My Wife left after 7 years

[Steadfast]

You'll have an easier time dealing with the frustration if you remember that she may not know herself. Very often the wayward spouse will give the standard 'I don't know' when asked for some clarity. Deep down they may know what they want, but for how long? The weak of character are easily swayed. And while it's true that women do tend to base decisions on how they're feeling right then, it isn't fair to say this behavior is strictly limited to females. Confusion for them makes confusion for everyone. That's a fact.

 

People often act confused when none of their current choices thrill them. In the case of a wayward, a lukewarm commitment from their cheating partner (or any conflict/uncertainty from the person they are attracted to) may motivate them to try and keep all their options open. You are one of those options. She may also worry about what her daughter's long term feelings for her might be, so by 'dropping hints' to you she can justify her actions at a later date. It's called covering one's ass, and it's common.

 

The bottom line is, she's using you. No matter how hard they try to play it off, cheaters focus only on themselves. This is why we are advised to judge by actions, not words. Once you begin doing this with regularity, making decisions becomes easier. Just be sure you don't fall into the same trap-

Edited January 25, 2010 by Steadfast

[tnttim]

Stay on the path enlightened one. You are doing a great job, you sound like a LS vet. Just keep up what your doing, I know you can see it working. NC and LC are very hard to maintain, but just think of it like this: the less you say, the more she has to think. Thinking is good.

 

As for your W, she's fishing without a lure now. She will say and do the craziest sh*t imaginable to get a response from you. She wants to know if you really are giving up on her, I know it sounds crazy. See before she had you under control, and knew what you were doing, that's called power. Now that you are LCing her, she has no clue what your doing, she lost that control, and there's no power in that. Let her stew in the world she created for herself, keep it up......and you'll have the power.

Edited January 25, 2010 by tnttim

[imagine]

I am OK with moving on without her and getting a divorce. My life will end up good no matter what, I have a business and a bar that I can focus more attention on and become very comfortable again financially, and probably meet someone that will love me and my daughter unconditionally.

 

I am however after 5 weeks getting on with my life, and I think she is not OK with that.

 

Which is your priority: Reconciliation or divorce?

[WonderingWhy]

TNT - LC is extremely hard to maintain especially because we need some contact due to our daughter. But it does seem to help, she hasn't acted a whole lot different, but it at least makes me feel better getting on with my life.

 

Imagine - To answer, I would love the life I had before the seperation, I love my W very much. But she would need to prove so so much now I do not think that it would happen ever. So I am done with the hanging on the meaningless actions of her and honestly feel that divorce is the only option now. And I am ok with that. I know I will be a better person for the rest of my life.

 

Steadfast - She certainly does act confused at times. But gone are the days that I will try to make everything better for her. I will not hang on her anymore, beg her etc. So as far as she is concerned I am moving on. And I think this is botering her a little. I do not know how much, but I definately think it is beginning to take its toll on her. And now I am at the point with all of this, that I will not be her personal safety net. I feel that she is just beginning to realize how much different life will be without her family. And thankfully I have already went through some of those emotions and have come to terms with it.

[imagine]

TNT - LC is extremely hard to maintain especially because we need some contact due to our daughter. But it does seem to help, she hasn't acted a whole lot different, but it at least makes me feel better getting on with my life.

 

Consider the possibility of a plan B. Use an intermediary(IM) for all communication. Write her a love letter. Explain that you need to recover and that her calls are a setback. Provide a bar that she has to meet before recovery can take place.

 

Without her intervention you can continue to restore yourself. Socialize. Volunteer. Rebuild yourself through people contact. Let her mull over her own circumstances -do not let them interfere with your lifestyle. All catacts with your daughter can be achieved through the intermediary. Their purpose is to be filter. You must not hear any details of your wife's activities.

 

IM must check whether she meets your standard for recovery.

[WonderingWhy]

Steadfast - an IM is a good idea. I will find someone that is somewhat impartial and go from there.

 

So I just opened a new checking account. Another step in the right direction, I hope. But then I got home, I looked in an old phone that I had for a number I needed, and couldn't help but look through the pictures. Boy was that a mistake. I seen a bunch of pictures of her that I had in the phone. It instantly brought back a bunch of feelings and I wanted to call her so bad. But I refrained, thankfully. I do not want to be that whiny little baby ever again. But I guess there will be good moments and bad. Just hope more good ones than bad are coming.

[WonderingWhy]

Sooooooooooooo confused again. I just seen the W for a little to drop off our daughter so they could go out to eat, and so W could see her. I declined the invitation to go along. We talked quickly about her new place she may be getting, and then although I remained indifferent towards her, I fell apart inside. It sucks, I do not know where o go again. At least this time she dosn't know that, which makes me feel better. I guess somewhere in my heart I want this to work. She didn't show much emotion either, which leads me to believe that she is strong in her stance as well. So I will not make an effort. I have to be honest, just not seeing her made me stronger, and the second I seen her, I crumbled inside again. Although I wish this would work, I do not see it happening, so I guess just suck it up and move on.

[hopesndreams]

Sooooooooooooo confused again. I just seen the W for a little to drop off our daughter so they could go out to eat, and so W could see her. I declined the invitation to go along. We talked quickly about her new place she may be getting, and then although I remained indifferent towards her, I fell apart inside. It sucks, I do not know where o go again. At least this time she dosn't know that, which makes me feel better. I guess somewhere in my heart I want this to work. She didn't show much emotion either, which leads me to believe that she is strong in her stance as well. So I will not make an effort. I have to be honest, just not seeing her made me stronger, and the second I seen her, I crumbled inside again. Although I wish this would work, I do not see it happening, so I guess just suck it up and move on.

 

You should stop seeing her and talking with her. You can go NC even with your daughter. It's not the most popular view but it can be done. Try it so you can clear your head. Keep declining her invites for you to tag along too, to wherever.

[Steadfast]

I know the feeling. I know it...all of it. My ex-wife was the same way. Her affair fog was blinding and her determination was just as strong as mine. But, if you hold on you'll get past it. You will. That crumbling comes from your heart, making all the suggestions to 'be strong, be indifferent' all the much harder. It is your instinct to love her now but you must learn that she does not deserve it. For now, fake it, but remain kind when you do see her. The kindness shows her you are not bitter and full of hate (which is bad for you and unattractive in general) but accepting of the situation and moving on.

 

Which is true, right?

 

This is when confidence and character are built. Part of your problem is love sickness, part damaged ego and perhaps a bit of affection withdraw too. No matter. Adopt, accept and embrace the belief that she is no longer attracted to you. This gives humility. Combine all these together and you've got a man that lost the woman he loves, but survived. In time, you'll meet someone who truly loves you and the 'forging of your spirit' will serve you well. Get real, get right and take 'em one at a time. You're not alone-

Edited January 26, 2010 by Steadfast

[WonderingWhy]

Thank you all..... Last night when she dropped off our daughter very very little was said. She made some comments about stuff I had bought for the house saying that was all stuff I never wanted to do before( shopping for household items, decroations). And this upset her. I didn't show any emotion at all towards her. She asked about the apartment AGAIN, and I told her it was something she should do, because it is the only thing thatwill make her happy. What she dosn't realize is she picked a place out of her price range, and will have no money left for anything. Even getting new things for her new place. Yes well that's not my concern anymore, and it's not my place to point that out to her either. I am good moving on 90% of the time, except when I see her. Then it all comes back. At least now I don't become that begging person anymore, and I think she expects that. Her actions lately almost seem like she is reconsidering everything, but her pride won't allow her to come out and say it. Well her loss I guess. I did send her a text, only 1 after she left asking if she was ok, because she was very upset when she left, I know I shouldn't have done that, but couldn't resist. Her response. I am OK I guess, why weren't you like this before.... No response back, but I know I CAN change and live a better life than ever. And by her making those comments I know I am slowly changing for the better. It just sucks for me, because I know I can not puch recon ever again, and her pride will get in the way of her doing it. I guess just continue the learning process of moving on ALONE.

[tnttim]

It's always hard when you see them no matter how far you have come, we all feel that way, it's okay. Keep up the LC, you are starting to see why it's so important. You are moving on without her, expect to see the deer in headlights reaction frequently now. Just stay strong when she's around, she wants the power back. She'll try to get the power back by playing games with you. She'll say something just to see how you react, remember it's a test. She will be testing you for the next couple of weeks, so pay attention. Good luck, your doing awesome, just keep following our advice, it helps.

[WonderingWhy]

My question is.... Is she doing this because she is second guessing her actions, and possibly wants this to work? Or is it because I am now doing everything that she always wanted, and now moving on? I have feelings towards both aspects. I guess the only thing to do is continue down my path of self improvement, and making a better life for myself.

[floridapad]

It is a painful process to distance yourself from a broken relationship and let them go. But, whether you reconcile or not, one simply must do this. It's a must.

 

 

Steadfast. You couldn't be more right on this. This is the thing that takes time for people to understand (my self included). You have to detach from the old marriage and distance yourself from it in these situations. It is definately a must regardless of the outcome.

[Trimmer]

You should stop seeing her and talking with her. You can go NC even with your daughter. It's not the most popular view but it can be done.

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

Do not do this. The other statements, about not tagging along when you are invited, I'm OK with. Staying in "LC", communicating only issues about and around your daughter's care, I'm OK with. But do NOT go NC with your daughter. This is one area where you still have to be strong and step up to your responsibility as a father - as a parent.

 

I understand the thought process behind this suggestion, and if all that mattered was your own welfare, I could see it, but this is not something that is good, right, fair, beneficial - or even neutral - for your daughter.

 

Your daughter is suffering a loss right now; her world is being ripped apart, too. If you go NC with her as a way to help heal yourself, you are placing responsibility for your feelings and your healing upon her shoulders, whether explicitly or implicitly. And whether she realizes the implications consciously or not, this will just come as another destabilizing blow to her - something she didn't cause, and something she doesn't deserve.

 

As a matter of fact, what she deserves from both of her parents right now is for each of you to take care that you don't lose track of her needs, in being supported through this loss, just as much as you need support in your own. This is the responsibility of a parent, of both parents

 

Now I know, having said 'both parents' may well trigger some to chime in and say "well, what about the transgressions of the mother in this case?" I agree, but I'm talking to the father here. Nothing the mother has done changes or mitigates your individual responsibility to your child - that which you accepted when you chose to be entrusted with a developing human life, dependent upon you.

 

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand and recognize your pain and the loss you are currently dealing with... I don't mean to come down on you, because I know that "NC with your daughter" was not your comment, but I feel passionately about the needs of children in these situations and I needed to speak up against that idea.

 

So how do you handle the LC? When I said "I understand", it's because I've been there myself. I have made a couple of posts over the last couple years on this, so I won't repeat myself in this thread, but check some of my previous diatribes here and here to see my philosophy of dealing with the wife/friend/mother in her different roles, and some ways of seeing her and thinking of her that may help you.

 

Bottom line quick summary: Yes, go NC with the "wife" and "friend", but deal with the "parent" around (and only around) parenting issues. If she asks you if the apartment is a good idea, if you think it's a good idea for your daughter, then comment along those lines, and explain why it would be a good idea for your daughter. If you think it's a bad idea because of finances, and that this might affect your daughter, then explain that it might cause additional turbulence or hardship for your daughter if your wife is not able to afford the place on an ongoing basis. And don't let her pull that back around to whether an "ongoing basis" has any implications regarding your marriage.... "Right now, I'm talking to you parent-to-parent, about what's best for <Daughter>..."

 

You can continue to discuss parental issues - just keep the focus on what your daughter's needs are and what is best for her - but don't get into being your wife's support/sounding board/whipping boy for her personal issues.

 

You can separate these out, and make it work.

 

She asked about the apartment AGAIN, and I told her it was something she should do, because it is the only thing that will make her happy. What she dosn't realize is she picked a place out of her price range, and will have no money left for anything. Even getting new things for her new place. Yes well that's not my concern anymore, and it's not my place to point that out to her either.

I think it was this passage that alerted me to comment on your daughter's well-being. I know you were being civil telling her to do it because it would make her happy, but I probably wouldn't throw her that bone. However, as I said above, if you do think it might be a detriment or an additional disruption in your daughter's life, which could be avoided with some thoughtful advice, then I'd say offer it in that context: have you thought about this, because of how it might affect our daughter?

Edited January 27, 2010 by Trimmer

[WonderingWhy]

Trimmer - Thank you for your well thought out post. I currently have primary custody of my daughter and realize that she needs to see her mother as well. I am concerned with disagreeing with the W in regards to anything right now because even thoug I am moving on nicely, I guess I always hope for a recon. So with the apartment, it seems as if I tell her it is a bad idea, she will only get angry, and that will cause a fight. And fights right now I do not want for several reasons. In my opinion we are not even together, so what's the point in a fight.

 

I am in agreement with LC. Because our daughter deserves only the best from both of us. Wheather we are together or not. NC would make my life a ton easier, and I could make that happen because of custody, but I feel my daughter has lost enough already. She realizes and often says that mommy left. She even said one day to the W, When I am a mommy I will never leave my family, and she is 6.... It breaks my heart to know that she understands all of this. I would consider living miserable to make my daughter have a great life ( all the things I coudn't have) together as a family. The W and I only get one shot at that, and it is slipping away. I wish their was a way to make her see what I am seeing, but I can't. Heck I won't even try anymore because it only leads to more fighting with the W. Just when I think I am doing better, something seems to bring back the memories and cuase distress in my life all over again.

[Steadfast]

I can't speak for "h&d" but I'm fairly certain the suggestion was made that NC could be accomplished despite the daughter being involved. I believe an intermediary was mentioned, with info passing through that person from parent to parent. This, so the BS does not have to talk to his stbx.

 

My question is.... Is she doing this because she is second guessing her actions, and possibly wants this to work? Or is it because I am now doing everything that she always wanted, and now moving on? I have feelings towards both aspects. I guess the only thing to do is continue down my path of self improvement, and making a better life for myself.

 

Part of the process is conditioning yourself to not *think* about what your wife may or may not be thinking. You'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out. Plus, it turns the non-communication aspect against you. The idea, if a reconciliation is possible, is to cause her to wonder what you are thinking. You're giving her too much power and control over you. I know it's hard, but in moments of doubt and weakness tell yourself you don't care what she thinks, where she is, what she's doing or who she's doing it with. It's natural to wonder and even worry, but you must condition your mind. With enough repetition, the heart will eventually follow. She chose this for herself, let her have it.

 

The process isn't easy so don't beat yourself up if you slip. Keep at it until it becomes part of who you are. Give your mind and heart a little breather, OK? It needs it. Remember, you're an equal and just as important-

[Trimmer]

I can't speak for "h&d" but I'm fairly certain the suggestion was made that NC could be accomplished despite the daughter being involved. I believe an intermediary was mentioned, with info passing through that person from parent to parent. This, so the BS does not have to talk to his stbx.

Fair point, although the intermediary was mentioned by a different poster. However, if I reacted too strongly to the literal statement "You can go NC even with your daughter," and if that statement was truly meant to imply: "You can go NC with your wife, even with your daughter involved in the situation..." then I apologize to the poster of that comment.

 

However, I stand by the other points I made about the importance of both parents supporting the daughter in her time of turmoil, the responsibility of them to work together in parenting, and the potential value for the OP to break his view of the wife into her different roles as wife / parent / financial partner / etc. so he can work on fully releasing the wife and friend (at least for now) while still being able to interact with the parent, with careful boundaries consciously placed around those interactions. No, it's not easy, but I can tell you that it worked for me, in a similar scenario.

 

The process isn't easy so don't beat yourself up if you slip. Keep at it until it becomes part of who you are. Give your mind and heart a little breather, OK? It needs it. Remember, you're an equal and just as important-

What? What's just as important? You've got us on the edge of our seats!

 

[ Edited to add: Oh, do you mean "you're an equal and you are just as important?" Clearly I'm not doing a good job of reading between the lines today... ]

[hopesndreams]

Trimmer - Thank you for your well thought out post. I currently have primary custody of my daughter and realize that she needs to see her mother as well. I am concerned with disagreeing with the W in regards to anything right now because even thoug I am moving on nicely, I guess I always hope for a recon. So with the apartment, it seems as if I tell her it is a bad idea, she will only get angry, and that will cause a fight. And fights right now I do not want for several reasons. In my opinion we are not even together, so what's the point in a fight.

 

Stop hoping for a recon. She has been gone 5 weeks. You need to get your life in order, without her, for you and your daughters sake. Your daughter needs her father to be strong, not sad, not hoping against hope. Strong! You are weak with the W. The W smells your weakness. To stand any chance of getting her back, show your strength, move on..without her cheating azz. Only then will she be curious but it won't be enough. Not as long as there is an OM.

 

I am in agreement with LC. Because our daughter deserves only the best from both of us. Wheather we are together or not. NC would make my life a ton easier, and I could make that happen because of custody, but I feel my daughter has lost enough already. She realizes and often says that mommy left. She even said one day to the W, When I am a mommy I will never leave my family, and she is 6.... It breaks my heart to know that she understands all of this. I would consider living miserable to make my daughter have a great life ( all the things I coudn't have) together as a family. The W and I only get one shot at that, and it is slipping away. I wish their was a way to make her see what I am seeing, but I can't. Heck I won't even try anymore because it only leads to more fighting with the W. Just when I think I am doing better, something seems to bring back the memories and cuase distress in my life all over again.

 

You have primary custody right now. She has left her home, her M and her child. She gets to drop by for visits and not have to "fight" with you, you are agreeable to everything, so it seems. Do you honestly believe she is getting an apartment out of her price range and will be struggling to pay rent all on her jacks? Think again. She has left you. She has shown no signs of returning. None. Why? Coz everything, so far, has been on her terms. She suffers not one little bit. Another BIG reason is there is someone else. So, while you are pining away for her (and she knows it), she is busy making plans with another man. She has you fooled and is enjoying her freedom and her perks of such freedom.

 

NC is for you and your daughter, as in, it will make you a strong, capable man and not one being reduced to jelly whenever in the presence of the W. LC in your case, is a cop out right now. Go LC once you get her out of your system.

[tnttim]

You only should be talking about daughter with her. If you can't control yourself then a middle man till you can. LC is very important, I haven't seen one good thing come out of no limit contact.

[WonderingWhy]

Thank youall, I will try to answer some questions, while asking more of my own. I have been ok with the pending divorce for the most part. NC with the W will take place from now on. The only exchanges will be through texts in concern of our daughter and that is it. It is just difficult at times because it dosn't seem like this even bothers her. I think she is putting on a strong front, because at times you can see her emotional, but she usually leaves pretty quickly after she realizes her weakness. That drives me more crazy because I want her to feel bad, at least at times.

 

So NC will be difficult to maintain, because I have moments of weakness. But I do like the idea of, when you feel upset, or want to contact her, keep telling myself that it isn't a good idea, and repeat and repeat. Hopefully that works. When I seem to move on slightly, I get drawn back because she seems to notice that, and that is when she gets sad etc. So focussing on the bad things in our M, and what lead us to this point should help, especially when I want to contact her. It is more difficult than I thought.

 

I guess the recon has to be on her terms, and her terms only. I guess I feel that once she signs a lease, it is all over. And up untill then I have a glimmer of hope. But I guess, I shouldn't care what she does, and that is what I will try to do know going forward. As I am typing this she sent a message about the car registration. I guess I should just ignore it. Herein lies my struggle...... If I respond, it will be letting her know that I am still here for her.. And not responding will be better for me, but will this anger her that I am not responding to something she needs? It is very confusing to me. I guess the old saying "she made her bed, now she must lay in it" applies here. I guess I just shouldn't help her, and make her figure it out. If she gets mad than so be it. Because after all she is the one that left..

 

I need to realize that she created this situation for herself, and that she needs to fix her own problems from here on out. If it pushes her away, well then it pushes her away. She already is gone anyway. I have to save my sanity. My final custody hearing is Feb. 11. And she has no lawyer, I guess I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I am not here to screw her, or block her seeing our daughter, but I guess I have to look out for my, and my daughters best interest. And that is continuing the fight for primary custody. My daughter will not see the nastiness of court, and in the end if she remains with me I know it will be best for her and I.

 

The seperation is easy to come to terms with at times, And yet so very very difficult at other times.

[imagine]

 

I As I am typing this she sent a message about the car registration. I guess I should just ignore it. Herein lies my struggle...... If I respond, it will be letting her know that I am still here for her.. And not responding will be better for me, but will this anger her that I am not responding to something she needs? It is very confusing to me.

 

The whole point of having a Plan B is to spare her from your anger. Separating yourself from her will give her time to think of the positive changes in your life.

 

Revisit Plan B at MB. Look at it as a positive input to your situation and her understanding.

[nobmagnet]

you position is similar to mine. I have primary custody and when i either see him or speak to him i either get a high because I am sooooooooooo over him or i get annoyed at his fat annoying face and what he has done. I decided before new year to get him to e.mail me dates of visitation for the next 6 months so I could plan and also have no reason to speak to him unless its an emergency.

 

My daughter is 6 too and out of the 3 kids she has taken it the worse. Im not sure if its a coincidence or not but evertime she gois to him she clutches me tightly and cries. She looks at him then at me and is so confused where her loyalties are even though i always smile and say "hey you will have fun!!" but she sobbs. Then when she comes home we go the same thing again only the other way round. It sucks.

 

It i could stop him seeing them i would but that would be selfish because even though he was a git to me (and them to be fare) i couldnt/wouldnt stop their relationship with him. Its not my place.

 

Your ex is a selfish git. Imso pleased you daughter has such a stable and loving home life with you. Get your deserting bint of an ex to tell you exactly when she will see your daughter then there will be no need to talk to her at all.

 

As far as the car stuff WTF!!!!!! let her sort it herself you are no longer responsible for her. silly moo!!

 

love Nobby xxx

[tnttim]

if you want a recon, message me, I'll help you, I have the technology. When I separated from W that was my goal, to get her back, I did. A lot of LSers disagree with me in every aspect on my recon, but results are what matters.

[WonderingWhy]

Man o man. I just can't help but doing everything I shouldn't do when I see her. It is almost a fight everytime. And I know that it is not a good thing. But it seems impossible to avoid. I want her to feel some form of loss, and really think about what she is doing before it is too late. And I know in my heart nothing I say will change her mind. But stupid me seems to try anyway. I hate the feeling of helplessness when I am around her. I don't think it has hit her all of the possible consequenses of her actions yet. And once she signs a lease it is all too late then. She will have a new place, and a new life. I guess the possibilities once that happens are all gone. Man this sucks.

[Steadfast]

 

I want her to feel some form of loss, and really think about what she is doing before it is too late. And I know in my heart nothing I say will change her mind. But stupid me seems to try anyway.

 

 

At the risk of repeating the aforementioned suggestions, I'd say you've got a touch of control-itis. She knows. She knows what she's doing and what she's done. Do you expect changes in yourself to come overnight? It takes time. Give it time, OK? You're hampering the process by getting in the way. Nature, in its own good time will take care of the rest. Worry about you and the child.

 

 

And once she signs a lease it is all too late then.

 

 

For what? A recon? If a marriage and a child didn't stop her from having an affair, a silly lease won't keep her from coming home if she -and you- are willing. Have you asked yourself why you want someone who doesn't want you?