Need advice on a situation

[apiman]

Along with giving me your opinion on my last post, I'd like to hear what you would do in my position. Granted, you don't know everything about the situation, but I assume you know enough. Your help is greatly appreciated right now as I can't really think of anything but this. Also, I live in the suburbs of Chicago, and she goes to school in the city. If the situation arises where I get to go see her, the one road block is getting my dad to let me go alone. I know he'd let me go down in a group, but I don't see why I would want anyone to go with me, ya know what I mean? I really can't tell him I'm going to see a girl... he's just a jag about that stuff.

 

Oh and one more question. If you think I should ask her about herself and talk about what she's interested in, would it be wrong to ask around about that? I know some of the girls who were in her class, and I remember which teacher was her favorite at my school; would I be making a bad move going around asking about her and what she was interested in from other people to give me something more to talk about? I can definately see the creepiness in doing this, so that's why I'm asking your opinion on it.

 

Thanks again.

[apiman]

Silversoulfly, to add to my answer for your question, as soon as I got to high school, this girl started flirting with me every chance she got. I never went out of my way to talk with her, but everytime we crossed paths she would say something.

[silversoulfly]

Hi apiman. I can see the creepiness in asking around about her too (besides, you never know if she's stays in contact with any of the people you might ask, and word could get back to her).

 

I agree with what solemate told you about making her feel uncomfortable. That's why I suggested that you confess the crush you had on her in the past. I don't suggest telling her that thoughts of her make you feel sick to your stomach and all that... at least not yet.

 

After learning some more of the history of your situation, I don't know if it would be wise to confess any feelings- past or present- towards her right away. I still believe you should call her, but try to get reaquainted with her. Catch up on what's been going on with her. Getting her email address wouldn't be a bad idea, but call her as well.

[apiman]

When I call, should I just ask if she wants to do something, or is that not the best way to go at it? If she says no to that.. should I then switch to plan B and ask if she would feel comfortable talking online...? I really don't know since I've already asked her if I could call just to talk, and her response was, "I don't know, I don't really know you so I don't know what there is to talk about"... if I suggest it again and she replies with something similar, would it help to be decisive and mention things we could talk about? You know, like take the initiative and just start asking her about stuff, or if she says no again should I just drop it and forget everything? I'm leaning towards the first one because I have nothing to lose really, so I may as well give it all I got... right?

[apiman]

I have a few more minor questions I'd like to get answered.

 

First, she said she would call me back three weeks ago and never did. When I call, should I say something to the effect of "I know you said you would call but I really feel like talking with you" or should I just not even mention that and go right into asking how she is?

 

When/if I ask her to do something, should I say like "if I'm ever downtown would you want to do something" or should I set an exact time and place of when to get together with her? If I use the first option, I intend on calling back within a week or so telling her I'll be going downtown..

 

I'm still having trouble deciphering how to start off a conversation about herself when she's admittedly uncomfortable talking with me.. I know she would go with the flow and have a conversation with me - she wouldn't say she doesn't want to talk and hang up. I don't know, I guess I feel awkward calling and asking about her when she doesn't know me.

[amerikajin]

>>>I don't know, I guess I feel awkward calling and asking about her when she doesn't know me.<<<

 

Kid, I'm going to help you out on this one. She's basically telling you "Thanks, but no thanks".

 

I hate to be so blunt about this, but think about it. Women usually prefer older men; she's older than you by two years, and even more important, she's in college while you're in high school (two worlds apart - trust me). Since you followed her to high school you could follow her to college if you wish and at least then you might at least be in the ballgame so to speak, but I have to be honest and tell you that I don't like the kind of behavior you've described. Look, we all have crushes from time to time. Some chicks are just hard to get out of our minds, and once in a while I'm all for taking a wild shot in the dark just to see where you get. Calling her out of the blue was okay, but now she has basically told you in two ways that she's not really interested in you the way you are in her (and she knows what's up, so don't try to bulls*** her with being "friends"). First, she told you literally "I don't know what there is to talk about"; and second, she's telling you by not calling you back. There's your answer, and I'm sorry it's not the answer you like, but you can't force a girl to be interested in you. I'm sure a part of her thinks the crush is cute, but if you keep pursuing it while she's telling you to kindly back off she'll soon think you're wacko. Move on to someone more available.

[apiman]

Thanks for your reply. Now I'm confused once again on what to do; you make a good point as to why I should not call, but many other people say I must. This is why I don't like the idea of just calling and asking about her because of what's she said. It's so frustrating because she was so nice on the phone asking about how I was, asking about the surgery I need, etc. It's also really frustrating because I see other people going out with other people, spending their lives with each other, etc., and I just want to speak with somebody on the phone for a few damn minutes.

[apiman]

One of my female friends who is in a relationship talked with me about this today. I told her what you guys have been saying and how I don't know what to do now. She told me that I really should call and just ask again if I can call her whenever I want to talk because it makes me feel better. I don't want her to feel obligated to talk just for my sake, but moreso because she wants to talk. I'll have to make that clear, and if she just doesn't feel like talking then I'll drop it and leave her alone. My friend also agreed that I shouldn't talk about how I'm feeling and just ask her about how she is doing and whatnot. She thinks I should do what makes both of us feel the most comfortable, and she believes talking in person is not it right now.

 

I know if she's already said she doesn't feel comfortable, her mind isn't going to change much the second time I pose the question. However, I might as well give it a shot, right? What do you guys think?

[SoleMate]

Once again, whatever you do, keep it light and non-obsessive. This ongoing shillyshallying has got even ME frustrated and turned off. You're just a kid. I have no idea how close you are to being actually a weirdo, or just a lovesick boy. I also have no idea what awful thing you're going to do to yourself or someone else if she bluntly tells you to leave her alone.

 

Why...of all the people on planet Earth...must you chase this distant, inaccessible one? What's the benefit that keeps you stuck on something like this?

 

Aaaargh...just do it or don't do it, why don't you. And by the way, opinion polls are not the best way to run your life.

[apiman]

The reason why I keep chasing this distance, inaccesible one is because I've already lost it emotionally, and I'm inches away from losing it mentally. The pain I go through every day because of my knees and the inability to afford physical therapy anymore is really making me go insane. I want to run well, but these physical problems are torturing me. If I could just somehow keep in contact with this person, it would help so much in several ways. If she pretty much tells me to leave her alone, it's not going to make me feel much worse than I already do. Therefore, I have much more to gain I believe than to lose by calling her. If somebody else made me feel as good as she does, I wouldn't bother this girl anymore. I really don't want to call because I'm worried I'm just going to upset her, but I really don't have much of a choice now.

 

Fine, I'll quit mulling over it and just call tomorrow. I guess there's no point in delaying the inevitable anymore.

[SoleMate]

The pain I go through every day because of my knees...is really making me go insane....If I could just somehow keep in contact with this person, it would help so much...

You sound like you seriously believe talking to this virtual stranger will solve your physical problems with your knees. That's delusional, so I am afraid I have to say that you are way around the bend as of now. Get yourself some emergency help, RIGHT NOW! First stop, Orthopedics; next stop, Behavioral Medicine (formerly known as Psychiatry). If you can't afford treatment, ask your parents for help, or go to a free clinic.

[apiman]

Nah my dad won't pay for the physical therapy anymore because it's too expensive. Talking with her will put me in a better mood and help me give me that adrenaline that will dull the pain, but I know never speaking with her again will only make it worse. I don't think the psychiatric help will do anything because I know what my problem is and the solution. It really doesn't matter now anyways. I'm losing it when I haven't even called yet, but maybe it's because I know what the outcome will be. I guess anger is the last resort now to help me get through training. I hope none of you become worried that I'm going to do anything irrational, although I am on a short fuse right now. It's so frustrating that just talking with somebody would help so much, yet it probably can't happen.

[amerikajin]

>>>Thanks for your reply. Now I'm confused once again on what to do; you make a good point as to why I should not call, but many other people say I must.<<<

 

With all due respect, the other people are wrong. It would be one thing if you hadn't called her yet, and it was gutsy to give her a call the first time; but I think she's told you once that there's not much to talk about, and to be honest, I think she was letting you down nicely. The next time she may not be so nice, and then you're either going to feel hurt or angry. If she wanted you to keep calling her she probably would have said something like "It was reaaaally nice talking to you. If you are EVER in town come see me. Give me a call sometime." But the cold reality is, she didn't say that, did she? I'm not trying to say this to spike the football in front of you so to speak, but I think it's healthier for you if you take the hints and move on. You've been obsessing about this girl for entirely too long. It's not a good thing in the long run.

 

>>> This is why I don't like the idea of just calling and asking about her because of what's she said. It's so frustrating because she was so nice on the phone asking about how I was, asking about the surgery I need, etc.<<<

 

I think she was nice at first because she didn't initially think you'd be so persistent. When it became obvious what your intentions were, she cooled off a little.

 

>>> It's also really frustrating because I see other people going out with other people, spending their lives with each other, etc., and I just want to speak with somebody on the phone for a few damn minutes<<<

 

Relax. You're in high school. You have plenty of time to fall in love.

[apiman]

Do you have any advice on how I get through running if I can't stop thinking about her? I really don't know what to do there if I never speak with her again.

[Samson]

This ongoing shillyshallying has got even ME frustrated and turned off.

 

Like I said, its been about a week, and I warned you that if you didn't get yourself together, the I wouldn't be kind (like Silver).

 

Your pathetic whining has become more nauseating than I imagined it could ever be, and your posts have lead me to the conclusion that your daddy's right: You haven't the emotional tools to ride the train into town alone, much less date any female (even a girl), particularly one older than yourself. They can be emotional maneaters, my mousey little friend, and you'd better hit the couch, get some meds, and bulk up your emotional fortitude before leaving the house after any real women.

[amerikajin]

Apiman,

 

You just have to trash the whole idea. You were doing fine until you started having these weird dreams. The truth is, though, even with these fantasies running around in your head, you CAN still control yourself. You can't always control how you feel, but you can control how you react to it. The easiest thing to do is to find another girl rather than obsessing about one from your past, particularly when there's no connection there.

 

Look, I'm always careful about going down this road with people because I'm not qualified to say who does or doesn't need counseling. But you should at least be open to the idea, I think. It sounds like you're having a hard time dealing with some personal setbacks in your life, and they're hitting you at a crucial moment in your development as a man. Someone more qualified than a loveshack poster may be able to talk with you and allow yourself to get some things off your chest in an environment that's more sensitive to you and your situation, and takes your needs into account specifically. And no, seeing a counselor doesn't mean you're crazy. It just means that maybe you're asking someone to help you see things in yourself that you yourself can't see.

 

Of course, since you still live under the supervision of your parents, they, too, have to be involved in this decision. It might not be a bad idea just to open up to them if you feel you can, though I know how it can be trying to talk about this stuff with parents sometimes.

[apiman]

Alright, well I'll give an update for anyone who cares to know.

 

I am sure now that I only want to forget this girl and run well. If those two things happen I will be fine, but after the past few days, I'm quite unsure the latter can happen. Long story short, I understand that it's pointless to try and become a friend or more with this girl who has her own life and does not have any interest in me.

 

However, I knew I couldn't go on torturing myself as I unwantedly think about her almost all the time. It was hurting me in every aspect of life, but I also knew that my friends / other people have done nothing but made it worse. I had really tried to avoid contacting her and get help from other people, but it just didn't work. So I decided today to call her and tell her my true intentions - I'm not calling because I want to go out with her; I just feel like talking with her is the last option. I felt much better after talking with her last time, so I might as well give it another shot.

 

Anyways, so I called her today and asked if / when she had time to listen to me. Man, I get speechless thinking about this, but she's just so great to talk with on the phone, and hell it was only for a few minutes. She told me exactly what she was up to this week and said I could call her tomorrow night. It was kinda amusing because she was in the library so she was speaking in a low voice, but she started asking what was wrong and all. I would have spoken to her then, but I could just barely hear her so I said I'd speak with her tomorrow.

 

If you have any opinion go ahead and say it, but I'm really just posting what I've decided to do, not asking for whether this was a good idea or not.

[amerikajin]

For f*cks sake, Api! She's trying to let you down easy. If she wanted to talk to you she would have.

[apiman]

Look, she doesn't have a problem listening to me if I have something specific I need to say, and I definately do. There's nothing wrong with doing that. I told her if she felt uncomfortable it's fine she doesn't have to talk with me, but she said it was fine. Besides, what does it matter now? I either go through hell the next few months not speaking to her, or I take a gamble and maybe feel a little bit better.

 

Look, I may not be able to convince you, but I know that she wants to help if she thinks she can, that's why I'm doing it. If it was pointless and she didn't care, I wouldn't do it.

[amerikajin]

You can bulls*** yourself but you can't bulls*** me. You're not hoping to be just friends with her; you're fantasizing about her and hoping this "friendship" - whatever it is - can blossom into something else, and I'm telling you: drop it.

 

>>>I either go through hell the next few months not speaking to her, or I take a gamble and maybe feel a little bit better.<<<

 

Pathetic. What are you going to do when she gets ugly and tells you she doesn't want you bugging her anymore? What are you going to do when she sees that you're calling and stops answering her phone? If you're going through so much hell over a woman who doesn't want you back, then you need to find other women. And if you can't do that on your own, then you need help.

[apiman]

>>>You're not hoping to be just friends with her;<<<

 

What? I don't care anymore about being her friend. I want so badly to just drop it; trust me, I don't want anything that she doesn't. I'm not calling because I want to talk and get to know her better, not at all. I'm calling because I want to see if telling her what's bothering me right now will help me like it did after Thanksgiving.

 

I could understand your point if I really was still obsessed with her and want her to be my girlfriend, but that's not true anymore. I'm confident that talking with her tomorrow will greatly help me. That's why I decided to give you an update rather than ask if I made the right choice or not. You obviously don't know what I'm feeling about the situation, so understandibly your advice is not helping.

 

She isn't going to tell me off and demand I leave her alone for several reasons. The most important is that I've made it clear that my intention is not to be somebody important in her life. She understands this and wants to help however she can; anyways.

[amerikajin]

>>>What? I don't care anymore about being her friend. I want so badly to just drop it; trust me, I don't want anything that she doesn't. I'm not calling because I want to talk and get to know her better, not at all. I'm calling because I want to see if telling her what's bothering me right now will help me like it did after Thanksgiving.<<<

 

She's not your therapist. I think you need to see a real one.

 

>>>I could understand your point if I really was still obsessed with her<<<

 

Wake the f*ck up! You ARE obsessed with her!! You wouldn't be writing on these boards and torturing yourself if you weren't. Like I said, you can tell me whatever you want, kid - I don't care. I know the truth. I've been around on this planet and seen enough of these things to know that you're simply in a state of denial, but what you feel is very real. You need someone to help you deal with these feelings on your own. She can't do that for you, nor should you put her in that position.

 

>>>and want her to be my girlfriend, but that's not true anymore.<<<

 

Wrong. You do want her as your girlfriend, but you understand that the chances of that happening are slim to none. The problem is, you're still holding out some kind of hope that if you keep trying she might one day have an awakening. I have no doubt that she's a nice person, and in her own way, I think she does feel empathy for you; but you have to be careful not to confuse her goodwill and compassion for mutual feelings of romance or anything other than it really is.

 

>>> I'm confident that talking with her tomorrow will greatly help me.<<<

 

Yeah, until you hang up the phone and realize you're no closer to your dream than you were before. So you'll try calling her again, and try, and try...where does it end?!

 

>>>That's why I decided to give you an update rather than ask if I made the right choice or not. You obviously don't know what I'm feeling about the situation, so understandibly your advice is not helping.<<<

 

The next update I want from you is that you've regained control of yourself.

[silversoulfly]

Thanks for the update, Apiman. I was wondering if you'd done anything about this yet. I've not posted here because I have no more advice to give you now. I put in my thoughts even though it might have been better for you if I had not. Never-the-less, it doesn't matter what I think, or what any of us think, because it's up to you to decide what you need to do. As long as you aren't thinking about harming her or yourself--and I'm pretty sure you're not-- I say, do what you think is best. You can't rely on the opinions of all of us, because for one thing, we're not getting the whole story here--just part of half of it--and secondly, and most important of all, you need to think for yourself. Just think before you act, because everything we do has some consequences.

 

About calling her and telling her your true intentions.... I'm not sure what you meant by that. I'm confused about what you want now. I hope you know. Best of luck to you....

[apiman]

Thanks for the reply. I told her specifically that my intention for calling is not to become her boyfriend or anything like that. I'm calling because nobody else has really helped me and since she made me feel better last time, I figure I should try talking with her again. I think she felt uncomfortable with me as soon as I asked if I could call just to talk because she wasn't sure why. Was I trying to become her boyfriend, did I want to start a relationship with her? I can definately understand how that would concern somebody who really doesn't have time for that. I figured that if I made it clear that I'm not obsessed with her anymore and don't intend on asking her out, she may feel a little more comfortable speaking with me. I left the friendship possibility open in case that would ever be possible, but I'm not going to push it since it's not a big priority for me per se. If that happens, it happens. If not, that's fine too because by the time college comes around in the fall, I'll have all but forgotten her.

 

There really is no point in talking about this since I'm not looking for help, but I feel like typing this out anyhow. I already feel great after talking with her, and nothing important was even said between us.. I've got a bit of that rush I used to feel, but I'm also aware that, like a drug, it will wear off. I just hope tomorrow's call works out like I think it will.

[amerikajin]

Way to go, silversoulfly. Just fill his mind with more useful advice on how to keep deluding himself into thinking everything's okay when the facts clearly tell us otherwise. I've got nothing personal against this guy, but at some point, you have to call a spade a spade. He's going down the wrong road.