Something that has happened to me

[Dooda]

I have realized something about myself today.

As I look out the window and I see people studying in the library on the other side of the street, and as I wonder about every single moment that has passed on in my life for the past 3 years, I have realized something.

I have realized that I have let myself and my life slip away from me while I'm worrying about it constantly. I have never let myself go, me; to be who I am, to not care what people think about me.

It is so hard to think that I have let 3 years of my life slip away from me, and I have been the only one letting myself do so. I am an enemy; I am an enemy to myself. There is no one else.

I have been letting myself go and I have been doing nothing about it. So many people around me are happy and have happy lives, and I'm here stuck in my sorrow that I can't seem to escape from.

Every day is a constant worry, a constant struggle; you try to escape but you can't. You can't sleep, you can't relax, you can't be yourself without caring. You care too much. You care far too much for your own good. You want to stop caring but you can't.

People have lives, they have true lives, and I have nothing. I have nothing at all. I have zilch. For the past 3 years, there is nothing I can look back upon and wonder that I have done good. I have only let myself down. Every time I go deeper in this hole, I let myself dig more deeper, until I feel I can't come out of it anymore.

It's like this emptiness, this dullness, that is on me and in me and I can't seem to unshake. I am doing nothing to get away from it.

 

It's easy for me to confess these feelings, but it's hard for me to actually do something about it. I want to start living again, be me; I want to start being me. But, sometimes, I just can't. There's this pain inside of me that I can't seem to understand. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really me. I have crazy, irrational thoughts, about life, about who I am, about whatever the hell this life is worth living for. Sometimes I just wonder if there is anything to live for in this life. What is the point. What's the point if every single day of your life is a struggle and you have nothing to look forward to during the day? What is the god damn point. Sometimes I wonder that I only have a few more decades to live of this miserable life, and then I will fade away and life will move on. I just don't care. I don't care about no one, I don't care about myself. I have lost hope, and there is no more hope in me.

 

I know that I'm anxious, and I know I'm depressed and all that, but I really don't care. It doesn't matter.

I've realized that I'm letting my life slip away, and that I'm doing nothing about it.

[TaraMaiden]

good for you!

Bravo, and very well done for having come to this realisation!

That you've taken this time to realise it, is irrelevant - truly, it is...

 

Your big question now, should be...

How long am I going to continue doing this?

 

because having realised what you have been doing to yourself, do you mean to honestly say you intend to continue in the same vein for the foreseeable future?

Or not?

 

Hopefully, the latter.....

 

Have a resounding pat on the back from me!

Celebrate!!

 

THIS IS TRULY THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!

 

Wow!!

[Brightmoon]

I have realized something about myself today.

As I look out the window and I see people studying in the library on the other side of the street, and as I wonder about every single moment that has passed on in my life for the past 3 years, I have realized something.

I have realized that I have let myself and my life slip away from me while I'm worrying about it constantly. I have never let myself go, me; to be who I am, to not care what people think about me.

It is so hard to think that I have let 3 years of my life slip away from me, and I have been the only one letting myself do so. I am an enemy; I am an enemy to myself. There is no one else.

I have been letting myself go and I have been doing nothing about it. So many people around me are happy and have happy lives, and I'm here stuck in my sorrow that I can't seem to escape from.

Every day is a constant worry, a constant struggle; you try to escape but you can't. You can't sleep, you can't relax, you can't be yourself without caring. You care too much. You care far too much for your own good. You want to stop caring but you can't.

People have lives, they have true lives, and I have nothing. I have nothing at all. I have zilch. For the past 3 years, there is nothing I can look back upon and wonder that I have done good. I have only let myself down. Every time I go deeper in this hole, I let myself dig more deeper, until I feel I can't come out of it anymore.

It's like this emptiness, this dullness, that is on me and in me and I can't seem to unshake. I am doing nothing to get away from it.

 

It's easy for me to confess these feelings, but it's hard for me to actually do something about it. I want to start living again, be me; I want to start being me. But, sometimes, I just can't. There's this pain inside of me that I can't seem to understand. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really me. I have crazy, irrational thoughts, about life, about who I am, about whatever the hell this life is worth living for. Sometimes I just wonder if there is anything to live for in this life. What is the point. What's the point if every single day of your life is a struggle and you have nothing to look forward to during the day? What is the god damn point. Sometimes I wonder that I only have a few more decades to live of this miserable life, and then I will fade away and life will move on. I just don't care. I don't care about no one, I don't care about myself. I have lost hope, and there is no more hope in me.

 

I know that I'm anxious, and I know I'm depressed and all that, but I really don't care. It doesn't matter.

I've realized that I'm letting my life slip away, and that I'm doing nothing about it.

 

 

I am reading this and in tears Dooda.

The things I have but in bold resonate with me hugely.

It made me connect with my own sorrow and depression.

Its been way, way more than 3 years for me. Way more.

 

I want to hug you.. I can so identify with you.. *tears*

 

It's odd that I saw your post today. Today is the day I decided I would do stuff to help myself.. .. begin a process of 'taking hold'.. if that is the opposite of letting go. I know what I want to achieve today. It is stuff around the house, but it means I am taking hold instead of letting go and letting slide. So seeing Tara's reply to you resonated hugely to with my day and that life starts today.

 

Depression is so hard Dooda.... and it seems trite to offer advice.. especially when I struggle with it so much. I wish I could say something that will make a difference to your numbness. I see that it has gone beyond pain with you.

 

LS is a great place. Tara and others keep me going with their strength and spirit when I feel I have none. I hope you find comfort too.

I am here for you if you want to PM me or just to post..

Please keep posting if you can and let us know how you are..

We have to start form were we are.

 

Huge heartfelt hugs to you.

[User Named]

You are depressed. I know because I am, too. You have to get medication. If you don't, you will start self-medicating with drugs or alcohol. Worse, you might think about suicide. Go to your school counselor. I'm serious. Don't be embarrassed or feel as if you're not worth the trouble. The hopelessness you feel can be cured with medication. Take it seriously. You deserve to feel alive. I'm going to check back here to see what you're doing. I wish you lived in my town, I would help you somehow. (I'm in Arizona.)