hello all

[liveinhope]

i found this site a few days ago and think its great and have decided to register.

 

i live with an alcoholic who doesnt admit his problem. i have read quite a few of the threads on here and they have been useful and welcome. its somewhere to come where people understand and are suffering from the same problems - unfortunately. i have been involved for nearly a year and a half with my bloke. although i have known him years, but as i have never been this close to someone who is addicted to drink i had no idea how bad it would be and we jumped in and lived together far too quickly. i also had no idea how bad his drinking was and have pretty much been in denial that he can stop ever since. well i say denial, i do know really but dont want to accept it as i dont want to face the fact that my life will be crap forever more if i stay with him.

 

we are the same age (43) and he has been drinking heavily ever since i have known him (about 25 years). he doesnt seem to be showing any physical signs of ill health as yet but of course no one knows what is going on inside do they, unless tests are carried out. he wont even have his blood pressure checked.

 

i know most of the members on here appear to be from the US and i dont know if you go by units of drink there but i would say he has about on average 150 units a week, at a guess. normally 2 bottles of wine per day (minimum) sometimes 3 or 4 then if he is out with the boys anything upwards of 6 pints of beer normally 10 or more then back on the wine when he gets in, although probably only 1 possibly 2 bottles when he gets in. he only drinks after about 6pm when he finishes work. he never gets hangovers no matter how much he drinks.

 

when we were first together i asked him to cut down as i was scared and to be honest pretty pi**ed off about it all as his bad behaviour started before we actually moved into the flat that we had signed the lease for. anyway he said he would give up the drinking and i believed him! yes silly me.

 

not really sure why i am posting this. probably just want to say a bit of my story. i stupidly gave him an ultimatium on christmas day after waiting for him on chrismas eve to come home and for us to go to dinner as i had booked a table. only to get a text message 30 mins beforehand saying 'sorry'. then a phone call 2 hours later, very drunk asking for a lift home! i think not.:mad: he appeared home later all apologetic but it doesnt wash any more. and boy can they turn the tables and make U feel guilty for their bad behaviour!!! all this was new to me. anyway i said its me or the drink. he is still drinking. i gave him to new years eve to make his choice.

 

if it was just the drinking i think i could cope but its the selfishness, the sometimes mental cruelty, downright bloody inconcideration for anyone other than his mates and his drinking that really gets me. oh and the fact that we have NO SEX LIFE. he either doesnt feel like it, is too tired, or it 'doesnt work' (all his words) now this is really the part where i would like advice as all the rest i know about but the sex thing, well i cant seem to find out much about the sex lives of alcoholics. i have read that they have lots of affairs, which would mean they can have sex and want it but he just doesnt appear to have the urge at all. i do all the suspenders and stockings thing trying to get him going but nothing. any advice would be very welcome.

Edited December 29, 2009 by liveinhope

[sugarmomma]

You were wrong to give him an ultimatum. You knew that he drank in such a manner and has been for the last 25 years. I think you are being unreasonable asking him to choose. You need to either accept him the way he is or leave him alone. I could see if he had admitted that he has a problem with alcohol but he hasn't done so. That is the first step to recovery.

 

As far as the sex is concerned there you go again trying to fix him. He is not into it. Find someone else that is. You say he's selfish and cruel and an alcoholic? Why are you still there? Please don't say because you love him. Sorry if I sound harsh but most people who fall for alcoholics think they can change them. Not!

[liveinhope]

i can see where you are coming from that i am expecting him to change. however, isnt a relationship about a certain amount of give and take? he takes i give.

 

i have changed my life no end for him. i gave up a new life in oz, cook him meat even though i am a committed vegetarian and havent cooked it for anyone else in the past and live without a sex life. i think if you love someone surely you can give a little or at least compromise? or else what is the point? there will always be things you dont like about your partner (and they with you) and you either have to accept them or move on but when you make a commitment to someone to share your life together should there not be some give and take?

[sugarmomma]

Relationships should be about compromise but you have to understand that he doesn't believe that he has a problem. I'm just a firm believer in not trying to change people. It turns you into a controlling person that determines their happiness is based on someone else changing. I would just determine how much I could take and then just go from there since it doesn't sound like he wants to compromise. Maybe you should change back to who you were and stop going against your principals (cooking him meat) and see how he likes that?

[laRubiaBonita]

liveinhope- high tail it outta there....

 

make good on the ultimatum and YOU Move- tell him you decided for yourself.

 

this man will not change and you will be continue to be miserable.

[TaraMaiden]

Liveinhope, the most important thing about a problem, is to admit you have one.

The second most important thing, is to decide whether you want to change it.

The third most important thing, is to decide to change it for yourself, and nobody else.

 

You can't fix him, and you can't expect him to fix himself for you.

And by being with him, tolerating it, and quietly protesting and giving him ultimatums, you are basically playing into the game and enabling him to carry on regardless.

 

The time for ultimatums was long ago.

The choices are no longer his (he's made them, don't you see that?) but yours.

Very very simply:

stay -

or go?

 

That's it and all of it.

 

Now.

What's it going to be?

 

Choose.

[strongertoday]

Hi Liveinhope,

 

I am where you are...though my man has cut down his drinking by 75% and honestly tries to make sure his drinking doesnt impact our lives adversely.... although sometimes he snaps and does (took off for 5 days over christmas on a drinking binge).

 

After this christmas incident I had to tell him no more.... No more taking off..... No more 5 day benders.... I also got him to agree to couples counselling.... tho I think we both know the problem but he doesnt want to take sole blame.

 

Does your guy drink from habit? or to mask pain? or loneliness?

 

You cant change your man, he has been this way a long time..... but if he wants to change then he will..... the real question is does he want to. I have never asked mine to compramise by giving up.... he wouldnt...but i have asked him to cut down or drink at different times (not week nights when I have work at 6am).... and generally that has cut him down from 24 cans of beer + vodka a drinking session to 10 beers only.

 

And as far as sex life.... even when my guy is drunk and cant perform he will always be extra interested in keeping me happy..... and when he has sobered up he is more than keen to catch up.

 

The hardest thing is now you have made the ultimatum you really cant go back, without loosing all credibility.

 

sugarmomma has a valid point.... step back from the relationship a bit.... go out.... dont cook or clean for him.... ignore his calls when he has been drinking.... then he might realise you are serious.

 

Will be thinking of you NY eve...... HUGS.... Hope he realises what he has....

 

ST

[TaraMaiden]

Hi Liveinhope,

 

I am where you are...though my man has cut down his drinking by 75% and honestly tries to make sure his drinking doesnt impact our lives adversely.... (. . .). I also got him to agree to couples counselling.... tho I think we both know the problem but he doesnt want to take sole blame.

 

(. . . )

And as far as sex life.... even when my guy is drunk and cant perform he will always be extra interested in keeping me happy..... and when he has sobered up he is more than keen to catch up.

 

 

So, actually, you are NOT where she is....

You have successfully made some progress, slow but sure.... and it seems your man has that loving affectionate streak which makes him at least redeemable in your eyes.

You may have been where she is...

so I obviously hope she can get to where you are.

but on the face of it, and by the looks of it - chances are slim.

[liveinhope]

strongertoday

 

thank you for mentioning the sex thing. glad that in that aea at least things are ok for u. as for my credibility. i dont have any. made too many threats that at the time i really really meant but afterwards go back on as when we break up i go to pieces and cant seem to live without him. i havent been like this with other men. i just dont know what it is about him.

 

anyway, next week i am off to al anon and a coda meeting plus i am going to have some ice skating lessons and get back into my skiing. start the new year with things for me and see how things go. was looking at dry drunks yesterday on the internet and i dont think he would address his problems even if he stopped drinking. he just isnt the type so i need to work on me instead now

 

thanks for all your replys.

[Jade 02]

:bunny:Good luck because you ARE! number 1 when it comes to your life

 

Best wishes:bunny:

[sugarmomma]

Two books that have helped be immensely have been by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" and " The Twelve Step Guide for Codependents". They are both awesome but I would like to suggest that you study them like textbooks.

[You Go Girl]

My H is an alcoholic, but nowhere near the volume of your man. I'm really surprised he isn't dead yet drinking that much. That's really a serious amount of alcohol.

Alcoholics drink because they don't like reality, they don't like their real emotions, and sober life seems boring.

When Alcoholics sober up--they become irritable. Their true emotions bother the heck out of them.

Mine drinks like yours--usually only after work. Sometimes I catch him before work taking a "wee dram" as he so romantically puts it.

 

Until he admits he has a problem you have only the choice of putting up with it or leaving. There are NO other choices.

If you don't want to put up with it--leave. Then you will see if he decides that you are more important than alcohol. If you are important enough--he will get himself some help.

All alcholics need counseling because they haven't matured since they started drinking. Their true emotions are foreign to them and they don't know how to cope with them. With the volume your man drinks--it is going to take a good rehab facility to get that out of his system. If he stopped drinking he could have seizures, even die from one.

Good luck....

[Clep]

Oh I feel for you and what you are going through. I remember my ex drinking tremendous amounts of alcohol, running around with a knife in his waistband, calling me all sorts of vile names, manipulation, lies, defending, justifying, blaming and pretty much every tactic I could think of. It was absolutely terrible and I couldn't see a way out besides leaving him.

 

I ended up learning some vital things that aided me in coming through it. It wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could do about his behavior or reactions, but there was something I could do about my own.

 

I stopped waiting for him to go to dinner for our reservations. I would let him know we were leaving at a certain time and if he didn't show up we went anyways and had a great time. I learned detachment and how to stop worrying about what he was doing. I had a plan a,b, and c for everything. If he showed we would all go, if he didn't I would take the time to do something for myself or children that I couldn't get to when he was around.

 

I remembered that his drinking had nothing to do with me. It didn't mean that I wasn't important nor was all of his selfish behavior directed at me even though it seemed that way for a long time. Alcoholics will sacrifice their own children for a drink and I guarantee they love them.

 

There are two parts to alcoholism. The alcohol and the ism. An alcoholic can be sober for years and still be an ass. The first step is getting sober and the second is work on the emotional side (the behaviors you see), the ism's to retain sobriety.

 

I left my ex's crap to him and concentrated on working on myself removing myself from his addiction. I no longer enabled, allowed myself to be "the reason" he drinks. An A can find any excuse. He has to be ready to quit, but you can do some key things to aid him being ready that are kind of a side effect of working on yourself.

 

My ex said to me after being nine months of being in a strong program of recover, "When I try to control others or other things, I touch my finger to the end of my nose. I remember I do not have control over anything past that and I need to work on myself instead of others".

 

I remember that often now, and every time I am upset with someone else or something else I remember I cannot control it, but can work on my feelings and responses to it.

 

You are not alone.