I wish I had a deadbeat Dad...

[Mom2Be]

I wish I had a deadbeat Dad. Someone who was never around when I was growing up. That way he would have been absent in my life I could simply say "He doesn't know me, which is why he doesn't care." But the truth is my father was always around.

 

I wish I had a father who was homeless or broke. That way when he always forgot me at Christmas I could say "He didn't have enough money for a card." But the truth is, he is a doctor and always made good money and he never forgets anyone else, including paying his oldest grandson's rent every week even when it isn't Christmas.

 

I wish I grew up in a broken home. That way I could say my my father wasn't an active part of my life and we never lived together so it would be easy to understand why he doesn't remember my birthday or even know how old I am. But the truth is, he always lived with us, and my parents were married 50 years.

 

I wish I was just one kid of many. That way I could understand being overlooked as I had way too many siblings and could understand why my father tells people "I have 3 grandkids" the truth that he never counts my nine year old son or the baby I am carrying right now wouldn't hurt, because I know he would have too many to keep up with or remember. But the truth is, I am just one of his two only children; the only daughter - and my brother is 15 years older than me and he only "counts" his children but not mine.

 

I wish I would have been a horrible child. Then I could understand why he spends the holidays with my brother and his family, but doesn't think of me or call me on Christmas Eve. Or Christmas. Or the day after, or the day after. Because then I would understand why he wouldn't want to contact me. But the truth is, I am the only child that didn't do drugs, or have problems, or go to jail. I'm the only one that loved him unconditionally and never asked for anything from him.

 

I wish I had made bad grades as a kid. That way I could understand when he didn't want to help me go to college, even though he has paid several times again and again for my brother and his oldest son to take courses only to drop out and never graduate. But the truth is, I wasn't an idiot and I now have a Master's degree and two Bachelor's I earned and put myself through without help. I remember the day I told him I was going to college. Instead of any encouragement, he changed the subject and told me with beaming pride how grandson #1 received the highest marks in several years on his GED he just got while in jail.

 

I wish I didn't remember my youth. Because if i did I wouldn't recall all those beatings. Like the time I was 4 and I went into my parent's bedroom in the middle of the night because I was scared and had a nightmare only to be greeted with fists raining down upon me because he was expecting to "get some" that night. But the truth is, I remember everything...including sleeping on the floor of my room that night because I was so beaten I couldn't muster the energy to crawl back into my crib since I still didn't have a proper bed.

 

I wish he didn't get my hopes up, like asking us to travel across the country and stay with him one summer...promising how he wanted to spend time with us, and how he wanted to take me and my son to Disney World. But the truth is, once we got there he only wanted me to cook and clean his house, and how we couldn't go on the trip because his new girlfriend didn't want to go because she wasn't comfortable with us knowing she slept in the same bed with him. And for the time I was still stuck there he would kick me and my child out and tell us we would "have to find somewhere else to stay" whenever the girlfriend wanted to stay the night because she wouldn't if we were in the house.

 

I wish my mother never died. Then I would have someone who understood what I've been through - and at least one parent who would call on my birthday and loved me. But the truth is, cancer took her away.

 

 

I wish I just didn't care. I wish I could stop being the loyal lap dog begging for that pat on the head that never comes. But the truth is, I cry constantly...and even though I'm soon 34 I still want nothing more than to be a daddy's girl and earn her father's approval.

 

I WISH I KNEW WHY. BUT THE TRUTH IS......I DON'T.

[Nynn]

I'm sorry sweetie that you have lived through all that **hugs**

 

But your Dad is 'toxic' to your life and you need to accept how is really is and not keep wishing for the Dad you want. I can understand that why you wish him to be a good Dad. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and she's only recently started to push her Dad away. I think one thing that helped was that her Dad's new girlfriend is younger than she is, but she is getting better being out of the 'wanting Daddy's approval and love' trap.

 

I hope things get better for you. Focus on those people in your life who do matter and are good for you.

[Left in a Lurch]

I wish you would print that up and mail it to him.

[Natureofbeast]

[sIZE=2]Hugs to you. You are a beautiful writer and I agree you should send this to him. But at a guess I'd say you are/ were probably a peacemaker in your family, and as such not one to make waves. Please understand none of this is your fault. For what ever reason some people just are not able to relate–even love--more than one person at a time. Any contrary nature–with enough love to go around for everyone--can never understand this and as such look for fault within themselves. Please don't. Sounds like you did well for yourself in spite of and have much to be proud of yourself for.

[/sIZE]

[Mom2Be]

My Goodness...first I would like to thank you all for your kind replies. When I wrote this I felt quite guilty and almost took it down immediately, I've never really talked openly about my feelings concerning my father. And yes update- still haven't heard from him for Christmas. Last I spoke to him was Dec 22nd, and I made the call that time. He was gone for several weeks on a cruise with his girlfriend and missed my son's birthday. I waited a few days after his return home and was hoping if I called he would remember and perhaps want to wish my son a happy birthday. Naturally, he didn't and all he wanted to talk about was his trip and where he went and what he ate. I should have had the balls to tell him he could have called to say hello to my son but I didn't.

 

A few personal notes:

 

Nynn: I guess that is pretty much the reason I'm here - in a way I think more and more about our father/daughter relationship and the more I do I come to realize that he is never going to be the father I wanted (or even somewhat close to loving/caring about me) and the more I understand that perhaps after all this time I should finally just let the dream go. Holidays are stressful enough, but recent events with him has caused me some pretty severe emotional distress. But now it isn't just me that is affected - my son has now come to an age where he realizes that he is also passed over, and that's where the point is really being driven home. With a daughter inside me and due in May, I've come to think more and more about it...do I really want them to be subjected to the same esteem-breaking issues that this man likes to inflict just because he's blood relation? Though I learned to tolerate it as best as I could, I've done my best to protect my own kids from such behavior. I don't want them to also feel ignored or suffer through the same crushing comments he gives out every time they tell him of an accomplishment they feel proud of. I guess my son's reaction to being left out was the final blow. I also think I need to just cut bait and focus on the supportive caring people we do have around our family. Though it pains me and makes me feel I "gave up" I do think our contact needs to be severed - if anything to bring some normalcy and sanity back.

 

Natureofbeast: Your reply sent shivers down my spine. YOU HAVE ME PEGGED 100%! Indeed, I am the peacemaker/mediator in the family. My father is the tyrant/controller (and a serial cheater, but that's another long story), my mother was the queen of all martyrs. My big brother was the rebel who could never be told what to do, and his oldest son (Dad's first grandson) was also raised in the house and is quite the drug-user that followed the rebellious path. I was always the mediator - dissolving the issues and arguments between everyone else. We had enough drama in the family, and I was the one who ran back and forth trying to bring some sort of peace. Thanks to the lifetime of playing the advocate for everyone I'm rather good at it too. I always joke that I should have been a saleswoman, because I'm damn good at talking people into anything - reading them and telling them JUST what they want to hear. But I'm not manipulative in any way, so I just became a teacher instead.

 

I have learned to look at the positives in my life from growing up the way I did. On the good side I am intelligent, and I am easily likeable. I've also made sure to never hit my children and try to build them up instead of tearing them down. On the negative side I can be pretty overprotective at times and have a very difficult time accepting when I don't get along with someone socially. But in all I think I did okay. I have a husband that I love and have been married for over 14 years now who is a pretty good father and is also emotionally supportive of me. I managed to educate myself, and I broke the cycle of hate - even if it took me moving across the Atlantic to get away and get myself together. I also spend time and created a competitive cheer team in which I coach kids. Most of my cheerleaders aren't the greatest by a longshot - they don't have too many athletic abilities or gymnastic skills like other teams - and most come from broken homes or homes where there is abuse (drug/alcohol/emotional/physical). But I wanted to start something up where every kid has a chance and nobody is turned away (we have no tryouts where we cut them...all are welcome) as long as they are really willing to try. A lot of these kids didn't have any outside influences or role models and never had an extra-curricular activity before. I don't get paid and I probably spend a lot of my own money on the team but it has likely been the best healing therapy I've ever had. To know I've been given an opportunity to reach out to kids like me and show them some self-value, and give them someone they can talk to and a chance to make friends; no matter how rough it is at home is rewarding.

 

So....all that aside any tips on how I should react whenever my father does call? I'm sure eventually he'll call because he'll have a need to brag about something. Normally that's why I get phone calls - for him to share the things that nobody else cares to listen to, mostly him bragging about what he or grandson #1 has recently done. My brother and anyone else won't listen - I'm the outlet for him there.

 

Again, thanks all for your very kind responses.

Edited December 30, 2009 by Mom2Be

[Natureofbeast]

[sIZE=2]I am guessing you already know that you need to forgive him for his transgressions against your heart. Not for his sake, but for yourself so that you can fully heal. Now how to handle his calls. See you are not the one that is failing, he is. You make every effort and he is just not giving back equally or at all. In the end of the day, you still have to live with yourself and he is your father. I recommend you take his calls, ( when it is convenient for you of course) & continue to be the good daughter–you have earned that title. But you know his selfish and self centered nature and it is a nature that probably will never change. My faith in hope is ever unwavering so maybe one day, but well to spare yourself any more pain do not hold your breath. But even late in life people can and do change. However, since he appears to go through his life without conscious notion that anything is wrong with your relation–at a guess I bet he would tell you–or someone else, he has a good relationship with his daughter.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2] Hearing your story, obviously that is not true. But its about perspective, and some people have a warped perspective cause it is the only way they can continue live with themselves. So short of getting your father into some sort of family counseling where a bias person to can better help him to see the error of his way–which I am guess is highly unlikely–because to do so he have to admit there is or was a problem . . . [/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]Back to the calls. If you decide to continue to take them and make effort to connect yourself–do it for yourself inside of the role of the daughter you want to be, not for him.

 

One other thing I would like to add. I can kind of relate to your story–in that I had a strained relationship with my parents–because they had what I saw as a better relationship with my siblings ( 4 brothers). By better I mean they were there more for them than they ever were for me. And this was true. But then my brothers needed them more than I did. I was a peacemaker myself you see, and not wanting to make waves I never ask for much and took care of myself. Now today, I can be proud of myself for this fact. Though I might have regrets and wished my parents had been there more for me too, I can be and am still proud of the fact that I managed on my own.

 

I lost both of my parents to cancer–in the last decade. I held their hands and took care of them in the last mths-yrs of their life. I lost mom first, and I never found the courage to ask her why the difference? But I did my father. And he told me. The difference was because I never needed them like the boys did. I could take care of myself. And well I got to wonder given all the issues have mentioned that your father has had to contend with your brother and his son, raised as a son by his/ your father. If this has not influenced your relationship with, the fact that he assumed you did/do not need him. Because you are doing well on your own. ( As self centered as this man sounds, I would be very surprised to learn that at some level he is not very proud of you-for who you have become, without much help on his part.)

[/sIZE]

[Eve]

I have learned to look at the positives in my life from growing up the way I did. On the good side I am intelligent, and I am easily likeable. I've also made sure to never hit my children and try to build them up instead of tearing them down. On the negative side I can be pretty overprotective at times and have a very difficult time accepting when I don't get along with someone socially. But in all I think I did okay. I have a husband that I love and have been married for over 14 years now who is a pretty good father and is also emotionally supportive of me. I managed to educate myself, and I broke the cycle of hate - even if it took me moving across the Atlantic to get away and get myself together. I also spend time and created a competitive cheer team in which I coach kids. Most of my cheerleaders aren't the greatest by a longshot - they don't have too many athletic abilities or gymnastic skills like other teams - and most come from broken homes or homes where there is abuse (drug/alcohol/emotional/physical). But I wanted to start something up where every kid has a chance and nobody is turned away (we have no tryouts where we cut them...all are welcome) as long as they are really willing to try. A lot of these kids didn't have any outside influences or role models and never had an extra-curricular activity before. I don't get paid and I probably spend a lot of my own money on the team but it has likely been the best healing therapy I've ever had. To know I've been given an opportunity to reach out to kids like me and show them some self-value, and give them someone they can talk to and a chance to make friends; no matter how rough it is at home is rewarding.

 

So....all that aside any tips on how I should react whenever my father does call? I'm sure eventually he'll call because he'll have a need to brag about something.

 

 

What a lovely person you are! Gosh! I LOVE how thoughtful you are!

 

I think the suggestion of sending Dad what you wrote is most apt.

 

... well done for getting this far with that lovely heart of yours.

 

Take care babes,

Eve xx

[Mom2Be]

Again...you guys are just too much.

 

I had spent every day since Christmas in a horrible state of misery and self-loathing, crying myself to sleep and crying when I wake up...thinking things like "If my own dad doesn't love me, how can anyone?" and beating myself up blaming myself for never being "good enough". Yet suddenly after all these replies I feel so much better - and even EMPOWERED. Thank you all so very much. I was worried when I first found this place and bearing my soul to strangers was pretty frightening - but now I am so happy I did.

 

Natureofbeast: WOW...we may actually have a lot in common! Back in summer of 2005 Mom got very ill - they first thought she had a stroke (had all the symptoms of one and was admitted to the hospital) but it turned out to be brain cancer. It was a big shock - my brother and I always assumed Dad would go first. Dad is overweight (I'm being kind here) and never took good care of himself. He is unable to walk and uses a scooter for mobility. He had a sextuple bypass and a pacemaker back in 2001, and yet still demands several eggs, bacon, sausage, gravy, toast with cream cheese every morning. Mom was the fit one - the vegetarian that didn't drink or smoke, and always exercised....plus she was over 10 years his junior. But, she had a small patch of skin cancer (she was redheaded and very fair skinned - and though she always avoided the sun it's hard to do in the Lone Star State!). The cancer was removed and they said all was fine but it turned out to be metastatic and spread to her brain and lungs. By summer 2006 she was in bad shape - and I flew over there as soon as I could when I got out of school. Dad was pretty much ignorning how ill she was and expected her to still wait on HIM. By the time I got there she was really struggling, underweight, and unable to walk. While Dad went about his business I washed her, changed her, carried her where she needed to go (wasn't too hard as she weighed nothing by that point!). Eventually she had a grand mal seizure and was comatose for a month or two, and passed away 3 days after I returned on the flight home. During this time my father and I had our first real disagreement. While Mom was dying he went through her purse and found a letter she had kept. The letter was one my father wrote to an ex-girlfriend he had become obsessed with 10 years earlier. He started having a one-sided emotional affair with this woman and began to write her only to find out she was married with kids of her own. Mom was really crushed by all this and I guess kept the letter from when she found out as a reminder (I told you she was the queen martyr!).

 

Anyhow, so she's in a coma and Dad finds the letter - and he's overjoyed, because he lost the ex girlfirend's address. So while Mom lays there daying he's busy finding out online that the lady is recently widowed, and he immediately starts contact with her. A week after mom is buried he moves up north to LIVE WITH HER. I'm livid about it and so is my brother, we talk to Dad and he gets angry with us trying to say WE are trying to keep him from happiness. (I could have cared less if he found a girlfriend - but damn...why did he have to pick the one he crushed my Mom over?). Anyhow...long story short he chooses the new lady over us kids and we have no contact for over 5 months - because he doesn't want the new woman to know his kids don't approve of their relationship since HER family means so very much to her. I give up- lay low and figure karma will do everything I can not and sure enough, after a few months the lady ditches the old man because (and get this irony!) her KIDS DO NOT APPROVE OF HIM. She chooses her kids over him and kicks him to the curb and goes no contact. So he moves back home...and she dies suddenly a few months after that - leaving my crazy old man to call up her kids crying about how much he loved her. That was the first time him and I ever had it out and I directly confronted him with disapproval about anything....not that my opinion mattered of course.

 

But anyhow....back to what you mentioned. Yes, I am aware of some of the reasons for my father's favoritism. One naturally - is that he favors boys over girls. *shrug* Not much I could do there. And you are very close about the part where the son and grandson needed him and I didn't. The truth is though that Dad wasn't jumping to help - he did so because he's a control freak and their needing him gave him an open door to be controlling in their lives. If it was bailing them out of jail, or paying their way - it always meant because of his "help" he then felt allowed to demand what he wanted from them because they were then endebted. Me on the other hand, I never asked him for financial help and never needed him to "rescue" me, so in turn he didn't feel he had the same authority and I guess that's a huge part as to why he ignores me. I'm only valuable if I am his to control, and being more independant and living far away he doesn't have those liberties.

 

Thanks again everyone - I'm still debating as to how I am going to handle our relationship (or lack thereof) once the call comes but I certainly don't feel as hopeless as I did before meeting you guys.

[Natureofbeast]

How long has your mother been gone?

 

I ask you this cause I am going to tell you, I think we have yet another common element. My dad as far as I am aware never had an A on my mom. But she was sick for about 2 yrs and well, some of mama’s friends offered their support to him. It was just friendship they were offering, but he took it for something more. Made a right proper fool of himself in the end. Then in less than 2 mths marrried some woman he met in a bar--didn't last of course--and peacemaker me was the only one that went to the weddign ceremony . . beside the point. But . . I was angry and hurt with my father too cause he seemed to be almost waiting for mom to die.

Now your situation is different I agree–how hard and hurtful for your father to do that–look for this OW who hurt your mom so bad, but my point to be made is–they go crazy hon. I know my father loved my mother, but he was just so damn scared at being alone that he was already thinking about a replacement before she was gone to my mind too. This does not excuse you father or mine, but I was able to better come to terms with it before my father died that his fear of being alone after being married for so many yrs to my mother made him react as he did.

[Mom2Be]

Natureofbeast: Wow, crazy how things work out, huh? Thanks for sharing your story with me too - it really is nice to find someone with understanding and common bonds (even if the circumstances in which the similarities arise are as crazy as this).

 

In answer to your question...Mom died in August 2006...so she's been gone for just over 3 years now. And I know the transition was hard - my father never lifted a finger in the house for fifty years and was suddenly forced to learn to do everything on his own, dishes, laundry, cooking....he really was clueless! I'm sure a "replacement" for the domestic duties was on his mind - but unfortunately for him not many women out there are willing to put up with him like my mom did, so he's been unlucky on that front so far.

 

At least he hasn't hopped into another marriage - yikes! I can only imagine how that must have been for you. But I don't doubt if the OW would have been willing mine would have tried to tie the knot. And I don't have any resentment for the OW, I'm sure my Dad layed it on real thick and only told her what he thought would get him to like her, and not the truth about all the mess with the letters, my mom, us kids, etc. Glad she and her kids saw though the BS...he'd probably be spending their inheritance right now as quick as he's been spending the life insurance he got when mom died. (He was the sole benifactor). I think her kids really dodged a bullet there!

[Jade 02]

I am so sorry youhad to go threw this abuse,but was he like this eo you when your mom was there with you all? Did he sexully abuse you.

 

it's all just sad.I hope the Lord sees this,and lays a break on your lap.

 

Warm hugz

Jade

[Mom2Be]

I am so sorry youhad to go threw this abuse,but was he like this eo you when your mom was there with you all? Did he sexully abuse you.

 

it's all just sad.I hope the Lord sees this,and lays a break on your lap.

 

Warm hugz

Jade

 

 

Hi Jade.

 

Yes, a lot of the physical abuse happened when I was younger. Mom knew, and I know she got her share as well. She did try and protect me when she could...and she did keep him in check in the later years, especially when it came to the mental abuse when his own health had deteriorated and she wasn't as physically afraid of him anymore.

 

As far as sexual abuse - not at all, I should be quite grateful for that. He cheated on my mom often throughout their marriage, but it was always with prostitutes or strippers - never anyone he would think of beyond a quick physical fling to get what he wanted. That's why the letters to the ex GF really crushed mom. She knew of his many indiscretions, but that was the first time it was something more than just a hooker for quick sex...he was emotionally obsessed with this woman, which was not his usual method of operation.

[Tayla]

Sounds like you are coming to terms with some of your childhood incidents. As an adult you will come to fully accept and be able to move on from the childhood experiences. Its all a part of maturing and recognizing this person no longer has the right to dictate how you travel thru life. Let the past be, work on things as they arise. Sounds like you are trying to come to terms quickly with somethings that took a lifetime to transpire. One day at a time, change comes slowly when it comes genuinely.