Low self-esteem and relationships - For GUYS

[leap83]

Hi all,

 

I'm looking for some input to help me understand the correlation between a low self-esteem and a relationship. I understand this for the most part in women, since the Hollywood has really gotten far when it comes to women's bodies, make-up, etc. However, I'm having a hard time understanding this in men.

 

Let's say you were in a damaging relationship with a girl for 5 years. For some reason, you didn't leave her and kept going back to her.

 

1. What specifically needs to occur in this relationship to damage a guy's self-esteem so much so that it hits the rock bottom (ie. you cannot accept compliments and when people do compliment you, most of the time you don't believe them; you are *scared* to compliment them back - let's say you find a woman attractive but you never say "You look beautiful"; you believe your life is **** and everyone else has it better than you; you don't believe anyone would ever fall in love with you; etc)?

 

2. Could this also connect to the family issues (lets say your family always thought you were useless so you had low self-esteem before you met this girl and then this girl comes along and just completely demolishes whatever dignity you have left)?

 

3. Is it possible to "heal" from this and if so, how do you affirm this individual that they're actually a good person? Would actions matter more than words?

 

4. Does this demolish trust when it comes to people close to them?

 

5. Is low self-esteem correlated with anxiety and worrying?

 

6. Would you sabotage a new relationship because of your fears? Why would you do this?

_____________________________________________________________

 

I have many questions - I know. I've had low self-esteem before but never to that extent and I'm a female so I kind of get it. When it comes to men though I'm having a hard time understanding this and I would appreciate ANY input you may have to help me understand how men view this and cope with it. Thank you.

[survivor18]

I have had low self esteem since i was a child which led to panic, anxiety, and a variety off other unpleasant conditions. Most of this was created during my childhood due to improper parenting...too long to get into and sad. The problem is a person ends up carrying this into their adult years and it often becomes worse as years go by. It affects every single aspect of a persons life especially relationships. Often people become anti social because they believe that they are worthless and that nobody could possibly enjoy there company much less love them.

 

I used to think and sometimes still do" How could somebody possibly love me because i am a nobody. I hate myself so how could anybody else possibly love me." Low self esteem caused me to have neg thoughts which led to more and more of the same. I felt like I was carrying a moon of negativity on my shoulders and i was. I felt everyone was so much better than me and of course more loveable. It destroyed my marriage and ruined so many happy times. My wife had an affair and left me and really much of this was caused by my esteem issues.

 

The good news is it can get better. I have come a long long way in a rather short period of time. I did see a councillor a few times but i do not take medication...the biggest help for myself was when i realized that i was ill...the way i thought was actually warped and it was not my fault.

Once i realized that i said to myself "Ok what i think about myself cannot be trusted because i am viewing myself through the clouded glasses of low self esteem and depression". Then i got to work improving myself. I started talking to others in the same situation which made me feel so much better and started walking and eating better. Slowly but surely i have progressed in a positive direction. Every little step i made increased my self esteem and made me want to make bigger steps...sometimes i do take a step back but i believe that comes with recovery.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I'm a women but I'm dealing with low SE issues on the advice of my counsellor (still on wait list for counselling, but intial assessments). She recommened a book to me called "overcoming low self esteem" by Melaine Fennel. It's good, it is cognitive behavioral therapy, tired and trusted medical method of tackling the problem. I still have a long way to go, but it's definately helping.

 

Could I also just say to survivor18, your low se did not cause your xw to have an affair, the only person who did that was HER! She had choices if she was unahppy in your marriage, an affair is never excusable. Besides, my guess is (and that's all it is as I don't know you or your story), if you suffer with low se like me you probably put everyone else first and try to please all the time, how then can you be at fault for your w leaving? Please stop blaming yourself.

[somedude81]

One thing you don't understand leap83 is usually the guys with low self-esteem don't even get in relationships in the first place. If they do manage to get in a relationship with a girl, she'd most likely dump or cheat on him after a short time.

 

Most women are actually repelled by men with low self-esteem which actually causes the mans confidence to drop since he's not able to attract anybody in the first place.

 

Low self confidence does make it more difficult to give compliments to women it also makes it much harder to start a relationship because women are not interested and not giving out signs of interest and even if she was the guy may not notice them because he thinks it's not possible that a girl will like him. That means he will most likely not ask girls out because he's already convinced himself that he will get rejected so why should he bother.

 

It's a dangerous downward slope. One that women will never understand. Their relationship issues are different.

 

BTW if it wasn't obvious I am speaking from experience.

[leap83]

Thank you for your replies.

 

somedude: Not the case when it comes to a friend of mine. He was in a long term relationship with a girl for a pretty long time and when he came out of it, he came out looking the way I described him in a paragraph. Now, this could be a consequence of a broken heart on top of everything else, but there is no doubt in my mind that his self-esteem hit the rock bottom. I mean, he's working on it; he's doing a very good job at *hiding* it - however, all of this comes out when he's talking with people very close to him. It's hard to ignore and sometimes annoying. No, I don't think he is annoying but whatever I say to him or show him that he's not that type of person, he just doesn't accept it and on we go in circles. That's a self-esteem issue - not a broken heart issue. Right now, I'm not in contact with him as we're both busy but knowing how patient I can actually be, I would like to try and show him that he's not the person he views himself to be. I don't want to *help* him because he never asked for that, but to subtly show him that what he sees is not what others see.

 

LisaUK: Sorry to hear about your self-esteem issues. I guess if I were having issues I would take a look at the book but it's my friend and giving him a book to read with that title will make him angry. Hah.

 

Survivor18: You wife didn't leave you because of your self-esteem issues. She knew about them when she married you. She left you because she's an idiot and didn't appreciate what she had. I believe you shouldn't blame yourself for that.

[survivor18]

Ty leap for your comment...I totally adored my wife and hopefully someday she will look back and realize what she had. But at the same time my self esteem issues caused me to push her away quite often which really wasn't fair to her...I did explain this to her but that was not enough i guess...I do not blame myself as at that time i really didn't realize i had issues. I really feel for your friend because it is so devastating to live like that. You just feel like a useless piece of garbage so you keep pushing people away because you feel it is inevitable they will not like you and leave your life...you really want people in your life yet don't feel worthy so create exactly what you don't want by pushing them away. It is very strange but so true.

[Ro2Pi]

I've always had low SE for as long as I can remember. On top my exgf just dumped me because she said the confidence I presented at the beginning of the relationship was fading. Long story short it's a terrible slippery slope and right now the slope is becoming less steep but it still hurts. But a counselor does help tremendously and they're a fresh set of eyes on your life. I wish I could go back... but it does get expensive.

In response to your questions leap83 can I answer them out of order?

 

2. I was a shy kid and when my parents (rarely) offered to do things like baseball or learn to swim it only took a standard "I don't wannnnnnnnt toooooo" and nervousness to cancel the whole deal. They never motivated me and told me I did a great job. I was also very good at music and still love it today but they never showed up to any of our school concerts or the solos I got to play in. (Who wouldn't want to hear the epic solo from the Harlem Globetrotters song?)... Plus they got divorced which is another long story.

 

1. I never had much self confidence to begin with until I found a girl who I thought I had a really good chance to be with. So I swept together whatever confidence I did have and that was the main reason she fell in love with me... Too bad attitudes never change unless you address them. So I fell back into old habits and two years later I'm single again.

 

... But something specific to occur to dmg self-esteem? Hmm. When a lot of effort had gone into something and was totally under-appreciated. or... If you give her the big O in bed she doesn't want to return the favor? ... you asked specifically. There's a series of events that can lead to the drop in self esteem but it could be one big one too.

 

The only confidence I have that can't be shaken no matter what is my love for math/physics and ability to teach it to others.

 

3. I'm having a tough time healing. But again the counselor helped a lot to sort out my past. But you can only heal if you know:

WHY you're not confident.

WHAT are the triggers causing negativity which adds to low SE.

A list of qualities or quirks (doesn't have to be outstanding) that you have and are proud of (and not ashamed of). Physical and psychological.

Another list of some ideas on how to change your life.

 

4. To those who you enjoyed talking to the trust is most definitely gone with respect to your ex or whoever. But maybe not in other aspects (ie. sports).

 

5. Yes, low SE has been shown to correlate with anxiety/worrying.

 

6. No. I would never sabotage a new friendship or love life because of the problems that I have. I consider it as an amazing opportunity actually raise my SE which would make me very happy... Commitment in a relationship may take some warming up to but if it feels right then that won't stop me either.

 

Sorry my response is so long but you had some good questions.

Edited January 7, 2010 by Ro2Pi

[NickP]

Hey guys, you guys rly do seem to know what you're talking bout,.. so I hope you may be able to give me your perspective on things.

 

I got out of a 3 year relationship 2 years ago, because my ex had cheated on me. I was single and recovered well from it, and my confidence was boosted when my ex tried to get back together with me, but I refused because I couldn't trust her. I had many chances to go out with girls, but only finally chose to be with a girl I had met just once, and then spent 6 months on the phone with, and finally met her again and was together with her throughout the summer. We only officially started going out in June 09 (though I met her in Dec 08) and had a good summer together.

 

I wont lie and say first of all that during that summer, things were "honeymoon". we never had that stage.. There were many fights, sometimes due to my insecurities because she could be hiding things from me, etc. We went on long distance after just 3 months from Sept 09 until Dec 09. During that time, things got bad. We fought about many things.. But every step of the way I tried to make things better. Fighting over the phone was hard.. but I still felt that we could make things work if we're in the same country, and we will be from Feb 10. When we met again for Dec holidays in Dec 09 though, things once again were plagued with fights, with some of them public.

 

So as you can see, things weren't what we imagined it to be. I think my confidence has taken a huge dent.. Sometimes she insults me and I take it.. trying to remember the times when she didn't say such hurtful things, so that it makes myself feel better. We've had good days, at times we'd confess how much we both still love each other, such as even 2 days ago. But every so often, I feel that though I'm ok and happy, she isn't. She likes to complain that the country she's in isnt the right one for her. she literally "doesnt like everyone's faces".. she hates her parents.. and she's even told me she "doesnt like me" or the fact that Im coming back to be in the same country with her from Feb 10. I know that she was probably mad when she said this (just few hours ago), but I dint' get upset and just sorta listened to her troubles to try and just let her "vent". But she hasn't apologised for saying hurtful things against me, neither do i think she is going to.

 

So, I don't know if I have low se to the point that I am willing to take this kind of behaviour towards me... sometimes i try and try, but feels she's just fed up of me and her life and wants a huge change. She wants to travel to another country to live, but doesn't say anything bout me following her or anything like that, which I find a weird thing to say to the one you love without thinking about how you might want them to come with you. Or am i expecting too much?

 

She says she's happy. Just yesterday she says she isn't unhappy bout "us".. but about everything else in her life. But today she says she "doesnt like me" or "the fact that im coming back in Feb10"... so I really don't know what to do..

 

Im in university with exams in a couple of weeks, n this is eating my mind constantly! I feel like I have to be there for her in some way. But do I feel that way because of low se? Why do I not feel that my exam is a priority no matter what? I mean I do care about her.. but these are my final exams.. So I'm just worrying a lot.. (a symptom of low se it seems?)

 

Thanks. Any response is appreciated.

And apologies for the lengthy LENGTHY post...

[Howitzer]

Hey NickP, I'd really, really recommend making your exams a priority. You can afford to put your relationship troubles on hold for a few weeks. You really don't want to waste an entire semester's worth of effort. I speak from experience. I couldn't finish my last semester at school, so I ended up having to do some administrative things to get my semester to be an excused incompletion.