Desperately need some insight

[singlegirl]

Met the man of my dreams, or so it seemed for 8 weeks. He was warm, appeared emotionally available. He was consistent with calls, dates, time keeping, he cooked cleaned and was extremely loving etc. He had a problem getting an erection, I was patient and understanding. I thought he was vulnerable.. He swept me off my feet with romance and cards expressing love for me, dinners and nights out. One card had a picture of a wedding dress and hands holding a ring. He mentioned kids, marraige and meeting his mum...He told me I was his future. Eventually I felt that I loved him too and wanted what he wanted...One thing that concerned me was that he wouldn't tell me about his past relationships. If I asked him anyhting he said he couldn't remember...I tried to be patient but we spent every night almost together for 10 weeks and still he said very little...

 

I should say the love of my life died in my arms. I explained this to him. I have social anxieties and am seeing a CBT therapist for this...I explained to him that I have anxiety issues and I am fragile..I never hid who I am from him...

 

It so happened that his work life wasn't what he had led me to believe and he is actually out of work and getting welfare. He siddenly ran out of money and then the very next day woke up and was foul tempered and very much changed..it transpired that he has been out of work for a year. He moved once in the 10 weeks we were dating, has no furniture to speak of . He mentioned moving in with me which I never would have allowed so soon. He never took a penny from me which seeemed to suggest he was a good guy just having a bad run of luck...however....

 

Two weeks ago in a few conversations he said he wasn't going to the sex therapist (he had sought) about his erectile dysfunction. he actually lay in bed with me when the appointment should have taken place...He said wasn't sure he even wanted a job as welfare was getting him by...( I work 12 hrs a day and work 6 days a week) He went to his ex friend with benefits home to hang out . Called me at midnight to tell me her husband was working abroad and they had been alone even after I told him I wasn't comfortable with him hanging out with his ex...He then told me she was 15 when he met her on a train and he was 28....I went mad at him, just couldn't get past it. I have a 20yr old daughter. He had arranged to lay her floor ? I went mental and told him he's either comitted to his past or his present!!

 

I went into emotional meltdown as all of this came out around the same two weeks. I blamed myself for getting angry at him...eventually I tried to talk to him but he refused and got out of my bed at 2am and left my home.

 

I refused to take him back as he half heartedly asked a few times the next day... We had no contact for a week, then he dropped me a note and I emailed him...

 

we emailed back and forth and he seemed genuinely sad and in love with me...He came round and we agreed to get back together....

 

He went to his family for christmas. I was miserable. I saw him tonight and he has had a wonderful time. I have been utterly miserable and the anxiety I felt has hit me all Christmas and is still there....He started off tonight quite guarded and listened to me talk. he spoke a bit about his past when I asked him...he told me he has cheated on his ex but told her every time ( they had an open relationship) he told me he slept with another woman when on a 4 day break with another ex...He also said he would like to marry me? I don't want to marry him...I said I was concerned that he had put ideas in my head and then suddenly changed with me....

 

He told me his friends and family laughed at the fact I said he was evasive. He laughed as he told me he explained to them what really got me mad was his ex being 15 when he met her.. he still thinks this is quite amusing in that it upset me so much. I got upset all over again....I didn't see the guy I met tonight though I was with him for 7hrs. we had sex but there was no tenderness, he finished first then told me he didn't like sex with me when I didn't come. I never do because the sex is so bad...There was no emotion coming from him at all

 

I feel so badly about the whole situation. I want to leave him and can't understand why I feel compelled to stay

Edited December 28, 2009 by singlegirl

[singlegirl]

Can no one give me any input?

[thatguy90]

Hi I will try to give you some ...

[thatguy90]

Ok first of all lets get some stuff straighten out.

 

1) Don't talk about ex's unless it is about how good sex is with you, or how much better you are then them. (Some people are different by in my opinion you shouldn't really talk about ex's).

 

2) "Your love of your life died in your arms" If you are able to explain this.

 

3) There is a book called "Re-Inventing your life" By Jeffery Young, it can help you with anxiety issues and letting going issues and different life problems.

 

4) You did not go to christmas with his family?

 

You have to go with NC first of all remove everything that reminds you of him out of your house. If he comes back just tell him you need space and time to go over everything. Because from what you have told me that you are not enjoying the relationship, unless there are different things. He needs to see whats wrong with a 28 dating a 15 year old, other than its against the law to do so. But again go with NC clear your head, tell him you need time to figure things out, because you honestly do need time to think things through. Go out and have a movie night with your daughter, friends or family because you need to have fun.

[singlegirl]

Thanks that guy, I realise talking about exs isn't good and I try not to do it except if it's relevant but he spat out small snippets of weird disjointed information out of nowhere that left me wondering....EG, "When I broke uo with laura she became very hostile"....."Sarah had a lesbian lover which I didn't mind as she provided her with a service I couldn't offer" I met Kathy on a train when she was 15 ( sly grin) I was 28......stuff like this just made me wonder WTF? Who is this guy? So I explained and pressed for answers. I guess i should have walked when i saw these red flags but he seemed so different then, so eager to please....

 

I nursed my boyfriend who died of cancer in my arms. This has left me a little fragile, well very fragile emotionally when it comes to love, letting someone in..I did let this guy in though. I never hid who I am. I never hid my anxieties or my social anxiety. I am working on these issues and he seemed ok with that...

 

I did not go to Christmas with his family because my daughter was coming over to my home. He did call and invite me for Boxing day but it's too far away to visit. I have seen him twice in two weeks almost and we spent every night together at first

 

he said he would call me yesterday and didn't..He dropped my glasses off through my door. part of me wonders if I will ever hear from him again...I did say a lot of stuff about how I felt and looking back it must have come across to him as a barrage of critisism.

 

I will end it today if he ever does contact me...I don't want to see him, I have no respect for him. He still doesn't see a single thing wrong with picking up a schoolgirl on a train aged 15. When he brought it up the other night he told me she was going to school on that train? WTF?

[singlegirl]

BB you are absolutely right and I have never felt the same since he told me that...His excuse is, she is still his "friend", she invited him to her wedding....He made me feel that somehow I had gotten the whole situation all wrong.....She has just moved to our City with her husband. He did go and hang out with her and they were alone while her husband was working abroad. I think the whole thing is bad..I spoke to a couple of male friends about it and they just shrugged their shoulders and said "it happens"...I don't feel that way...I can't get over that....I think my lack of self esteem has let this guy take me this far

 

He just texted me and invited me to town for coffee...The rain is pouring down outside. He has never invited me to town for coffee....He hasn't taken me out for 3 weeks....I really don't know how to respond..i don't know how to get out of this

[stillafool]

How old is your bf now? This guy is content to live on welfare, has ED (or is it he can only get it up for teenagers?), and seems like he does whatever feels good to him at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't have someone else already on the side. He seems to be the type who likes the "honeymoon" stage of relationships and then moves on when the woman starts to find out who he really is. He has probably been doing this his entire life and that's why he doesn't "remember" his past. Be thankful he is moving on as you have not even begun to feel the pain if you stay with this fool.

[Angel1111]

You need to lose this guy. He's just playing games with you right now so that you don't see how desperate he is at the moment. Lots of guys do this stuff where they're very charming in the beginning and then the real person emerges. But they know that once they get a woman hooked, she's very likely to stay. He has lied to you, he has a crappy attitude about work, sex with him is awful, and I can tell you that he doesn't think much of women except that he's going to expect you to be his provider. Your best move is to end it with him, and to not have anymore discussions with him after that.

[TaraMaiden]

Do you feel exhausted and sucked dry by him, every time you're with him?

Does his presence, and do his visits, make you feel uplifted or down hearted?

When you've seen him, do you feel proud, and happy, or do your shoulders droop and feel demoralised?

 

There's your answer.

He's an emotional vampire, bleeding you dry and using you for his own ends.

He's a liar and a flake, and he's messing with you.

 

You have to end this, and soon.

Like -

Now.

[singlegirl]

He just called and the conversation was strained and cold. he went to say goodbye and I said, "this isn't working is it?" his reply "I have had similar thoughts today" So I said it's just hard letting go and he replied well we gave it a shot......I told him to look after himself

 

He once told me that he always had a girlfriend when he was younger and that they usually lasted about 3 months...Guess what, we were together 3 months yesterday to the day......

 

I knew all of the stuff that you guys have said...I opened my heart to this guy who took me on an emotional rolloercoaster but I knew in my heart when he told me about this little girl he wasn't a decent man....he talked to me and convinced me that I was wrong, other guys told me this happens but I don't want this man.....

 

I fell in love with a projected image of a man. he became everyhting I needed and after years of loneliness and anxiety I clung to that mirage even when the man was long gone waiting, hoping he would come back....I know that man doesn't exist and it hurts to let go of the possibility of him but I have done it now.....

 

Thank you all so much for your support, it really makes a huge difference xxx

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, hun.

Now go No Contact, make sire you have nothing of his, he might call you for, and book an appointment at a beauty salon, or better still, a weekend at a spa/health club, for some serious pampering.

 

Do something for you, because you're a lovely lady, with a heart of gold. who deserves to shine on the outside as much as she does on the inside.

good for you for pulling it up and ending it.

That takes chutzpah....

[singlegirl]

He won't call me for anything, he has played out his drama. He had moved on a month ago / I realise why his relationships are 3 months long, 2 to suck you in and 1 to shake you off...I think when I dumped him his ego got bruised and he gained a little respect for me if only temporarily...He thought I wouldn't let him go till he was done with me. I have guessed he is usually the dumper...

 

I told him about my childhood as he asked me something the night before last. I was beaten as a child by my stepfather, abandoned and left to fend for myself in the world by my Mother...I explained to him that I am not the kind of woman to mess emotionally with. He said after that I do want to marry you darling....WTF goes through these people's minds? I said I don't want marraige I just didn't want a relationship with someone who had one foot out of the door.....

 

He knew exactly what effect telling me about that girl would have . I have been played like a fiddle. He is 36 years old?

 

One thing I did do was to articulate everyhting that was happening between us. I told him I saw his fear of commiting to anything. He knows I see right through him so that meant the game is over.I may have my issues, I may doubt myself and have low confidence and saggy boobs but I work 2 jobs, have raised a child...I have little money but I have a decent heart and a good moral code...I think that's not such a bad place to start from

Edited December 29, 2009 by singlegirl

[singlegirl]

Ohh my God what did I do?

 

I got so down on myself that I blamed the whole thing on me? I felt so wretched, so alone and so heartbroken...I emailed him and took the entire blame for the whole relationship ending and for the problems we had....I was truly mental and somehow wracked with guilt?.....I ended the mail by saying I was clearly emotionally not very well and didn't want my issues to cloud his next relationship. I begged him to forgive me

 

I got a reply saying there was nothing to forgive. I am in his opinion a beautiful soul...he feels nothing for me but love, not as a boyfriend but very much as a friend.....

 

I met my friends for New year celebrations and was ok realising that my emotional meltdown was a mix of my own issues in dealing with loss and his behaviour...I could let go because even if it was all my fault I had apologised and if it wasn't he hadn't bothered to respond in a way to share the responsibility ....

 

I just got a text message from him at 6pm, saying wishing us both a good new year, full of health, love and wealth . He asked if we could keep in touch....I have ignored the message....

 

15 minutes later I get a call on the landline and then the mobile....he left a message saying call me I just wanted to hear your voice and wish you a happy new year.....

 

I don't want to call him.....Why is he doing this?

[TaraMaiden]

Because he can.

It's always worked before....

 

He's got you on a long spring, hanging form the ceiling, and every time he feels like it, he yanks you and sets you bouncing to his whim.

See?

And you've played into it, every time, hook line and sinker.

He says 'jump' you ask 'how high?'

So now you're not responding, he's getting anxious...

"Hell-oooo....she's never not jumped before.... what's going on? I'll keep trying until I get a result....."

 

Read my no Contact (Caliguy) guide, and eat, sleep, breathe, drink,walk, swim and fly it.

Let it be your credo from now on.

And never, ever fall for these tactics again!

[singlegirl]

Thank you.....I am left absolutely broken emotionally by this experience...The lack of feedback and refusal to communicate from him has me questioning my perception of reality ....I keep swinging between devaluing him and blaming myself. I have thought because of this black and white thinking that in the last couple of weeks that I may have Borderline Personality disorder and even told him that in my last pathetic email....He said that I didn't and if I did then so what?

 

What I remember is when I met this man 3 months ago I was happy and together emotionally even though I had problems socialising. I opened myself right up to him and told him of my social anxieties.. I was lonely and vulnerable and I told him I was fragile...I told him my boyfriend had died and I needed someone who would be mindful of this in dealing with me...He seemed wonderful for 8 weeks though he exibited some weird/cold reactions to me and couldn't have sex properly. he did have a problem communicating and refused to tell me about his past relationships. I really am not sure at this point how we got here. I tried to talk to him of my feelings and that's where it went so wrong....

 

One thing I know is that I got the terrible feeling that there was something very wrong and I couldn't shake it off so I left him...

 

I don't know how I can start to rebuild myself after going through all of these intense emotions. I am spending so much time alone as I am of work for a while. I havent any very close friends who drop by

[TaraMaiden]

.....I am left absolutely broken emotionally by this experience...

 

You'll be very glad to know, it's not irreparable.

 

The lack of feedback and refusal to communicate from him has me questioning my perception of reality ....

 

Aaaah! Now that's my kind of talk...'perception' and 'reality'....

"Perception is often Deception.".....

 

Reality, doesn't exist.

ask 7 bystanders to recount the events of an incident they all witnessed, and you'll get 7 different versions of the same event.

They all saw the same things, but due to their own perception, interpretation and conclusions, they'll tarnish, elaborate, omit, inject and compose a response in keeping with what they believe is a true and honest account..... )this is what makes police investigations so difficult!)

 

so you - you have the basic, standard events composing and creating the situation you find yourself in, but your own agendas, issues, pre-conceived ideas, needs and conditioning, have all conspired together to compose something which for the most part, is only your point of view.

Now, granted, I have been responding to that point of view in a way which I personally believe to be constructive and helpful.

 

But the bottom line is, that in order for you to find your way through this and come up smiling, you have to recognise your own mental machinations and interpretation of what it is that is happening - and evaluate how you are distorting things to create a perception which then provokes negative thinking.

Let me say that in English.

You're creating your own hell, by thinking the worst of yourself, and following those thoughts even though they take you downwards, because rather like capillary action, one negative thought leads you onto the next negative thought - and you finally believe the lies you're telling yourself.

 

If you catch that first thought - that first lie - rather than follow it, you can challenge it, and tear it to shreds for the empty and false perception, it actually is.

 

I keep swinging between devaluing him and blaming myself

.

don't devalue him.

Accept him as a Human Being with flaws, just like any other, trying to grope his way blindly, just like any other, and attempting to create a happiness for himself, that possibly depends on the negative consequences for somebody else. In other words, he's just trying to get his own way, because he believes that his behaviour is self-serving and will bring him satisfaction. Which is what he wants.

Which is what anyone wants. And unfortunately, for many people, it's "What's in this for me?" rather than, "Let's behave in a way that will ultimately prove positive for both of us, even though it might mean compromising some of the things I'd like."

 

And as for blaming yourself....

for what?

For having emotions?

For protesting at being treated in a way you'd rather not be treated?

For having reasonable needs which have been flouted and ignored?

 

So?

you made a mistake!

so what?

Really, so what?

Has it killed you?

Has it amputated a limb?

 

No.

It's been a bit of a shock to the system, a bit of a slap to the ego, but you're still in one piece.... ok?

 

I have thought because of this black and white thinking that in the last couple of weeks that I may have Borderline Personality disorder and even told him that in my last pathetic email

 

Now that's the negative thinking, with bells on.... taking you in that downward spiral....And much as you may think it is, no thinking is ever 'black and white'...because black and white are simply the absence of all colour, and the presence of all colour... you just need to stand back a bit and see that..... ?

 

....He said that I didn't and if I did then so what?

 

Helpless helpfulness. He thought he was being constructive, but in actual fact, I would guess he wasn't really sure how to respond to this....

Mental conditions are not things we expect to have to deal with in a relationship. And if the suggestion emerges, it actually sets off alarm bells, in those ill-equipped emotionally themselves, to deal with it.

 

What I remember is when I met this man 3 months ago I was happy and together emotionally even though I had problems socialising. I opened myself right up to him and told him of my social anxieties.. I was lonely and vulnerable and I told him I was fragile...I told him my boyfriend had died and I needed someone who would be mindful of this in dealing with me...He seemed wonderful for 8 weeks though he exibited some weird/cold reactions to me and couldn't have sex properly. he did have a problem communicating and refused to tell me about his past relationships. I really am not sure at this point how we got here. I tried to talk to him of my feelings and that's where it went so wrong....

 

Like I said: Ill-equipped emotionally to deal with it.

He listened to you, but he didn't HEAR you. He registered it, but it did not compute.

 

One thing I know is that I got the terrible feeling that there was something very wrong and I couldn't shake it off so I left him...

That was probably it.

In point of fact, you're probably more emotionally mature than he is. I'd lay money on it.

But you don't believe you are.

 

I don't know how I can start to rebuild myself after going through all of these intense emotions. I am spending so much time alone as I am of work for a while. I havent any very close friends who drop by

 

Who says you have to 'rebuild' anything?

if anything rather than add, or re-structure, drop some stuff that really isn't useful to you....like this over-analysing, and hyper-self-criticism.

 

Learn to step back and view things, before deciding what your perception is REALLY telling you.

And what your mind is then making of it.

It's very entertining, particularly when you stop yourself constantly, mid-thought, and ask yourself -

"Now why are you thinking that?"

[singlegirl]

Tara maiden thank you. You are right. I do think the worst. I do punish myself and over analyze.

 

I emailed him and said that he may well be right, I may have had a few days of negative thinking that escalated. I said though that "something" happened to me. I told him that my boyfriend who died, died at christmas and that may have triggered the intensity of my emotions. I also need some perspective to look at the dynamic between us and how I got here... I hope he understands why I am asking that he doesn't respond to the mail, text or call me as I could only find perspective with distance. I wished him well in the year ahead

 

I hope that will be ok for him and for me

[TaraMaiden]

If he replies, don't open it.

Hit delete, then empty your e-mail bin, and then block his e-mail address.

In fact, go do that now.

Don't accept any e-mails, texts (again, just delete and don't read them.

Don't read them!!) and ignore him.

 

You've asked him nicely.

 

If he doesn't comply, that's a classic case of his ego wanting validation from you, because they simply cannot believe you're serious.... remember... he's a "What's in it for me?" person.....

[singlegirl]

I have already decided that I can't handle reading anyhting from him. I will delete without reading any messages sent...

 

I don't know how to block someone's email address from sending me emails. Do you know? I will google it now

 

Thank you so very much tara maiden

[singlegirl]

Done it.....I hope that I can let go now and start to feel better......

[TaraMaiden]

1 small step in front of the other.

Progress might be slow. but it will be gradual, and you will get there.

 

Hell, I think you're a lot closer already, than you think.....

[DenverBachelor]

I have already decided that I can't handle reading anyhting from him. I will delete without reading any messages sent...

 

I highly doubt anyone ever deletes a message they see in their inbox from someone they are emotionally invested in. It just doesn't happen and if someone can do this, they're far more willful than I.

 

You need to create a filter that sends anything with a specific FROM address straight to your trash and have your trash set up to auto-delete. Otherwise, you'll just click trash and read it. What you want to do is set up some way to make it completely transparent so you never even know you received a message from him.

 

Texts to your phone are a different story, but you can always get a new phone number as well.

[singlegirl]

DenverBachelor, you are right, it will affect me if anything comes but as tara maiden said it will show he's not respecting my boundaries and request. This thought will make me delete it .....

 

Tara maiden, you have shown me tonight that I would be better to rid myself of the need to blame, thank you so much for your insight....It's easy to blame and conemn but really we are all doing what we need to do, this guy included....Youve taught me something that I will try to build on. Maybe if I am not so quick to blame I will not get so over emotional and feel mental and out of control....I will try

[TaraMaiden]

Don't forget to breathe.

I'm not kidding.

 

When we perpetuate and dwell in a negative state, our breathing becomes shallow and akin to the kind of breathing done by people who panic, or are under stress.

This de-oxygenates the brain, because your system sends whatever oxygen it can get, to where it thinks it's needed - to the muscles. Ready for fight or flight.

That's why we tense up when we're under stress.....

So when you feel yourself approaching that familiar negative state - stop.

Stand up straight, hold your head a little higher (it clears the airway) and breathe deeply, and slowly, to a count of four. Hold it for four, then release counting to six.

Do this three times.

You'll find at the end of it, you'll feel better.

 

Then, drink a glass of cold water.

I'm not kidding.

 

Some forms of depression can be exacerbated by a dehydrated brain.

 

Try it.

if I'm wrong, you can laugh me out of court, I can take it, I'm a big girl.

But I think you'll find it can help......

[singlegirl]

Am breathing, am breathing a huge sigh of relief......I looked into BPD and stumbled across Narcissism...I saw on this site a whole plethura of men who exhibited the same behavoiurs as my ex with the same consequences.....I am not mad. I do not have BPD I am vulnerable and I am too giving, too trusting, too naive....

 

He may not be a narcissist, I do not need to label him as such. I am glad to know that I was not alone in this experience of relationship pattern .He may just be a wounded soul looking for gratification in the world in any way he can gain it...Now I am no longer the source of that gratification..I can let him go, I can feel that love I felt for him without the confusion. I know I loved him, he knows I loved him and that can't hurt me any more because I was sincere. My inner voice spoke to me louder than his words so I am stronger than I was before I met him.....

 

I know now that I must dictate the pace of relationships. I must be wary of those who promise to love me forever without knowing me. I must be wary of the "instant connection" I must take things slowly and be at ease with the next man I meet....I must learn to be more assertive in general and make sure I have boundaries in place....

 

I will hurt for a while yet. I will miss him but I am free and I believe in me again. Thank you all for the support, especially Tara maiden , big hug to you xxx

Edited January 3, 2010 by singlegirl