He was mine first - My first love found me...

[jennie-jennie]

It really, really is.

I don't know your full story, but I did see a post referencing that he was your high school sweetheart.

Are you also long distance? Do you see each other? Is he happily married? Or just staying for kids?

 

Yes, we are long distance. Yes, we see each other, but there are long time periods in between because of the long distance. We keep in touch through the phone and internet daily for hours.

 

He thought he was happily married when he contacted me again, but has realized through our relationship that their relationship was lacking in some aspects. He has a bunch of kids, and is a very responsible man, a good guy, so it has been hard for him to reconcile with having an extramarital relationship.

 

He is finally contemplating divorce, but it is still to be seen if he ever gets there. Regardless, I enjoy our relationship and would not regret it even if it ended today.

[JoyDevine]

Regardless, I enjoy our relationship and would not regret it even if it ended today.

 

I was headed here. I was justifying it to myself because of the social isolation. "I need friends." That's what I kept saying. I thought we could be friends.

 

To be honest, I would probably be in this position if I hadn't found this board.

 

 

If your MM had never contacted you again, would you have searched him out?? probably not.... just like you let him go all those years ago, and did not die, you can do it now.

 

No. I googled him once a few years back but that was it. I never really searched.

 

The more contact you have with him now, the harder it will be to let go. and it doesn't have to be forever... maybe someday five or ten years from now, when you look back fondly on the 'childhood love'. you will be able to talk to him again.. just from a less vulnerable place....

 

It took 3 or 4 tries to get to NC. I actually think I wanted to be talked out of the first few - and he did. The last time I told him not to try to talk me out of it. He didn't.

Then I was so sad that I got angry. So I wrote him an angry email "how dare you put me in this position!" basically. He wrote back that he was deeply sorry and he hopes I can move on from it.

So then I wrote back apologizing for not marrying him. And that was it.

 

Sometimes I think well maybe if I find someone then one day, we can be friends. But falling in love with someone else seems impossible.

[JoyDevine]

 

i know you said that "he has been looking for you for the past ten years"... do you really believe this? If he really wanted to find you that badly, it wouldn't take ten years- I mean given the internet, etc. someone can be found in a matter of minutes ( if someone really cares to look)...it so easy to find someone nowadays that the "been searching for ten years' story kind of sounds a little off.

 

He hasn't been looking for me for 10 years. I think since maybe '02. And I don't think it was a constant search more like thinking, looking a little.. thinking some more..

And I haven't had a land line in years. I know I was hard to find. He ended up calling my mother!

I have some people from my past that I've done that with. You wonder about them, maybe google them... a few years later you wonder again.

 

I have no reason to doubt that he's looked for me for awhile. Or that he loves me.

 

I know he tells you that he is "unhappy' and 'only staying with her for the kids"...

 

He hasn't told me he was unhappy.

(I assumed he was - when I met her and saw the two of them together I didn't think they'd last 6 months.)

He did say he's with her because of the kids though.

[Meaplus3]

You really saved yourself so much heartache by ending things. You should be proud of yourself.

 

Mea:)

[Chingaling]

I am going to chime in here too...

 

I have been in contact with my first love for the last twenty years...he found me after his divorce, but I was married with two small children. We met for "lunch" and that was enough to bring it all back. Since then we have been in contact by phone, by letter (back in the day!), then email. Good thing he lives a thousand miles away, or there would have been trouble from the get go. I see him when he get back here occasionally, and much to his credit, he has always been respectful of my marriage. An emotional affair? Oh yes, all in all about 35 years worth!

 

Things have now changed in my marriage. My children are grown, the marriage has broken down, and I am ready and planning to leave. After all this time, all the pain and the longing, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

My advice... be very careful when an ex calls... the feelings are totally overpowering and it is so difficult not to go there....

Edited December 29, 2009 by Chingaling

[fooled once]

I am sorry, but he isn't looking to start a new life with you.

 

He is bored in his marriage.

 

He obviously gets on with his wife way more than you think - he has had at least 2 children with her. That means they have had sex.

 

I am willing to bet they have had sex more than twice

 

There are not 3 people in his marriage; he isn't focusing on you and waiting for you. I know you want to think that - that he really hasn't had a life without you.

 

He has. He has had children and gotten married and you won't convince me he got married and stayed married for his parents or his culture. That is hogwash in my view.

 

You seem to only be remembering the 'good' times with him. People grow up and change. He has. You need to too. You can't go back to what you once had. You two are NOT those same people.

 

Do not contact him anymore. Do not take his calls or emails. Delete the emails or texts.

 

Focus on getting OUT and living your life. You are right that life is too short - it is too short to sit on a computer or a phone with someone who 'belongs' to someone else.

 

You may have 'had him first', but she has him now.

[JoyDevine]

..... After all this time, all the pain and the longing, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants.

 

WOW!

 

This sounds like a fairy tale, happy ending.

(I'm standing firm - not going to go there but this really does give me hope.)

[JoyDevine]

I am sorry, but he isn't looking to start a new life with you.

 

And I'm not with him, right now. I was considering a friendship - which I know would turn into an emotional affair - which is why I stopped. I don't know if I mentioned it - but I actually don't want to break up his family.

 

There are not 3 people in his marriage; he isn't focusing on you and waiting for you. I know you want to think that - that he really hasn't had a life without you.

I don't want to think that. Why would I?? But the fact that he looked for me - that's a little bit of a "focus" don't you think? I have been on his mind.

 

I'm afraid if I ever do find someone, there will be 3 people in my relationship, because he'll be on my mind.

 

 

He has had children and gotten married and you won't convince me he got married and stayed married for his parents or his culture. That is hogwash in my view.

 

People do it all the time. Some people even marry people they don't know! It's called an arranged marriage.

The fact that he only broke down and did it 4 years ago proves to me that it wasn't some romantic gesture. It doesn't matter, he was committed to stay with her for the kids anyway.

 

People grow up and change. He has. You need to too. You can't go back to what you once had. You two are NOT those same people.

Have you ever reconnected with someone from your past? Like a best girlfriend maybe?

The essence of who you are really doesn't change all that much.

 

 

You may have 'had him first', but she has him now.

And I don't envy her one bit. His heart isn't in it.

Before I stopped talking to him we talked about the future.. I know he was getting a little carried away by the moment, but we kind of made a plan to be together - in the future.

I came to my senses.

[Chingaling]

WOW!

 

This sounds like a fairy tale, happy ending.

(I'm standing firm - not going to go there but this really does give me hope.)

 

 

Gosh Joy, I hope it will be happy! I know it is well deserved. The biggest regret I have at this point is not doing it 20 years ago, but I was scared and had two kids to raise, so I stuck with it trying to do "the right thing".

 

I would never "go there" if he was with someone else. The timing is much better now, but it's bittersweet, if you know what I mean...

[JoyDevine]

Gosh Joy, I hope it will be happy! I know it is well deserved. The biggest regret I have at this point is not doing it 20 years ago, but I was scared and had two kids to raise, so I stuck with it trying to do "the right thing".

 

I would never "go there" if he was with someone else. The timing is much better now, but it's bittersweet, if you know what I mean...

 

why bittersweet? Because of age?

 

And at the risk of being accused of being in denial - I think your reasons for staying are similar to my friends. (and I never asked him or wanted him to leave)

 

I'm noticing something from reading these boards - the WOMEN leave their situations to be with the ones they love. The men stay. hmm..

[awkward]

He might be telling you the truth ... that he has thought about you all these years. It doesn't change his situation. Consider yourself lucky that you found this board when you did.

 

If you start to waiver on whether you and he can be friends, read a few more threads here.

[Chingaling]

why bittersweet? Because of age?

 

And at the risk of being accused of being in denial - I think your reasons for staying are similar to my friends. (and I never asked him or wanted him to leave)

 

I'm noticing something from reading these boards - the WOMEN leave their situations to be with the ones they love. The men stay. hmm..

 

Joy, it is bittersweet because I lost it so many years ago and was never in a position where I felt I could get it back without hurting my family..Don't get me wrong... I am not proud of carrying on an EA for so long. If I was to leave and just get a place of my own my husband would be hurt, but not as hurt as if I left him for someone else. My children understand and support my need to leave this marriage - they can't believe i didn't do it sooner - so I am not leaving particularly to be with him...but this may be my one and only chance, and I am going for it...

 

Please please leave your ex alone .... you have no idea yet what a torch you will carry ... it will consume you and weigh you down. Find someone you truly adore that isn't attached... and don't look back!

[Lovelybird]

The soical phobic caught my eyes. Sometimes our mind and heart deceive us, especially concerning love matters. I think married men will pray on women who have relatively isolated lives, lack of friends and strong support systems. Because if one is isolated from others, her emotional needs will heavily depend on the one whom she can relate to, therefore she is an easy target for being controled and manipulated emotionally. When one is isolated from others or cannot relate to others in a deep level, most of time she will confuse the emotional need with true love, and take what she shouldn't take, such as being a OW.

 

Codependency and true love are obviously very different. Maybe you really do love him, and want to believe he is a nice decent guy. But, focus on his act not on your wishes and believes. Maybe he is a relative good guy who just want extra love for himself and who make mistakes just like others, but if you agree to be his OW, you are an enabler who encouraged his weakness and sinful side, that is not love, and will push him further to his irresponsibilty and unfaithfulness, and you will NOT like yourself very much, and probably will isolate yourself more from others. Your decision can be a line divide earth and hell.

 

If you are a social phobic, then learn to develop your ability on this area, rather than depending on him for deep emotional connection. Only when you are free, you can love; a slave cannot really love.

[NoIDidn't]

After one too many arguments and a couple of kids, most guys think back on their previous loves and relationships. They fondly remember "the one that got away" for whatever reason, and wonder what she is up to.

 

Every now and then, they might even ask around about her a little. Discuss her with friends that knew of their relationship too. Anything to create a buzz that might get back to her.

 

Sometimes its innocent remembering, well, innocent in that they really want nothing to come from it. And sometimes, well, its not so innocent.

 

And childhood loves are the most dangerous. They are the things that Facebook, Classmates, and Reunion (dot) com divorces are made of.

 

Tread carefully. Being socially phobic, not having many friends, and single can be a dangerous combination for any woman when it comes to men. But make that guy a married guy, and you might as well just tie yourself up in a bow!

[jennie-jennie]

People grow up and change. He has. You need to too. You can't go back to what you once had. You two are NOT those same people.

 

Have you ever reconnected with someone from your past? Like a best girlfriend maybe?

The essence of who you are really doesn't change all that much.

 

I can testify to this. It went 31 years between the time we were highschool sweethearts to when MM contacted me again. We fitted each other even better than I remembered. Not only did I realize that the essence of MM had not changed all that much, but I realized that in spite of all my life experiences I was essentially the same person as I was back then as a 15-year old.

[JoyDevine]

I can testify to this. It went 31 years between the time we were highschool sweethearts to when MM contacted me again. We fitted each other even better than I remembered. Not only did I realize that the essence of MM had not changed all that much, but I realized that in spite of all my life experiences I was essentially the same person as I was back then as a 15-year old.

 

Exactly.

And on top of that, I have a frame of reference now - I can compare our chemistry to other relationships I've had. I didn't have that then because there had not been anyone else.

Nothing else compares.

[JoyDevine]

Joy, it is bittersweet because I lost it so many years ago and was never in a position where I felt I could get it back without hurting my family..Don't get me wrong... I am not proud of carrying on an EA for so long. If I was to leave and just get a place of my own my husband would be hurt, but not as hurt as if I left him for someone else. My children understand and support my need to leave this marriage - they can't believe i didn't do it sooner - so I am not leaving particularly to be with him...but this may be my one and only chance, and I am going for it...

 

Please please leave your ex alone .... you have no idea yet what a torch you will carry ... it will consume you and weigh you down. Find someone you truly adore that isn't attached... and don't look back!

 

You do realize, that if your OM had followed that advice you wouldn't be where you are now right?

 

Did your OM have relationships while you were involved? All those years? Do you think you were a "cake eater" where he was concerned? Do you think you held him back from anything? Did you ever feel guilty where he was concerned? Curious (nosy)

 

(And I'm still not going there! Not now)

[fooled once]

And I'm not with him, right now. I was considering a friendship - which I know would turn into an emotional affair - which is why I stopped. I don't know if I mentioned it - but I actually don't want to break up his family.

 

 

I don't want to think that. Why would I?? But the fact that he looked for me - that's a little bit of a "focus" don't you think? I have been on his mind.

Actually, no. Many people google people from their past. Doesn't mean they have spent years pining for someone

 

I'm afraid if I ever do find someone, there will be 3 people in my relationship, because he'll be on my mind.

 

People do it all the time. Some people even marry people they don't know! It's called an arranged marriage.

The fact that he only broke down and did it 4 years ago proves to me that it wasn't some romantic gesture. It doesn't matter, he was committed to stay with her for the kids anyway. Don't recall saying it was a romantic gesture. He could have chosen to never marry her but live with her. There was no gun to his head to force him to marry her, was there? Oh, but you wouldn't know that because you weren't there when THEY made the decision to marry.

 

Have you ever reconnected with someone from your past? Like a best girlfriend maybe?

The essence of who you are really doesn't change all that much.

 

Of course I have. But I am NOT the same person I was at 16. I have grown, matured, married, had a child. I feel differently about things/people as a 'older' adult, than I did as a teenager. I mean, who doesn't? Aging normally brings about maturity and different views on things. I may not 'click' with someone I knew at 16 that I would now. We CHANGE. I don't understand how people can think differently. My tastes have changed - in foods, men, activities, etc.

 

And I don't envy her one bit. His heart isn't in it. You don't know that as fact. You only know what he is telling you. He knows you still have a thing for him. He isn't going to tell you he loves his wife with everything in him, that he looks forward to the end of the day when he can lay in bed with her in his arms, etc.

 

Before I stopped talking to him we talked about the future.. I know he was getting a little carried away by the moment, but we kind of made a plan to be together - in the future.

I came to my senses.

 

I stand by my thoughts and views. If you have chosen to let go of this, that's great. But something tells me, you will continue to pine over him and won't let yourself move forward in life, in love. I could be wrong, but the title of this post said it all to me.

[JoyDevine]

I don't want to think that. Why would I?? But the fact that he looked for me - that's a little bit of a "focus" don't you think? I have been on his mind.

Actually, no. Many people google people from their past. Doesn't mean they have spent years pining for someone

Are you trying to say he's lying about this? For what end? So that he can engage me - this person who he has no feelings for whatsover - in some sort of overseas emotional affair - even though he has no romantic interest in me.....?

 

This is a little pointless and silly to argue. The fact that he told me he's been dreaming of me for years could mean that there's been some "pining".

Sometimes the simplest explanation really is the correct one. And not everything is a lie.

 

You don't know that as fact. You only know what he is telling you. He knows you still have a thing for him. He isn't going to tell you he loves his wife with everything in him, that he looks forward to the end of the day when he can lay in bed with her in his arms, etc.

I don't "still" have a thing for him. I fell in love with him all over again. He's just been a nice memory all these years. (and I was honest about this with him)

 

And wouldn't the sort of man you described be too busy blissfully lying in his wife's arms to be contacting and sweet talking old loves?

It really doesn't matter how he feels about her though. He's married to her and that's that.

 

 

. But something tells me, you will continue to pine over him and won't let yourself move forward in life, in love.

Yes I will pine. I figure as long as I don't contact him I'm good though. As far as moving forward in love - there wasn't a whole lot going on in that area anyway. If anything, he's made me realize I need to get past this shyness and make something happen.

[jennie-jennie]

You really saved yourself so much heartache by ending things. You should be proud of yourself.

 

Mea:)

 

Just keeping the facts straight: you are going to miss out on a h.ll of a lot of fun, sex and love too!

[2sure]

He blames an unplanned pregnancy for having to commit to this woman.

Then, they have another.

 

He blames his culture and parents for having to marry her AFTER the children.

 

Come on. He is all at the same time portraying himself as a victim of circumstance and as a hero for doing the right thing. If you have read here, you know this is typical. Just as typical is a MM reaching out to someone who he knows is vulnerable. We hurt so his wife doesnt....how noble and romantic.

 

You are saying he is the love of your life, but he quite clearly and repeatedly through his life's actions has committed himself of his own free will to someone who he is not leaving.

[Chingaling]

You do realize, that if your OM had followed that advice you wouldn't be where you are now right?

 

Did your OM have relationships while you were involved? All those years? Do you think you were a "cake eater" where he was concerned? Do you think you held him back from anything? Did you ever feel guilty where he was concerned? Curious (nosy)

 

(And I'm still not going there! Not now)

 

Ahh, good questions...

 

Agreed, had he just stayed away, we wouldn't be where we are now.

 

Yes, he had other relationships, which I totally supported - because I truly do want him to be happy. I played devil's advocate a couple of times - suggesting that he give a troubled relationship another chance etc., and consoling him when it ended.... You have to keep in mind though that during all this time ours was not a PA in the true sense of the word. Would have been great, but both of us I guess knew that if we went there that it would be the end of my marriage, and as I said, he was respectful at the very least of not crossing that line.

 

Did I keep him from finding someone to commit to? Likely. Very likely. Extremely likely. Yup. Did I lead him on or sabotage any of his relationships - absolutely not. Were we cake eating? No... maybe keeping the door open a bit~!!

 

Would I recommend it? No. It's a great many years of your life if you expect to end up with him... you could be waiting almost forever, especially if you are in the position of "the other woman"... which I techncially wasn't.

 

Having said all that, I know that the heart wants what the heart wants. I hope everything works out for you, and that you keep us up to date on how you are doing ???

[BenThereDunThat]

why bittersweet? Because of age?

 

And at the risk of being accused of being in denial - I think your reasons for staying are similar to my friends. (and I never asked him or wanted him to leave)

 

I'm noticing something from reading these boards - the WOMEN leave their situations to be with the ones they love. The men stay. hmm..

 

Yup. History has borne this out, time and time again. Say what you want, but the percentages are on the side of the fact that women have 'exit affairs', while men just have affairs.

 

Meantime, OP, all I kept thinking while reading your initial post: "coulda, woulda, shoulda."

 

There's a reason for everything. There's a reason it didn't work back then, especially on your part. Your inner voice didn't go through with it before and your inner voice is telling you to stay away from it now.

 

Tricky thing though, there's a part of our sub-conscious that's like a 5-year-old child, it tries to pretend to be our inner voice. It shows up when we're lonely, upset, pissed off, whatever. Like a child, it can reason its way into (or out of) any situation.

[JoyDevine]

Just keeping the facts straight: you are going to miss out on a h.ll of a lot of fun, sex and love too!

 

Thanks alot Jennie! think I'll go call him now...

are you trying to be the little devil on my shoulder?

 

He blames an unplanned pregnancy for having to commit to this woman.

Then, they have another.

 

He blames his culture and parents for having to marry her AFTER the children.

 

Come on. He is all at the same time portraying himself as a victim of circumstance and as a hero for doing the right thing. If you have read here, you know this is typical. Just as typical is a MM reaching out to someone who he knows is vulnerable. We hurt so his wife doesnt....how noble and romantic.

 

You are saying he is the love of your life, but he quite clearly and repeatedly through his life's actions has committed himself of his own free will to someone who he is not leaving.

 

I believe the pregnancy was unplanned.

I believe he is committed to her because she is the mother of his children.

I believe he married her because of his parents - and because he was committed to her anyway.

 

It all makes sense to me. Everyone is so cynical here. I guess I can understand why - I've been reading the stories.

But remember - this isn't some married Romeo, trying to pick up the single girl in the office with sad stories. This is someone I've known since I was a teenager. He wanted to marry me.

 

Are you saying that he really is deeply in love with her but pretended not to be so that I would be his overseas email and phone buddy? - even though by the time he finally married her, the kids were old enough to be in the wedding?

I had my chance with him years ago. When our romantic relationship was over, I didn't expect him to be a monk for the rest of his life.

(of course I also didn't know years later I'd be feeling like this....)

 

I did question his intentions in contacting me. He said he doesn't like losing people. He made it sound like he was seeking a friendship. He sent pictures of his family (all of them). He asked me to come visit.

I think we were both surprised by my feelings.

 

Like I said, it doesn't matter. I'm not going there because for whatever reason, he is married.

[Chingaling]

Yup. History has borne this out, time and time again. Say what you want, but the percentages are on the side of the fact that women have 'exit affairs', while men just have affairs.

 

Meantime, OP, all I kept thinking while reading your initial post: "coulda, woulda, shoulda."

 

There's a reason for everything. There's a reason it didn't work back then, especially on your part. Your inner voice didn't go through with it before and your inner voice is telling you to stay away from it now.

 

Tricky thing though, there's a part of our sub-conscious that's like a 5-year-old child, it tries to pretend to be our inner voice. It shows up when we're lonely, upset, pissed off, whatever. Like a child, it can reason its way into (or out of) any situation.

 

 

Well said Ben...

 

Women do have "exit affairs". You can bet the rent. Me? Yup, I'm banking on it - I will try to reason out of my current relationship (I expect a HUGE battle doing it this way) and when all else fails I will throw out the affair card... sure way to end things once and for all.

 

Am I right?