bittersweet memories Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 You know when your heart wants to believe one thing but your stomach tells you the other (the truth). I have that feeling ALL the time. I don't trust my life would be any better with him...it's just been really hard facing that...don't ask me why because I don't know. you seem honest with yourself and not making excuses for him. Atleast you are not in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 29, 2009 Share Posted December 29, 2009 Crystal, If I can offer some advice from a similar situation. My sMM left some months ago. During this time period, fairly recently, due to some extinuating circumstances he ended up spending the night. He called me to ask me if it okay. I appreciated him asking and I was okay with it. They were not in the same room, they slept in separate beds, and he spent his time with his kids. I spoke to him on the phone before he went to sleep and first thing in the morning so I know they were not together. But, at the end of the day, I do trust him and didn't have any major qualms about it. I think where our situations have differed is his behaviour has shown no backtracking and his words and actions parellel. Though I do have times of doubt I either trust him until I have reason not to or I don't. You need to do what is best for you. If you have had enough, and you don't trust that he has your best interest at heart, then you need to let him go. I could not tolerate any going back and forth. That is unfair to all parties involved. He has either moved on from the marriage or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Crystal, If I can offer some advice from a similar situation. My sMM left some months ago. During this time period, fairly recently, due to some extinuating circumstances he ended up spending the night. He called me to ask me if it okay. I appreciated him asking and I was okay with it. They were not in the same room, they slept in separate beds, and he spent his time with his kids. I spoke to him on the phone before he went to sleep and first thing in the morning so I know they were not together. But, at the end of the day, I do trust him and didn't have any major qualms about it. I think where our situations have differed is his behaviour has shown no backtracking and his words and actions parellel. Though I do have times of doubt I either trust him until I have reason not to or I don't. You need to do what is best for you. If you have had enough, and you don't trust that he has your best interest at heart, then you need to let him go. I could not tolerate any going back and forth. That is unfair to all parties involved. He has either moved on from the marriage or not. Thank you. My MM has been out of home for 10 months and has made no attempt to get a D. He has not told his W about me and we have been together for 2 years. In my eyes, something just doesn't add up here. If you truly love someone and want to make a life with them, you do it. We are spending time apart. I am very angry at him and don't want to talk to him right now. He 'sprung' it on me that he wanted to spend the night there. Christmas eve at 5pm. I just think if I allow it this once then he will do it again and again. It's just my gut feeling Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Then that is what you need to follow. Always follow your gut. There are no hard and fast rules here and it is about being true to yourself and your boundaries. It may have been, if it had been discussed prior you would have been okay with, maybe never, maybe whatever, but it is something that as partners you guys needed to discuss. We are not at 10 months though we are at the two year mark. Unfortunately BW does know about me but does not know we are currently together. What does make me feel better is I have access to his emails, computer, etc. So I do not feel like things are happening behind my back which is what makes me comfortable. Do what is best for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 Then that is what you need to follow. Always follow your gut. There are no hard and fast rules here and it is about being true to yourself and your boundaries. It may have been, if it had been discussed prior you would have been okay with, maybe never, maybe whatever, but it is something that as partners you guys needed to discuss. We are not at 10 months though we are at the two year mark. Unfortunately BW does know about me but does not know we are currently together. What does make me feel better is I have access to his emails, computer, etc. So I do not feel like things are happening behind my back which is what makes me comfortable. Do what is best for you. Does he know you read his emails and so on?... if so the yeah you're situation is very different from mine. Although he tells me differently, I think he hides things, I could be wrong but I don't think so. My MM always has his phone on him. Stuck to his hip in fact Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 How are you feeling today? Any word from him? Is he back in town? Sweetie, I always think that if the woman/girlfriend/wife has to have access to all their partner's stuff (computer, email, phone, etc) there are trust issues. Well, I GET that there are trust issues because of how the relationship started, but in MY eyes, if you are with someone who you have to check up on, feel the need to check up on, etc. Take it one day at a time. Hell, take it one hour at a time. what do you like to do in YOUR free time? Are there girlfriends you can hang out with? I know you probably want to isolate, and that is okay for a bit. But you can't isolate forever. You can't let him take that away from you ~ your activities, your friends, etc. Be true to yourself. Be true to the wonderful woman you are. Don't let him take that away from you. I know you are mourning what you had/what you wanted for the future ~ that is understandable. Just don't let it consume you; don't let it change you. The experience will change you, but know that he was put in your life for a reason ~ just not a lifetime. ((hugs)) Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 When my XH used to visit our son he stayed overnight in the spare room, nothing between us other than we were both parents of our son. He lived some distance away so it was easier for him. However, if my H sprung something like this on me on Christmas Eve it would hurt as it is a special time. It has been some time since he has moved out and you are still a secret from XW is not respecting you. I can understand it might hurt her to know that you were OW, if infact she knows, but he should respect your role in his life and take your feelings into account. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 How are you feeling today? Any word from him? Is he back in town? Sweetie, I always think that if the woman/girlfriend/wife has to have access to all their partner's stuff (computer, email, phone, etc) there are trust issues. Well, I GET that there are trust issues because of how the relationship started, but in MY eyes, if you are with someone who you have to check up on, feel the need to check up on, etc. Take it one day at a time. Hell, take it one hour at a time. what do you like to do in YOUR free time? Are there girlfriends you can hang out with? I know you probably want to isolate, and that is okay for a bit. But you can't isolate forever. You can't let him take that away from you ~ your activities, your friends, etc. Be true to yourself. Be true to the wonderful woman you are. Don't let him take that away from you. I know you are mourning what you had/what you wanted for the future ~ that is understandable. Just don't let it consume you; don't let it change you. The experience will change you, but know that he was put in your life for a reason ~ just not a lifetime. ((hugs)) Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for beautiful kind words. I agree having to check a partners emails, phone, etc set alarm bells with trust. He has tried to contact me numerous time and I have either ignored or responded coldly. Today I broke down a little. He spoke to one of my close friends in passing at our work and she called me straight away. She said 'I really believe he wants to be with you but he's just struggling to go through the D because of his little boy' But she took my side and told him 'you cannot expect to have a R with Crystal then stay the night at your W house for whatever reason' He text me not long after and told me he misses me terribly and asked if we could meet up. I softened in my reply but told him NO I could not meet with him. And you know what? I'm glad I didn't meet with him... I really think I did the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 When my XH used to visit our son he stayed overnight in the spare room, nothing between us other than we were both parents of our son. He lived some distance away so it was easier for him. However, if my H sprung something like this on me on Christmas Eve it would hurt as it is a special time. It has been some time since he has moved out and you are still a secret from XW is not respecting you. I can understand it might hurt her to know that you were OW, if infact she knows, but he should respect your role in his life and take your feelings into account. I could not handle him staying over... There was no reason for it and the way he went about it was very wrong. Your situation seems a little different with distance, etc. But knowing me and the circumstances, he has not done the right thing at all. He needs to tell his W he is D her and get his own place and settle down. Until then I can't do anymore for him Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I could not handle him staying over... There was no reason for it and the way he went about it was very wrong. Your situation seems a little different with distance, etc. But knowing me and the circumstances, he has not done the right thing at all. He needs to tell his W he is D her and get his own place and settle down. Until then I can't do anymore for him I agree with this. The fact that he has kept you a secret and hasn't done anything to make you feel that he has committed to you are big problems. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I could not handle him staying over... There was no reason for it and the way he went about it was very wrong. Your situation seems a little different with distance, etc. But knowing me and the circumstances, he has not done the right thing at all. He needs to tell his W he is D her and get his own place and settle down. Until then I can't do anymore for him Yep...it's like he's tried to keep his M in a weird sort of way....ya know???? My exMM/exBF did the same thing...they were going through D, but his kids were living in his house next door (how convenient) and he was using them to give messages to his ex....God only knows what those messages really were. He said he wanted to keep me a secret still because she might fight for more stuff in the D...ya right...and that is why he could not have me over to his house...bite me...what a liar... Oh ya and he is sucking up bad because I have taken the stand that you have, it's been over a month for me and he is desparate....even using the "M" word where I'm concerned asking me to marry him, but he really can't because his D isn't final ands he wants to do it right....sure and I will receive a million bucks in the mail tomorrow also....jerk... Hang in there and don't give in if you can help it.... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Oh and for the record I have only written him one short email that was direct and to the point...telling him that I told him I was moving on and have, and that I wished him the best and he should do the same.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 30, 2009 Author Share Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) Oh and for the record I have only written him one short email that was direct and to the point...telling him that I told him I was moving on and have, and that I wished him the best and he should do the same.... My MM would not leave me alone today.... texting, calling, it drove me mad to the point where he got so drunk I caved and went and got him. I'm angry at myself for doing that b/c I was starting to feel stronger on my own. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want time apart. Even showed up on my doorstep tonite. Nothing happened. We spoke for about half hour about how sad he was and how pissed off I am and then I sent him on his merry way. Well where I am it's NYE tomorrow night and I am NOT spending it with him. I am going out with my girlfriends. Sick of his s*it at the moment. Edited December 30, 2009 by crystal_lostheart Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Yeah, I think letting him back in too soon will just get you the same results as before. Let him miss you and let him ponder about what he's done and how he has treated you. Maybe it'll sink in. P.S. I like your new avatar pic - it's cute. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Yes he knows that I have access to everything as he gave me all his passcodes over the length of our EMR. I do not check often but can do so if I want/need to. I do agree that if your guy is not set up in his own place he needs to be. I would not live with my sMM, definitely at this point. This is his divorce he needs to work through and he needs to stand on his own two feet and not use me as a crutch. I do disagree that he should be public with you. I so understand your desire for that but trust me that is not the best idea. It will only add more hostility and anger on the BW side of things and if you want a divorce to go through you staying in the background is the best idea. Most divorce lawyers will tell you to keep your dating quiet until the divorce is finalized. Do you feel your guy will divorce if you are not in the picture? Does he know what he wants? Is he in therapy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Yeah, I think letting him back in too soon will just get you the same results as before. Let him miss you and let him ponder about what he's done and how he has treated you. Maybe it'll sink in. P.S. I like your new avatar pic - it's cute. Thanks - I thought I would go for something a little happy and fun!! Yes he has to ponder. He wanted to meet today and I said no. He was upset but to be honest I felt like I did exactly the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Yes he knows that I have access to everything as he gave me all his passcodes over the length of our EMR. I do not check often but can do so if I want/need to. I do agree that if your guy is not set up in his own place he needs to be. I would not live with my sMM, definitely at this point. This is his divorce he needs to work through and he needs to stand on his own two feet and not use me as a crutch. I do disagree that he should be public with you. I so understand your desire for that but trust me that is not the best idea. It will only add more hostility and anger on the BW side of things and if you want a divorce to go through you staying in the background is the best idea. Most divorce lawyers will tell you to keep your dating quiet until the divorce is finalized. Do you feel your guy will divorce if you are not in the picture? Does he know what he wants? Is he in therapy? Will he divorce if I'm not in the picture?? Hmmmm... probably not... I really don't know? He says he wants to be with me but just doesn't know how to go about it.... Therapy - I tried to get him to go, even set up an appointment for him but he didn't go.... He really doesn't help the situation either. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 My MM would not leave me alone today.... texting, calling, it drove me mad to the point where he got so drunk I caved and went and got him. I'm angry at myself for doing that b/c I was starting to feel stronger on my own. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want time apart. Even showed up on my doorstep tonite. Nothing happened. We spoke for about half hour about how sad he was and how pissed off I am and then I sent him on his merry way. Well where I am it's NYE tomorrow night and I am NOT spending it with him. I am going out with my girlfriends. Sick of his s*it at the moment. expect more of the same bad behavior now. he has learned that if he puts himself in a bad place - you will rescue him... this sets the precedence... one he knows how to play. as far as the original sleeping over scenario - he was intending to send a message to his W that they are still a happy family and he wanted to own his rightful place by being in the house with the family for the holiday... a power play of sorts. either way, he wasn't considering YOUR feelings at all when he proposed this scenario to you at that time. don't listen to him when he's been drinking - it's always the alcohol speaking and you'll get nothing but lies and manipulations from those situations... believe me, i speak from experience on that matter. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 1, 2010 Author Share Posted January 1, 2010 expect more of the same bad behavior now. he has learned that if he puts himself in a bad place - you will rescue him... this sets the precedence... one he knows how to play. as far as the original sleeping over scenario - he was intending to send a message to his W that they are still a happy family and he wanted to own his rightful place by being in the house with the family for the holiday... a power play of sorts. either way, he wasn't considering YOUR feelings at all when he proposed this scenario to you at that time. don't listen to him when he's been drinking - it's always the alcohol speaking and you'll get nothing but lies and manipulations from those situations... believe me, i speak from experience on that matter. I told him I can't believe that he had been drinking instead of trying to sort his life out. He is not strong enough and I doubt he ever will be. I know I'm stronger than he is... I know I can get through this... without him Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Share Posted January 1, 2010 I told him I can't believe that he had been drinking instead of trying to sort his life out. He is not strong enough and I doubt he ever will be. I know I'm stronger than he is... I know I can get through this... without him so what are you going to do about it when he calls again with the same scene? Link to post Share on other sites
Author crystal_lostheart Posted January 2, 2010 Author Share Posted January 2, 2010 so what are you going to do about it when he calls again with the same scene? I won't lie... I'm finding it very hard. He did not go out NYE. He went to bed at 11 at his parents house. He has stayed in bed for over a day now. I know because he has called me throughout the day. His mum was there at one stage telling to please get up and have something to eat. He is very down. Didn't even visit his son yesterday. He just feels so torn. I don't know what to do except give him space. I just reply with what is LC when he calls or texts. Eventually he will have to get up and get on with life. It's hard because I worry but I am still just getting on with my life at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 I won't lie... I'm finding it very hard. He did not go out NYE. He went to bed at 11 at his parents house. He has stayed in bed for over a day now. I know because he has called me throughout the day. His mum was there at one stage telling to please get up and have something to eat. He is very down. Didn't even visit his son yesterday. He just feels so torn. I don't know what to do except give him space. I just reply with what is LC when he calls or texts. Eventually he will have to get up and get on with life. It's hard because I worry but I am still just getting on with my life at the moment. this would be easier to move forward if you stopped the communication with him while he is so "torn." poor baby! can you hear the sarcasm? too bad he's not hanging around worried about your feelings and taking care of you instead of everyone else looking after him. this guy is a jerk. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 What a lovely pity party he is throwing for himself. His mother must be at her wits end having to deal with a grown man that can't get out of bed and feed himself. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 this would be easier to move forward if you stopped the communication with him while he is so "torn." poor baby! can you hear the sarcasm? too bad he's not hanging around worried about your feelings and taking care of you instead of everyone else looking after him. this guy is a jerk. I completely agree. A grown man staying in bed and having mommy wait on him and get him food? Gimme a break. Is he that wussy? Isn't strong enough ... for what? To decide what he wants in life? To make a decision? Sounds like he has made his decision -- to be a baby and have people encourage this crappy behavior and for him to pout. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 2, 2010 Share Posted January 2, 2010 Maybe mommy is going to whipe his behind too. Link to post Share on other sites
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