Author drpepper43 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 Dr P, what is happening? Have you been keeping up with the How many men are whipped? thread? Saw an IC, and she noticed a trend that was probably pretty obvious but not to me. My dad was very verbally abusive to our family growing up. Our family's collective strategy was to become invisible to not spark the conflict. My previous, 4-yr LTR was to a gal who was discovered to be bi-polar and when she would have her outbursts (after a time of trying to figure out how to help her) I would just become invisible. So undoubtedly that is what happened in my marriage, because it was what I was used to. This is definitely a large contributing factor in the relationship that I am responsbile for. I have been consistently standing up for myself and attempting to fix imbalances in our relationship in the last week. This is leading to a lot of fights and tears from her. I am thinking that she is very ingrained in the dominant role that I enabled her to be in for so long. But I owe it to her to make an effort to try to fix things and/or at least show her what I perceive as the problem so I am no longer just letting her have her way on anything which strikes me as an important team decision. I continue to have hope for us, but I also see that my wife is not welcoming my push to get back to 50/50. Or, she is just not seeing it for what it is. Either way, to protect myself, I have gathered up all the important legal and tax documents in the house this weekend. I am working on contact information and other assorted things next weekend. So we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
HeyThere Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) ... This is definitely a large contributing factor in the relationship that I am responsbile for. Dr P If I’m reading this correctly, this is a classic case of feeling guilty for being manipulated and controlled for a long period of time. Please don’t forget she wants you to take medication for whom? More manipulation. No sex for how long now? More manipulation. You’re addicted to the idea of love, but you clearly haven’t had any(?) intimacy with her, again for how long? All this crap and that’s what it is, will not end because you tell her its crap. She is on some power trip to Venus and most likely not coming back any time soon. My two main concerns are, you not feeling strong enough to have/get what you deserve. And for your career self esteem and finances. Should this be a concern? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation Edited January 5, 2010 by HeyThere Link to post Share on other sites
Author drpepper43 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Share Posted January 5, 2010 Dr P If I’m reading this correctly, this is a classic case of feeling guilty for being manipulated and controlled for a long period of time. Please don’t forget she wants you to take medication for whom? More manipulation. No sex for how long now? More manipulation. You’re addicted to the idea of love, but you clearly haven’t had any(?) intimacy with her, again for how long? All this crap and that’s what it is, will not end because you tell her its crap. She is on some power trip to Venus and most likely not coming back any time soon. My two main concerns are, you not feeling strong enough to have/get what you deserve. And for your career self esteem and finances. Should this be a concern? Well, I have come around to the thinking that I am responsible for being too passive and too willing to step aside in the past. I am not sure if this is the guilt you mean. But it is an awareness. I am not trying to be down on myself, but rather remind myself how I got here so I am not tempted to just decide to back off and keep the peace. We had a big fight on Saturday. I told my wife that I was going to take the boys for lunch and bowling and that, if she'd like, she could come too and make it a family event. To both our credits, a family plan was made. I had to work in the morning but suggested I'd be home at 12 noon. Work took longer than I thought. Both of us attempted to call each other at the same time apparently because we both missed the call. I showed up at 12:30, smiled, and said "How are you?" as I quickly took off my work clothes to get ready. She turned to me angrily and said, "You are late. The boys and I are going bowling in 15 minutes and if you are ready, you can come too." The old me would have apologized for being late, raced and got ready, and been ready in 15 minutes. This time was different. I told her that I didn't appreciate the way she was treating me, especially considering she did not even know why I was late. She said, "It's funny, because I feel like I'm being extremely lenient." I got angry. I asked her to come into the other room. I told her that she had no right to dictate to me like that after I worked all morning to get cash to pay for this fun trip. I told her that, when I call her at work, she frequently does not call me back right away or leave exactly on time and I respect her enough to know that is the nature of her work. I told her it was unfair to not receive the same courtesy. I told her that in an even relationship, she was not in a position to be "lenient" because this was not a situation that required her to judge me. And I told her it was completely unacceptable for her to try to steal my event with the kids and treat me like a child in front of the kids because I was 30 minutes late. I mention this fight only because it relates to a few things in your post. And to show I really am changing, and hoping she'll catch up. Financially I will be a lot worse off than I am used to, but I do not have extravagant tastes so I will be fine. I do admit - I look at her, see the old her, the gal I dated, and don't want to leave. That will be the hardest part, to convince myself that she is not the same woman any more and maybe more importantly, I am not the same guy. Link to post Share on other sites
HeyThere Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Good for you for feeling strong enough to express yourself! My wife and I have been married 21 years and are very much in love with each other. We appreciate our individual strengths and work on not dwelling on the others weaknesses. We aren’t the same people either, yet we’ve grown together and enjoy the journey. My take is that your wife is not coming along with you for the ride. Call it arrogance or a feeling of superiority, that attitude is a killer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation Link to post Share on other sites
HeyThere Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Also, if you do walk get your support group lined up – family and very closes friend’s not mutual friends (for myriad of reasons). Check out the threads on separation and divorce. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation Link to post Share on other sites
Be Happy Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 P Your W needs to get her act together. You need a breather. Link to post Share on other sites
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