When to Re-establish communication

[mikeymad]

It's been almost a month of separation, and we haven't seen each other at all. Talked on the phone maybe 2x. Random text msgs. I understand the concept of LC/NC, but at what point to you try to at least let them know you aren't just going to let yourselves drift farther apart? Thinking of asking to meet for coffee...

[nobmagnet]

just a thought........why?

 

are you hoping to get back together?

 

If your not.............dont. Im sure you have lots of mates already you dont need a complicated one that might interfeer with future relationships.

 

just my take.. x

[mikeymad]

yes hoping to reconcile. She initiated separation.

[cyabye]

Um NEVER. She left you. You need to move forward and she needs to see that. If you initiate contact it will destroy the NC so far and remind her that she still "has" you. It's tough but do it.

 

cya

[nobmagnet]

oh dear I am sorry for you.

 

Its going to take strength my love and lots more too.

 

If you get back in contact it will/might make you look weak. If you are honest with yourself she would have contacted you if she wanted it work yet.

 

try to be stong and have some fun of your own if at all possible.....even if its walking round the house in your scrollies scatching your bum watching as much footie/sport as you can. Take time to think......she wouldnt like this and enjoy it. If she does come back you need to be strong and she needs to do the running. WAW and WAH need to prove to us properly they want you.

 

xxx

[mikeymad]

I am in limbo right now, and don't know what i'm up against...not sure if there is OM or if I have conjured it out of relationship paranoia. I also need to know if I should keep roving from friend to friend to live, or if I should just get a place of my own.

[nobmagnet]

thats a tough one. But if you can afford to get a place of your own then do it. It will show inipendence and moving on. She will see that you are strong. And you will gain space! Scrollies at the ready!

 

actually if go can afford somewhere its a no brainer.........short lease with the prospect of extending it

 

xx

[mikeymad]

Well, the OM was conjured up by my overactive, underoccupied brain of mine. She now thinks I was being "creepy" and and her entire circle is "concerned" with my driving by, going through things, etc. I admit it was a bit neurotic and obsessed, but I guess my emotions won over my logic (along with help from no sleep). I fear I have dug a deeper hole (which didn't know was possible). Essentially I went to NC to show her i respected her space and time. I guess time is the only thing on my side now.

[nobmagnet]

it is!!

 

have faith in you my sweet her friends and family will only see her take.Obsessive thoughts are very normal for us dumpees. WHY, HOW COULD I HAVE CHANGED THE OUTCOME..................i say it in capitals because it shouts at us. Take heart. You have done the right thing.

 

Her silence is deafening though isnt it?????

 

loud music is a good defence xxxxx

[silic0ntoad]

I highly suggest listening to something to conjure anger. Anger is a very useful tool in the healing process. Try:

 

Bring me the Horizon - Suicide Season

heavenshallburn - Iconoclast

 

Both are excellent angry music CD's that actually have meaning and substance behind them.

[mikeymad]

anger actually comes easily, right behind sorrow. I'm not angry with her. I'm angry with myself for being weak. Looking at it from her view, I can see how my actions have been interpreted. I'm disgusted at how I acted, and terrified of the future. I guess sticking my head in the sand won't work anymore. I have to get my sh*t together, in the words of a wise poster on LS,

[CBIIS1]

Do not communicate with her, don't answer the door, don't answer her calls, nothing. Why do you not want someone better than her? She's out there and with prayer and faith you'll meet her. The old one is poison, don't drink there anymore. Is she making you happy now? Why do you want more

then?

 

NC is tough at first but gets easier and easier. Get a new life, its better really.

[tojaz]

anger actually comes easily, right behind sorrow. I'm not angry with her. I'm angry with myself for being weak. Looking at it from her view, I can see how my actions have been interpreted. I'm disgusted at how I acted, and terrified of the future. I guess sticking my head in the sand won't work anymore. I have to get my sh*t together, in the words of a wise poster on LS,

 

Rather then be disgusted, learn from it all. Read some books, read some threads here. Since you know you sent the wrong messages learn how to send the right ones.

 

Stay NC, if she comes to you and you educate yourself, you can make the right moves. If she dosen't then your better prepared for the next one.

 

Bottom line is, if her head isn't in reconciliation mode, she ain't hearing what you have to say.

TOJAZ

[mikeymad]

I am learning, and there have been some very painful lessons. I am slowly coming to accept that this might be too far gone. That doesn't mean I have to give up, but I have to lovingly detach, if nothing more than for my own good. It's extremely difficult to have someone who said yes such a short time ago not even want to see you.

[tojaz]

I'm not suggesting you give up Mikey. As much as you might want to, you won't be able to until your ready in your own head and heart. Take what you've learned and explore it. When it comes to her, all you can do is leave the door open a crack but you can't drag her through it. She has to do that on her own if its going to be for real.

TOJAZ

[El Ben]

I'm not suggesting you give up Mikey. As much as you might want to, you won't be able to until your ready in your own head and heart. Take what you've learned and explore it. When it comes to her, all you can do is leave the door open a crack but you can't drag her through it. She has to do that on her own if its going to be for real.

TOJAZ

 

I agree with Tojaz, though I prefer a much more extreme measure.

 

Forget her. Assume she'll never be back. Mourn her depature. Then build yourself up. Get counselling, get help, strengthen yourself to the point where you no longer need her (yes, you do come across as being really needy), then if she does decide to come back, it'll be a bonus for both of you.

[floridapad]

Hey Mike,

 

It seems like most of the advice you are receiving is in line with what we spoke about. Especially this one from Tojaz

 

Rather then be disgusted, learn from it all. Read some books, read some threads here. Since you know you sent the wrong messages learn how to send the right ones.

 

Stay NC, if she comes to you and you educate yourself, you can make the right moves. If she dosen't then your better prepared for the next one.

 

Bottom line is, if her head isn't in reconciliation mode, she ain't hearing what you have to say.

You will continue to make the wrong moves while you have any contact with your W while you are in the state of mind you are in. This is an experience that is horribly painful but if you chose to take something away from this and learn more about yourself, relationships, and women then you will be able to grow from it, and that my friend is how you get through this. If you don't learn anything from this experience and grow then all the pain will be for naught. Give YOURSELF some time away from the W. Go NC not to get her back or give her space but rather to give YOURSELF the space and learn rebuild and better yourself should she make gestures towards you down the road or should you meet someone else along the way. As I have said a million times, this truly is a looooong haul and NOTHING will speed up the process so read, educate, reflect on you life all the way back to your child hood. NOW is the time to do it while you are in so much pain. NOW is the time to learn about yourself, others, women, and relationships. NOW is the time to buckle down for the long haul.

[mikeymad]

Well I'm on my full 2nd day of NC, and it's true NC no texts, calls, msgs, driving by etc. It has been a strange journey from the past 3 weeks to the last 3 days. I almost feel empty, or void. I am still sad, but it as if something has changed. Maybe it's the fact that i decided I can't sit around and beat myself up all the time. Maybe me not thinking about it all the time has let me sleep, or not torturing myself. Maybe it was the fact that I found it is just an "us" issue and not an OM issue. Maybe it's the fact that I faced/am facing the holidays myself.

 

Is it strange that I got angry last night, and not with myself, but with her...for putting me through this. For having an EA while I was trying to work on the marriage, and seeming like if "I" changed and found myself, the marriage could work better. For blaming me for everything that has gone wrong. I know I had my faults, but to absolve yourself of any wrongdoing is both selfish and narcissistic. Maybe that's why I'm starting to detach. I have to get control of some area of my life or I will be a lost, broken soul along the highway of dreams.

 

I heard this song today, one I haven't heard in a while, and I lost it. It's by bonnie raitt, and I'm sure it applies to a lot of people here.

 

 

 

 

turn down the lights

turn down the bed

turn down these voices

inside my head

lay down with me

tell me no lies

just hold me close

don't patronize

don't patronize me

 

 

cuz i can't make you love me if you don't

you can't make your heart feel

somethin' it wont

here in the dark,in these final hours

i will lay down my heart

and feel the power if you wont

no you wont

cuz i can't make you love me

if you don't

 

i'll close my eyes

then i wont see

the love you dont feel

when your holdin' me

morning will come

and i'll do whats right

just give me till then

to give up this fight

and i will give up this fight

 

cuz i can't make you love me if you don't

you can't make your heart feel

somethin' it wont

here in the dark,in these final hours

i will lay down my heart

and feel the power if you wont

no you wont

cuz i can't make you love me

if you don't

 

Ouch. Unrequited love sucks.

Edited December 30, 2009 by mikeymad

[Fitness Dude]

OK, you and I are living parallel lives or something. Your story is almost identicle to my own. They're so similar it's creepy I tell you.

 

I know EXACTLY how your feeling, I feel the same way. The stuff you've been posting and questions are the same I've been asking all along. I only wish I would have asked them LONG before I broke NC, and it all fell to pieces.

 

I did it all wrong, from the first fight to the last fight, every single thing that I wasn't supposed to do, I did. I didn't find this place soon enough, or even though I did at one point, I didn't read enough to understand what I was doing wrong. You know what it got me - heartbreak. Really, really, terrible heartbreak! I'm far from good, but I AM getting better, a little better each day.

 

It has been HELL, and I mean HELL at times. Just all of the sudden, out of the blue, I feel like balling. I mean, that isn't me, at all. Those times are fewer and fewer now, but they STILL hit me when I least expect it. Sometimes it's a song on the radio, a song that I've heard a million times before, but NOW, the lyrics are like made for my situation, like it was written specifically about my situation.

 

I just don't understand how women and men can through away a marriage based on their "feelings changing". Marriage is a commitment of choice, sure there are reasons that marriages should break up, but not because things "feel different". Hell, even if you're not attracted to your spouse, doesn't mean you should give up. It means you need to find the love that brought the two of you together, and at all costs.

 

And when you've exhausted all of the energy that you have to give and things aren't any better, or worse. Then it's time to do something. I just can't believe how quick some people are to just throw their hands in the air and say things like...."I can't do this anymore" and the dreaded, "I love you i'm just no in love with you".

 

No SHYTE, that's what a relationship as serious as a marriage is - it's about the commitment to each other to get through that feeling and find away to bring the sparks back.

 

Every long lasting relationship has gone through the same things, sometimes multiple times, but both people who are committed, work through it and know there will be better times ahead.

 

What couldn't we be married to these people? WTF!

[mikeymad]

And why is it that I'm sooooo tempted to call her up today and ask her what her plans are for tonight, even though I'm pretty sure what her answer to me would be? Even though she called me a "deadbeat husband". Well beings I was in school and starting a biz afterwards couldn't exactly contribute much financially, and yes I admit i didn't pull my fair share around the house. But seriously? Deadbeat? What the hell kind of therapy is she getting? If she is ever going to get out of her fog, is there a way to cut the cancer causing elements in her life out? Sounds like her therapist is giving her the "do whatever makes you happy and screw everyone else" approach.

[tnttim]

Tojaz gives great advice, I would listen and take what he says to heart. NC is the only way to go. Read some books, Macdonald's "stop your divorce" is my bible still, and I got my wife back. One day you'll start pointing your finger in the mirror and say "Your the only one that can change me" I made the change and I noticed everyone changed also. Complete strangers looked at me differently even. You have to change into a man that woman are drawn too. They are drawn to confident, arrogent, strong, humerous, fun loving and un needy guys. That's where reading books comes into this, you need to re-educate yourself. You are a relationship minded person right now, a huge turn off to every woman, especially your girl. The biggest thing I did when this happened to me was immediately going out with my friends every chance I had. My wife saw me having fun without her and I know it made her think, maybe it's me who isn't fun. She saw each time that I was moving further and further away, her uh oh button went off. Now this is a 2fer because, you are going to actually have fun after a while. My 2nd piece of advice, get mad at this cheating b*tch, hate her, loathe her calls, remember the bad sh*t she did, the hurtful things she said, all of it. Draw a picture in your mind of her disrespecting you. Picture her having fun with OM, because she is. This will motivate you to get off your a*s, and move on. Now do not use this anger in her presence, be happy around her. You just want to, my favorite slogan through all this, DETOXIFIHER. So give your heart a rest and use your mind to solve your problems. Remember your brain is for thinking and your heart is for feeling, don't get it confused.

[tnttim]

Are you still in denial of another man? DUDE, no woman Ive ever known leaves a relationship without another man on the back burner. They have the vagina remember, they have a stable of prospects just itching to go for a ride. I hope that hurt like hell when you read this, next time you read it, it will hurt a little less. See my point?

[Fitness Dude]

That was a piece of dynamite I didn't enjoy reading, that's for sure. Sad but true, so sad, but so true. You told it like it is.

 

I still can't believe all of this happened to me, just like everyone else thinks when it happens to them. I never would have guessed that my wife would be the one to do something like this, then........WHAAAACK!

 

When I piece together the timeline of the arguments, her Facebook comments, her "visiting friends" trysts, and the phone bill - it's absolutely sickening. I mean, SICKENING!

 

I have so much distaste for her now, and that's helping!

[tojaz]

That was a piece of dynamite I didn't enjoy reading, that's for sure. Sad but true, so sad, but so true. You told it like it is.

 

I still can't believe all of this happened to me, just like everyone else thinks when it happens to them. I never would have guessed that my wife would be the one to do something like this, then........WHAAAACK!

 

When I piece together the timeline of the arguments, her Facebook comments, her "visiting friends" trysts, and the phone bill - it's absolutely sickening. I mean, SICKENING!

 

I have so much distaste for her now, and that's helping!

 

Very true FD, none of us think their capable, because love is trust. Even to see it with your own eyes isn't always enough. The anger helps as long as you can keep it in check theres a big difference between healing anger and destructive anger. I've lived through both.

TOJAZ