4 weeks and having a bad day

[brownhair]

Hello everyone

 

I really need to get some things off my chest, don't really have anyone to tell it to. That's what happens when your partner cheats and you're still trying to save the relationship. The people I would normally confide in are family and close friends... can't do that now.

 

So I hope to get some response from you and that you take a little time to read my story.

After two miscarriages, one at 3 months and one at 5 months, I felt really bad about myself, very low self-esteem, overweight etc. Having been badly "sown up" after delivery made sex painful and because I generally felt very low and sex was associated with getting pregnant and losing children, I must admit I wasn't much of a sex partner these last two years. Other fysical problems, my father having a stroke and remaining permanently paralysed on one side and having to go to a home - with only me to comfort him - having to clear out his house by myself and deal with his emotional problems really drained me.

 

So there was not much going on in the sex department, some, but as I was to find out later my friend of 5 years needed more than what I was giving and started going to a brothel every now and then.

This may sound weird to some but his great aunt was a prostitute, so it's not so strange to him.

I found about this two years later - a Visa receipt in his trousers - and though I was hurt, I could understand when he said he'd rather go to a brothel than actually cheat on me. But it was very painful anyway.

Just a month later I found out he had also being sleeping with a girlfriend of mine. It was just for the sex they both said, they wanted to experiment and things "just happened". She's married and we still have a social life together, as her husband doesn't know and I'm not sure it would be a good thing to break his heart the way mine has been broken. It's hard to see them together, even though they are both trying hard to console me, I'm always thinking they are still talking about things I'm not supposed to hear etc.

When I confronted them they were in shock, they regretted having hurt me so much and they say they will never do it again. So now all I have to go on is the solemn word of two people I trusted before and left alone in my house together and who have been lying to me for a year or mayby even longer, I don't know what to believe anymore. He says it's only been 3 times but I know for sure it's more, he lies because he doesn't want to hurt me even more and loose me. He also lies about how long he's been going to a brothel - which by the way he kept on doing when he was sleeping with my girlfriend - I know it's been going on for a long time. He says he didn't want to bother me with his needs because I was feeling bad, but sleeping with my friend was taking it a step further I think.

It's been 4 weeks now and I've been in the emotional rollercoaster, sometimes I'm fine and then I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and can't sleep anymore.

My friend is really sorry and is trying his best to talk, help, comfort, assure me etc. He says he only did it for the sex but I'm not the sort of woman who would ever do it "just for the sex" and it's very hard for me to understand how a man can say he loves a woman and then **** around - sorry for this expression but it's the only one that fits for me.

 

He feels really bad and guilty and no good and doesn't understand why I keep on worrying and feeling bad about it all. I tell him that it might be in the past for him but for me it's all very "fresh". The last time - as far as I know, anyway - he slept with that friend was 2 months ago so that's no very much in the past for me.

This all may seem very terrible to some of you, but no, he's not a monster, he has been very selfish and stupid.

It was easier to go to another woman than to confront the pain of losing two children and to try to get me out of my isolation, which I must admit is not easy, because I'm not one to ask for help and it IS difficult to reach me.

What I have learned from all this is that I will talk about what I feel, get it out in the open, instead of silently "stuffing" it all.

 

It is very hard for him to confront all my pain and uncertainty, he doesn't really understand why I'm in so much pain, he wants to start over and says he really loves me. I believe he does but it's very hard for me to understand how he could have done this. Also it's hard to trust him again.

 

I'm sorry if my text is a bit hectic and if my English isn't perfect (not my mothertongue). I'll post again later but I just wanted to get this off my chest...

[Arabess]

I'm going to respond here KNOWING most people will disagree with me.

 

The deal is this.....whereas he did something which was less than thoughtful.....it's not the end of the world. He didn't have an 'affair' with any emotions. He got laid! It really doesn't matter who with or how it happened.

 

Sure, there are all kinds of ethics here as far as promises, in sickness and health, forever faithful.....etc. Sometimes though, things in life go terribly wrong and people respond by making stupid mistakes which really hurt the person they most love. Everything emotionally you two have been thru....probably left him feeling pretty stressed out as well. Friends and family have a tendency to comfort the female...forgetting he too has suffered loss.

 

Men CAN separate 'just sex' from 'love'. I would personally forgive him, forget about it and get on with your life together.

 

You have a whole future together....don't throw it all away over a dumb mistake.

[yes]

I agree with Arabess - **** happens, move on. An emotional affair is hard to forgive, but he just screwed around. Raise enough hell that he's highly demotivated to ever do it again, but then do let it go. Make him get checked for STDs though.

 

I admit it's easy to say this for me, who hasn't been cheated on so far. I hope I feel and think the same if it ever happens to me.

 

good luck!

-yes

[VivianLee]

I'm not perfect, in fact I can be a bad chick but I feel inclined to say that I feel so sorry for you if God forbid you became disabled or miscarried again or whatever. Because apparently while you are alone nursing your pain, your guy will be getting "laid"....something is just wrong with that picture!

[brownhair]

Thank you for replying so kindly without judging.

And yes, I have also thought about the possibility of me becoming disabled and what would happen then - but actually I would understand and even encourage him to find a safe way to have sex with someone else and not be "confined" to celibacy if for some reason sex would be impossible with me.

The real problem for me is that all this was going on behind my back - as it usually is with these things - and that I feel terrible about him lying to me all this time. The loss of trust is the hardest thing, next to the pain of him choosing the easy way out instead of trying to help me. Even though I understand this must have been too confronting for him, because that would have meant talking about his own pain too. He even thought after some time that I didn't want to have sex with HIM, and that maybe that I was having an affair... I guess that's one way to feel less guilty about what he was doing himself...

To anyone who has been through this : could you please tell me something about what you felt and thought ? Because I'm amazed at the terrible things that have gone through my mind - rather Neanderthal feelings I guess - and I hope this can come to rest in the near future, because it's pure hell at times.

My partner feels really bad because I'm so sad at times and he can't understand why since everything is different now and he IS really considerate.

Maybe I should find some good therapist ? Or maybe I have to keep taking to my partner about it ? I just feel I'm repeating myself and discouraging him to be kind to me because he's really trying hard but I'm still feeling very sad or angry sometimes.

So if anyone has any suggestions how to deal with this I'd be grateful.

[brownhair]

And another thing - what with my girlfriend ? We have known each other for 12 years now and have been good friends, but these last two years she was more of a friend to my partner than to me. He confided in her when he found it hard coping with my isolation and depression, and she didn't know how to reach me either so she didn't really bother to find out what was wrong with me or how she could help me. She probably thought my "poor" partner needed some attention, she was bored with her love life even though she loves her husband and wouldn't leave him, so she took the opportunity that was presented to have some "hot" sex. I was "neglecting him and not taking care of him or myself", so she thought she "wasn't doing anything wrong" because "she never planned to steal him away from me". I find it very hard to believe, I know she's very fond of him, he's her "best friend" and they get along "so well" and the sex was so great and she "doesn't want to lose him" etc.

 

They were already talking about going to places where people go to swap partners or to have sex with more partners etc. and my friend even I asked me if I would be interested in a threesome with her (that was before I found out they hadn't waited around for my answer). I told him I would probably feel bad seeing him that way with her, to me sex is something very private and can be made very exciting - I know I'm more than enough for any man when I'm feeling good about myself. I'm glad I had decided to make something of our sexlife again and to lose weight and to feel better about myself BEFORE I found out. I'm sticking to those decisions and actually I've had to slow down a little because my friend had some trouble keeping up with me... He said if sex had been like that these last two years he wouldn't even have had the energy to think about sex with anyone else !

 

My girlfriend probably would never have left her husband and children but I think she was more emotionally involved than she says. She told him that it bothered her that he wouldn't give her a hug or anything after their "wonderful lovemaking" (of which I found a video, that's how I found out +o().

Actually he was feeling guilty afterwards and already dreaded the idea of coming home to me and maybe I'd notice somehow.

He also didn't tell her he was still going to a brothel, so it must all have been very thrilling and romantic for her. Sometimes I think she lives in her own little dreamworld. She even told me a few days after I had found out "I really enjoyed it because he really knows how to please a woman" and didn't understand why I was really upset hearing this from her. "Why can't we all just be friends she says, we never meant any harm, why are you still so hurt ?"

 

I sometimes feel like she's in her puberty somehow even though she has grown up kids.

They both said they missed out somehow in their life because they only had 1 or 2 sex partners, and that was one of the main reasons they couldn't resist the temptation. I hope they have a little more peace now...

 

Anyway, thanks for letting me "vent" here. If any of you have any experience with dealing with the "best friend" who always seems to be the most likely person to end up in bed with your partner... I'd be glad to hear about it !

[reservoirdog1]

Among the guiding principles of trying to fix a marriage/relationship after an affair are:

1) Cheater must terminate all contact with OM/OW. Zero, zip, nada.

2) OM/OW's spouse, if they have one, must be told about the affair. If you're worried about yours straying again, and especially with your "friend", you need her husband on side as your ally. An affair can't really happen if the secret isn't kept. You may feel bad for "wrecking her marriage" by telling her husband, but keep in mind, she's the one who did that. Besides, wouldn't YOU want to know?

 

Best of luck... keep strong...