fooled once Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Crystal, I truly am sorry he is treating you so disrespectfully. He hasn't contacted you, because he has gone home to his wife and child (my guess). How old is his son? I divorced my ex when my son was 6. That first Christmas, I was with someone and so was he. I invited him and her over on Christmas morning. The man I was seeing was okay with this because I would not want him to feel uncomfortable. The following year, when the divorce was final, I again invited him over (with his g/f). There was no reason for my ex to stay the night, there was no reason to pretend we were a 'happy family' as it would have only confused our son. Since the man you are/were having an affair with never even started divorce proceedings, that lack of action alone should have thrown huge red flags up for you. There is no custody arrangements because no one has filed. He is a classic cake eater. Has he had other affairs during his marriage? We have no idea what he is telling his wife ~ for all we know, he is telling her he just needs time/space to figure out what he wants. He is lying to her and he is lying to you. I am so sorry how much hurt you are going through. I hope that this time next year, you are with a single man who cherishes you and isn't lying to you. I applaud you for not tolerating this any longer. I know you will hurt, but you will heal. Life will continue and you will have learned a very valuable lesson. ((hug)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Step back for just a second. Re-read the bolded part. Breathe. Now, what have you been doing in this relationship? Am I wrong, or have you been sharing for a lengthy period of time? Whether you were willing in your head or not, based on your actions, you have been doing just that. Again, step back and read your own words, let them sink in and then look at your actions. I know what you're trying to say. I didn't want it to be like this. Stupidly, I waited for him to 'get his head together' so we could 'be together'.... why did I do that? I look back now and I can't believe I did this Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Crystal, I truly am sorry he is treating you so disrespectfully. He hasn't contacted you, because he has gone home to his wife and child (my guess). How old is his son? I divorced my ex when my son was 6. That first Christmas, I was with someone and so was he. I invited him and her over on Christmas morning. The man I was seeing was okay with this because I would not want him to feel uncomfortable. The following year, when the divorce was final, I again invited him over (with his g/f). There was no reason for my ex to stay the night, there was no reason to pretend we were a 'happy family' as it would have only confused our son. Since the man you are/were having an affair with never even started divorce proceedings, that lack of action alone should have thrown huge red flags up for you. There is no custody arrangements because no one has filed. He is a classic cake eater. Has he had other affairs during his marriage? We have no idea what he is telling his wife ~ for all we know, he is telling her he just needs time/space to figure out what he wants. He is lying to her and he is lying to you. I am so sorry how much hurt you are going through. I hope that this time next year, you are with a single man who cherishes you and isn't lying to you. I applaud you for not tolerating this any longer. I know you will hurt, but you will heal. Life will continue and you will have learned a very valuable lesson. ((hug)) His son is 3. Thank you for your kind words. I'm hurting badly right now and I know I am responsible for a lot of that hurt Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I should have walked long ago. No, you should've not moved in with him so soon. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I know what you're trying to say. I didn't want it to be like this. Stupidly, I waited for him to 'get his head together' so we could 'be together'.... why did I do that? I look back now and I can't believe I did this No most of us don't want what was dished. Just like most BS, you have to make a choice. I didn't want to make the choice to move on, but looking at the actions of Mr. Messy and the things that he were saying....the two didn't match. Could I live my life wandering if the words coming from his mouth were the truth this time or if he was still having cake on the side. I had to figure out if I wanted to spend the rest of my life waiting to see if the other shoe would not only drop but hit me upside the head. I decided I would be better off in peace and hurting for awhile than in drama and hurting daily. Keep looking. Then look some more. Where do your steps lead? Do they lead to peace or more drama? Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 His son is 3. Thank you for your kind words. I'm hurting badly right now and I know I am responsible for a lot of that hurt No, you just showed faith in someone you love and who loves you. You don't know yet what he has done but I would pretty much do what you have done. It's too much drama and too much indecision on his part. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Also, I think I made a mistake about what I posted above about moving in with him - based on your other posts, I'm not sure that's what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 No, you just showed faith in someone you love and who loves you. You don't know yet what he has done but I would pretty much do what you have done. It's too much drama and too much indecision on his part. I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Also, I think I made a mistake about what I posted above about moving in with him - based on your other posts, I'm not sure that's what happened. Thank you. He didn't end up moving in with me....he was with a friend then his parents. One part of me wants to make contact with him....I can't believe he would move back home and not tell me (if he has done this) Another bigger part of me just wants to keep walking and never see him again. It's so hard as the hours go by. Every time I go to contact him I just think of all the lies and hurt and I put the phone down. I don't want to relive anymore of this with him Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 No most of us don't want what was dished. Just like most BS, you have to make a choice. I didn't want to make the choice to move on, but looking at the actions of Mr. Messy and the things that he were saying....the two didn't match. Could I live my life wandering if the words coming from his mouth were the truth this time or if he was still having cake on the side. I had to figure out if I wanted to spend the rest of my life waiting to see if the other shoe would not only drop but hit me upside the head. I decided I would be better off in peace and hurting for awhile than in drama and hurting daily. Keep looking. Then look some more. Where do your steps lead? Do they lead to peace or more drama? After 2 years...I honestly want peace...I need peace Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Thank you. He didn't end up moving in with me....he was with a friend then his parents. One part of me wants to make contact with him....I can't believe he would move back home and not tell me (if he has done this) Another bigger part of me just wants to keep walking and never see him again. It's so hard as the hours go by. Every time I go to contact him I just think of all the lies and hurt and I put the phone down. I don't want to relive anymore of this with him I know it's difficult and you want answers but he needs to be the one to contact you. You really don't know what's going on and I'd be surprised if he just picked up and moved right back in. He may be at a bar with a buddy discussing his miserable plight in life. He may be sitting in front of the tv staring into space. You don't know. Let him call you. It's his responsibility to do that and tell you what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 After 2 years...I honestly want peace...I need peace Peace doesn't just happen because you want it. Just as you wanted this relationship...you took steps for that to happen. Now for peace you have to take steps for that to happen as well. The decision is entirely yours. He only has the power you allow him to have. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 You know when your heart wants to believe one thing but your stomach tells you the other (the truth). I have that feeling ALL the time. I don't trust my life would be any better with him...it's just been really hard facing that...don't ask me why because I don't know. Your emotions and heart want one thing, and your mind and gut are telling you the other... Ofcourse it's hard facing that - This is what BS's go through, tenfold! It also doesn't help he's talking from both sides of his ass. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 If you want peace and no drama, then get out of this affair now. You may thnk it's a relationship, but it still is an affair because of the dynamtic make up of it all. You're still hidden and not IN his daily life like a real out in the open relationship is. stay strong and be good to yourself. Looks like someone needs a day at the Spa with a good friend! Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I was NEVER willing to share. It is easy for you to say that. You don't know the hell I went through or the FULL story I haven't read all your posts, just this thread. What do I know from it? You have referred to 2 years, I take it that is how long you have been in a relationship with him. You said he separated from his wife 10 months ago. That leaves 14 months of sharing him with his wife. I see after I posted, you add more info, the most important being he still hasn't told his wife about you. ??? If he lies to his wife, why would he be honest with you? If he hasn't told his wife about you 10 months after leaving her, why would you think you had a committed, monogamous relationship? Take what Angel111 says, do you really think that is true? That men only go back to their M because they want what is familiar, don't want to lose money, kids, etc. Sounds all warm and fuzzy for the OW's, but it doesn't really hold up when you consider how many men out there divorce without having a woman on the side. Is it only cheaters who are incapable of getting a divorce unless they are kicked to the curb and have no choice? Does that really make sense? He said he doesn't love his wife. Would you have had the relationship with him if he told you he did love his wife? What else do you expect a MM to say about his wife? The things I'm saying are not for you to answer to me, because honestly, I couldn't care less. I'm bored, and there is nothing going on in other threads. These things I have said are for you to think about, honestly, and to maybe give you a wake-up to the real world. No matter what you do at this point, you are going to have some hurting to deal with, you just need to decide what hurt and how long you want to feel it. Link to post Share on other sites
ForumFool Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Wow you do not trust him...have told him you do not trust him when you said he could not spend the night with his wife for his kids sake....he is already calling you selfish.....that's something married people hear years into the marriage not when all is newish. I predict this dance will go on forever as long as you let him in your pants...his kid will grow up and hate you as the women who kept dad away at Christmas..which is how it will be told by dad and his mom someday....I know he cheated with you but you will not win him with mistrust....You have been thrown under the bus and sadly if you let him he will only use you for sex. I am sorry but I am stating this to show you....this does NOT sound like a love relationship...calls you names...you demand he not spend Christmas as he wants....with his kid..maybe wife....you don't trust him....Its a mess...leave or stay but know if you stay he will never leave his wife and kid for good....your posts suggest his heart is there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Wow you do not trust him...have told him you do not trust him when you said he could not spend the night with his wife for his kids sake....he is already calling you selfish.....that's something married people hear years into the marriage not when all is newish. I predict this dance will go on forever as long as you let him in your pants...his kid will grow up and hate you as the women who kept dad away at Christmas..which is how it will be told by dad and his mom someday....I know he cheated with you but you will not win him with mistrust....You have been thrown under the bus and sadly if you let him he will only use you for sex. I am sorry but I am stating this to show you....this does NOT sound like a love relationship...calls you names...you demand he not spend Christmas as he wants....with his kid..maybe wife....you don't trust him....Its a mess...leave or stay but know if you stay he will never leave his wife and kid for good....your posts suggest his heart is there. I think your 'guessing' at a lot of things here...especially about his kid growing up to hate me....you don't know that. What I am trying to focus on is moving on and realizing that my mistake was 'giving him time' to move on with me. If he loved me enough, he would not need time to start a D, he would have told his W about me and faced the consequences. He is a cake eater. I stupidly never wanted to face that but now I see it, especially after what happened at xmas. I need to put me first and that's what I am trying to do. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 This situation has so many red flags in it. He left, but didn't get a lease to his own place. That means that he HAS to go to the marital home to visit his son. His W doesn't know that he is seeing someone. Not a biggie considering no woman is dumb enough to assume that he isn't seeing anyone over a ten month time period, unless of course, he's lying to her about it. Last but not least, he hasn't seen a lawyer in the entire 10 months?!!! When exactly is he planning to get divorced then? I don't see the big deal about him spending the night with his son, regardless of the situation. But I do see that he hasn't really committed anything to you, other than that he wants to keep seeing you and he doesn't want his W to know. If his W knows about you, his divorce will likely become less than amicable. But the fact that he hasn't filed gives me the impression that he doesn't plan to. You have got much bigger problems than him possibly spending the night for his son on any given holiday. The problem is he is testing the "going home" waters with his W. I hate that he told you the day before what he was planning to do. How disrespectful!!! If you are dumping him, you are doing the right thing, IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I need to put me first and that's what I am trying to do. Good for you. Just look forward and take it one day at a time. There is better out there for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ForumFool Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I think your 'guessing' at a lot of things here...especially about his kid growing up to hate me....you don't know that. What I am trying to focus on is moving on and realizing that my mistake was 'giving him time' to move on with me. If he loved me enough, he would not need time to start a D, he would have told his W about me and faced the consequences. He is a cake eater. I stupidly never wanted to face that but now I see it, especially after what happened at xmas. I need to put me first and that's what I am trying to do. True I am guessing on the kid hating you but IF you two stayed together and his wife found out I think it would be painted that way...though one cannot know...BUT my point to you is....nothing sounds good here for you...there is no trust.....you call one another selfish (names) he is mad at you over Christmas and how you handled it...It reeks of no rainbows...so what I am suggesting to be supportive of your leaving him and focusing on you..is....its not a big loss...the dude and relationship ..as it is..not as you want or wish it to be..is not a happy, healthy or good one.....Yes please for you work on you...and move away from him for good...He is playing you...maybe he is messed up but that doesn't make it right....find a nice single dude or divorced one...after you heal and be happy..This time should be fun and happy a honeymoon period of sorts and it sounds like such a mess of lies and drama...Be happy!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 True I am guessing on the kid hating you but IF you two stayed together and his wife found out I think it would be painted that way...though one cannot know...BUT my point to you is....nothing sounds good here for you...there is no trust.....you call one another selfish (names) he is mad at you over Christmas and how you handled it...It reeks of no rainbows...so what I am suggesting to be supportive of your leaving him and focusing on you..is....its not a big loss...the dude and relationship ..as it is..not as you want or wish it to be..is not a happy, healthy or good one.....Yes please for you work on you...and move away from him for good...He is playing you...maybe he is messed up but that doesn't make it right....find a nice single dude or divorced one...after you heal and be happy..This time should be fun and happy a honeymoon period of sorts and it sounds like such a mess of lies and drama...Be happy!! Thank you for the advice. You are right. I had to stop focusing of what I wished for and look at what it actually was.... a huge mess. It's not healthy at all and without my health, I guess I can never really be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Just want to say a big 'thank you' to everyone here. A lot of you have shown great support and have helped me get through yet another painful day. It's not all doom and gloom I know, but at the moment it does hurt. I know once I look back on things, hopefully with much more clarity, I will see that this was never meant to be. There was no foundation to this R. Although I believed we had bet the odds, we didn't. It was an Affair. That's all it was. Link to post Share on other sites
ForumFool Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Huge hugs CL I wish I knew how to take the hurt away but I don't.....For me I isolate lick my wounds and then in time feel better and CAN look back and say ..wow what a jerk that one was...but right now...I know you can and can't cause the pain is there too new....Some people need IC some need to run to burn off the pain and stress...stay away from drugs...booze and other men right now...take good care of YOU ...warm bubble baths...candles....seek the company of solid friends...shyt like that....and time...ah time....sometimes it drags on and other times it runs past you....keep on keeping on being as kind to you as you know how Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 28, 2009 Author Share Posted December 28, 2009 Crystal I'm sorry for what is happening to you. I think sometimes the MM may very much love the OW, but they don't have the courage to do the things it takes to leave the M and take a chance. Sometimes it's easier to live with what you know, than take a chance on the unknown. Just my 2 cents......... You are right.... He is too scared....I can't help him anymore.... I don't want to make him see anymore....I'm exhausted from him, the lies and everything else that comes from an A. It's just a big waste of energy Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I take it you still haven't heard from him? When was the last time you heard from him? I am betting he is with her --- and he doesn't want to tell you until he gets 'back' and then he can say "well, it is over and done with so no sense fighting about it" or some crap like that. How are you feeling today? ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 Yeah, I'm wondering, too, if you've heard from him. Hope you're doing ok. Link to post Share on other sites
John Who Posted December 28, 2009 Share Posted December 28, 2009 I NEVER asked his son to be with me on xmas day. You are assuming here. I know my MM better than anyone here. I simply said 'be with your son as much as you need on xmas eve and xmas morning - stay there til midnight then go back at 4 in the morning before he wakes up - but I am not supporting you staying the evening - especially when his W is counting on him coming back home.....this is wrong on her. She STILL does not know about me - he won't tell her -FENCE SITTTER Why would you care if it is wrong for W,you did not care for her feelings when you had the A with him. Let's be honest you are so insecure and threatened by his W,that I can smell it over here. You are with a confussed boy,does not know what he wants and it scares you,because you know he may still want to return home. Let him go. Link to post Share on other sites
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