I abused my brother (sexually)

[curious.1986]

Hi I write this post with shame that has haunted me for quite a while. First off, i would like to say that this is not a troll post.

 

I never knew i was bisexual. i did not have sex education in school. When i was growing up say ard 12, i got my yger brother (2 yrs my junior) to engage in oral sex with me. he is a good brother and not knowing much he participated.

 

we saw it as fun bcoz I had no idea whatsoever and he merely followed. No one spoke to me about sexuality. Then few yrs later, internet became common in the household. I somehow ventured to the world of porn and came across gay/bisexual porn. Only then i realised i was bisexual.

 

I start to think back to those times and i feel very ashamed. Not just because of my sexuality but because I abused my brother. Right now Im 23, and i'm afraid that those experiences will negatively impact my brother.

 

We do not talk about all those stuff bcoz we have all grown up. But i really wanna let apologize and most importantly make sure he is psychologically alright. I find this very hard to do and I have no idea where to start.

 

DOes anyone have any advice for me on how to ensure my brother is okay? i really want to get this off my mind because every time i think about it, i feel really sad and hopeless as a person, as an elder brother and role model.

 

curious.1986

[Lizzie60]

Come on... now... you were both kids.. and a lot of kids explore their sexuality.

 

If I were you, I would try to stop thinking about it.. you did nothing wrong.. it was like almost 'normal'..

 

You'd be surprised at how many kids do things like that..

 

If you really feel bad about it.. why not talk to a therapist about it.. he would most likely tell you what I just said.

 

It is possible that you are gay... and it's OK.. concentrate on finding yourself.. that was part of it (look at it that way )...

 

Good luck!

[TaraMaiden]

Whilst I can appreciate and understand Lizzie's efforts to help you shrug it off - if you've been carrying this around on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart for the past 11 years, that kind of recommendation isn't going to cut it.

 

Look, you might be feeling sordid, guilty, dirty, and as if you manipulated your brother into doing something against his will.

But unless he absolutely protested at the time, and you forced him against his will, then I don't think you have as much to feel bad about as you believe.

 

Was he reluctant and did he protest?

Did you coerce or force him?

did he comply against his will?

Is he showing signs of a repressive sexual attitude?

 

I appreciate your wanting to apologise, but you might have the opposite effect to the one you intended.

You might actually put it in his mind that what you did was perverted and predatory, and that you did abuse him.

You have two options:

Either (as Lizzie rightly suggests) see a therapist (which I would do if I were you, whatever else you decide to do)

or let the situation come around on its own accord.

you might like to not force a discussion, but wait until what seems an appropriate occasion or situation, to discuss your own sexuality, or what happened then...

 

 

What do you think you should do?

[curious.1986]

Come on... now... you were both kids.. and a lot of kids explore their sexuality.

 

If I were you, I would try to stop thinking about it.. you did nothing wrong.. it was like almost 'normal'..

 

You'd be surprised at how many kids do things like that..

 

If you really feel bad about it.. why not talk to a therapist about it.. he would most likely tell you what I just said.

 

It is possible that you are gay... and it's OK.. concentrate on finding yourself.. that was part of it (look at it that way )...

 

Good luck!

hi lizzie, thanks for the quick reply.

 

I dun really know if i can jus brush it off. I mean, i may be able to on my side, but for my brother, who is totally straight, that would be "not normal" for him.

 

I m just afraid he will not be able to face up to sexual encounters because of what happened. How else can I find out if he is okay? i really cant give this any closure by just not thinking about it.

[curious.1986]

Whilst I can appreciate and understand Lizzie's efforts to help you shrug it off - if you've been carrying this around on your shoulders, in your head and in your heart for the past 11 years, that kind of recommendation isn't going to cut it.

 

Look, you might be feeling sordid, guilty, dirty, and as if you manipulated your brother into doing something against his will.

But unless he absolutely protested at the time, and you forced him against his will, then I don't think you have as much to feel bad about as you believe.

 

Was he reluctant and did he protest?

Did you coerce or force him?

did he comply against his will?

Is he showing signs of a repressive sexual attitude?

 

I appreciate your wanting to apologise, but you might have the opposite effect to the one you intended.

You might actually put it in his mind that what you did was perverted and predatory, and that you did abuse him.

You have two options:

Either (as Lizzie rightly suggests) see a therapist (which I would do if I were you, whatever else you decide to do)

or let the situation come around on its own accord.

you might like to not force a discussion, but wait until what seems an appropriate occasion or situation, to discuss your own sexuality, or what happened then...

 

 

What do you think you should do?

 

Hi TaraMaiden,

Looking at your questions, I know i am not able to answer. my brother has always held me in high regard. i was indeed his role model. He listens to every word i say. So i cant say for sure if he did it out of his own will. I would think he most likely did it out of obedience. As for signs of repressive sexual attitude.....how can i find this out?

 

You hit the right note when u said apologising might not be a good thing. I feel this way too which is why i posted here.

 

Im afraid he is pushin those encounters aside, which may or may nt haunt him in future. So i wanna make sure he is alrite, but by doing that i will have to ask/remind him about it. pretty much a catch-22 situation.

 

I only have one brother and i really hope i did not destroy him.

[Lizzie60]

I honestly think that you didn't 'abuse' him..

 

He might have shrug it off.. since you were both kids... and it's been quite a while.. how do you know?

 

Did it happened more than once?

 

If it really bugs you.. have a discussion with him.. my bet is that it didn't bother him as much as you think it did..

[Brightmoon]

Hi I write this post with shame that has haunted me for quite a while. First off, i would like to say that this is not a troll post.

 

I never knew i was bisexual. i did not have sex education in school. When i was growing up say ard 12, i got my yger brother (2 yrs my junior) to engage in oral sex with me. he is a good brother and not knowing much he participated.

 

we saw it as fun bcoz I had no idea whatsoever and he merely followed. No one spoke to me about sexuality. Then few yrs later, internet became common in the household. I somehow ventured to the world of porn and came across gay/bisexual porn. Only then i realised i was bisexual.

 

I start to think back to those times and I feel very ashamed. Not just because of my sexuality but because I abused my brother. Right now Im 23, and I'm afraid that those experiences will negatively impact my brother.

 

We do not talk about all those stuff bcoz we have all grown up. But i really wanna let apologize and most importantly make sure he is psychologically alright. I find this very hard to do and I have no idea where to start.

 

DOes anyone have any advice for me on how to ensure my brother is okay?. I really want to get this off my mind because every time I think about it, I feel really sad and hopeless as a person, as an elder brother and role model.

 

curious.1986

 

 

Curious.

 

I really would leave well alone for now.

 

I know you really care for your brother and love him and feel responsible for any harm you have have caused by what happened when you were lads.

But you are also looking for him to take the guilt away. Only you can do that. I feel strongly that you should not open up this potential can of worms for your brother just because it seems to be the right time for you to explore this issue. This really is about you and that is fair enough. Seek professional help to explore this part of your life so you can come to terms with it first. You say more than once that you want to make sure your brother is psychologically OK.. What is he is not? How will you be able to help him if you have not come to terms with the issue yourself? This seems about you and not him. Leave him out of it, certainly for now.

 

I guess it is understandable that you want to be reassured that it was all OK and absolve your guilt. Sort out your own feeling.... don't look to your brother to take away your feelings of guilt.

 

I was abused by my brother who is ten years older than I. I am a very open person, unafraid of discussing most things, I would say.. but NOTHING on GOD's Earth would make me talk about that in any detail. I can not bear the thought of my brother EVER broaching the subject with me. It has impacted on my life hugely I think... but I cannot go there EVER.

 

Mine is a different case to yours due to the age (not to mention gender) difference between my brother and I, but I still think you should not bring your brother into your unease with that (those) episodes in your childhood.

 

I get the impression that you have a good relationship with your brother with lots of mutual love and respect. THAT is the best protection you can give him right now. You are caring and open to your brother and that will make it easier when and if the time comes for him to discuss it.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Brightmoon

[ToBeFair]

Agree with most other posters. Speaking from experience, I would NOT try to discuss this with your younger brother. My elder brother (5 years older) did similar when I was about 10. At the time it didn't really seem odd, as I went through puberty myself I thought, 'what a bastard' then as I grew older and looked back on the turmoil that was my own sexual discovery I understood better and eventually completely forgave him. You should live with this, accept that it was something you did as a child and as long as you wouldn't do similar now you are older, learn to forgive yourself. You were only a child.

 

But as others have said to try to discuss this with him you ease your own conscience may be wrong. Unless there are clear signs that his sexual & mental development have been messed up I recomend that you let him figure things out for himself and hopefully recognise this for what it was, a messed up childhood, struggling to come to terms with sexuality thing. hopefully when he is old enough he will have it sussed and forgive you.

 

Take care and try to forgive yourself.

[Ronni_W]

I only have one brother and i really hope i did not destroy him.

Perhaps you are over-estimating your capacity/power to "destroy" other people, psychologically? And, at the same time, under-estimating your brother's capacity/power to be responsible for, and take care of, all the emotional healing that he decides he wants and needs to do?

 

If he has repressed any traumatic memories about any of his prior life experiences, that is HIS way of dealing with it. They (your brother's conscious self, his subconscious self, his 'higher self/soul', and his 'guides and angels') know what they're doing in terms of HIS best interests.

 

He is 21 now, an adult. He can take care of his own emotional-psychological healing and health -- and he will do exactly that...according to his own 'growth & development' schedule; when and if ever HE feels the need and desire. You can count on it.

 

In the meantime, you can role-model for him how to be emotionally-psychologically responsible (when HE is ready) by undertaking your own healing now; by seeking therapy to come to terms with your own guilt and self-criticism, and learning how to let go and to self-forgive.

Not to be specific about WHAT you're getting help with, but to assure him that it is okay to seek such help, and to let him know your positive outcomes.

 

Im afraid he is pushin those encounters aside, which may or may nt haunt him in future. So i wanna make sure he is alrite, but by doing that i will have to ask/remind him about it.

If you really, really want to, you can go about it a different way: Say something to the effect of, "As your big brother, I've always loved, appreciated and respected you, and so I wanted to be a positive influence in your life. But I'm not really sure if I was too successful at that. You would let me know, wouldn't you, if there is anything that I totally screwed up? And you'd let me know if and how I can make amends current-day?"

 

And just respect and accept whatever he tells you. Respect him (and his 'inner support team') for his own ability/instinct to self-determine what is best for him at any point in his own life.

 

Regardless of what he tells you, though, you could reinforce that you do love, appreciate, respect and admire him -- that those are mutual feelings, and not just a one-way stream from younger to older.

 

Best of luck. I get that you are suffering under the weight of your own traumatic memories around this, and the resulting guilt -- take care of you, and you'll also be teaching/guiding your brother about doing the very same thing.

[curious.1986]

hi thanks for all the replies..i need some time to digest them..also because i will be out of town and without internet connection.

 

i will reply when im back.

[TaraMaiden]

Ronni's given you some absolutely top-whack advice there.... very very good counsel....

Think on it.

 

All the best, see you soon.....

[curious.1986]

hi everyone,

 

firstly i would like to thank everyone for their replies.

Like what Brightmoon said, this seems to be about me. And i think it is.

Ronni's reply also made me think harder abt the impact on others.

 

Havin sat down and thought about it, it seems like i just need to let this go and really forget about it while working towards the future where i can be a better role model to my brother.

 

Most of these guilt probably stem from the fact that im in this exploration stage. After a few talks to other gays, they actually told me that they do nt think that I'm gay but that i jus have a self-esteem issue.

 

this came from having a birth defect at my genitals, and thus im envious of other genitals. the encounter with them made understand myself more and im now starting to put more positive thoughts into my head to boost my self-esteem.

 

I guess exploration for me is part of my growing up and im sure that in future i will be back to my straight life and hopefully the guilt will nt b back to haunt me. I will try talking to my brother as how Ronni mentioned.

 

Once again, i thank you all for your time and efforts in giving me your replies. Im glad i have this forum to turn to.

[TaraMaiden]

curious, I'm glad you've reached a better understanding of things, and I congratulate you for exploring all issues further, and questioning others sensibly.

 

Close your mind to nothing.

be open, and accepting of yourself, no matter what your sexual persuasion.

It sure as hell doesn't matter to us, providing you are 'happy in your skin' and content with what you do.

 

you seem a very nice, genuine and sincere man.

I'm sure everything will pan out well.

 

Enjoy your life and take care of yourself.

[Ronni_W]

curious,

as Tara says -- you appear to have done some good self-reflecting and now have a clearer sense of what's going on inside of you. Well done!

and hopefully the guilt will nt b back to haunt me.

Guilt is a crazy thing, isn't it?

If I could suggest, forgive yourself the same way that you would forgive any other 12-year old child. I mean, people of all ages make mistakes -- but we cannot hold children to the same 'standards and measures' to which we hold adults.

 

How you treated your brother when you were 12 is NOT a reflection on who you are as an adult. That was you struggling with something important but not knowing how to deal with it properly.

 

It's different today, of course. At 23, you'd be obligated to hold yourself accountable at a "higher" level, as an adult. Not that you couldn't also be forgiven but that you might need to work harder for your forgiveness.

 

You made a mistake when you were 12. You're human. You deserve forgiveness and peace of mind.

You've learned from your mistake and are striving to overcome the consequences (the guilt.) That makes you a successful human being, in my books.

 

In my books, you're 100% worthy of having a happy, rewarding, guilt-free life!

[AkashaRose]

Everyone pretty much got this one, but what you did was not abuse. So many children go through that when they are young. Don't let it consume your mind!

[Satisfaction]

you should bring it up in some way with him. There is no way you can tell the impact of what you did. He may get angry or cry or shrug it off but you should get it out.

You have thought about it so long and its still in your head. Why keep dragging it around? You are both dragging it round unnecessarily.

[Left in a Lurch]

I'd look at it like this- did you have all the tools to know what you were doing at the time was wrong? Did you fully understand the consequences of what you were doing and have an idea that there might be psychological consequences for your brother 10 years down the road, all when you were just 12?

 

If yes, you did something wrong. If no, you did something that you later learned would be wrong if you knew more. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

It would be like a baby giving you the middle finger, he doesn't know what it means and he is not capable of knowing the effects of his actions on others, so you cannot hold him accountable for it.

 

To be fair, you can't hold yourself responsible for something you did without the knowledge that it was wrong. Kids that age do a lot of weird sh*t with a lot of weird uh, media.

 

What I get from what you posted is that you understand it was wrong now, or regret your choice because if you had known then what you know now, you never would have done it. But you did not know then what you know now so you need to release your guilt for being human and acting on an urge without understanding what that urge really was.