Cohabiting and not married, been together for 11 years now.

[Nynn]

Hi there, I'm new as you can see! And taking advice and starting my own thread.

 

I've been with my SO for 11 years now and we have 2 kids, 3 years old and 1 year old. Up until about a year ago I was completely fine with not getting married and I didn't think it was something I needed. I really didn't see how it would change anything at all. So that worked well for us as we were of like mind.

 

However... about a year ago I started getting really emotional seeing wedding ceremonies in movies and thinking how beautiful and romantic it is to take that ultimate step of commitment to each other. And I started getting sad thinking that I would never experience that. We went to my cousin's wedding in the summer and to my shock I was jealous!! My little sister has been talking about how her BF wants to get married and I'm feeling jealousy towards her which is really upsetting me.

 

I've tried to see what my reasons are exactly for wanting to get married. It's not for our relationship itself, which I know to be very strong and we are very open with each other. Rather for the little things that would come with being married... having his last name, being able to call him my husband rather than my partner or boyfriend... so that he, myself and and our kids all have the same name. I want to be his 'wife' and not his eternal girlfriend.

 

I've asked him and he has said he doesn't want to... maybe in 10 years... I'm 30 now. I know his parents had a horrid divorce - could that be the reason? My parents had a horrid divorce too... I thought I didn't want marriage but I obviously do and as time goes by I feel more and more strongly about it.

 

I don't even know what I'm asking of you all... to give me hope? give me a reality check? Have you been in my shoes and what did you do?

 

I'm wondering if I should pursue this and follow what I want in my heart, but I'm wondering if I should try to accept things as they are.

 

He says it won't change anything to be married and he hates the town hall and doesn't want his name on any lists. But is that excuses? It's the one topic I find hard to talk to him about. I bring it up now and then but it's always quickly dismissed

 

We are legally cohabiting and we own a house together which we bought last year. We've been living together for 9 years.

 

thanks for any insight you can give.

Edited December 27, 2009 by Nynn
adding a bit

[pureveritas]

I know for me it's the "legally bound" part that scares the s#@! outta me. Granted I was married BEFORE, so I have that experience.

Has he gone through a divorce? That would explain a lot if he has.

[Nynn]

Hi there, thanks for answering. No he hasn't gone through a divorce. We met when we were 18 and I've just turned 30. He's 29.

[aerogurl87]

Maybe he's seen some bad examples of friends or family members who've gotten married and say they are miserable. I know my boyfriend says that's one of the reasons he's reluctant to marry. All his buddies from high school are married and say that either their wife bitches at them constantly or withholds sex to control them and he doesn't want that. So maybe that's part of it. Another thing is that you claimed you were happy with living together before and not being married, so he's probably gotten comfy with that idea too. Now you've changed your mind and he hasn't which you can't really blame him for. If he's set in that he never wants to marry you, I highly doubt he will at this point. Doesn't mean he won't stay with you, but it does mean he won't be in any hurry to sign that piece of paper that legally bounds you to one another.

[Golfilla]

Maybe he's seen some bad examples of friends or family members who've gotten married and say they are miserable. I know my boyfriend says that's one of the reasons he's reluctant to marry. All his buddies from high school are married and say that either their wife bitches at them constantly or withholds sex to control them and he doesn't want that. So maybe that's part of it. Another thing is that you claimed you were happy with living together before and not being married, so he's probably gotten comfy with that idea too. Now you've changed your mind and he hasn't which you can't really blame him for. If he's set in that he never wants to marry you, I highly doubt he will at this point. Doesn't mean he won't stay with you, but it does mean he won't be in any hurry to sign that piece of paper that legally bounds you to one another.

 

This post pretty much nails most of the reasons for avoiding marriage, and personally I can't see any reason to sign the contract either. Think about it, if you already have a great relationship, why sign a legal document that invites the Government to have a say in it? The two of you are getting along just fine without them. Besides, if you take a look at the divorce rate these days, you'll realise that marriage is no guarantee of commitment. I tend to think that people who can stay together without being 'legally bound' are more committed than those who require a legal document telling them they should.

 

If you're really worried about missing out on the little things that go with being married, the good news is that you can do them all without getting married anyway. You can legally change your name without getting married, you can call your partner any name you like (assuming he's OK with it), you can get joint bank accounts without being married (again, assuming he also wants a joint bank account, and that condition applies even if you do get married), you can write him into your will without marrying him, you can throw an extravagent party without signing a marriage contract -- have I missed anything?

 

Ultimately, you need to decide how important the idea of getting married is to you. But remember, if he doesn't want to get married, you're probably not going to change his mind, so if the marriage ceremony really is that important, you may need to choose between your SO and the marriage ceremony.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Golfilla
typo.

[norajane]

Do you need the marriage license, the town hall, the official marriage?

 

Or do you need the ceremony, the dress, the ring, the families, the vows to each other? You can have that without the legal marriage license. A commitment ceremony doesn't have to be legal.

 

The other thing to consider is some places have common-law marriage. I don't know where you are and if that exists in your location, but people who live together as though they are married for a certain number of years, actually are considered common-law married. Look into it. You may already be married under the eyes of the law. And if you already are in a common-law marriage, then your bf really has no excuse not to officially marry you.

[Nynn]

My thanks to you who have taken the time to read and answer my thread. It's helped a lot reading your answers and put some perspective on my whole 'situation'.

 

I do think that my SO really doesn't want to get married. I have a lot of thinking to do and I really don't want to be selfish and see only what I want. I think I will sound contradicting when I say that I don't think that being married would make our relationship any less real than it is. After all, we own a house and have 2 kids together, so as far as 'contracts' to each other go, we've got our fair share already.

 

As some of you have pointed out, I might be able to have those 'extra' things without the actual marriage, although I would be lying if I said I didn't want a small intimate wedding ceremony with my family and friends.... saying that though, I'd be happy to do it just the two of us as well.

 

He has told me that he considers me to be his wife even though we don't have that official paper, and he was surprised that I didn't consider him to be my husband. I think this also stems from the fact that until recently I was completely happy to be cohabiting.

 

I'm going to look in to the law. We are legally cohabiting, which affects our tax and I am offically 'dependant' on him as I'm not working right now. He has declared paternity of the kids, so they have his last name. Basically I think that we do have everything as if we were married except a few things.

 

Sorry if I've been rambling. It helps a great deal to get this out and talk to you all about it. I've read a lot of posts here about a lot of different things and I can see this site has helped a lot of people.

 

Any further responses would be, of course, very welcome!!

 

Thanks again

[Alimac]

Call me old-fashioned, but I too wanted to marry my SO of 7 years some day and I waited many years for that proposal that has yet to arrive. But that said, if you feel in your heart that you truly want to be married, and not just the dream of the perfect event of a wedding, then you should settle for nothing less. You can't allow others to down-play the importance to you that marriage will hold. However, if you love this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you should evaluate the benefits of cohabitating over the legality of marriage. It's hard to have kids that don't share your last name, to be called the wife even though you have no bond that says so. And he says "maybe in 10 years," honestly what does he anticipate to happen a decade from now? This is 100% up to you and, though difficult now, I have faith that you will make the right choices

[olderbutnotwiser]

I see you read my post. For me the excuses I get every time I bring it up are really bothering me. The love is there and the commitment is already there but I want the name. I want my daughter to stop telling people that my mommy has different last name than her and her sisters. I want to stop seeing my child playing barbie's and pretending it's mine and her father wedding ceremony. I want to stop correcting teacher's that call me by my daughter's last name. And just like you when I do the taxes I realize what is lost financially from not being married. Every aspect of our lives are lived as a married couple. Even the people he works with think that we are married. And like you his and my parents have gone through ugly divorces. I never thought that would be an issue but with me I really think it has to do with the marriage examples he sees and even though he doesn't say it I think it scares the hell out of him. But the thing with me is that he has told me he wants to get married to me but it was so long ago I have to dismiss it bc he has not acted upon it 11 years later. I don't know what to tell you what advice to give you. I can just offer insight into my experience with the situation. I don't want to leave mine at all but at the same time I don't want to be walked on bc I can't have what I want but he can with no compromise. So it just leaves me constantly wondering and I can't stand it. But the kids are clothed and fed and loved my oldest just doesn't understand why her daddy won't let me have his last name she says it's just mean. I could ramble on with the emotions I feel and need to put out there but I won't; instead I send hugs back to you also.

 

Jenn

[Lionblade]

I see you read my post. For me the excuses I get every time I bring it up are really bothering me. The love is there and the commitment is already there but I want the name. I want my daughter to stop telling people that my mommy has different last name than her and her sisters. I want to stop seeing my child playing barbie's and pretending it's mine and her father wedding ceremony. I want to stop correcting teacher's that call me by my daughter's last name. And just like you when I do the taxes I realize what is lost financially from not being married. Every aspect of our lives are lived as a married couple. Even the people he works with think that we are married. And like you his and my parents have gone through ugly divorces. I never thought that would be an issue but with me I really think it has to do with the marriage examples he sees and even though he doesn't say it I think it scares the hell out of him. But the thing with me is that he has told me he wants to get married to me but it was so long ago I have to dismiss it bc he has not acted upon it 11 years later. I don't know what to tell you what advice to give you. I can just offer insight into my experience with the situation. I don't want to leave mine at all but at the same time I don't want to be walked on bc I can't have what I want but he can with no compromise. So it just leaves me constantly wondering and I can't stand it. But the kids are clothed and fed and loved my oldest just doesn't understand why her daddy won't let me have his last name she says it's just mean. I could ramble on with the emotions I feel and need to put out there but I won't; instead I send hugs back to you also.

 

Jenn

 

You do know that you can change to his last name without being married right?

[Lauriebell82]

You do know that you can change to his last name without being married right?

 

You can?

 

Besides that though, if she did that then he REALLY wouldn't marry her! OP, I think the problem is that he has everything he needs out of marriage without actually having to be married. I'm sure he is scared and that is what his hesistation is. It's permanent. But you do have legal rights, as you are considered common law.

 

In response to his little "I consider you my wife" comment. You should say "No sweetheart, I'm your girlfriend." I think he is wwwwaaayyy to comfy in the fact that he thinks of you as his wife but you really aren't. You need to change that.

[MarcMann]

Maybe he's seen some bad examples of friends or family members who've gotten married and say they are miserable. I know my boyfriend says that's one of the reasons he's reluctant to marry. All his buddies from high school are married and say that either their wife bitches at them constantly or withholds sex to control them and he doesn't want that. So maybe that's part of it.

 

Yep this is what used to scare me from not getting married. A lot of my buddies would tell me about how they didn't like their marriage or heard of some unlucky guy who got married. Which made me believe that getting married would result in being unhappy.

 

But then I realized that's just one side of the story. What about the people that have great marriages? I'm sure there are happy marriages out there.

 

And thinking about it that way. I'm not scared of the idea of getting married anymore. In fact, I think marriage would be great. It's just that so many guys and gals choose to listen to the unhappy people and take their advice about marriage.

 

And that's like taking advice about how to handle your money from someone who is broke.

 

I agree with Lauriebell82. He has gotten comfortable with the idea of thinking you are already in some type of marriage relationship.

 

Have you told him why you feel it's important for you to get married? Not just asking him about marriage. But actually told him.