Wife of an "Alcoholic?"

[stuckinoz]

I have a question for either "moderation drinkers" or " recovering alcoholics"

 

Scenario goes like this - My husband for about 5 years time - used to come home drunk every single night. Lie that he'd been in a bar during the daytime hours. Pass out around 5:30 or 6:00. (he was / is a "daytime" drinker - visiting several bars because he knows the bartenders & his time during the day is his own - for the most part)

 

I left him for 2 years -because of this - we, I thought, had resolved our issues & have been working on the marriage since about April of this year.

His drinking has gotten WAY better. The times he comes home drunk now during the week are fewer & far between. He works out of town now - a lot & during those times, he isn't drinking (One place is a dry county) - or isn't drinking much at all.

NOW........it's the holidays & he's home. Today is the first day back to his "normal life/job" & he's already phoned me today & is slurring his words. I asked if he'd been drinking & he said NO!

Since this isn't my first rodeo - I can pretty much tell if he's lying about it or not.

 

Also, since it is the holidays we've been out with our friends & when he starts drinking he doesn't stop. (For instance over the course of 1 1/2 hours he consumed 2 - 22 oz. Jeremiah weed & waters (heavy pour) / 2 large shots (bombs) with red-bull & 2 jeager shots.......that is a LOT of alcohol in a short period of time)

 

Here's my question..............How can someone do better over a long amount of time & then within a day or two go right back to the way things WERE?

[Art_Critic]

Your husband sounds to me like he is most definitely an Alcoholic.

 

Remember that to an Alcoholic 1 drink is too many and 1000 is not enough.

 

A drunk cannot not drink or not get drunk for long before he is right back at his normal drinking pattern.

 

He sounds to me that he is in need of an intervention and get him into treatment of some sort..

I'm never one to push AA even though I'm a member myself.. But it sounds to me that he could use the help of Alcoholics like himself.

 

Call your Local AA chapter and speak with a 12th stepper about where your next steps lie..

 

He will not get better while he is continuing to drink at this point in his life..

 

It would also help if you went to some Alanon meetings to hep you understand on how to improve your life all the while having an Alcoholic in yours.

Edited December 28, 2009 by Art_Critic

[stuckinoz]

Well AA is out of the question - he doesn't think there is a problem. Especially since he does go days without drinking (only when he's out of town in Arkansas - dry county) - or even days with just one or two glasses of wine at dinner.

I'm just frustrated because I don't understand what would make someone who has done so well - better - over the course of the last 7 months & now all of the sudden is back to his old habits.

He knows its a deal breaker for me. It infuritates me when I hear him slurring his words, not hearing well (apparently drinking affects his hearing too) I just want to S C R E A M!

[You Go Girl]

He doesn't think there is a problem. Ergo, he never thought there was a problem. He acted in ways that he thought would bring you back, but never addressed the underlying issues, and never did it for himself--he did it for you.

That is a recipe for disaster.

 

My H is an active alcholic that believes if he can make it once a year for an entire week without alcohol and without DT's shakes then he is ok. He doesn't understand what an alcholic is either.

 

Alcholism is a state of mind! It's not just when they are drinking! When they aren't, and the underlying issues are still there--he's a dry drunk. Google 'dry drunk'.

[JackJack]

You stated this is a deal breaker for you, so with that being said you need to do just that. A alcoholic doesn't really care what is a deal breaker or not, they are more worried about getting there next drink/fix.

 

You can not fix him, but you can fix you. If this is something you are no longer going to tolerate, and personally you shouldn't have to, then you need to do whats best for YOU. Detach with love, and go about your business, he will get help if he truly wants it. But do not wait aroudn in hopes he will change or get help, it may or may not happen.

[viennawaits]

He is an alcoholic. Just get out. H used to tell me "I'll only drink beer" or "I will only drink on this day or that day". Doesn't matter!

 

For an alcoholic, "One drink is too many..... 100 is never enough"

[CarrieT]

My Ex would do similar things; only drink cider (4%) alcohol in the morning, before switching to hard alcohol at 3:00 in the afternoon.

 

My mother was the same with my Dad; she would stay sober for six to seven months at a time and then binge.

 

They never saw the problem. Ever. And the problem is NOT with you dealing with their issue -- it is their problem and how you choose to react to it; accept it or not.

[stuckinoz]

Here's an update on the situation - & I find this REALLY interesting.

 

He has been working out of town & it's a 'dry county' - So he can't just go park himself on a barstool in the afternoon OR go to the liquor store whenever he wants to AND he is in an apt. with 3 other guys. 1 is our son & he doesn't drink (anymore) -

SO - He's sober when he's out of town. Completely. I have coherant conversastions with him. He never slurs his words. He's been gone for 10 days at a time.

 

BUT the minute his butt gets back home - He's back to the old routine.

 

He doesn't get drunk every day - BUT he does drink everyday during the day. Whether it be a beer/vodka at lunch or whatever - He still has THAT DRINK.....

 

WHAT THE HECK is that all about anyway???

[stuckinoz]

Well, I guess I just don't get it.

How it's possible to NOT drink for an entire week & then just start back with old habits of daytime drinking. The way I see it....If you can control yourself THERE - Why can't you control yourself HERE?

Which goes back to my original "theory" on 'drinking'- If you WANT to NOT drink, you can. YOU (meaning my husband) just choose to drink. It's a CHOICE, not a disease as most think. Yes, I know that several sites, testing, etc. have been done to 'prove' that alcoholism is a disease. I just don't buy into the 'theory' in my situation.

[Clep]

Well, I guess I just don't get it.

How it's possible to NOT drink for an entire week & then just start back with old habits of daytime drinking. The way I see it....If you can control yourself THERE - Why can't you control yourself HERE?

Which goes back to my original "theory" on 'drinking'- If you WANT to NOT drink, you can. YOU (meaning my husband) just choose to drink. It's a CHOICE, not a disease as most think. Yes, I know that several sites, testing, etc. have been done to 'prove' that alcoholism is a disease. I just don't buy into the 'theory' in my situation.

 

I see what you are saying here. My ex is an alcoholic. He went to rehab and was wonderful when he came out. Since it was only one month though the "ism" part of the alcoholism was not addressed.

 

I too could not see it as a disease. It was explained to me like cancer was a disease, but cancer is not something we can stop or control ourselves so that didn't cut it for me. It was finally explained to me in a way I could understand.

 

An alcoholic can choose to take the first drink or not. Once they do, the disease of the mind takes over...the obsession to drink. Sometimes they can go a week or a month or a year without drinking, but the obsession doesn't go away. If an alcoholic is working a strong, honest program of recovery for themselves and do not choose the first drink, they can work on the "ism" of alcoholism and continue to stay sober and be of sound mind.

 

I know several fully recovered alcoholics who have remained sober for thirty years or more, have wonderful marriages and families, and are all around very successful people.

 

It sounds like the A in your life is doing what he thinks you want out of sheer willpower, but that can't last long as the obsession to drink eventually takes over. I believe when he is out of town he probably does stay physically sober, but probably thinks about drinking every day he is gone.

 

For me Al-anon was a way for me to regain my life and sanity even in a situation where living with an active alcoholic. It did wonders for me. The only requirement is that the drinking of someone in your life is causing you grief regardless of whether the other thinks he is an alcoholic or not.

 

The other thing that was very helpful for me was to get an AA big book and read the part to the wives and really everything but the stories in the front. I learned how an A thinks and it allowed me to work my steps and program so much better. I also go to a big book study weekly for sixteen weeks where alcoholics and al-anon members are both present.

 

I hope you can find a solution to aid in the difficult situation you are in.