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“I think I have been too passive.” Now you’re coming to realize that attitude and behavior is not in your favor. As you’ve indicated your W has serious intimacy issues and the MC is F****D. A relationship ideally is a 50/50 partnership that ebbs and flows along those lines. Your current marriage is a friendship – period.

 

In MCI suggested 1/2 hour every night reserved for just us. Her answer, "I'm not sure how feasible it is... Hello, why is she not in bed w/ you throughout the night, are you a leper? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this is not what you signed up for. When you go to a restaurant and they serve a dish you didn’t order, do you send it back? This may not be a great comparison, but it fits.

 

Good luck – keep us informed.

Edited by HeyThere
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You know the funny thing about what you said is that, when I have confronted my wife about sleeping with the boys, she said, "Who have you talked to? Because all my friends sleep with their boys too." And I think to myself, what planet am I living on, this cannot be normal. You mean all these other fathers don't sleep with their wives either??

 

 

What age are these other boys? This is just starting to sound wierd. I see nothing wrong with younger children sleeping with the parents sometimes but not every night and not once they start becomming over 5 years old. One thing I have noticed in some couples, is that when they start becomming lonely in the marriage, they start using their children to replace the spouse. This is extremely unhealthy for the children. I have no idea if this is what's going on in your situation, but if it is, it has to stop. Out of curiosity, is your wife from a differant culture then you?

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Drpepper43, you still have not answered about the MC and whether he/she is helping as she/he certainly hasn't addressed a single thing I pointed out above or challenged your wife to confront or answer those questions.

 

  1. Why can't you find 30 minutes a day?
  2. Why don't you sleep with your husband?
  3. Is there an intimacy issue?
  4. Do you afford time to your marriage?
  5. Where does your marriage rank in priorities?
  6. What do you resent about your husband's activities?
  7. Are you happy with yourself?

We have touched on some of these.

 

30 mins a day: Too many other priorities. Dishes, blah blah blah. Not only do I think "we" should be more important than dishes but I know she does not do housework from 8pm-11pm at night so what is the deal IMO.

 

Sleep w/me: She thinks she is doing me a favor since the kids come up at night and hop in our bed and wake us up. Or that she is a loud sleeper and keeps me up. I keep saying we need to address the issue of the kids coming up - her sleeping w/them just lets them win and the cycle continues.

 

Intimacy issue: I could go on about this for a while, but I will spare you. She thinks our intimacy is great. I think the last few years it's been fairly bad for many reasons. Now, I just don't care any more. Which is really sad and a big red flag in my book. And yes - my non-caring has happened long before I met my new friend, so she was not the cause.

 

Where does marriage rank: What she says: Top priority. Action wise: Below work, the boys, the house, her family. I can give examples.

 

Resent about me: Not doing enough housework. Which is why I did Xmas dinner, etc., I have been stepping it up here.

 

Is she happy? Yes, other than the fact I am not, she is very happy.

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Wow! Some of this sounds like my early years of marriage. I was the passive one. My husband was more aggressive. This set up an unhealthy dynamic in our relationship in which my husband always had his way. When I finally grew a back bone, we hit a very rocky point in our marriage.

 

I'm happy to see you excepting responsibility for bieng passive. By owning this, you can change it. If not for your marriage, then for future relationships. I think you can see that bieng passive and letting the other partner lead all the time, does nothing for the relationship. If your wife is like my husband was, she may put up a fight if you start demanding more and become more assertive. For my husband and I, we finally overcame the rocky point in our marriage. For us, the trick to making it was, wanting to make it work more than anything. This is why, I think you need to first make the decision to stay in the marriage or not. Be very honest with yourself and think exactly of what you can and can't live with. If you want to stay in the marriage, find a counselor trained in MC. Not all counselors are. Then, tell your wife what you can and can't live with in your marriage. Be very, very specific. If you say you need more time with her, she may think an hour a week is fine while you want 10 (actually, happy couples spend around 15 hours each week with each other). If you decide to end the marriage, let your wife know why. This gives her information she needs to grow and lets you end the relationship completely before moving on.

 

By the way, I'm sorry I missunderstood your other post.

 

No need to be sorry and I thank you for your thoughts. It is interesting to see the parallels..

 

You know, in the grand scheme of things, some of our arguments come directly from the passive/aggressive dynamic and they are not resolvable. We both brought family assets to the marriage, we had to sell one, we kept hers. We wanted one or two kids - we went with her choice of 2. We moved to a new house - we went with the specs she wanted. I keep saying, I've given up so much for you. She keeps saying the only thing she can say, How can we make it right from here? And there is no way. I love my second son dearly but every time I see him, I am reminded that my opinion did not count.

 

I know that sounds childish. But it's there.

 

I brought up 15 hours a week (got that from marriage busters) and the look on her face said it all - "are you serious??". We settled on half hour every day as we could.

 

I am still trying to go through the motions but I don't think my heart is into it. I am hoping IC will help me. Thanks again for your thoughts.

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“I think I have been too passive.” Now you’re coming to realize that attitude and behavior is not in your favor. As you’ve indicated your W has serious intimacy issues and the MC is F****D. A relationship ideally is a 50/50 partnership that ebbs and flows along those lines. Your current marriage is a friendship – period.

 

In MCI suggested 1/2 hour every night reserved for just us. Her answer, "I'm not sure how feasible it is... Hello, why is she not in bed w/ you throughout the night, are you a leper? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this is not what you signed up for. When you go to a restaurant and they serve a dish you didn’t order, do you send it back? This may not be a great comparison, but it fits.

 

Good luck – keep us informed.

 

I agree that we are a friendship. I wish I knew how to fix that.

 

And yes, I agree, I try very hard to see the good in people and give my wife the benefit of the doubt. But I had hoped for so much more than this.

 

I am not sure if this makes any sense, but have you ever played a sport or chess or something where there is a lot of action - but then you reach a point where the victor is clear, maybe its 35-0 or something, and you are just going through the motions to get the game over? That's how life has been in our marriage lately.

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What age are these other boys? This is just starting to sound wierd. I see nothing wrong with younger children sleeping with the parents sometimes but not every night and not once they start becomming over 5 years old. One thing I have noticed in some couples, is that when they start becomming lonely in the marriage, they start using their children to replace the spouse. This is extremely unhealthy for the children. I have no idea if this is what's going on in your situation, but if it is, it has to stop. Out of curiosity, is your wife from a differant culture then you?

 

Well I have not confirmed the stories and have no idea who these friends are so I can't really comment. It could be just one of those things like, "Yes honey, all my friends' wives give them footrubs during the game, so you should too!" :)

 

No different cultures in play.

 

I have been trying to put my foot down about this issue in particular as of late, with mixed results. I suppose there has been some improvement but like you, I'd rather see it stop.

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And there is no way. I love my second son dearly but every time I see him, I am reminded that my opinion did not count.

 

 

Please address this issue in IC. If you feel this towards your son, he'll catch on and it will hurt him deeply. There are few things more painful then having your mother/father resent your life. I know this is not what you said, but it is likely that your son will feel this.

 

As for the rest of your post, I'm not sure what you meant when you said many of your arguements come from the passive/aggressive dynamic and can not be resolved. Did you mean that there will always be this dynamic in your marriage? I think it can change. It can take years, though, and is a lot of work. Change doesn't come over night. Have you been passive all your life or just with certain people? Is this something you want to change?

 

Also, I've heard you say a couple of times that your friend is a symptom and not the cause of your problems. She is both. Keeping the friendship is like throwing gasoline on a house that is in serious need of repairs. It will only cause further damage. Are you using her as a way to ease out of your marriage?

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Please address this issue in IC. If you feel this towards your son, he'll catch on and it will hurt him deeply. There are few things more painful then having your mother/father resent your life. I know this is not what you said, but it is likely that your son will feel this.

 

As for the rest of your post, I'm not sure what you meant when you said many of your arguements come from the passive/aggressive dynamic and can not be resolved. Did you mean that there will always be this dynamic in your marriage? I think it can change. It can take years, though, and is a lot of work. Change doesn't come over night. Have you been passive all your life or just with certain people? Is this something you want to change?

 

Also, I've heard you say a couple of times that your friend is a symptom and not the cause of your problems. She is both. Keeping the friendship is like throwing gasoline on a house that is in serious need of repairs. It will only cause further damage. Are you using her as a way to ease out of your marriage?

 

I will and we've touched upon that in MC a bit too. I do try to go out of my way to be good to him. Hopefully he will think I did well when he is older.

 

I have been passive for a good part of my life. Within the last year or so, based on the working out, the positive changes in my life, etc., I have become more willing to speak my mind. In addition, I have been more willing to rock the boat at home since it can't get much worse.

 

How do you move on past the resentment though? This is the part that I don't understand. I feel like I have wasted years of my life. I look around, I've lost most of my dearest things in life to compromises, and in a lot of ways I just feel like I'm living out her plans for me day by day with no end in sight. My wife looks at me and loves me very much, but it doesn't fix all the problems, all the compromises, everything I gave up. Everything I enjoy is a activity which she doesn't participate in/enjoy. And so I look forward to times when she is away. How do you solve that?

 

And with regard to the friend, yes, she is probably not helping the situation. She is a very very nice person but I'd give her up in a second if I thought I could recapture the old times and feelings with my wife. My wife and my MC are both adamant that those days are never coming back, though. And the new days are filled with sadness and resentment.

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It’s obvious that you aren’t at the stage of making a step out the door, which would send several messages.

 

1) H is serious about his needs!

2) W needs to take more interest in herself emotionally, physically & health wise.

3) W will lose kids in a divorce!

4) H will find a partner that makes him happy.

 

These are all wake up calls in a marriage that has gone south – no intimacy, mystery, spark, attraction, experience, physical love (what’s that)…

 

You express how miserable you are, yet you’re not ready to do what is necessary to help yourself. Why?

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Natureofbeast

I have been following your story, and I have been hesitant to respond because I am uncertain what it is that you are looking for. I think a lot of men go through a phase when they begin to feel usurped by the kids. And forgive, I am not trying to make light of your given circumstances. Yes, sadly it can go on for yrs & I am truly sorry for the issues you are having to deal with, but you have said you met someone. Ok. I guess my question is this, are you looking for a place to sound off your reasoning for recovering your marriage and or ending your marriage to take a chance at happiness that you are not getting at home, with someone else. Or, are you looking to justify--sound off- the idea of leading yourself in to EMA?

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It’s obvious that you aren’t at the stage of making a step out the door, which would send several messages.

 

1) H is serious about his needs!

2) W needs to take more interest in herself emotionally, physically & health wise.

3) W will lose kids in a divorce!

4) H will find a partner that makes him happy.

 

These are all wake up calls in a marriage that has gone south – no intimacy, mystery, spark, attraction, experience, physical love (what’s that)…

 

You express how miserable you are, yet you’re not ready to do what is necessary to help yourself. Why?

 

Please forgive me - am I reading that the necessary step to help myself is to step out the door? Or have I missed something?

 

I have dragged my wife to MC and though it has not been rewarding as a whole, I have learned a lot about myself. I thought that was a good step.

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I have been following your story, and I have been hesitant to respond because I am uncertain what it is that you are looking for. I think a lot of men go through a phase when they begin to feel usurped by the kids. And forgive, I am not trying to make light of your given circumstances. Yes, sadly it can go on for yrs & I am truly sorry for the issues you are having to deal with, but you have said you met someone. Ok. I guess my question is this, are you looking for a place to sound off your reasoning for recovering your marriage and or ending your marriage to take a chance at happiness that you are not getting at home, with someone else. Or, are you looking to justify--sound off- the idea of leading yourself in to EMA?

 

Thank you for reading and responding.

 

I do feel usurped by the kids, and her new job as well. (She has become a high level executive and with that she's become different in a number of ways.) I feel like this is not the life I bargained for.

 

I think ultimately I wanted to hear people's thoughts about my situation sans-other friend. I read a lot of stuff on LS about EMAs where people sit for weeks trying to get over them after NC. I do not think my new friend is there right now. I could walk away easily. Also, the gal is not secret.

 

So I guess I threw in the other gal for full disclosure and also to distinguish how before I thought my life was lacking, and now I have more proof (more dangerous proof at that.) Whereas before, I thought things were bad, now I *know* things are bad and need to be fixed or ended soon.

 

I was curious if I was the only one that thought things were lacking in my marriage. And what they would do. I am slowly getting less passive in life but I may be dragging my feet, so it's interesting to get so many comments. I appreciate everyone's thoughts here.

 

Hope that makes sense - not sure I am explaining well.

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I’m responding to your expression of unhappiness from lack of physical intimacy and unhealthy behavior of W sleeping w/ sons. Nothing that you write convinces me that the MC or your W is invested in looking at or exploring this critical area of your marriage.

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Natureofbeast

Yes, I understand. Or as I understand from your reply you are unsure and still exploring options. Sorry if that sounds harsh. Not meant to be. But honestly, no one can really help you decide if you should stay in your marriage or get out. And there are very few people here I would wager who would support the notion that you have an A to appease the sadness you are feeling. You do come across as a man who is discontent with many aspects of your life–I mean--not just the lack of involvement with your W, but also with parenthood.

 

Your complaints duly noted. Marriage has its up and downs. And even dry spells. Life gets complicated, and in the way at times. Husbands get set aside as a mother’s time is ate up by the care of the young children. And yes love wanes, as does passions. But like the tides there should still be some form of an ebb and flow, that isn’t always predictable, sometimes its subtle at best--but still, it reaches the shore. Anger does get in the way–which transgresses into resentment, a word that you yourself have used-- block after block a sea wall if you will is built up. Your passive nature–as you have mentioned yourself, aside, if you really want to save your marriage you are going to have to tear that wall down.

 

But on the flip side, it also seems to me as if you are trying to reason out if you wife really wants to save the marriage? I will tell you this. I was floored to learn from your posts that only through negotiations of with MC were your able to get 30 minutes 4 times of week of your wife’s attention. If this is true this, it is absolutely heartbreaking. Maybe I am reading more into your posts than is there, but seems to me you are crying out to save your marriage–and sadly someone is not hearing you.

 

Have you considered IC? And as other posters have mentioned, a different M counselor? One that could maybe better help you better advocate your needs to your wife?

Edited by Natureofbeast
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I was floored to learn from your posts that only through negotiations of with MC were your able to get 30 minutes 4 times of week of your wife’s attention. If this is true this, it is absolutely heartbreaking. Maybe I am reading more into your posts than is there, but seems to me you are crying out to save your marriage–and sadly someone is not hearing you.

 

Have you considered IC? And as other posters have mentioned, a different M counselor? One that could maybe better help you better advocate your needs to your wife?

 

I have no intention of having an affair. I could not live with myself.

 

You were not the only one crestfallen to hear about the 4 days/30 mins agreement. I was shocked. I expected the counsellor to jump right in and say how reasonable that was. Instead, she let me fend for myself like it was some unheard of idea that a husband might want to spend time with his wife.

 

I went to IC tonight. She had some interesting takes. She mentioned how it sounded like my wife is content with living as "married singles" as she put it. I am not. How she had changed, but I had too, and probably in bigger ways. I look different, I feel and act and have wants that are different than before. She asked some questions about how I felt, and I told her that sometimes I see my wife and I hold back tears, or during the day I have random bouts of tearing up. She said she thinks that is me grieving the loss of my marriage on some level. Kind of hit me hard when she said that.

 

I think at the beginning of the year, I was desperate to save the marriage and crying out for help. By August, I had dragged her to the MC and was practically begging for my partner. I know right now I am starting to give up. I know my wife wants to save the marriage but she does not seem to "get" that she will need to put in some real effort.

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Couples in your situation may try a trial separation to clarify the situation – either absence makes the heart grow fonder or distance and permanent separation is what is needed.

 

A friend of mine in your circumstance has 5 children; his wife wouldn’t sleep in the same bed w/ him after the birth of their children. One day he had enough, after 20 or so years of marriage and emotional issues his wife was unwilling to address. He walked away, not easy at first, but I can tell you he is as happy as I’ve ever seen him. He now is with a SO that lights up his life.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

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SimplyBeingLoved

Honestly? Your marriage sounds like it's failing. Sounds a bit too much like how my marriage has been. And, I have planned a separation starting next month. There are more complicating factors in my case, but, seriously... living together but separately? That's not a marriage. That's a co-parenting agreement. Personally, I'd rather live alone (with kids).

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I think you just left it too late... I left it too late. We got disconnected and created independent lives for ourselves, with different interests.

 

You say your wife loves you very much... why is she not sleeping in the same bed as you, then? Why are you having sex once in a blue moon? Why is she not putting much effort into MC? To me, this is not loving someone. She is happy with the status quo. You are out of the equation, I'm afraid. There is nothing to repair. She cares about you, but love? I don't see any love. I see two adults with independent lives caring for children, but not for each other.

 

It's a difficult one. You seem to be at the stage of resigning yourself, although a divorce is out of the question. But even if you try the divorce card and she promises you that things will change, don't expect anything. I've been there and after a dramatic change at the beginning (when I said I was leaving), things have now gone back to "normal"... I really don't care about it anymore, though. I will be leaving when my little one flies the nest... I've wasted enough years of my life... good luck!

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Once I would've come down on you for thinking of leaving. Now I feel differently. Marriage is so complicated and difficult. Today I am concerned more about whether or not the marriage is fruitful. Are you feeling loved by her? Is she feeling loved by you? Are you both growing? If so, is it only apart? IMHO, it is wrong for a wife not to put her husband first. If the husband considers how important the children are to his wife it makes it easier for her to put him first. What she is teaching your children is worrying. Not to mention the pressure she is putting on them to fulfill her.

 

I know this; you don't do her any favors by not making it more important for her to consider your feelings and desires. Think about it...what is she learning? To ignore others? How is that good for her long run? How is that going to make her a better wife to you?

 

I am not passive, though I once was VERY. I have been on both sides of that equation and both sides are equally frustrating. It is frustrating to take all the resonsibility for leading and making decisions. It is also frustrating to be plowed over and not considered or misunderstood because you didn't or can't speak up. So I feel for you there. Now I believe as adults we all bear responsibility for representing our own true selves in any given situation. Like we are our own lawyers. You have representation in any given situation and it is YOU. I think when I was more passive I thought the other person should be representing me for me. But now I think that was just a way to avoid responsibility for making decisions. It may even have been a kind of dependency. Not wanting to grow up. And that way I always had someone to blame and criticize if things went wrong. (Also, I convinced my self it was because I was a very kind and considerate and more enlightened person that I let others have their way...hmmm...)

 

Also, it's one thing not to speak up and another not to be heard. Sometimes you have to speak really loudly if the other person is ignoring you. Even if it is just with your actions. The mom on "Malcolm in the Middle" once said, "If you're not yelling, they are not listening." Unfortunately this is sometimes true.

 

But back to the point....it seems like you are knocking on a door and she keeps saying " just a minute." I don't feel like you should be ignored. And if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where she only makes you feel bad it is worth considering ending it so you can have a chance at happiness.

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I have been passive for a good part of my life. Within the last year or so, based on the working out, the positive changes in my life, etc., I have become more willing to speak my mind. In addition, I have been more willing to rock the boat at home since it can't get much worse.

I think this statement speaks volumes and to the crux of the matter in your relationship. I went back and read your posts. You state that your wife is a high power executive and is "very driven woman". You also state that you are " very passive". IMO, as much as women say they want that touchy,feely guy who talks about their emotions what they really want is a guy who will take charge and assume the leadership role in the marriage once and while. Of course 50/50 is the best but face it making all the decisions gets tireing. It seems that not only is your wife the leader and executive at work she is also the leader at home. Please don't take this the wrong way but could it be that she does not respect you anymore? I am not saying she is not at fault also. We all bring our own "stuff" into a marriage.

 

How do you move on past the resentment though? This is the part that I don't understand. I feel like I have wasted years of my life. I look around, I've lost most of my dearest things in life to compromises, and in a lot of ways I just feel like I'm living out her plans for me day by day with no end in sight.

It's hard to move past the resentment. It may be too late. And if

you feel as though you have wasted your years it's time to move on.

It's living hell to wake up every morning unhappy. I have to agree with

the other posters. A trial seperation would really tell her you mean

business. Who knows? The dynamics may shift and then you may

come together again. Maybe by then you wont want to be with her.

 

 

My wife looks at me and loves me very much, but it doesn't fix all the problems, all the compromises, everything I gave up. Everything I enjoy is a activity which she doesn't participate in/enjoy. And so I look forward to times when she is away. How do you solve that?

Well she sure isn't acting loving is she? Does she tell you this? Sure

I love my brother but I am not in love with him. Again, I hate to say

this but she just doesn't want to be with you anymore. I get the feeling

that she wants you to end it. Who is acting passive now? Take

the lead tell her you want a trial seperation. You will see by her reaction

how she really feels.

 

And with regard to the friend, yes, she is probably not helping the situation. She is a very very nice person but I'd give her up in a second if I thought I could recapture the old times and feelings with my wife. My wife and my MC are both adamant that those days are never coming back, though. And the new days are filled with sadness and resentment.

You wife doesn't seem to care about this "friend". Again, a woman who

is engaged in her marriage would go crazy with this. As far as your wife

and MC being adamant about those days not coming back, not a good

sign. She is not even willing to work on it. You seem like such a caring

and nice guy. Don't you deserve to be loved and cherished? Plenty of

people have ended their marriages. It's a hard step to take I know. It

took me too many years. You will come out healthy and happy on the other side. I wish you well.

 

Lee

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I’m responding to your expression of unhappiness from lack of physical intimacy and unhealthy behavior of W sleeping w/ sons. Nothing that you write convinces me that the MC or your W is invested in looking at or exploring this critical area of your marriage.

 

You know, as much as I like our MC I am starting to see from your post and others that maybe a different MC might be better because this is true and this is probably my biggest issues.

 

Every time I have brought up sex, she has responded by saying, if you fix everything else, the desire for sex will come back.

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Couples in your situation may try a trial separation to clarify the situation – either absence makes the heart grow fonder or distance and permanent separation is what is needed.

 

I am starting to think this is the best plan, tbh.

 

It is entirely possible that I have overblown these issues or something, or that I'm too absorbed in depression from the circumstances to see clearly. Likewise, maybe she will understand how sad I am if I actually leave for a few months.

 

I start to feel like...if she finds someone else during this time, or if I find the time to confirm that I need to be alone... at least we will know and there will be no more wallowing around in indecision land.

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Honestly? Your marriage sounds like it's failing. Sounds a bit too much like how my marriage has been. And, I have planned a separation starting next month. There are more complicating factors in my case, but, seriously... living together but separately? That's not a marriage. That's a co-parenting agreement. Personally, I'd rather live alone (with kids).

 

Thank you for your thoughts... I am been coming around to this idea myself... it kills me because I do love my wife. With all my heart. I never would have thought this would be the way it ended.

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You say your wife loves you very much... why is she not sleeping in the same bed as you, then? Why are you having sex once in a blue moon? Why is she not putting much effort into MC? To me, this is not loving someone. She is happy with the status quo. You are out of the equation, I'm afraid. There is nothing to repair. She cares about you, but love? I don't see any love. I see two adults with independent lives caring for children, but not for each other.

 

It's a difficult one. You seem to be at the stage of resigning yourself, although a divorce is out of the question. But even if you try the divorce card and she promises you that things will change, don't expect anything. I've been there and after a dramatic change at the beginning (when I said I was leaving), things have now gone back to "normal"... I really don't care about it anymore, though. I will be leaving when my little one flies the nest... I've wasted enough years of my life... good luck!

 

Thank you Giotto... your words really ring true.

 

We have a MC appt. next week and I am going to try the only thing left - the hit her over the head approach. I am going to tell her that I want her to sleep in bed at night with me. If she goes downstairs for any reason, then I am not getting what I want, but rather settling for a good nights sleep. If she wants to stop settling and really try to meet my request, she would figure out the problems and fix them. Kids keep coming up? Keep bringing them back down and saying no. (Note: the kids know better than to come to me at night with nothing short of a life threatening emergency, lol.) Loud sleeper? Losing weight is the #1 recommended way to try to stop snoring as I understand it, etc.

 

She has put forward a lot of effort to change in her own way, but knowing her so long, I can tell that a) it is a very nice thought, but an afterthought nonetheless... like "Ok see you later... oh by the way, would you like to spend 30 mins today or should we skip it.", and b) like you said, I can't imagine it is a long term solution, this will eventually go away.

 

I wish you luck as well and thanks again for your thoughts.

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Are you both growing? If so, is it only apart? IMHO, it is wrong for a wife not to put her husband first. If the husband considers how important the children are to his wife it makes it easier for her to put him first.

 

I think when I was more passive I thought the other person should be representing me for me. But now I think that was just a way to avoid responsibility for making decisions. It may even have been a kind of dependency. Not wanting to grow up. And that way I always had someone to blame and criticize if things went wrong. (Also, I convinced my self it was because I was a very kind and considerate and more enlightened person that I let others have their way...hmmm...)

 

Also, it's one thing not to speak up and another not to be heard. Sometimes you have to speak really loudly if the other person is ignoring you. Even if it is just with your actions. The mom on "Malcolm in the Middle" once said, "If you're not yelling, they are not listening." Unfortunately this is sometimes true.

 

But back to the point....it seems like you are knocking on a door and she keeps saying " just a minute." I don't feel like you should be ignored. And if the marriage has deteriorated to the point where she only makes you feel bad it is worth considering ending it so you can have a chance at happiness.

 

mrsT, thank you so much for responding to my post...

 

We are growing apart, absolutely. This has probably been one of the biggest issues. In MC, I tried to describe it, saying our two planets had slowly drifted away from each other, and both of us did our best to surround our respective planets with lots of different moons to fill our needs. And we needed the planets to come together again. She described our situation much differently, she just has this mentality that we should work harder to become one of each others moons. I can't help but think this is incorrect. I do not mean the elitest tones sometimes intended with this phrase, but I feel like I am able to look outside the box and see us as a broken whole, whereas she is still seeing things from her little planet.

 

Really bad analogy I know, sorry. :)

 

I could have almost written your paragraph about being passive, both what I realize it was and what I thought I was doing. Such a noble husband I was... sigh.

 

When I told her I was considering leaving and wanted MC, it was a stop the presses type deal. She heard me loud and clear. And she has been making efforts in her way. I think she is trying to answer the door; I think she has so many doors that she has long forgotten how to answer mine. Which is why I am sad.

 

I still have hope and we'll try it for a while longer and see what happens. Thanks again for writing.

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