Spoke too Soon!

[skywriter]

HazyHead,

 

I feel the same way towards myself as you said in your previous post.

 

I am resposible as an adult for my choices, therefore I am directing my frustrations at myself. I am the only one I can control, and I have to desire better for myself, set my standards higher for myself and settle for no less.

 

Learning this lesson rather late in life, but that's ok.

 

You just keep hanging in there Hazy, sounds as if you're in the midst of the hardest days now, but you're making great strides towards the easier/better days.

[stampdaddy]

At times I feel mad, Im not sure if it's at him, or myself or just the situation, and then I think about him, or (and this is self-destructive I know) I think of his smile or his laugh or something else and I'm sad again. It's a roller-coaster of emotions. Like it always has been with him I suppose.

 

Weirdly, I have no hard feelings towards him. That surprises me but I feel I let myself get into this really. I never asked for this pain, obviously, but I knew the risk. And I know the risk if I go back there.

 

I am not saying be "mad at him, find fault with him"... I am also not saying that you "feel sorry for him"..

 

What I am saying is that you, me, him, and just about every Poster that you see here doesnt know what we are getting into, and once we are into it, we can't get out of this horrible vortex, UNTIL WE CHOOSE TO

 

This isnt about feeling anything about anybody else BUT YOU!!!! PROTECT YOURSELF. Make good, wise, safe decisions for yourself, and hanging on to this is NOT a good decision. See, there IS this very thin gray area of hope and belief that "we are different, we will make it" that is killing you, and it has almost literally killed me.. To be perfectly honest, I am VERY surprised that I am still alive after all of this, I really, truly am...

 

Just find a way to say: "I do NOT want an affair, and that is what I have, an AFFAIR. You can not spin it any other way, that is exactly what you have, an AFFAIR" and you dont want that, right????

[Hazyhead]

Thank you. I'll keep thinking of those better/easier days SW. At the moment the better days I visualise have him in them, and that's what I'm trying to move away from because you're right SD, I don't want that. I don't want to be in love with a man who's married to someone else and all I have is the affair. I need more. I am choosing 'out' of this, but I see that thin veil of hope you mention, I can't help but still be lured by it. It's just finding the strength to turn my back on it which I thought I was doing, but these last couple of days have shown me how easy it is to slip back into the temptation.

 

But it's a choice, like you say. I can't choose something that's not enough.

 

Again, thank you. Your help is invaluable.

[norajane]

I've sent it. I logged in, got it written, deleted his and logged out. That was hard in itself not to dwell on his messages, trying to find hidden meanings like I used to.

 

I now feel like I'm back at square one. The pain is relentless.

 

Can you now block his email address so you don't see any more email from him? Or set up a filter so anything he might email is immediately deleted? You've come a long way...can you take one more step and block him out?

[Hazyhead]

I went to do that earlier, but just couldn't press that button.

 

I'll do it.

 

Right... Just did it. I went into my trashcan and blocked him.

 

God, now I feel awful.

[skywriter]

No, no, Hazy, you feel awful now, but with time, the awful feeling should become a feeling of relief. Relief because you don't have to feel anxious

anymore.

 

I imagine, like myself, your emotions have been on the rollercoaster. That feeling is hell and knowing that there's a means to an end provides me with some relief. I just keep saying, "gotta get to the other side".

[stampdaddy]

I went to do that earlier, but just couldn't press that button.

 

I'll do it.

 

Right... Just did it. I went into my trashcan and blocked him.

 

God, now I feel awful.

 

STOP STOP STOP looking at it like "what you are doing to him"!! You have to look at this for "what you are doing for YOURSELF".

 

OK, here it is. He isnt going anywhere, Hazy. he is still there (and I am not talking about there with his wife, although he is), but he is still there in the sense that IF he doesnt want the AFFAIR either, he wont, and he will EITHER get divorced, OR HE WONT. And odds are, he won't, UNLESS he chooses the AFFAIR and you bite, cause you will, then all Hell breaks loose and he gets divorced because his wife divorces the cheating loser and then what do you have? A trainwreck that you have NO IDEA how awful and ugly you will feel then.... THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU WANT.

 

He is there, where is he? THERE, with his MARRIAGE, and until he is not, you shouldnt be either. Trust me please!! My God, just think about how HEALTHY you will be, to start a new year fresh and clean and HAPPY... "Moving on" doesnt mean "f*ck you MM, I hope you rot in hell!!". It means, "that you will take steps, forward steps FOR YOU" to be happy and healthy.. IS THIS HEALTHY??? ARE YOU HAPPY???

 

and on that note, that's all I got for ya.... I am here til Thursday, try the veal....

 

HUGS

Edited December 28, 2009 by stampdaddy

[Hazyhead]

I feel bad in lots of ways. For myself as much as him as it's like the final blow and I didn't think that would come from me. I also feel the loss again so right now, no I'm not happy. I hope that I will be soon though.

 

I know I've done the right thing and thank you for encouraging me to do it. It's weird to lose the expectation of communication - I can see why it would feel like a relief. I can't wait until it does for me too.

[stampdaddy]

I feel bad in lots of ways. For myself as much as him as it's like the final blow and I didn't think that would come from me. I also feel the loss again so right now, no I'm not happy. I hope that I will be soon though.

 

I know I've done the right thing and thank you for encouraging me to do it. It's weird to lose the expectation of communication - I can see why it would feel like a relief. I can't wait until it does for me too.

 

Trust me, I get it.. STILL to this day, I "anticipate" the call.. And at certain times of the day, LIKE RIGHT THIS F*CKING SECOND, I feel the intense Anxiety within me, and I hate it... I know the phone isnt going to ring, and I don't want it to. And it won't.. I know that! But still, something within me causes this anxiety that is killing me (literally killing me with the hypertension in my heart)..

 

YOU HAVE TO MAKE A SOILD CHOICE AND STICK TO IT TODAY!!!!!

[jj33]

jj - I get what you are saying but the thing is with that is by him doing so he gives me my fix too - and as much as I love him (I know, I still do though) I don't want to have my fix. I'd made progress, a little tiny bit, sure, but still progress, and now I'm back to the start again, knowing and trying not to think about how he's doing. I won't contact him after this, I think that would make it worse.

 

Of course it gives you a fix - he counts on that - on dragging you back in against your better judgement. Its hard but see it for what it is and dont communicate with him. Silence is your best weapon in defending your heart, even if it doesnt feel that way.

[Hazyhead]

I might tell myself that yes, I've taken these steps and I've made my choice, but I don't think I completely believe myself yet. I want to and I'll work on it, but I think I'll still have that 'maybe today will be the day' tiny hopeless little thought in my head. I'm so sorry that you still feel that pain SD. I think you're making the right decision to take yourself out of this forum in that sense - to move on for yourself, because otherise I can imagine that you go over it vicariously as people share their stories. Sometimes that gives me strength and sometimes I think 'damn' and my heart sinks because he's gone.

 

I will work towards waking up and him not even being a part of my thought processes.

[skywriter]

I understand both you Hazy and you too Stampdaddy. I'm going through this with you both as well.

 

My phone rang Saturday night, I didn't answer, he left a mssg that I haven't deleted yet.

 

It may well ring again today, I won't pick up. He really doesn't give a damn and I know this, he won't call too many more times.

 

See...I know this man well enough to know that he wants me to stroke his ego by chasing him. Sorry...he chose the wrong woman for that.

 

I've told him in the past, I don't chase anyone, particularly someone who isn't willing to chase me back.

[jennie-jennie]

jj - I get what you are saying but the thing is with that is by him doing so he gives me my fix too - and as much as I love him (I know, I still do though) I don't want to have my fix. I'd made progress, a little tiny bit, sure, but still progress, and now I'm back to the start again, knowing and trying not to think about how he's doing. I won't contact him after this, I think that would make it worse.

 

Jennie - thank you for the hugs. I don't know how you do it, go back to the affair after moving towards yourself. I can't go back there. He had told me that he was finished with his marriage and started making plans (he was more keen on this than me - for me it felt a little rushed) to be with me full time. I can't go back to the affair - it's not enough.

 

Hazy, you are giving me too much credit. We had decided on 3 months NC, so I was just counting down the time. All that happened to me was that I fell into a depressed state, hurting like hell. Once we got in contact again, I was very unstable mentally. It took me a week to find my balance again.

 

I never moved away from him during NC. I have never had a wish to do so. I know he loves me, I have never questioned that. I don't want our relationship to end. Now after NC I know even more what he means to me.

[norajane]

I went to do that earlier, but just couldn't press that button.

 

I'll do it.

 

Right... Just did it. I went into my trashcan and blocked him.

 

God, now I feel awful.

 

Consider it as you TAKING CONTROL over your life, and taking your power back.

 

Bravo - that was a hard step to take, but yes, it will feel like a huge relief because you are not at the mercy of your email.

[OW_WS]

They're right, they're all right HazyHead. EA MM and I had our first NC 5 years ago. I started it. I never blocked his email address but refreshed like mad to see what he had to say about my lengthy, minced, teary, goodbye letter. I don't remember the exact words in his email but he acknowledged NC and agreed. And I remained refreshing. A few months later, maybe a year, refreshing email several times an hour looking for his name was like breathing, part of my life when he broke NC, I don't recall how, a few words, I was all over it, it was like we never parted, like I had refreshed and found another missive just moments before. Responded, we started again (online EA) and went on for half a year and then I caved, it was killing us and went to NC. Which, you guessed it, we never reinforced and I never blocked him all over and it was on again within short. Forcefully this once, we changed our lives and D our partners of then. And then he left, NC for months, maybe over a year this time, and then I caved in a blog post "Don't ever give up on anything you can't stop thinking about for even a day". He said something silly like asked if that was about us or smoking and bam! We were on again. It ended 4 months ago. I still refresh like mad and read his public FB, I know he reads mine. It's not NC, just an agonizing way of not being together.

 

You don't want that, you have a real chance to do it right and not turn yours into a tale of forever lasting impossible love that will only torment you. Don't let it grow worse and worse, cut the addiction while you can.

 

Good luck.

[Hazyhead]

I went to bed last night, a fair while earlier than usual because I was just emotionally exhausted, and the tears came and woudn't stop for so long. I felt lost because there was no 'maybe he will' anymore for the first time in so so long. There was no feeling at this point of doiong the right thing. But then, just as I was settling again a thought popped into my head that I'd wake up the next morning freed from waiting to hear from him and yes so much of that is sad right now but I actually felt a weight lift. For a second I looked forward to waking up myself as if refreshed.

 

This morning things fall again. I wake up to a voicemail message on my mobile phone. I have blocked his mobile number but he had called me from some other phone - a number I didn't recognise. It wasn't too long as message. He said he was sorry for messing me around and it was because he was struggling to let me go. But he knew he had to for both our sakes. Hearing his voice crushed me and then at the end of the message he drops in that he will not contact me again... BUT he will be at one of the spots that we used to meet at this afternoon for a little 'thinking time' and if I wanted to meet to talk... and then he left the rest blank!!!

 

There is no way I can turn up to where he is today! Yes, a HUGE part of me wants to, wants to see him and I'll be honest wants to hold him, but what good would that do?!

 

I'm bewildered by it right now. I'm sitting here in my office staring. This message has taken so long to write.

 

I just want control of my life again like nora-jane said. I don't want years to pass OW. I want to be free of this pain.

[temple]

I went to bed last night, a fair while earlier than usual because I was just emotionally exhausted, and the tears came and woudn't stop for so long. I felt lost because there was no 'maybe he will' anymore for the first time in so so long. There was no feeling at this point of doiong the right thing. But then, just as I was settling again a thought popped into my head that I'd wake up the next morning freed from waiting to hear from him and yes so much of that is sad right now but I actually felt a weight lift. For a second I looked forward to waking up myself as if refreshed.

 

This morning things fall again. I wake up to a voicemail message on my mobile phone. I have blocked his mobile number but he had called me from some other phone - a number I didn't recognise. It wasn't too long as message. He said he was sorry for messing me around and it was because he was struggling to let me go. But he knew he had to for both our sakes. Hearing his voice crushed me and then at the end of the message he drops in that he will not contact me again... BUT he will be at one of the spots that we used to meet at this afternoon for a little 'thinking time' and if I wanted to meet to talk... and then he left the rest blank!!!

 

There is no way I can turn up to where he is today! Yes, a HUGE part of me wants to, wants to see him and I'll be honest wants to hold him, but what good would that do?!

 

I'm bewildered by it right now. I'm sitting here in my office staring. This message has taken so long to write.

 

I just want control of my life again like nora-jane said. I don't want years to pass OW. I want to be free of this pain.

 

Hazyhead, darling, don't go. Use all your strength to stay AWAY. Let him miss you. Let him pine after you. If he truly does love you, he will get a divorce and come after you as a SINGLE man. Right now he cannot be yours. All he wants from this meeting is for you to cry into his arms and for you to let him rest his head on your shoulder. This will do you no good. At the end of the day he will go home to his wife and you will be lost. And you will feel even WORSE than if you had just not gone.

 

Be strong, there are so many of us in similar situations. We're all being played. We all want to believe that our man is 'different'. But the reality is, they're all the same. Keep us in the loop if you need further support

[Hazyhead]

Thanks Temple. I'm not going to go even though my entire body aches for him. I'm sitting here trying to work but just staring at a screen thinking about where he'll be. I'm so annoyed with myself because I'd moved a little bit past doing this but he has pulled me right back in again.

 

I know I'll feel worse if I go, I can't imagine how but I'm sure you're right.

[stampdaddy]

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

 

awww go see him in the little park while he feeds the little squirrels and pouts his little face.....

 

Fill your body and soul with "hope" while you watch him walk away, again, and he gets his "fix" and feels better about himself..

 

Wonder whats for dinner tonight over at his house? Let's see... Taco Tuesday? Maybe it is pasta night?

 

Wait.. no, don't go Hazy! It will only mess you up even more. This will give you a chance to prove that you CAN DOI IT! One day at a time, love..

[greengoddess]

sigh it's so obvious. You were an intrusion to his real life during the holidays so he had to go no contact. Now the holidays are over and he wants his extracurricular playtime again. Harsh yes but you need to see the harsh reality to get angry enough to stay away from this man. He is ruining your life and can continue to ruin years if you allow him.

[reboot]

stampdaddy, you've become such an inspiration. You really shouldn't leave here.

[skywriter]

((((Hazy))), whew hoo....How ya doin' about now?

[norajane]

Thanks Temple. I'm not going to go even though my entire body aches for him. I'm sitting here trying to work but just staring at a screen thinking about where he'll be. I'm so annoyed with myself because I'd moved a little bit past doing this but he has pulled me right back in again.

 

I know I'll feel worse if I go, I can't imagine how but I'm sure you're right.

 

Every choice you make to stay away from him is one more step in taking back control over your life. Each choice is empowering and will make you see that you are not at his mercy, but are a strong, capable woman who can change the direction of her life to one that is far more fulfilling.

 

You've seen that with every contact, he pulls you back in. Don't give up your control by letting him push you and pull you whichever way he wants. This is the hard part. This is the hard work you need to do right now so you can build a happier future. Let him do his "thinking" on his own time. It's not in your best interests to meet with him, and you no longer choose to do things that are against your best interests!!

[skywriter]

Awesome post NoraJane!

[Hazyhead]

Hey :-)

 

I didn't go. Of course I didn't go. What I did was quit the idea of churning through some work and took myself off out. Not to him! I went to see a pal who's company got me through the afternoon without too much 'I wonder if he's there' stuff.

 

Thanks to you all. I'm thinking if it wasn't for starting to post on this site I would have been there today weeping and 'pleasehehessse don't leaheheheeeve meeee' whilst he clawed my grasping white-knucked fingers from his jacket. Well... maybe not quite that extreme but I certainly wouldn't have had so much strength as you guys have injected into me.

 

Cheers. Onwards and Upwards. (Or hopefully just not downwards for tonight - one step at a time.)