Maverick5 Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 OK, here is the story ... On of my friends is currently engaged. She has been going out with him since she was 18, and now at 22 she is engaged to him (and they have a 10 month yo baby girl). The other day she came around to my house for dinner and we started drinking. We flirted a lot during the day (maybe because of the alcohol) and she proceeding to basically bitch about him. This was not in a big way but more little things that irritate her about him. Later that day we began to kiss and kept doing so into the night - kissing, cuddling etc etc I knew this was wrong, but in my eyes I was beginning to see her in a new light. During this time, she started saying things like 'i wish we met 3 years ago', 'why can't we run away together', 'wish this could go on forever' etc. We ended up sleeping together that night - except after the sex she mentioned that 'it just didn't feel right' and we were bad for doing it. The next morning I felt quite uncomfortable around her and she didnt really say much. She said she was fine with everything and how did I feel. I asked her if she had a good time, and she said yes, and we wouldnt make any plans, just see what happens. I havent spoken to her nor seen her since this (3 days ago) The only problem is that now I think about her quite a lot - everyday in fact. I want to ring her and get the lowdown on the situation but I don't want to come across as being a stalker or trying the break them up, as I think she loves him. What I want to know basically, is what should I do? Somehow I get the feeling she would like to be with me, but on the other hand I do not want to push it. I dont know if I want to be with her, but I would definately like to know how she feels (without the BS). Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 What I want to know basically, is what should I do? Somehow I get the feeling she would like to be with me, but on the other hand I do not want to push it. I dont know if I want to be with her, but I would definately like to know how she feels (without the BS). What should you do? You should leave her the #@$% alone! She's engaged. The only reason she slept with you is because she was angry at him, vulnerable, and drunk. Don't read into it, if you gave me enough to drink, maybe I'd sleep with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick5 Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 You know, that is what I thought to, but I think there is more to it then that. I was drunk also, but I wasnt saying things like 'lets run away together', 'why cant things be simple' etc etc you know what I mean? Before we slept with each other I was pretty sure she wanted it all, after the fact however, she cut herself off almost. Like I said the next morning she didnt really say anything. SHe said she wasnt anxious or confused or uncomfortable, but she said she had a good time. We hugged a couple of times in the morning, but it wasnt anything really serious. I did ask her before she left if she was coming over again that night (as she said she was going to the previous day) but she said she had some things to do. Like I said, maybe it was just a one off thing. But just a couple of the things she said makes me feel like it was more .... Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 If she's willing to do this to the man she said that she'd marry, think of how she'll break your heart. This woman can't handle a committed relationship, but don't YOU be the man she realizes that with. Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick5 Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 True, she says she loves him, but I know she is a 'free spirit' - ie. she used to sleep with A LOT of people but she hasnt cheated on him for about 2 years - until now. I dont think I want to be with her in a fulltime relationship, but I just have in my head the things that she was saying. But considering she didnt say much the next morning, I think I will put it down to alcohol. One fact that I did forget to mention, however, is that day that she did come over, she came prepared (condoms) ... so she had obviously thought about it and knew she was going to do something. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 This woman has the morals of a snake. Stick around and you will be mortally bitten. You'd have to out of your mind to want a relationship with a woman who is engaged and who carries on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Caddy Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 You need to leave her alone. And you need to tell her fiance. This is just SO wrong. Besides, no matter how much you like her, ever think that if she started out with you this way, that she wouldn't move on to someone else if the two of you got toegther? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 And you need to tell her fiance I agree. Gentle Reader, you are obligated to tell her fiance what he's getting into. Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick5 Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 OK, here is an update (sorry to keep going with this but I need to tell someone). She came around to my house yesterday, where we proceeding to go shopping (boring!) with another of her girlfriends. The whole time we were out she didnt really say a word to me - sure we chatted briefly about certain things but nothing of any substance. I even isolated myself time after time to see if she would come over and have a quiet word about what happened - nothing! If she did come over when I did isolate myself she would just stand there with me or make idle chatter. We came across a t-shirt in a shop that said 'friendly when drunk' and I made a joke of saying that was her shirt, to with she replied ' so are you' with a small laugh. It is not that I am obsessed with this, but I like to know where I stand with people, but she cant seem to tell me whether it was a mistake or not... Confused :/ Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 She doesn't need to, you know it was. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 You need to step back. She is engaged, maybe she is nervous about it. But, you dont want a woman who is confused...if anything she needs time, not another man! Step back, dont go there. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 All you people who are attacking him because she is engaged. What you think SHE doesn't know this? It is no more his fault than hers. I don't condone cheating at all and I think you should stop your flirting right now. Just think about it. If she does this to her fiance, what do you think she will do to you? btw, I agree that someone has to tell her fiance. He needs to know what kind of 'thing' he is engaged too. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted December 28, 2003 Share Posted December 28, 2003 Who else does she attact to when drunk? Thats what I want to know. It cant be just one! I feel badly for her fiance. What is going on is not right and he may want to reconsider! Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick5 Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 An update on the situation - it seems she is trying to pretend the whole thing never happened. Her fiancee came back on Christmas Eve and I saw them on Christmas Day but she didnt say more than about a dozen words to me all day. I have spoken to her briefly on the phone (when she has rang here) but nothing of any substance. I still haven't had the opportunity to talk to her about what happened. But her attitude has definately changed - she seems to be ringing for meaningless things and also she said that she came around yesterday afternoon (i was not home) and she sounded sad about it. It is really starting to do my head in, as her and her fiancee are never affectionate in public but I think the majority of the reason she stays with him is because of their daughter - he is a nice guy and would do absolutely anything for her, and she has always said that but I remember her saying when this incident happened "I love him, but I am more with him because of our daughter". Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 >>>btw, I agree that someone has to tell her fiance. He needs to know what kind of 'thing' he is engaged too.<<< Uhhhh, no. That's about the last thing I'd do. What exactly does one say to the fiancee in this situation? "Hey I hope you don't mind, but I decided to conduct my own fidelity experiment on your fiance. Sorry dude, she failed." It's simple: leave the woman alone - period. Nothing more, nothing less. Keep a very low profile and whatever happens with those two, happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 If you were the fiance, wouldn't you want to know bout your furture wife cheating on you?? So you can get out before taking those sacred vows? Don't tell me you believer in 'What you don't know, cant hurt you'? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 So now that he's finished being a co-conspirator in adultery, he's supposed to be a love cop? Yes, if I were the fiance I would want to know. On the other hand, I would be pissed at BOTH of them. If he tells him, he might get himself in a royal mess. I'm admittedly being more practical than idealist here. The best thing he can do is stay the hell out of sight - that takes care of all the problems. It's not his business to go rat out the cheating fiance. In fact, nothing they do in their relationship is any of his business, which is why I suggest just completely removing himself from the situation. The more he gets involved, the worse it gets for everybody. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 I never said it would be pretty. Nor did I say that it is the 'best option' but these two have been doing nothing but think of themselves isn't it about time they thought of someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 It's the woman's job to tell her fiance the obvious truth: she isn't in love with him. It's her friend's job to remove himself from the picture. It's the most effective way to remedy the problem. The fiance hears the truth, and our friend here can live knowing that he made one very big mistake, but that he was smart enough to stay out of it after that point. Ratting on his fling buddy may seem like the "moral" thing to do, but it's no more moral than leaving her alone (and that's what counts the most). By spilling the beans, he just gets himself involved in a situation that he has no clue about. He doesn't know why she cheated on him; he doesn't know what preceded the incident; he doesn't know him; and frankly I don't think he even knows his friend that well. He doesn't know s***, and yet people are telling him to get involved, to be the moral compass in this relationship - which is noble, but dumb. Nobility requires a degree of credibility, and he won't have an ounce of credibility in the eyes of the male fiancee. The fiancee's going to be super pissed. Let sleeping dogs lie. Link to post Share on other sites
ziggue Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Originally posted by AllyKat Who else does she attact to when drunk? Thats what I want to know. It cant be just one! I feel badly for her fiance. What is going on is not right and he may want to reconsider! If she says she is mainly staying with him because of the baby then what makes you think she hasn't cheated with anybody else on him before you. She probably keeps these things very secretive and private so know one knows what she's been up too. "Hey I hope you don't mind, but I decided to do my own fidelity experiment on your fiance. Sorry dude, she failed" I agree he needs to know what happened. I would want to know what kind of person I am gonna marry. I also agree on keeping a low profile if it all comes out. Let the situation unfold without coming inbetween the two of them. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Originally posted by amerikajin It's the woman's job to tell her fiance the obvious truth: she isn't in love with him. I said someone. I didn't say that it should be him Link to post Share on other sites
Maverick5 Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Its wierd you know, they have been going out for 4 years. They were friends before they started dating. She was actually dating his friend before dating her current fiancee. I remember asking about her past, and she said she hadnt cheated for about 2 years and then I thought about it - she was pregnant, and now their daughter is 10 months which basically equals 2 years! Therefore I don't think she stopped cheating, but was rather forced to. As for the other big debate, no I am not going to tell her fiancee. We are both to blame, I agree but it is not my responsibility to tell him, and I strongly believe she will not tell him either. He looks after her too well for anything bad to happen, they move into their new house in a month. They might be staying together mostly for their daughter, which is her decision I guess. I still have to talk to her in depth about what happened, and then I guess we can put this situation to rest. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 >>>As for the other big debate, no I am not going to tell her fiancee. We are both to blame, I agree but it is not my responsibility to tell him, and I strongly believe she will not tell him either. He looks after her too well for anything bad to happen, they move into their new house in a month. They might be staying together mostly for their daughter, which is her decision I guess.<<< I'm wrestling with my own emotions right now, so as the saying goes: judge, but judge carefully. I'm trying to be objective here. Okay, here goes: First of all, who appointed you to analyze their relationship? I'm not trying to be hypercritical, but this situation happens all the time with people who get involved in extra-marital (or in this case extra-engaged) relationships. They try to convince themselves that the other guy really isn't good for her or that it's okay because she doesn't really love him anyway. You shouldn't do that. Marriage (all relationships in fact) are personal and private, between the two people who are involved in it. That's one reason (among many) why cheating is so damaging, because it invites a third party into a relationship meant only for two. Trust me, dude: three's a crowd. Now don't take this the wrong way, but...get lost. If you can't control yourself around her, you shouldn't be around her. >>I still have to talk to her in depth about what happened, and then I guess we can put this situation to rest<< No, the best thing for you to do is to not say another peep about it. You're not owed anything. Quite the contrary: you owe the man the respect he deserves by giving him a chance to get a strong footing in their marriage. It's obviously going to be challenging enough for him as it is...why make it more difficult by lingering? Link to post Share on other sites
yogimon Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 I see this over and over and over. the only ironic part, is that I see the women cheating and the men being the victims. Could just be that men dont come on here and talk about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted December 29, 2003 Share Posted December 29, 2003 Maverick, I am still confused why you want a women who is like this Link to post Share on other sites
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