stay in their marriages or go back because they only want what's familiar to them. It's not a compliment to the wife. Why would he be any more faithful to her, than he was to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 It sounds as if although he made moves to show you that he had chosen to be with you he never completely shut the door on his marriage and that gap is now going to widen. CL - I think you've done the right thing and I applaud you on your strength. You can't let him string you along and if he goes back towards his wife you're better knowing sooner rather than later. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 It sounds like this is about him wanting to spend time with his son, not the X. Just remember that a break up is incredibly taxing and confusing on the children. Being good parents post divorce is hard- and it sounds like he is trying to find a way to make that work. He's already made a choice to be with you over his wife- but don't make him think he has to choose between you and his son. His son isn't your enemy. I am assuming that the only way he can see his son on x-mas is if he goes back to the house? Him and the X are going to have to learn how to parent post break up- sacrifices on all of your sides need to be made to make the transition smoother and less taxing on the kid. He's not abondoning you- he's embracing his child. Totally agree with this post. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Crystal, My heart breaks for you, and your situation is pretty much precisely like the one I ended last week. He'd been out a year and a half and divorced for several months (his xW filed to "wake him up", but neither wanted the D). Anyway, he always insisted on spending time with the kids at his xW's house rather than his own (He got his own place bc I didn't want him to move right in with me). He'd even taken his xW on vacation behind my back (with the kids, supposedly for the kids's sake). Anyway, I got frequent speeches from him about his "thinking" about going back to his xW. Although he never did, he never really left her either. And that pretty much ate me alive. After I discovered the lie about the vacation and he screamed at me about his xW finding out about our engagement, I ended it. For my own sanity. I don't see this ending well for you either. Might be time to move on. ((((hugs)))) Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 It sounds like this is about him wanting to spend time with his son, not the X. No, because he could do that anywhere else in the world. Why does he have to see his son at the W's house? Just remember that a break up is incredibly taxing and confusing on the children. Being good parents post divorce is hard- and it sounds like he is trying to find a way to make that work. Yes, but this is 10 months later, not a week later. All this time they should have been transtioning their reltaionship to a platonic coparenting one. The fact that they are not is telling. My xH and I seperated 9 months before Christmas, and no way would we have had him stay over with me. We spent that time seperating ourselves and extracating out lives. This excuse doesn't wash. What you have here is two people who don't want divorce. He's already made a choice to be with you over his wife- but don't make him think he has to choose between you and his son. His son isn't your enemy. I don't think she is doing that. This guy hasn't chosen anything. He's just chosen a more creative way to keep both. Not divorcing or having his son at his own house after almost a year? C'mon. He's using the kid as an excuse, but he's really just keeping his foot in the W's door. Him and the X are going to have to learn how to parent post break up- sacrifices on all of your sides need to be made to make the transition smoother and less taxing on the kid. Yes, but right now, it looks like neither parent is trying to do that. They're both sitting there in limbo but refusing the shut the door, and it's hurting crystal, so it will probably be up to her to shut her own door. And that really sucks. But, it's interesting - why do people think this is ok for the kid? It's confusing - is daddy coming home or not? Are my parents together or aren't they? He's selfishly refusing to allow the kid to get closure on the end of the parent's relationship. I remember one time my xH lingered too long in my house when dropping the kids off and my kids got really upset. Being together "for the kids" is really solely "for the parents" and no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 My stbxH's girlfriend is of a similar mindset, and I can completely understand it actually. I can see it from her point of view. However... This year was the first time that we didn't 'stay over' so that we could have her wake up to having both mom and dad under the same roof on Christmas. We have been separated for nearly five years now, but neither of us were in a serious enough relationship to preclude 'sleeping over' for our kid's benefit. This year, it was different. I am seeing someone seriously, and so is stbxH. It was awkward at first, but we managed and daughter ended up being ok with it after all. As the separated parent though, it tore me up inside to think of having our first truly 'separated' Christmas. I was so worried that daughter would be sad, upset or whatever. But honestly, she is thirteen now and understands. If she was young like she was when we first split up - young enough to not understand the need to be separate, then it would have tore me up even more and I would have likely done the same thing your man did - trying to do what is necessary to keep from having my kid have a broken Christmas and associating Christmas with "we aren't a family anymore". I can honestly say that when we would do the 'stay over' thing, it was never because we wanted to be with each other again. It was only to have daughter wake up with some semblance of a together family, even if only for a day. We may not have been husband and wife anymore, but we were still mom and dad and therefore 'family'. I think he was trying to compensate for leaving by wanting to be back on Christmas to save his son what he thought would be heartbreak by not having dad there. It is a tough situation. I can see it from your POV, and I can see it from his too. There is no happy mediums in the year or two (or more) after a marriage breaks up. That first year of broken milestones is the hardest for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 No, because he could do that anywhere else in the world. Why does he have to see his son at the W's house? Because it is NOT fair to the child to be around the OW right now. 10 months is NOT that long and for the first Christmas, to be around dad's girlfriend isn't cool. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 How old is the child? How long is enough to play happy families and lie to the child? Kids always know what's up and don't get given enough credit for being "in" on what's going on. It's confusing to the children and self-serving for the parents. OP, it's been 10 months and have glanced over some of your previous threads. You are now in his W's place that she was in not long ago and now she has taken over your previous role. He's not being fair to either of you. What and how much do you know of his W? She could still be fighting for what she considers hers. You won once, you may not be so lucky the next time. How long will he have 2 women fighting over him? What an ego boost for him. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I remember you CL. 1) He isn't divorced because he doesn't WANT to be divorced. If he WANTED a D he would be...not "just separated". He is toe-dipping. Testing the waters to see what its like for HIM - if HE likes it and can live with it. (notice, its NOT about you) 2) Selfish? That's a given. You KNOW this. You've KNOWN this for a long time. Question is...do YOU WANT to continue living like this? Its part of WHO he is...and you either accept it or not. If you cannot...what will YOU do? 3) He is missing the "Holiday" life. Not sure if I'm clear but he wants BOTH W and child for the Holidays...a real Hallmark moment. This is a subtle form of regret and unhappiness btw. You have to PROTECT yourself. So, I suppose my question to you dear CL is HOW will you react long term to this? Link to post Share on other sites
moaningmyrtle Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 They aren't divorced, so there's no custody arrangement yet, legally anyway. And besides, is it fair to his son to be around someone else so soon, especially the kids FIRST Xmas with his parents apart??? I don't know of ANYONE who would do that to their kid, 1st Xmas, come spend it with daddy and his girlfriend, so mommy can be alone. Come on.. The bottomline is, your MM has not closed to the door to his marriage, obviously it's in his head that "one day he may go back.." Now it's up to you to take control, if he can't decide, do it for him, and do what is best for you. Maybe this guy needs to BE ALONE and stop bouncing back and forth between you and his wife. If she takes him back, so be it - But if he tries to come back to you, let him be on his own. I made the original suggestion - in my country custody arrangements are made between the 2 parents and can be made once parents are no longer together; independently of whether the divorce has come through. In fact divorce is easier here if the custody arrangements are already in place. Furthermore once custody is agreed the parent who had the child(ren)on the day cannot then say "sorry the child cannot go and stay with the new girlfriend" unless the agreement specifically excludes her. Just clarifying why I don't understand the rules in whichever country the OP is from. Of course any sensitive parent will do the best they can to make it as easy as possible on the child(ren) and I agree that might include not introducing then to a new potential step-mum on Christmas day. The thought also occurred to me that maybe the MM already had made the plan to stay at his BW's house but not bothered to tell the OP about it until the last moment. This is a standard tactic of MM in affairs. To spring something at the last moment, on the person being betrayed. This not only mimimised arguments but doesn't allow the other person a chance to consider other possibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Brokenlady Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Because it is NOT fair to the child to be around the OW right now. 10 months is NOT that long and for the first Christmas, to be around dad's girlfriend isn't cool. "Anywhere in the world" did not assume around the now former OW. It is way too soon for that when no one has even filed for divorce. Is Crystal living with the MM? If so, that complicates matters, but does not excuse MM. He could still have gone over to the W's early in the morn so as to give the illusion of having been there all night for the kid, or he could spend his half of the day with the kid at his mother's (grandparent's) home. There are alternatives, it just doesn't sound like MM here even wanted to look at alternatives. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Ruined - I appreciate what you are saying but do you really think that's a constructive comment? I think it's pretty clear that CL is aware of what he may be doing and I don't think just because she is a former OW she deserves to be treated that way. Your post comes off as condescending which is unnecessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 There's a way of putting a point across and to laugh in the face of someone's pain ain't pleasant. If only we could all be as perfect as you. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 He is what he always has been. If he wants to go home, he should. Why would you want a man around who doesn't want to be with you? Why would you want a man living with you if he isn't sure he wants you or his wife? But if he goes, don't take him back. If you do, it's on you for making that choice and keeping the door open to more heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
gopher Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 The cliche is that they always take them back, I hopes she does the surprising thing and sends him packing. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Apologies Ruined. I didn't mean to be personal. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Like I said - I apologise. I do think that everybody has the 'right' to expect a person to be faithful if they declare to be so, regardless of how the relationship began. I know that your comment was based upon his behaviour but I think the wink was unhelpful. Anyway, I'm sorry I jumped on you. It was undeserved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 Because it is NOT fair to the child to be around the OW right now. 10 months is NOT that long and for the first Christmas, to be around dad's girlfriend isn't cool. I NEVER asked his son to be with me on xmas day. You are assuming here. I know my MM better than anyone here. I simply said 'be with your son as much as you need on xmas eve and xmas morning - stay there til midnight then go back at 4 in the morning before he wakes up - but I am not supporting you staying the evening - especially when his W is counting on him coming back home.....this is wrong on her. She STILL does not know about me - he won't tell her -FENCE SITTTER Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 I don't expect anything from him anymore. I am sure he has always had a plan...yes I will leave but I will make sure I can go back whenever I choose... I told him yesterday that I think he should go home. He is trying to have the best of both worlds. Openly told me that if he 'decides to go back home - he will tell me' Geez thanks... I told him 'don't bother just go home' I have not heard from him and have made no attempt to contact him either. Strangely enough I got out of bed this morning (yes broken and hurt but not as bad as I thought -maybe hasn't hit me yet) but just continued on with my life... what else can I do? Im just going to keep going...I'm sure I will here from him. I don't want to answer anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 Why would he be any more faithful to her, than he was to his wife. Oh, please. Not this topic again. I know everyone just LOVES to believe that if a person cheats on one person, then they will cheat on another. It makes everyone feel better to believe that. The bottom line is, he betrayed his wife and nothing is going to change that. He has insulted her to the highest level she could be insulted. At this point, he can go back to her, he can stay away, he can do handstands. His wife can feel validated when he goes back but the truth is the problems will all set in again and it will be the same old crap that it was before. If he's undecided about being with the OW, it's probably because he doesn't like change, can't handle the judgement he faces for divorcing, can't stand being away from his kids, feels pain about parting with the money, etc. So they can all go back and pretend they have something valuable in their empty marriage and everyone feels better because he realized his 'error'. Right. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I'm sure I will here from him. I don't want to answer anymore. then don't answer and don't see him. he obviously sees you as less pf a priority - he's just being honest about wanting to go back - he just wants you to be willing to wait around so he has a playmate to hang with when it's convenient for him. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I NEVER asked his son to be with me on xmas day. You are assuming here. I know my MM better than anyone here. I simply said 'be with your son as much as you need on xmas eve and xmas morning - stay there til midnight then go back at 4 in the morning before he wakes up - but I am not supporting you staying the evening - especially when his W is counting on him coming back home.....this is wrong on her. She STILL does not know about me - he won't tell her -FENCE SITTTER Whoa! You are still the dirty little secret? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 I NEVER asked his son to be with me on xmas day. You are assuming here. I know my MM better than anyone here. I simply said 'be with your son as much as you need on xmas eve and xmas morning - stay there til midnight then go back at 4 in the morning before he wakes up - but I am not supporting you staying the evening - especially when his W is counting on him coming back home.....this is wrong on her. She STILL does not know about me - he won't tell her -FENCE SITTTER My reply wasn't directed at you, it was someone else who said that the son should come to him, but that would have meant you being there too since you two live together. She STILL does not know about me - he won't tell her -FENCE SITTTER She doesn't know about you, doesn't know you two are a couple. living together? YES, he is fence sitting, big time. Time for him to sheyt or get off the pot, otherwise you should just bail on him as he's not worth this heartache. Best thing he can do now is be alone and take time for himself. It's a shame he didn't do that before. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 27, 2009 Share Posted December 27, 2009 then don't answer and don't see him. he obviously sees you as less pf a priority - he's just being honest about wanting to go back - he just wants you to be willing to wait around so he has a playmate to hang with when it's convenient for him. I think 'I don't want to answer anymore' meant that she doesn't want to answer anymore questions on this post for the moment. You know, I left my husband and then started dating someone right after that. It was a mistake because I hadn't given myself the time to process the divorce - which was compounded because of our son. It was a bad marriage and I didn't want to be in it but there is still a time of healing that needs to take place when a marriage ends. It's not about the new person in your life, it's not about your parents, it's not about anything but yourself. This is something that my new bf didn't understand. It's not about him not making her a priority, it's about him trying to get through the process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 27, 2009 Author Share Posted December 27, 2009 I think 'I don't want to answer anymore' meant that she doesn't want to answer anymore questions on this post for the moment. You know, I left my husband and then started dating someone right after that. It was a mistake because I hadn't given myself the time to process the divorce - which was compounded because of our son. It was a bad marriage and I didn't want to be in it but there is still a time of healing that needs to take place when a marriage ends. It's not about the new person in your life, it's not about your parents, it's not about anything but yourself. This is something that my new bf didn't understand. It's not about him not making her a priority, it's about him trying to get through the process. I'm happy to answer questions on the post - just don't want to answer his phone calls IF he does call again Link to post Share on other sites
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