Need advice on a situation

[apiman]

Wasn't sure which forum to post this on, so I'm sorry but I put it on more than one.

 

Ok, here's my problem. I'm a senior in high school, and I met this one girl six years ago. She's two years older than I am and is in college about an hour away from me. I used to obsess over her; I wrote her name in my notebooks repeatedly, told her I loved her, and even gave her expensive jewellery. I've danced with her numerous times, hugged her, talked to her several times, etc. I chose my high school based on where she went, yet when I got there I was too nervous to talk to her because I always thought of her as being above me. She would say hi to me in the hallways and ask how I am from time to time, but I always assumed she flirted with me because she knew I liked her. I never really thought she liked me, which is partly why I decided to forget about her sophomore year. I did everything I could to not think about her because it was pointless, what with her going to college. Two years later, I have successfully put her out of my mind, well up until about a month ago.

 

All of a sudden I began dreaming about her every night. It really bothered me since I had thought about her for so long and didn't know why I would keep being reminded now. Long story short, I then realized that she was the reason I ran so fast in cross country and track. She indirectly motivated me to be as fast as I can, but since she's been gone I haven't run as well. Anyways, I decided to call her and tell her about this in hopes of getting it off my mind. She didn't know what to say, but she did tell me that I could call her if anything else came up.

 

The point of the phone call was to get her off my mind, but it didn't work like that. I haven't been able to stop thinking about her, and for the past three weeks I've been trying to get ahold of her. I finally did two days ago; I thanked her for listening to me and asked if I could call her just to talk. She told me she didn't feel comfortable because she doesn't really know me and doesn't know what there is to talk about. I said that I understand completely, because I don't know what there is to talk about either. There are things I can ask her, but they are more interrogative than conversational. I told her I'm not trying to ask her out, I just always wanted to be her friend and like talking to her. She said she is busy all of this week but she'll call me back next week when she has time. Honestly, I don't think she'll call back; not because she doesn't want to, but because she'll be so busy that she'll forget. Even if she does call, I don't know what there is to say. I still love her, and I would hate to lose contact with her, but I don't want to bother her either and put her in a position where she is just being nice to me.

 

I guess what I'm asking is, well, what could I talk to her about? Should I just stop bothering her? I'd give anything just to be her friend, but alas I know I have little chance at that. It amazes me that after six years, I have never met anyone more beautiful and kind as she is. It's plagued me, however, since I compare everyone I meet to her and notice how imperfect they are to her relatively. It really bothers me that I didn't talk to her my sophomore year because things would be much different now.

 

Any comments or advice would be appreciated.

[Samson]

Isn't it amazing that chronological age difference is really not a problem with ships passing in the night: It's where they are emotionally relative to one another that matters.

 

For example, 5 years from now you (23?) might not ask this question about this person (25). But since you are not yet out of HS, and the girl is in college, there seems to be this great gulf of emotional experience.

 

 

IMHO there's almost no downside to you're being very direct with the girl. Tell her you like the same movies and food she does. ask her what she's been wanting to go see and eat. invite her to see it and eat it with you. Sound stupid? Of course, but that only makes you more of a guy in the eyes of 98% of all females on the planet. just a guess; You don't have sisters. Guys with sisters already know this.

 

What you gonna lose? Pride! You're better off losing it now, bud.

 

Besides, her response, whatever it will be, will be a great conversation starter 5 years from now.

[AllyKat]

You know my answer, I gave it in your last post.

[SoleMate]

Are you in love with a real person, or just one that exists in your mind? It's interesting that this girl says she doesn't really know you. That suggests that you don't really know her, either.

 

I don't see major harm in attempting to pursue a friendship with her, as long as you can keep it in perspective. It's not great that your fantasies about this girl have actually blocked you off from feelings towards those who are much more accessible to you. Please just ask yourself what advantage you may find in pining after someone whom you feel is so far "above" you and unlikely ever to be your friend.

[apiman]

I've come to realize today that I liked her so much because of her beauty and the fact that she not only didn't reject me, but also flirted with me for her own amusement. Because I now understand this, I don't think I'll have as much of a problem with her telling me now she doesn't want to be my friend.

[SoleMate]

Cool! This is bringing you some insight and personal growth, and that is even more beautiful.

[apiman]

One more odd question. Call me crazy, but does anyone else find it extremely difficult to picture the girl you have a crush on? While the girl I'm talking about is the most beatiful girl I've ever seen, for some reason I can never picture her in my mind, yet I can remember people I haven't seen in years or only glanced at a few times ever. I mean hell, I had another dream about this girl last night, and I can't even picture her..

 

I think I'm just more crazy here than experiencing something common... am I right?

[apiman]

Ok, she didn't call. People have told me that I should see this as a flaw and forget about her, but I don't agree. All this does for me is emphasize how big of a mistake it was not talking to her two years ago. Again, if I had done that I would have gotten to know her and would have either become a good friend or realized how wrong she is for me. Now, I feel like it's too late and I'm going to be suffering with this perfect image of her in my mind forever. Everytime I think about her I feel sick in side because of how stupid I was two-three years ago. As I've said before, if she had gotten to know me and wanted nothing of me, then I wouldn't have a problem. But it's the fact that I missed my chance and now I'm unfairly unable to become her friend that really bothers me.

 

Some of my friends have tried to help, but they really don't know what to say. I feel like I've gone crazy in the sense that I seem to have lost all emotional response to everything but this girl. She's the only thing that makes me express any negative feelings. I really think she's the only person who can help now because not only is she the only person who knows the situation well, but she's extremely good with helping other people. I'm upset because I don't want to call her back in fear of bothering her, but if I don't speak to her I won't be able to ever move on.

 

I've accepted that nothing but her can give me that rush when I'm running that pushed me to the next level. The only way to compensate for that is to train even harder, although that doesn't solve the problem because I'm still not running 100% no matter how hard I work. I could easily regain that adrenaline if she would only talk to me, but I can't force that to happen. I strongly believe she just forgot to call, but nevertheless I feel uncomfortable calling when she said she would do so.

 

It really pisses me off when people say to ditch this girl and go find somebody else, there are plenty of girls like her out there. I may still be young, but I've met many females, and none strike me like she did. She was perfect in every aspect, and therefore other girls just seem so boring in comparison. I will not accept any advice such as "just forget it and move on" or "go to counselling" because I A. do not want to forget this perfect person and B. know what my problem is and how to fix it.

[SoleMate]

I've accepted that nothing but her can give me that rush when I'm running that pushed me to the next level. The only way to compensate for that is to train even harder, although that doesn't solve the problem because I'm still not running 100% no matter how hard I work.

 

You know, I sometimes think that physical training is the best use for love affairs gone wrong. I know that when my marriage is not going well, I really pour on the kickboxing and the weightlifting. The more upset I am, the more I lash out with uppercuts and roundhouse kicks.

 

So, don't move on. Stay here, in this place, as long as you choose to. It is your life story and you get to write every page of it.

 

Good luck!

[apiman]

I would use anger to run faster, but the anger is only temporary. I've tried it before and it doesn't give me the same results.

[apiman]

One of my really good female friends thinks I should I call her, but I just don't know. You guys feel confident in your opinion that I should drop it and stop pestering her, so I'm perplexed right now. I know that I won't get much better for track if I don't speak with her, but I just get this nagging feeling that I'm wasting her time.

[SoleMate]

You guys feel confident in your opinion that I should drop it and stop pestering her...

 

I don't believe we said that. Samson said "call her", and I said "I don't see major harm in attempting to pursue a friendship with her, as long as you can keep it in perspective". I don't know what AllyKat said, but even if it was No, that's still 2:1 call her. So give it a try if you like.

 

Just don't turn it into a WWDDFD-style scary obsession.

 

Hasta la vista!

[apiman]

Right now I'm obsessed with her once again, but I would hate for her to think I'm not only obsessed with her but some sort of stalker. It really bothers me because this isn't my own doing per se... if I could forget her and run 100% in track without the rush she gives me, I'd be fine. Unfortunately, that's simply not possible.

[Samson]

I just get this nagging feeling that I'm wasting her time

 

Well, since it doesn't appear that you've been able to be direct with her, your intuition is quite possibly correct. Generally IMHO, females are attracted to decisive men.

[apiman]

What haven't I been direct about with her? I think I know what you mean but I'd like to hear exactly what you're talking about.

[Samson]

What happened after you

 

Tell her you like the same movies and food she does. ask her what she's been wanting to go see and eat. invite her to see it and eat it with you.

 

????

[apiman]

I wasn't able to ask because she was busy and was leaving when I called. She said she would call me back and that's where I'm at now.

[apiman]

I've spent the last half hour gathering my thoughts and thinking of what I'm going to say when I call her, but I haven't gotten very far. I feel like calling and just saying what's on my mind, but then I'll be rambling on with various thoughts and nothing solid to ask her help on. Would I be making a better impression if I called with something structured and specific for her to help me with, or should I just talk to her from the heart? I guess I'm not sure what I want her to help me with because I don't expect her to know what to say. I think I'm going to sound like a dork or something if I don't come across as confident in what I want to say, but I don't know what else to do.

 

While I'm typing this, I'm starting to wonder what I expect from calling her. I know I have to since I can't go on torturing myself from thinking about her constantly, so I'd appreciate if anyone could give me some suggestion as to what I could say / how to say it. I want her to be really supportive and consider talking to me or doing something with me, but I can't go in with that high of an expectation. I don't know, if anyone has an opinion or suggestion, I'd appreciate it. I plan on calling her tomorrow, so I'm kinda pressed for time here.

[silversoulfly]

Ok man, I feel you here. I hope what I have to say will help you.

 

You keep saying that this chic is perfect. You really don't know her very well do you? LOL. The first thing that you need to understand is that nobody is perfect. NO ONE. You are infatuated with this chic, and have built her up in your mind to be something she is not. If you tell her she's perfect, she's going freak out, because she can't live up to unrealistic expectations like perfection, and that will ruin any chance of being her friend, muchless her bf.

 

You also say that you want her to be your friend. You have to stop fooling yourself here. From what I read, it's obvious that you have some heavy feelings for this girl. If you believe that you want to be her friend even if she doesn't want more than that, that's a good indication that you like her as a person as opposed to just an object of lust. However, the "just friends" relationship is an extremely difficult maneuver, because the more contact you have with her, the longer it will take for the infatuation to dissipate. On the other hand, she may turn out to be quite different than what you believe she is, and if that's the case, getting to know her better may help you get over her real quick.

 

Did you actually tell her that you loved her when you went to school with her? Or was I reading through it all too fast? What did she say? Did her behavior toward you change in anyway? Did the flirting increase or stop? I'd have to know more to give a solid opinion, but she may have thought you were only teasing her.

 

 

Like I said, I know what you're going through. I've been infatuated before, and it's torture. You can't let it drag you down though. You said you can't run as fast now, but it's all psychological. You're letting this situation have a negative effect on you. You have to take action or else this infatuation could escalate to a very dangerous level.

 

You are going to call her. You have to call her if she doesn't call you. You have to handle this with precision though. When you call her, don't act like you're calling because you need her advice about something. And don't dial her number if your palms are slick. If you're nervous, she'll sense it even if your voice is steady.You want to make sure that your heart rate is low when you make this call. Everyone has something they find calming. For me, playing guitar usually works (research suggests that people with pets live longer because petting an animal can lower the heart rate). Anyway, you want to sound nonchalant, like you just called to say what's up. You with me? Ask her how she is. This may not get conversation started, so think back now; what was she into in high school? Did she take Art? Paint? Sketch? Write poetry? Play Sports? Grow Chia Pets? Pet rocks? Smoke rock? Ask her about something she's interested in. Women love it when guys take interest in something they're passionate about. If you can get her to talk about herself, that should lead the conversation to other things and get her to feel relaxed talking to you. You have to really listen to her, but at the same time, wait for a good opportunity to bring up something funny that happened when the two of you were in school together. The ideal thing would be anything amusing that both of you can reminisce on and have a good laugh over... like the lunch lady and the school nurse getting caught doing the nasty with the janitor in the principals office. That would be the perfect que to casually tell her that you had a crush on her back then. Emphasis on past tense. This may give you the perfect opening to ask her if she'd like to get together and do something.

 

Ok, so that's my advice on how to handle the situation. Do what you want, but for your own sake, you have to do something. My experience with crushes taught me to make a move as soon as possible. The longer I would wait, the harder it would get to speak to that girl. I'd keep thinking about the negative reaction that I might get, and I locked into that self-defeating mentality. Finally, I'd get to the point where I couldn't stand not knowing if I was missing out on a great opportunity or not. Sometimes the girl felt the same, sometimes I got shot down, but I always felt relieved because the unknown was revealed, and ceased to have power over me. Don't get me wrong though; sometimes it hurt, but that pain was topped off with relief. That's what you need. That's what you'll get if you make your move. Just make it wisely. Nothing over the top. Even if she doesn't want to go out with, you, you'll still feel a weight lifted off you, and sooner or later... well, you'll start noticing how fine some of the girls around you are looking, and find one that will make you forget all about what'shername.

 

ps. I know what you mean about not being able to picture the face... or remember the sound of the voice. You're not alone there. Jim Morrison even wrote a song about it. Of course he was crazy, and I used to be, so you might be crazy too.

 

LOL. I'm just teasing... I'm still kinda crazy! But you should take my advice anyway.

If you have any questions, I'm sure you'll ask... so feel free to.

[apiman]

Thanks for your advice. I completely agree with most of what you said. Here are a few follow up comments:

 

First, I told her I loved her at her 8th grade graduation (6th graders had to help run the event, so I jumped on it). It was so cool because I'm at her graduation where she can be with her friends, have fun, whatever, and she sat and talked with me. Anyways, when I told her I loved her, she smiled and hugged me. Of course, I had been waiting all night and having to leave is what finally got me to say it. So right after that I had to leave. I didn't see her again after that until high school, although I called her on her birthday and whatnot.. she told me I was so sweet and you know, I just couldn't believe this girl was so out of her way nice to me, you know.

 

Second, I understand she is not perfect and know of decisions she has made that make her imperfect. However, the sum of everything I know about her make up the perfection I want in a girl. She's made mistakes, she's not rich, she's a religious, good person, she beautiful, she's really cool and independent, etc. That's the perfection I'm talking about, not the Mother Mary never sinned perfection.

 

I understand that by wanting to be her friend I may eventually want to be more than that, but I'd rather be her friend than nothing at all. It amazes me how much better I feel after talking with her, and I will always regret not talking to her more when she was still here. I feel so stupid for trying to forget her my sophomore year..

 

Next, I like the idea of calling and just asking how she is, but I have to be honest; I don't know that much about her to have a conversation per se. I really don't know any of her interests because I rarely talked to her much other than saying hi and stuff like that. I can ask about college and what she is studying, so I'll probably start with that.

 

The problem I have with asking her to do something is I just don't know if I can bring myself to go see her / do something downtown Chicago, which is where she goes to school. I'd love to and if she asked I would definately go with her, but I just can't bring myself to ask her. I'd really hate to put her in a situation where she feels kinda bad saying no, although maybe she wouldn't mind, I don't know.

 

I think I'll just call tomorrow about getting some more opinions from you and other people on how I should go about it. I'm a little reluctant now to just go all out and express what I'm feeling and going through at the moment for several reasons. First of all, she doesn't know me and would feel uncomfortable having this person tell her all of these things. Second, it may turn her off to speaking with me if I sound like some unconfident dorkish senior.

 

Somebody else told me I could try asking if she would feel more comfortable talking through email, but I'm very hesitant to ask that. I just feel like if I bring that up I may sound like a stalker or something.. I don't know if I'd like giving out my email to a kid who's obsessed with me... you know? I know myself that I wouldn't stalk her or bother her, but I feel awkward for her sake asking that.

 

I'd appreciate anything else you have to say, thanks.

[apiman]

I wanted to edit my post but I'm passed the 20 minute limit.

 

I feel like I have to tell her what I'm feeling, how I know I can't run 100% any more without her, how I'm worried about track, how talking with her even for five minutes a week would give me such a boost of happiness and self confidence, but that just seems like I'm coming off way to strong on somebody who doesn't know me. I have a feeling she'd be extremely uncomfortable if I told her that, but I do you think I should tell her if it's really bothering me? You said to just call and talk about how she is and what not, but I don't know if that alone will do it.. I feel stuck because I want to tell her my feelings, but I don't know if I should with the relationship as it currently stands.

[SoleMate]

that just seems like I'm coming off way too strong on somebody who doesn't know me

You got that right!

 

...I have a feeling she'd be extremely uncomfortable if I told her that...

Yes, she would. She may have heard of John Hinckley's obsession with Jodie Foster.

 

...but I do you think I should tell her [anyway] if it's really bothering me?

Let's see...something's bothering you, so you turn it around, unload your inappropriate feelings on their unwilling target, and make the discomfort hers instead of yours.

 

Think about that for a moment.

 

You know, earlier I said that there's no harm in all this as long as you keep it in perspective. Now I am convinced you are no longer keeping it in perspective. Feelings should only be shared with people who are close to you, and she is NOT close to you. You are close to her only in the fantasies of your mind. Get off this hobby horse before you hurt yourself.

[apiman]

What do you think I should do then? Do you think I'd be better off emailing her or should I just never talk with her about this?

 

I'm saying the following cause I need to think it through somewhere so why not here.

 

If I could solve the problem without ever bothering her again I would. But what is the problem? Well, two months ago I realized she is a main reason why I've achieved so much success in track and cross country. This realization causes me to think about her every time I run. After speaking with her the day after Thanksgiving, when I ran I thought about her, and when I thought about her I felt great, so I ran better. Now, after realizing the big mistake I made two years ago and my lost chance really, the real problem begins. When I run I still think of her, but now I feel sick in the stomach because I missed my chance to be her friend, which in turn makes me run worse. Now, there are two points here.

 

1. If I could forget about her completely I wouldn't feel sick when running would in the long run end up doing better.

 

2. However, I know I can't run 100% without the subconscious rush she gave me, so forgetting about her doesn't solve anything. All it does is take away the sickness, but who cares about that if I'm not running at my full potential? I might as well not even run if I can no longer get to where I want to be.

 

The issue with calling her then is that I don't think anyone can help me solve this problem... what can she possibly say. I know that if she asked me to do something or wanted to be my friend I would get that feeling back I had a month ago and would run much better, although not 100%. Unfortunately, I don't see this happening.

[Samson]

What do you think I should do then? Do you think I'd be better off emailing her or should I just never talk with her about this?

 

Dammit Man GET HOLD OF YOURSELF

 

EMAIL......EMAIL!!!????????????

 

Get off your lazy arse and speak to her in person

 

AND: if you think this is harsh, then wait until your next limp post. Twentysomething women, and I've known more than I probably should, have never impressed me with their attraction to indecisive men.

[apiman]

I want to call her, I'm not being lazy about it at all. Somebody told me that maybe she would feel more comfortable if I talked to her through email, that's why I asked. If you think that's a bad idea, then I'll call, but right now I don't know what to do. SoleMate's telling me to not say what I'm feeling because it'll understandbly and unfairly make her feel uncomfortable. You, Samson, think I should call, but do you agree with that SoleMate said? If so, should I do what you said and call just to talk about how she is? Again, I just don't know if that'll help or not, so maybe I should try it instead of speculating.

 

EDIT: I'm sorry, I didn't realize you said in person. I just don't know, I'm definately not lazy about this either, I guess I'm more afraid of asking because I don't want to put her on the spot; plus, if she amazingly said yes, I don't know how I could go through it without being a nervous wreck the whole time.

 

Oh, and please tell me any and everything that comes into your mind about my situation. I won't take offense to anything because you're probably much smarter than I in this field.