I'm losing myself to his sexual addiction.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I have posted a few time on LS. I absolutely love the diversity in opinions and great advice. I logged onto this site about a month ago and I visit pretty regularly. I am married to a wonderful man who I just found out is a sexual addict. Of course looking back, all of the signs were there and I should've pushed him into couseling a looong time ago. Everything hit the fan a few months ago (as I stated in a previous post) but hes done things like phone sex, local phone sex, adultfriendfinder, sexsearch, and many others (out of curiousity) then the bombshell was him going to a strip club and recieving lapdances from the same girl twice costing 40$ and lying about it all. (we had an agreement for him not to go to a stripclub with out me & it was the night before our anniversary.) Our sex life is AMAZING and its pretty consistent. We always find time together while raising to amazing children one 4yrs and one 6mos. Our relationship is good!!! but he is very much a sex addict. He recently revealed to me that back in the day (before we were together) he had sex with 2 girls he met on livelinks. he was 18 and 20 and one of them was his first. the other, he cheated on his GF at the time with. I felt sooooo sick to my stomach when he told me this, I feel like I have no idea who he is anymore and I feel incredibly sad for him and the only way I keep from getting angry and grilling him is by telling myself "someone has to be extremely lonely to sleep with someone they meet over the phone at that age." I know he is trying to heal and I am here for him. He says that hes never felt so free in his life. I'm glad he can confide in me. but at the same time I am having MAJOR problems with trust, and I don't act or speak about it because I want him to heal (he is seeing a counselor). Is there anyone out there who has been through something with sexual addiction?? I really need some support. I can't talk to my friends or family about anything because well thats just not right to do to him. how do I start to heal? thanks in advance for any advice.

[Simon Attwood]

There is no such thing as sex addiction, it's a fallacy. A phrase cooked up by the celebrity media, and perpetuated by people with a weak libido or those playing the sexual value game, to explain why their game isn't working.

[sugarmomma]

You say that you saw the flags before you married him? Unfortunately he knows and you knew who he was before you married him. Please don't try to change him now. Just determine how much you can take and then make your exit. He may not change. What would be a deal breaker for you? It wasn't the stripclub without you. How about std's or babies outside the marriage. It happens.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

You say that you saw the flags before you married him? Unfortunately he knows and you knew who he was before you married him. Please don't try to change him now. Just determine how much you can take and then make your exit. He may not change. What would be a deal breaker for you? It wasn't the stripclub without you. How about std's or babies outside the marriage. It happens.

 

Thats the thing, we were in a very serious relationship when little things started coming out here and there. Our son was 4 mos old. and I was 19 at the time, we had just bought a place together.The phone sex thing happened about 3 times where I found out, saw the bills, confronted and went to counseling. He has not had any type of phone sex since Nov. 2007 and I know he feels alot better overcoming that. but we got married in 2008 and I thought things were better but then BAM another incident happens and now I really don't feel like I will ever know the truth or that I can believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

 

He keeps waking me up in the mornings kissing and holding me telling me how much he loves me and everytime he does it I have this lump in my throat. I keep thinking "this is it, hes going to tell me hes had an affair" because this is how my dad told me he had messed up and was leaving for good. He woke me up and told me while I was still in a fog. Sorry I'm rambling, I'm just so confused anymore.

[Simon Attwood]

this is how my dad told me he had messed up and was leaving for good. He woke me up and told me while I was still in a fog.

 

Have you heard the phrase "Emotional Marker", or "Somatic Marker"?

 

This experience would have set up a powerful negative somatic marker in your brain, and all the emotions, perceptions & interpretations attached would flood back when anything reminds you, even subconsciously, of this moment in your life. So much so that your past experience could influence present perceptions.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I know exactly what that means.. but does that influence the way I think in a bad way?

 

I feel so paranoid, like I'm waiting for a call from an OW, or a child to come knocking on our door. Could this be part of that? and how the heck do I get past it?

[Simon Attwood]

Somatic Markers can be positive and negative. It is possible that this experience from your past could be having an effect on your percpetion and interpretation of things in your present.

 

The most effective course of action that I am aware of is Cognitive Therapy.

[tigereyes1428]

i agree that there is no such thing as sex addiction - he is crazy - is that you in the picture - you are absolutely breath taking, stunning - WTF is up with him

 

I think that he just has not grown up - we all have choices in life - most of us when committed in a relationship make a choice never to act on an attraction to anyone else or not to get involved in anything that would hurt the one we love. he is being utterly selfish and there is a good chance he will run this relationship as you will become understandably more and more insecure - its essential that you trust your partner.. DO YOU??

you cant live like this - you need to come down hard tell him its not acceptable he will lose you.. stop reaffirming his bad behaviour by being "understanding" cos its killing you isn/t it?

please pm me

x

[You Go Girl]

My H is an alcoholic and a sex addict. I say sex addict because his compulsion with porn is very strong. Dopamine brain chemicals are released during masturbation, and they are as powerful a drug as any other. Most drugs either release dopomine, or something similar.

 

6 years of lying about he's not doing it anymore. I thought our sex life was amazing too--until I stopped drinking with him. Then I realized that I was doing all the heavy lifting in the bedroom as far as making it fun. He was just riding high off my enthusiasm. I had also noticed over time that often he didn't go for the big O, or had a difficult time keeping an erection. Not wanting the O is a sign that he's already satisfied. Difficulty keeping an erection comes from sex being too average for him.

It's not the sexual acting out--that's just the immature decision that is based on something more serious indeed--

1)He thinks he is entitled to it

2)He thinks he is entitled to lie to you

3)He thinks that it is ok because culturally, he has been told so

4)Women are supposed to be in the dark and not know the secrets of the 'boys club'.

etc., etc., etc. No matter how much he professes self-loathing and guilt, bottom line is that he loves what he seeks. Don't let him play you with the guilt trick.

 

This is about a lack of respect for you as much as it is anything else. This is about a spouse who will not honor your sexual boundaries.

 

I wish you the best...my attempts at true intimacy and an open honest marriage have failed, and they were the ONLY reason I married him in the first place.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Is there anyone out there who has been through something with sexual addiction?? I really need some support.

 

Is he an actual sex addict, or is it that he simply has a different value system than you do (which is to say, he doesn't want a physically monogamous relationship but is afraid to say so out loud)?

 

I'm not suggesting if the answer to my question is yes that it's any less of a problem than if it's no, it's not, but what needs to be done to deal with a bona fide addiction vs. drastic differences in values are two very different things.

[You Go Girl]

Is he an actual sex addict, or is it that he simply has a different value system than you do (which is to say, he doesn't want a physically monogamous relationship but is afraid to say so out loud)?

 

I'm not suggesting if the answer to my question is yes that it's any less of a problem than if it's no, it's not, but what needs to be done to deal with a bona fide addiction vs. drastic differences in values are two very different things.

 

is afraid to say so out loud? Oh boy...his fear is keeping him from having any integrity.

What excuse next?

[sxyNYCcpl]

What excuse next?

 

As I said, I in no way intended to imply that "just" having a different value system makes it less of a problem, merely that they're two different problems. Sounds like you've basically given up, so it may not matter, but if you do wish to solve it I'd suggest you analyze this aspect.

[You Go Girl]

As I said, I in no way intended to imply that "just" having a different value system makes it less of a problem, merely that they're two different problems. Sounds like you've basically given up, so it may not matter, but if you do wish to solve it I'd suggest you analyze this aspect.

 

Interpreting the difference between someone's actions and their words when they conflict with each other is not for somebody else to do--that somebody being me. He should figure it out himself, man up, and state the truth.

I don't have access to his brain, in otherwords. I'm no mind reader.

 

He has said that he doesn't want to swing. He has said that he only wants me. Sometimes his actions say otherwise.

Now if it was simply different value systems--he could have stated so 5 years ago and saved us both a lot of grief. I say a lot of grief because believe me, when I'm with a liar--I make their life hell until they own up to the truth.

It's been 5 years of hell.

[Clep]

Interpreting the difference between someone's actions and their words when they conflict with each other is not for somebody else to do--that somebody being me. He should figure it out himself, man up, and state the truth.

 

I say a lot of grief because believe me, when I'm with a liar--I make their life hell until they own up to the truth.

It's been 5 years of hell.

 

I am hearing you say that it is not for someone to interpret the difference between their actions and words. I couldn't agree more.

 

I am a little confused however with the idea of making their life a living hell till they own up to the truth. I used to do that with my ex. In doing that I allowed him to consistently blame me for everything. The focus was not on his behaviors but on mine and they way I reacted to his.

 

When I didn't concern myself with worrying about his behaviors any longer or the lies my life became easier to deal with. An A lies consistently as it is a symptom of the disease I believe. I stopped trying to determine what was a lie and what wasn't. I just assumed everything was a lie and went on with my life. I was quiet about what I believed to be a lie, didn't attack or try to make him do anything. Very soon there was no one to blame but himself, and he was in a program of recovery within months. I was a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem.

 

I cannot say it is like that for you, just sharing what it was like for me.

[You Go Girl]

I am hearing you say that it is not for someone to interpret the difference between their actions and words. I couldn't agree more.

 

I am a little confused however with the idea of making their life a living hell till they own up to the truth. I used to do that with my ex. In doing that I allowed him to consistently blame me for everything. The focus was not on his behaviors but on mine and they way I reacted to his.

 

When I didn't concern myself with worrying about his behaviors any longer or the lies my life became easier to deal with. An A lies consistently as it is a symptom of the disease I believe. I stopped trying to determine what was a lie and what wasn't. I just assumed everything was a lie and went on with my life. I was quiet about what I believed to be a lie, didn't attack or try to make him do anything. Very soon there was no one to blame but himself, and he was in a program of recovery within months. I was a part of the solution instead of being a part of the problem.

 

I cannot say it is like that for you, just sharing what it was like for me.

 

I don't make accusations anymore, try to figure out what the truth is, or create any drama.

Detachment, I suppose. I'm on the couch more than six months now.

He's tried to start arguments--and I have told him if he wants to talk about anything serious he has to approach me when he is sober.

Naturally, he doesn't want to argue, debate, or discuss when he's sober, so he never brings up anything serious when he is.

This man doesn't have a defense shield--he has a nuclear bunker.

Months of no arguments, no jabs, no belittling whatsoever from me, and nothing has changed--just limbo land.

At this point we are still in the same house so we are civil to eachother.

We briefly discussed AA/Al-anon. We both disliked it very much, and he's catholic and I'm agnostic.

He claims he went to 4 meetings...but you know! I don't necessarily believe that. I went to 7 or 8 Alanon. It works fine for those whose spouses are in the program, or are religious.

For those agnostics like myself, or those like myself whose spouse is still drinking heavily, they have nothing to offer but the broken record advice of fixing myself.

He doesn't want to change anything about himself!

And maybe since I don't want an alcoholic, or a liar, or a porn addict for a spouse--in those ways, I don't want to change either.

In chess it's called stale mate.

 

Sorry to hijack the thread, OP...!

[VENUS1]

I feel your pain. The frustration can bring you to the boiling point. I don't think I ever want to again hear "I made a mistake, I appologized, now move on".

[starmap3]

I agree that "sex addiction" is a fallacy. These are voluntary acts unlike acts performed by those physically addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.

 

I have a buddy who blows his whole paycheck on strip clubs and hookers afterwards. He chooses to do this. He calls it "ants in his pants". If he wanted to he would prevent himself from engaging in such actions.

 

Again, these are voluntary decisions. Just remember that and you have your answer. Good luck to you.

[hagle65]

I agree that "sex addiction" is a fallacy. These are voluntary acts unlike acts performed by those physically addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc.

 

I have a buddy who blows his whole paycheck on strip clubs and hookers afterwards. He chooses to do this. He calls it "ants in his pants". If he wanted to he would prevent himself from engaging in such actions.

 

Again, these are voluntary decisions. Just remember that and you have your answer. Good luck to you.

 

I can't help but notice the poor quality of advice you're getting. It is more addicting than most substances. And do NOT freakout on him about it that will only make him hide it with even more paranoia, at the same time you have to make it clear that you won't put up with it but that you'll help him.

First off are you willing to fight for him? If you are then quit trying to trust him. You can't trust him if he can't even trust himself.

A relationship is not based on trust, it's based on love. I love my kids as much as is possible but there's no way in hell I'm gonna leave the keys to my brand new sports car where they can get them when I'm gone on vacaction.

Secondly does he want to change? If he doesn't he'll never change.

Third what the hell were you thinking going with him to a strip club? You might as well have stuffed some cash in his pants,dropped him off,and said go crazy!

Fourth you need to find Jesus Christ and make him a huge part in your life. James 1:5 says if you have a question ask god and he will answer. That is how I found my church to be true, I asked god and recieved an answer. It has been a huge help in my life. I've only been with one woman my wife and I thank God that I was able to learn the importance of sexual purity before I got into too much trouble.

Edited February 23, 2010 by hagle65

[You Go Girl]

An addiction is any behavior that the person can't stop that is adversely affecting their life, health, or relationships.

So of course sex can be an addiction, just like eating cookies, or playing video games, or doing drugs, or drinking, and on and on the list goes. Some people are addicted to shopping. Some are addicted to cutting their skin.

All addictions are ways of producing happy chemicals in the brain. All addictions are self-medicating to avoid real honest emotions.

So in the definition of addiction--sex fits in very easily as one of the possibilities.

 

Now not all those who pursue sex often are addicts. Some just like to live that way. It all depends on whether it is adversely affecting their life.

[Robbed]

I can't help but notice the poor quality of advice you're getting. It is more addicting than most substances. And do NOT freakout on him about it that will only make him hide it with even more paranoia, at the same time you have to make it clear that you won't put up with it but that you'll help him.

First off are you willing to fight for him? If you are then quit trying to trust him. You can't trust him if he can't even trust himself.

A relationship is not based on trust, it's based on love. I love my kids as much as is possible but there's no way in hell I'm gonna leave the keys to my brand new sports car where they can get them when I'm gone on vacaction.

Secondly does he want to change? If he doesn't he'll never change.

Third what the hell were you thinking going with him to a strip club? You might as well have stuffed some cash in his pants,dropped him off,and said go crazy!

Fourth you need to find Jesus Christ and make him a huge part in your life. James 1:5 says if you have a question ask god and he will answer. That is how I found my church to be true, I asked god and recieved an answer. It has been a huge help in my life. I've only been with one woman my wife and I thank God that I was able to learn the importance of sexual purity before I got into too much trouble.

 

 

This is true. Having the right counsel is important and it can only help you as you reach the road of recovery to a healthy lifestyle and wholesome choices. I understand the addiction one can have to this empty and selfish addiction. We have to be renewed in our minds with those things that lead to help us overcome the worst of habits and traps. For me, I had to limit the amount of time I spent online, on my computer and pretending to research. One must be honest with themselves which is the first step on the road to recovery, and yes having an accountability group or person of who's integrity you know, in order to help.

I once heard a very profound statement from a very well-known personality and his statement was this..."If you don't understand the purpose of a thing, you will abuse it." How does that apply to you and I, very profoundly. Abuse to yourself mentally, physically or in any other manner can be detrimental and only happens because of one of our greatest enemies..."pride." Pride kills, and keeps us from the things that make for sound and crystal-clear thinking. Biblically, this is sooo very true, and as a result, many of us in the course of our lives have seen someone of high visibility fall because of pride. So, without lecturing, having a person to be accountable to is important. Discipline can't be done just by you alone, you need the help of a friend, family or group that understands and can help you overcome.

Here's a little help in the manner of a filter that you spoke of. Check out this link: http://www.covenanteyes.com/

 

I trust that you will find the help you're looking for my friend, and I will sincerely pray for and with you for your success. Best to you, be encouraged and know that you're not alone. I've just recovered from this damaging arena, and you can make just as I have.