Confused about "friend"

[misscc]

I'm completely confused right now. I met this person at work but he was married and I was separated. We became good friends then he wound up quitting and moved out of state. Hadn't seen or heard from him in months and when his birthday came up I dropped him a line to be nice, okay I was attracted to him. Well, we started talking again. Turned out his wife was leaving him for an old boyfriend. We talked ALOT while they were going through their separation/divorce. We got closer and wound up fooling around, no sex. Then things got weird and he backed off for a while. Don't know if he felt guilty because he wanted to work it out with her still but wound up at my place instead. Quit calling as much and was curt when I would call. So I stopped calling for a while.

 

A couple of months later, I called up just to see how things were going. We had been close before and I was concerned. Yes, we've both admitted having feelings for one another. That's where it gets confusing. Turns out while we weren't talking he met someone and began a thing with her but made it perfectly clear that he didn't want a relationship just wants to play the field and "sow wild oats". Started talking again, at least 2-3 times a day almost every day. Things started progressing to places I had not expected. He began to use terms of endearment with me, telling me he missed me, and "I love you" even slipped out a few times. That freaked me out, so I said "I don't believe you." So he changed it to "I love you as a friend." BUT in reality I wanted him to mean it. Question is did he mean it??

 

Trying to make this long story short...........He comes into town and we wound up having sex. I know, I know, crossed the line and can't go back now. Things had been going good before that, I realize we messed it up. Now, he's totally different. He's backed away again. Funny thing is, it doesn't hurt, I guess I'm just looking for an explanation as to why guy's are like this. We've known each other over 4 years, the sex only happened a couple of weeks ago. I have to admit that I do care for him but I'm not sure how I really feel, as far as wanting more than a friendship. He seems to have a low self esteem, always telling me that I'm falling for him and that he knows that I love him. Sometimes, I think I am falling for him but I can't tell him. He says he's not looking for anything serious right now, so he says.....keep reading. I don't get it. I'm pretty inexperienced with the dating and sex thing. Yes, I was married but brought up in a very strict, religious family. Next question I have: We both admitted being attracted to one another and wanted to do it but does it mean anything or was it just sex? It took us almost 4 years to actually go through with it and now look.

 

Also, lately he's been very short fused with me. Getting mad for no reason and cutting all contact. Why? You're guess is as good as mine. So one week we talk, couple weeks we don't, then the vicious cycle starts all over again. My friends say maybe he was getting attached and since that's not what he wants he's trying to push me away. True?? Or is there something else?

 

He just confuses the hell out of me because he says one thing and does another. For instance, says he doesn't want a girlfriend but then starts talking to this other woman from another state (different than both of us) and says after a couple days that he has feelings for her. I don't get it, is that possible? They've never met in person only spoken over the phone. So he's confused and he can't talk to me right now because he's talking to her. Is that a guy thing? I just want to talk to my friend, I miss our conversations. I have no problem keeping the sex separated from the friendship, evidently he does.

 

So, I called one night to say hi and he says he's on the phone, I'm guessing with the new person. His voice sounded funny and he was acting silly. So I said, "Okay, I'll talk to you later." He's like "No, wait." I say "Why?" and we go round and round, like I said he was acting silly. Obviously he's playing a game and I was having a bad day and just wanted someone to talk to and not mess with my head so I hung up. He calls me back much, much later and says a few disparaging things that upset me even more and I know I shouldn't want to talk to him or be his friend anymore but I do!! I don't know why but even when I try to get over him (and I've done it before), I wind up thinking about him and wanting to talk to him.

 

I have friends that say we're perfect for each other, we complement each other, we look good together, etc. I mean when we met all those years ago, it was like we had known each other for years. I just don't know what to do. I guess, I'm just hurt because I thought we were friends but now that he's gotten what he's wanted it's over. But he won't say it. I just feel like if he doesn't want to be a part of my life, he should tell me. At least not answer the phone if I should make the mistake of calling him but he does answer and will talk to me. Sometimes it's a good conversation and sometimes it's not.

 

Any suggestions?

[mjk]

Hi Misscc,

 

I'm a guy and even though I won't have treated you like that...I think some guys out there will. In relationships there is a time-line, the one between pre-sex and post-sex. Sounds like, and also because you both live in different areas, the "time-line for you has "re-started" from the post-sex point. You might have had sex w/him to soon...

 

In addition to his immaturity, he is not being honest to you. Why guys just want to see? if they can get "laid" or whatever is beyond me. Oh Yeah, when I was 20 y.o. that was VERY important but surely not now!

 

In your quote below you almost explain it to yourself...

 

 

Also, lately he's been very short fused with me. Getting mad for no reason and cutting all contact. Why? You're guess is as good as mine. So one week we talk, couple weeks we don't, then the vicious cycle starts all over again. My friends say maybe he was getting attached and since that's not what he wants he's trying to push me away. True?? Or is there something else?

 

If you read into what he said and/or what happened to you in this quote its easy for someone who is not a part of the "vicious cycle" to see what is going on. HE DOESN'T WANT COMMITMENT. Period. Believe me if he did, he wouldn't be doing the things he's doing right now.

 

I'd say back-off, find someone who will treat you like the person you seem to be and leave it at that. A girl w/values is valuable!

 

It appears that when a person finally gets the big "D" they go crazy. Every thing flys out the window. Things that were important aren't...things that aren't are. So.....let him "sow" his wild oats. Then, let him "reap" what he sows!

 

Good Luck!

[EnigmaXOXO]

I think your friend has made it clear that he isn’t interested in a committed relationship right now. He “wants to play the field” and date several women right now. And yes --- he will probably be having sex with many different partners as well.

 

Can’t blame him, he’s been burned, and now he’s attempting to get over the break-up by enjoying his newfound bachelorhood. As far as the terms of endearment, sure they confused the h*ll out of you because you wanted him to mean it. But the truth is, many people toss around the word “Love” without giving it a second thought. It’s an expression almost as popular as the ‘f’-word which is now used to substitute every noun, adjective and verb in the English language.

 

I don’t think having sex with your friend has actually changed your relationship. At least, not in his mind. To him, you are still just friends. As a matter of fact, he is going to great lengths to make that point very clear to you. The problem is, there are many women out there who have sex with a man naively thinking it will seal the deal and make him beholding to her. Suddenly, after playing her last card, she’s no longer content with just a “friendship” anymore and expects a promise of monogamy…a real committed relationship in return. This will send any happy bachelor running for the hills, while the woman begins to play ‘victim,’ blaming the poor guy for taking advantage of her.

 

The oldest story in the book.

 

I’m not saying that your motives were the same, but I’d be willing to bet this is exactly what he’s afraid of. Perhaps because you had sex, and are now being persistent about trying to contact him, he’s worried that you might have different expectations. This probably explains why he’s been so adamant when informing you about the other woman he’s seeing…just to let you know your night together hasn’t changed your initial relationship or his desire to “just be friends.”

 

I just feel like if he doesn't want to be a part of my life, he should tell me. At least not answer the phone if I should make the mistake of calling him but he does answer and will talk to me. Sometimes it's a good conversation and sometimes it's not.

 

So does he ever take the initiative to call you…Or is it always your dime?

 

Maybe the best thing you could do right now is to give him space and wait until (or if) he contacts you. If its just a friendship he wants, and you feel he is worthy of that, then just be his pal and NOT his f*** buddy. If you can handle the new ‘friends-with-benefits’ concept, then go for it. But don’t expect to ever nail him down, because he won’t respect you or consider you ‘relationship material.’

 

You decide the terms, and adjust your response and behavior accordingly. And whatever you do, don’t make it too easy for him. You are worth some effort and any man worthy of your attention (even friendship) should at least be willing to meet you half way.

 

Toughen up and stay strong!!...And I apologize if I sounded like your mother.