Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I really need help. I've been married a long time but most of it unhappy. I am on the bare verge of having an affair. I know I am risking everything as I have a child (preteen) at home. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Control yourself. Stop. Make sure you are free first. Don't set this example for your child and don't do it to yourself. Its NOT worth it. Get a divorce first. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 The thing is I don't really want a divorce. My hub and I just cant relate on many levels especially sexually. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 the d word. that is, if the relationship is not salvageable. i would seriously consider the salvagability first, since there are childern Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 try working on your sexual relationship. you two may be able to change. It takes an open mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I don't know if i even want a relationship with this affair. right now i'm only interested in the sex. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 so what. doesnt justify having an affair. Its all in your mind anways. Because you think this person will make you feel satisifed in bed, they will. If you thought that about your husband, and had an open mind, he would be able to do that too. It depends on how you percieve it. Try sex games with your hubby. Role playing. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 You can pretend he is a "mail man" or a "plumber" and set it up so you can get the effect of an extra marital affair without actually having one. Be creative. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I dont care about role playing. My hub is sexually selfish. I've talked to him about it before. He doesn't care. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 what do you feel you will get by having this affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I dont really know. I guess a sense of closeness with someone. Someone who makes me feel important. I want to do something that will make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 So you feel your missing something in your life. You feel the need to make yourself happy. That is ok, and that is also a starting point. The question: Why will someone else make you feel happy? Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Or is the truth, that you have a secret sexual fantasy about having an affair, because you want to screw someone else and it has become like a burning desire inside of you to which you can no longer keep at bay Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I dont know. I know that no one else is in control of your happiness. Only you can make yourself happy. Logically, I know this. I guess I'm trying to figure how what would make me happy. I've been divorced before, I've raised kids all my life. I'm ready for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 "Or is the truth, that you have a secret sexual fantasy about having an affair, because you want to screw someone else and it has become like a burning desire inside of you to which you can no longer keep at bay" I think that's true too. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 You have hidden away your desires for so long and have denied to yourself in many ways the truth of why you want it. It is selfishness. It is lust. Uncontrollable lust. As in the biblical sense. Greed, Sloth, Gluttony, Pride, Anger, Envy and Lust Will you secumb? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 What are you trying to tell me? That I am selfish? That's all I need to hear. It's bad enough that us women sacrifice everything for everyone else, now when I'm looking for a little constructive advise, I'm being called selfish. Great. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I am not calling YOU selfish. I am calling the fact that you are giving into your desires selfish. read my post in double penitration. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Does anyone else on this board have any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
hurtinrealbad Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 I don't know that women are the only ones who sacrifice everything??? What about the men who go off to work for 10-12 hours a day while the wives sit at home figuring out how to spend their husbands hard earned money? What about the wives at home having these extramarital sexual affairs while their husbands are busting their asses at work all day?? Love and marriage is a two way street. If you're not happy, chances are he's not happy either. You have a few choices: 1. Get divorced and never know if you could have fixed things and felt love for him the way you did when you first got married. 2. Seek out some help via marriage counseling and be honest with your husband. Tell him what you have told everyone here. Tell him what you're missing, tell him what you need, tell him that you want to make it work, but that he needs to do some things first. You have to establish how he feels and then go from there. If you haven't talked to him, you need to. Try to get him to agree going to counseling and tell him everything. If after you have tried all of this and you still feel this way, then perhaps some serious time apart would help. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, at least I hope it does because my wife is moving out on me in two weeks. Everything that I am suggesting to you is what I wish she would have told me. You see sometimes men get so wrapped up in themselves and their work and hobbies that they forget they have a wife who has feelings. It doesn't mean that they don't love their wives, it just means that they need a good swift kick in the pants to remind them how lucky they are. My wife's leaving has not only been devastating to me, it has been a serious eye-opener as to how I have treated her for the last few years. My marriage may not be salvageable, but it seems to me that if you both want it to work, then it will. Like any good thing, it doesn't come without working at it. Marriage is an ever changing relationship and if both sides can not adjust, then trouble lays ahead. I hope I have given you some advice that will help you and your husband find what you really want. Don't have an affair!!! It's an emotionally taxing event not only for the other partner, but for the one who is having an affair as well. Trust me I know. Good luck with everything and let us know how you're doing. Talk to him today, don't delay. Just be honest, calm and talk from your heart and you may be surprised at how he reacts. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Thank you for your advice, especially from a man's perspective. I'm so scared to talk to him. He has a really bad temper and is very egotistical. I'm afraid it would cause and huge fight and divorce anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
yogi-mon Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 i am very worried for you. i wish you the best, please just make sure that your choices dont hurt ur childern Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 Thank you. I'm so torn up I don't know what to do. I've thought about just telling him how I feel, laying it all out, but I'm so scared. I don't want to hurt anyone but I'm so unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtinrealbad Posted December 22, 2003 Share Posted December 22, 2003 The first step for you is to get these feelings out in the open. If you don't they will eat you alive. For the last two weeks, I have been flooded with emotions I never knew existed, mostly of which were guilt for how I treated my wife. If he is so "angry" and unapproachable, then my advice would be to seriously consider moving out of the house for a while to see what happens. At some point in this game, he will have the same revelation that I had and he will not be able to believe what he has been doing to you. If there is even a little speck of love for him then you need to do what last things you can to save and guard that love and try to make it grow. I was angry for a very long time, mostly because of my alcoholism, drug use, and the fact that I didn't know I had bipolar disorder. That is not an excuse for the things that I have done, but it is a factor. It is a very hard thing for a lot of men to express themselves to their wives. I know it is for me. We take it for granted that our laundry will be done, our dinner will be ready, the house will be cleaned and everything organized the way it should be. Often times, the wives do all of this in addition to a full-time job. I can't tell you what to do and if you are confused adn don't know, you really should leave the house for a while. I would try and talk to your husband first and let him know that you are on the verge of having an affair and that you are on the verge of moving out for a while if things dont' change. Be calm, but firm in what you say. Don't let him walk all over you, but don't insite a major brawl either. If you see that he is unapproachable, I would start making arrangements to move out for a while. Yes it's very hard, but sometimes a necessary thing. Link to post Share on other sites
TMCM Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 I may be wrong but it sounds like the reason why you want an affair is not because of sex but because you want another man to support you emotionally and financially when the fertilizer hits the fan and divorce becomes a reality. In other words, an exit affair. I hate to break your bubble but if you beleive that having an affair is going to help you, then you are sadly mistaken. Affairs are emotionally and physically draining and they are the most fragile of all relationships for usually their discovery marks the beginning of their end. So many people, especially women, beleive that the OM is their savior and bitterly find out that they were just their playthings until their next sexual conquest comes along. If you're certain that your marriage is unsalvageable then the best thing you can do is to find a job (if you don't have one already), save money to make the deposit and first month's payment on an apartment, and file for divorce. Who knows, maybe these actions may be enough to finally open that thick head of your H's and make him appreciate what he's about to lose. You have to make some very serious soul searching to find out what you truly want and how to best achieve it without resorting to a self destructive relationship like an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
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