My Wife left after 7 years

[Passion4Life]

Man o man. I just can't help but doing everything I shouldn't do when I see her. It is almost a fight everytime. And I know that it is not a good thing. But it seems impossible to avoid. I want her to feel some form of loss, and really think about what she is doing before it is too late. And I know in my heart nothing I say will change her mind. But stupid me seems to try anyway. I hate the feeling of helplessness when I am around her. I don't think it has hit her all of the possible consequenses of her actions yet. And once she signs a lease it is all too late then. She will have a new place, and a new life. I guess the possibilities once that happens are all gone. Man this sucks.

 

WonderingWhy , i have followed ur posts & so far u have been dealing with the situation perfectly . I see ur point when u say that its ur wife who left so she should be the one to initiate any action for reconcillation as u urself tried enough initially , however I still believe that chances of possible reconcillation should not be wasted just because ur wife in her confused & messed up mind couldn't make the small move that she was rightly supposed to .

u & ur wife need to have some postive , honest & hopeful discussions without any sort of fight or arguments or pride , before u finally decide to let it go.

 

Best of luck

[Passion4Life]

At the risk of repeating the aforementioned suggestions, I'd say you've got a touch of control-itis. She knows. She knows what she's doing and what she's done. Do you expect changes in yourself to come overnight? It takes time. Give it time, OK? You're hampering the process by getting in the way. Nature, in its own good time will take care of the rest. Worry about you and the child.

 

 

 

For what? A recon? If a marriage and a child didn't stop her from having an affair, a silly lease won't keep her from coming home if she -and you- are willing. Have you asked yourself why you want someone who doesn't want you?

 

well i think just for once she still neeeds to say it clearly that she doesn't want him, so far she's been giving mixed signals

[WonderingWhy]

Steadfast- I do feel that control has been an issue over the past 2-3 weeks. It felt like life was slipping away, and I did every bone headed move to regain traction. Well I did now, on my own. I am in couseling to deal with some coping issues etc. But overall I think I will be better at the end of this. Or at least I hope.

 

Passion - Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. It suddenly made more sense to me. Since she has left I have let my pride get in the way of her making real efforts to come back home. I did mess that up, badly. And when I say I will not let her come back home etc,etc,etc, I am doing that basically out of anger. Because when you are angry at people it is easier to leave them alone. I do not want that forever, I know I will have to be in contact with her to some degree for the rest of my life. I know I would never want to be around anyone for the rest of my life that I was always angry at. I also agree that a honest, non pressuring discussions going forward will help cope. No talk about the tattered marriage, NO talk about getting back together, And definately NO talk about each others current personal life. Just talking like you would with a friend you see sometimes. That one post did bring a form of surrealness over me. Thank you.

 

I know there will be many more times in my life, that pride will get in the way of productiveness. I at least now know that pride is the reason I am no longer with my wife......

[tnttim]

here is a song lyric for you

 

I turn my head to the East, I don't see nobody by my side

I turn my head to the West, still nobody in sight

So I turn my head to the North, swallow that pill, that thing called pride

The old me's dead and gone, but the new me will be alright

Owe, I've been traveling down this road too long

Just trying to find my way back home

The old me's dead and gone, dead and gone

Edited January 29, 2010 by tnttim

[Steadfast]

 

I know there will be many more times in my life, that pride will get in the way of productiveness. I at least now know that pride is the reason I am no longer with my wife......

 

 

I strongly disagree.

 

While it is a good and healthy endeavor to self-examine and try to better one's self (regardless of martial status) if perfection was required to remain married, everyone would be divorced. If we use your reasoning, how do you explain the women who remain with husbands who continually degrade their wives, cheat on them, live selfishly or even subject them to physical abuse? Why aren't they first on the divorce docket?

 

You may have and certainly did contribute to the problems in your marriage, but no amount of pride would cause a wife to fall spread eagle on another man's lap. That was a decision she not only planned, implemented and eventually made, but one that was certainly kept from you for a certain amount of time. If it was your fault, why didn't she tell you before hand? 'WonderingWhy, I'm going out tonight and having sex with someone else. You just stay here at home and think about that!'

 

Don't take that bullet and don't let her or anyone else suggest you take the blame for that. That's hers. Don't take on her problems. Just your own.

 

It seems to me you are carrying a double burden as well. Since you post with continuing doubts and confessions of weakness, I'd suggest your frustration isn't solely limited to the demise of your marriage, but also the guilt and depression you feel for not 'meeting specs' for a possible recon.

 

The problem with the 'Homer' deal is it doesn't address the problems of the cheater. I'm not a woman, but 'studding up' with a supply of Alpha hormones to lure the wayward back only cleans the dirt from the wound. The cause of the betrayal remains. If that cause is truly the fault of the spouse, then our current system of laws and courts is no longer needed. We won't punish the offender, we'll just hang the person they blame.

[WonderingWhy]

Steadfast - I do agree that at times I do take on more than I should. I do feel guilty for not making the recon work. I am slowly trying to deal with that and insecurities as a whole right now. I need to focus little or no attention toward the W right now. If she does things such as cheat or get an apartment she can't afford, or go on many shopping sprees, that she can't afford, or give up her family and possibly seeing her daughter every day, well than so be it. I can't make her or anyone realize the consequences of their actions before they suffer them. That is what I have tried to do with her up intill now, and well it hasn't worked. I just knew if an affair or whatever became physical, or she gets involved with another guy I wouldn't be able to get past that. Well I will just have to cross that bridge when or if I get to it. But for now I guess the ONLY thing I can do is focus on my future. It is easier said than done though.......

[Passion4Life]

Steadfast - I do agree that at times I do take on more than I should. I do feel guilty for not making the recon work. I am slowly trying to deal with that and insecurities as a whole right now. I need to focus little or no attention toward the W right now. If she does things such as cheat or get an apartment she can't afford, or go on many shopping sprees, that she can't afford, or give up her family and possibly seeing her daughter every day, well than so be it. I can't make her or anyone realize the consequences of their actions before they suffer them. That is what I have tried to do with her up intill now, and well it hasn't worked. I just knew if an affair or whatever became physical, or she gets involved with another guy I wouldn't be able to get past that. Well I will just have to cross that bridge when or if I get to it. But for now I guess the ONLY thing I can do is focus on my future. It is easier said than done though.......

 

I know sometimes its just action that speaks not words but just curious has ur wife said it clearly to u that she does not want to work it out ?

[WonderingWhy]

Passion - She has said that she feels we need to get a divorce. And she dosn't see a way it could work between us.

[Passion4Life]

Passion - She has said that she feels we need to get a divorce. And she dosn't see a way it could work between us.

 

well actually from ur previous posts I thought she's still unsure and u are being indifferent , as u said something about ur pride not letting her make real efforts & u getting sort of angry at her etc .

 

But as u said now she made herself clear , u too should start working on urself . I dont know if it would helpful if u tell her everything that disappointed u or u thought was unfair , without any fights or confrontations so that she can look at her actions as clearly as u see it . & then go completely NC with her . I already see a postive change in ur confidence level so keep it up . enjoy life to the fullest.

 

best of luck

[WonderingWhy]

So something quick.... Advice would be good. I seen today that the W sent a couple pics via email to this new guy. I should not have access to her email so she never erased any messages. The pics were all innocent looking but needless to say I was pissed. Mainly because she lied again, and during our attempt to recon, she lied. So I am pissed. I also talked to my lawyer today, he said to not allow extended visitaion with my daughter, and that it looks as if full custody will be the most likely outcome for me during the custody hearing. That made me happy.. Anyway back to ths guy, I called her dumbass, she came clean. I know I shouldn't have called but i did. So her response was, crying, she is now worried I will have custody of my daughter, and she now realized how bad this could possibly be for her. The problem is now I do NOT care anymore how hurt she is. She did say the recon is impossible and she will be alone. But she called about 5-6 times today..... So my questions are WTF should I do, just keep ignoring her? Is the finally the beginning of her downfall. I ahve to say I have a smile knowing that she is now sad. It is sellfish, I know but man it feels good to know her life isn't all peaches and cream. I would love her to come back and it isn't possible now. I have much anger, and she says it isn't possible. But now she is the one living in fear about her future...

 

I know the advice will be differing but I feel now is the important time and to let her go now so she can realize the mistakes she made. Is this the right course of action?

[2sunny]

ignore her.

 

she has stated she wants the divorce - but she still wants to dump all her crap on you - don't let her - a great reason to to be in touch with her at all.

[Passion4Life]

So something quick.... Advice would be good. I seen today that the W sent a couple pics via email to this new guy. I should not have access to her email so she never erased any messages. The pics were all innocent looking but needless to say I was pissed. Mainly because she lied again, and during our attempt to recon, she lied. So I am pissed. I also talked to my lawyer today, he said to not allow extended visitaion with my daughter, and that it looks as if full custody will be the most likely outcome for me during the custody hearing. That made me happy.. Anyway back to ths guy, I called her dumbass, she came clean. I know I shouldn't have called but i did. So her response was, crying, she is now worried I will have custody of my daughter, and she now realized how bad this could possibly be for her. The problem is now I do NOT care anymore how hurt she is. She did say the recon is impossible and she will be alone. But she called about 5-6 times today..... So my questions are WTF should I do, just keep ignoring her? Is the finally the beginning of her downfall. I ahve to say I have a smile knowing that she is now sad. It is sellfish, I know but man it feels good to know her life isn't all peaches and cream. I would love her to come back and it isn't possible now. I have much anger, and she says it isn't possible. But now she is the one living in fear about her future...

 

I know the advice will be differing but I feel now is the important time and to let her go now so she can realize the mistakes she made. Is this the right course of action?

 

" her reponse was crying....." so did she tell u what exactly was she crying about ? i really would not take her crying any seriously as it seems just an attempt to look like a victim , while not doing any thing at all to try to work out .

u r not being selfish at all if u dont care she is sad or happy because she still appears to be ruthlessly indifferent to u . Be strong & as detached as possible so that u can keep up ur spirits .

 

btw what were her 5-6 calls all about ?

[Steadfast]

I know it's a mass generalization, but the fact is few women leave their husband's unless there's a romantic interest waiting in the wings. Men are different; they will impulsively sleep with/sex a woman with absolutely no intention of leaving their wives or divorcing them. Again, on (overwhelming) average a woman will plan and scheme, waiting for the opportunity to drop the hammer. Once their respect for you and your union has drifted that far, the decision has long since been made and the romantic 'in love' feeling for the husband has vanished. Be advised however, these decisions are easier to make while taking advantage of the securities that both you and your marriage has provided. A reliable, new car delivers them to their sex liaison better than the bus, and 'happiness' is easier to grasp on a full stomach. It's unfair, but that's how it is. This includes love sick men-cheaters too.

 

Got it now? She's having an affair. Deal with it.

 

It's good that you recognize 'talking' to her is going in one ear and out the other. Again, she knows, but you're there to give her the security that 'it'll be all right'. That's what she wants to hear. It's the cake-eater's logic.

 

I know it's hard, but resist the temptation to feel joy at her suffering. That's a trap. A good friend of mine once told me 'Look, just be nice. No matter what. Just take the high road. You'll be better off in the long run'. That simple advice was by far the best, most effective method of self- healing and presented a solid, stable foundation for not only me, but my kids. I never talk bad about their mom, nor does she run my life. Nope.

 

Try it. Then try it some more. Pretty soon, it becomes who you are and you'll feel better. Sleep will come easier, food will taste good again and you'll be a better dad, son, friend and...person. What she does, she does.

 

True survival and moving on has to be mixed with love. It's the only way.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Steadfast

[WonderingWhy]

OK....How did I get here. So over the weekend my W was oh so sad(apparently) she even said, I will come home.... WTF... Like she is doing me a favor. I said no, she then ask if I will sign Divorce papers, like a minute after she said she will come home. I said, How can you ask about divorce 2 seconds after saying you will come home. She said she will do it too make me happy and that she's confused. I don't ****in care anymore. All she does is anger me all the time. She lies, and hides things, and isn't sure if this could work, but she will come home? I don't understand it at all. I just wish she would just move 5,000 miles away and leave me and my daughter alone....

 

I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I just cannot be happy without her when she is so involved in our lives yet. I want my daughter to be a big part of her mother's life, but it is getting in the way of me moving on. It Sucks. Trying to do the right thing gets you nowhere.

[Steadfast]

 

OK....How did I get here. So over the weekend my W was oh so sad(apparently) she even said, I will come home.... WTF... Like she is doing me a favor. I said no, she then ask if I will sign Divorce papers, like a minute after she said she will come home. I said, How can you ask about divorce 2 seconds after saying you will come home. She said she will do it too make me happy and that she's confused. I don't ****in care anymore. All she does is anger me all the time. She lies, and hides things, and isn't sure if this could work, but she will come home? I don't understand it at all. I just wish she would just move 5,000 miles away and leave me and my daughter alone....

 

 

Ok, so your confused, angry and frustrated. Congratulations! That means your normal and believe it or not, someday you'll see most of this clearly after the fog clears and you've gained a measure of understanding.

 

It's unlikely she'll move away and even more unlikely you'll be able to cut communication because of your daughter. She knows that...the little one is her avenue into your life and you 'owe' it to her to let her in whenever she pleases. Her erratic behavior is an attempt to gain control. First, it's appealing to your love (move back) and when that doesn't work it's time for intimidation (divorce papers) and finally, guilt ('trying to make you happy'). She's hunting for control because it's slipping away, but she isn't very good at it because she's distracted by the affair. You're causing her problems by not acting the way she anticipated. That's good. Really good!

 

I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I just cannot be happy without her when she is so involved in our lives yet. I want my daughter to be a big part of her mother's life, but it is getting in the way of me moving on. It Sucks. Trying to do the right thing gets you nowhere.

 

 

Yes it will. Don't give up now! You can't see it, but 'doing the right thing' (which in your case it standing firm, not groveling and no longer tolerating this aspect in your marriage) is bringing her out of her affair fog and forcing her to face the consequences of her actions. And she isn't ready.

 

For now, set up a visitation schedule and stick with it. If you are forced, tell her exactly what you're telling us; that you are sick and tired of the games, hiding, cheating, lying and most of all, sick of what this is doing to you and your daughter. Calmly -but firmly- explain that you will not be part of a marriage where your wife is involved with another man. It is her choice to decide if she will be faithful to you and work on your marriage from this point on, and your choice to decide if you want her back to try.

 

We never regret what we don't say. Control and strength is attractive-

[WonderingWhy]

So does anyone have any advice on how to deal with the times you want too call, or text, or anything. It always just leads to an argument because I always want her to know what she lost. I did see her this morning for taxes, and was proud of myself, didn't say a word really. And when we left, I just got in my car and left. NO conversation. She seemed nervous, figity, etc, but seemed happy. Is her world crumbling too? I don't know how it isn't, she has only seen her daughter once in the past 7 days. I even invited her to Family Mass last night for our daughter's school. She didn't come, she blamed me for not telling her etc etc. I told her as soon as I knew. WTF isn't a parent supposed to drop everything for their childeren at least? So that ended the night in an argument because I was pissed that she couldn't make it. I just want to know some others advice on how to not contact her during those moments of anger, resentment, and weakness.

[nobmagnet]

The best way is to rant on here. I promice you mate. Whe summot happens that annoys me with Lowly i get so upset and cheesed of on my kids behalf it is scary. Post here. VENT remember she is not worth it as she wouldnt even see the pain if you inserted it her own bum.

 

I have only lost my temper with Lowly one thro this whole sorry mess and i regretted it badly he couldnt see his behaiviour before he left he aint going to now. We just have to accept they are losers and make up for it IMO

 

Hugs

 

Nobby xx

[Butterflair]

You can't force her to see what she lost, show up at school events or even care about anything. You have to let that go and focus on yourself every day. Be proud that you saw her and didn't discuss anything. Unless you have to discuss the children or the settlement, there really isn't any reason to call or text. Of course she is going to blame you for everything, that's the way it goes, they can't take responsibility for themselves.

 

The best you can do for school/children events is to send an email or maybe a text regarding the event. Then you have it in writing that you did inform them. Always follow up an phone call about such event with an email.

 

Last, what good does it do to contact her when you're angry? It only makes you feel better to be able to say it out loud. Try writing her a letter, get everything out you need to say, then don't send it. Put it away or keep it in notebook. You'll find that just by getting the thoughts out of your head, it helps to ease the anger and hurt. Later when you feel better, you can shred the letters and truly let go. I've done that before in the past, it helps.

[Trimmer]

You can't force her to see what she lost, show up at school events or even care about anything. You have to let that go and focus on yourself every day. Be proud that you saw her and didn't discuss anything. Unless you have to discuss the children or the settlement, there really isn't any reason to call or text.

I very much agree. As long as you are trying to get some satisfaction or closure on getting her to see what she lost, etc., then you are making yourself dependent on something you do not control. And if you are pulling against something you don't control, you will get pulled back.

 

On the other hand, as much as you can truly let her go, allow her to have her own life, and concentrate on your own healing, then you are focusing your life on something that you control, and in doing this, you are in the driver's seat for moving yourself forward.

 

Again, go back and re-read my stuff about treating her as different characters. You have to accept that your "wife" is gone, and other than cut-and-dried separation/settlement/divorce issues, there's nothing to talk about unless she's ready to come to the table. On the other hand, when you are talking about "parent" issues, leave all the spouse stuff aside and refuse to let that be dragged back in.

 

I know it's hard, but it can help... Remember, you're doing this both for you and for your daughter.

[WonderingWhy]

So today my daughter was scheduled for an MRI, which my wife showed up for late as usual. My daughter then ask me to come in the room with her and for the W to stay in the waiting room. I know this bothered her. When I seen her today, I didn't say a word about anything. She then text maybe abut 5-6 times today. I didn't respond to any of them at all. Then she came to pick up my daughter to take her to Girl Scouts, and she asked, why I was different, didn't respond to her today, etc. I said nothing at all. Then she called to ask about a bill she already knew about. I said the same thing as I did last week, then she said why are you doing this. Why is she doing this. It helps me to not say a word to her, and she is now the one who wants answers from me. Well they are answers I can't/don't want to give. It is easier to just avoid confrantation. I hope I can keep this up, it is difficult but I am just tired of all of it. Seriously tired, physically, and emotionally. I would love to be a family again, but it is harder to maintain the arguments she wants. So I am taking control of my actions, I hope. And now it's time to let her wonder.

Edited February 3, 2010 by WonderingWhy

[tnttim]

your doing great, NC is hard, especially when they push for it. You got her thinking and that's the whole point. Just keep it up and expect the unexpected from her.

[leima]

Dear WonderingWhy,

 

I think it's hard for anyone in your current position to not understand what is going on with your wife. I think a lot of women who gets married after a year or so of dating and then having a child, gets something similar to a "mid-life" crisis. We start to question the things in our life i.e. "what if I didn't marry him?" "what am I doing with my life?" "am I really happy?" etc.

 

Please give her time and space to understand and sort though her own feelings.

 

I'm not sure if there is an OM or not but please don't trail her. Let her open up herself to you when she's ready.

[WonderingWhy]

I now just hate her. I don't know if this is healthy or not. Or if it is one step closer to indifference? Not sure, but I cannot stand even the thought of her anymore, and how she is hurting my daughter by not calling anymore to say goodnight to her etc. I wish she would move across the country and just take an exit from our lives.