I'm frustrated by my parents...

[PuggaGirl]

Hi. I've been reading the posts here on the forum and decided to vent and ask for some advice:

 

My parents are in their late 60s. Both are retired and they live a comfortable life. I am an only child (35 years old) and lived at home until I was 21. Six months after I moved out, they moved to another state to enjoy retirement. Either I would go up to visit or they would come down at least once a year. My parents were never social, but I remember they were getting involved in a few social groups and had good neighbors so I didn't worry too much about them. Around 2002 or 2003, my mom had a mini-stroke and things have never been the same. Mom & Dad have both had health issues, but Dad seems to do what is necessary to get himself back on track while Mom will never pursue treatment or question a doctor's advice. If she doesn't like what she hears, she ignores it and just goes about life. This is how she's always been: more concerned about my health and Dad's health but never really wanted to do what was needed for herself. I remember asking her if any relatives have had cancer. She said no. When I asked when she'd had a mammogram or colonoscopy, her reply was "why would I have those things done?". I asked her to do it for me so I'd know if I needed to be worried for my own health and she said "no".

 

I'm not sure if its her health that's caused this, but mom and dad have not left their house for more than a few hours at a time since 2002. They will not travel to see me or even meet me half way. Mom's biggest outing is the grocery store. Its so sad to see 2 people so young acting like they should live in the nursing home. My dad has always gone with the flow so he won't say anything to upset mom. I don't call home often because there is nothing to talk about. When I mention taking baby steps to get out and do something, mom responds with "why would I want to do that?". I mention having neighbors over and that was met with silence and the subject being changed. I don't go up to visit regularly because it is so painful. After the first 30 minutes of how the drive was, how the yard looks, etc, there is nothing to do or say for the remainder of the visit. I don't want to drive 8 hours to just sit and stare at the walls. Oh yeah, they go to bed at 6pm and will not change their schedule for me.

 

I'm sorry this was long and my rambling probably didn't make sense. I just want the best for my parents and I am worried that if something happens to Dad, my Mom is not going to survive. I know I can't change them, but I am so frustrated and would like to have a family I can enjoy. Thanks for listening.

[oxfordsocks]

sounds like you could get some assistance through a seniors agency near you in how to deal with aging parents(sometimes aging isn't just a number)

[TaraMaiden]

You can't make people conform to your ideals, simply because you dislike or disapprove of how they're living.

The kindest thing to do, would be to NOT keep this to yourself, but let them know about your frustration, and get your opinions and feelings out into the open.

declare your concerns, and explain why you're worried.

 

Ageing is a state of mind.

My mother and father are 77 and 88 respectively.

 

However, my mother still goes out in her three-quarter-length trousers and scholl sandals, and cycles everywhere.

She's a reflexologist and does yoga.

My father, on the other hand, is very infirm, and can hardly move, and certainly doesn't without assistance or support.

But his mind is as sharp as a new needle, and he still speaks coherently and holds fascinating discussions with people. He can be a pompous opinionated almighty pain-in-the-@$$, but that's part of the deal, I guess!

 

it sounds to me as if your mother is ageing before her time, and you need to express your concern.

But if they can't/won't listen, or change - then that's the way it is, and you have to practise acceptance.

 

Good luck.

Hugs. I do feel for you.....

[PuggaGirl]

Thanks for the replies. I know I can't change them - they've always been set in their ways and nothing I say or do will change them. I've thought that my mom is depressed and that's very likely the case. The problem is, she would never talk about it or ask for help. Its so very sad because this should be the best years of their life.

 

It helped to vent and get this off of my chest. Thanks for listening.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to come to terms with this for your own sake, and practice acceptance.

 

I would say that the relationship with our parents is one of the most influencing, strongest and perhaps one of the most difficult ones we'll ever have to deal with.

However we feel about them, whatever they feel about us, whether the relationship could be classed as wonderful, good, average, dreadful or disastrous - it colours our lives and conditions us for the future.

Unless of course, we decide it's not going to, and actively lead our own lives, regardless, or inspite of the influences....

It's even possible that in time, as they age, the roles become reversed, and they end up being our responsibility.

Whether that's a joyful or miserable burden to bear, is for every person to decide and live, for themselves.

 

but when we observe two parents to whom, ostensibly, we have been close...'ish'.. and we watch from the sidelines, as they slowly crumble and deteriorate before our eyes, that's a difficult pill to swallow...

 

And that's what makes it all the harder to still be loving, but to detach.

 

I wish you well.

Hopefully, you'll still feel like coming in and updating, as the case might be.