it's alright. i can't feel a thing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You gotta stop being around her. Who cares if it makes your daughter happy. Your divorced. Act like it. If it's making you uncomfortable. then you dont have to be there now do you?

 

If your cool with that fine, but dont hug or interact in an affectionate way with the ex, she'll never learn. now will she?

[LisaUk]

Hi MMI

 

I to think maybe you need to take some time away from the ex. Whilst it is important that you remain civil with her for the sake of your DD having dinner with her as a family is not. Whilst your DD may like it, it will not harm her to receive love form you and her mother seperately and it will make her Daddy a lot happier in the long run, which kids pick up on these things.

 

I think you need to tell your ex that, at least for a while, you need NC, when you hand over your DD be civil, but that's it. Maybe some time down the line when you have moved on from her and feel total indifference, that is when you can hang out with your DD. But, not yet. For your own sanity MMI, it's time for NC.

[You Go Girl]

Hello MrMay,

 

I've not read your other threads, but I know enough from this one.

 

STOP this dinner carp. Your ex doesn't understand she's divorced--that's why she keeps acting as if she is having an affair still. You know why? Cuz she thinks she still has the same hold on you.

These dinners with you are an ego boost, and make it so that she doesn't have to go through the pain of rejection or full separation.

You need to go limited contact, only emails or emergency phone calls, nothing more. Arrange pick up and drop off, and avoid all else. Tell her that you are divorced, and plan on acting like it.

As far as your daughter goes, explain to her that hanging out with your ex isn't doing YOU any good because she ended the marriage. Even little ones can understand that.

Get out and date. Explain right off the bat that you are still recovering, and that you are not ready for a serious relationship.

Women, for the most part, want committment. You have to seek out the ones that don't. They are the ones that are also recovering, or newly free again, and afraid of committment, and want to avoid it.

As long as your ex feels she still has that hold on you, she doesn't need to face that she threw you away, nor suffer any pain, nor accept that it's over, because you're acting like it's not!

Even if you want her back, you can't accept her back until she has gone through the pain of losing you. Without that pain, she'd play you again.

I know, it's a catch 22, but there's no getting around it any other way.

 

And keep that darn chin up! You need a lecture on that from Gunny.

[tojaz]

well, i'm back and a bit bummed. i've been seeing my ex frequently and having dinners with she and our dd every week or so. nothing's going on between us. it makes the kid so happy that i just can't stop it. we have lingering hugs often and she seems to be very interested in me for the time being. i know there's the same guy that's been there all along. dd has said his name a couple times in passing. so, now she's around him. that's a new one. restraint is a mother****er. i'm still here, alive. still lost in my head lots of times and still wishing to have that kind of love again. i don't honestly think i could handle it right now, but damn do i miss it.

 

Nice to hear from you again MayI, I was just wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you are back in a sticky situation. I'm not going to follow suit and tell you to cut her out of your life, NC her etc. You've been here long enough to know the pros and cons of your options. You've got to do whats best for you and your DD. If spending the time with her hurts, then you know what you need to do to heal. Then again though, I can see how having that contact might be good for you and help you ease out slowly while still maintaining some sort of connection. Of course I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

 

i also miss this place, but as i'm typing this i can feel it all welling up inside of me again. i just want to get under this desk and let go for a bit.

 

I can relate man, I kind of tapered off myself. Keep in touch though and let us know how you are.

 

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

I'm sorry to hear you are getting pulled back into the miss!!!!

 

I did want to share one thing.

When my buddy was dating his G/F & we would go to the girlie bar, he always told me; don't EVER tell my G/F that we are doing this. At the time my former W knew we went & she didn't care but my buddy said; if she ever found out it would be over for them.

 

Well they broke up and after they broke up it wasn't to much longer before he wasn't interested in going to the girlie bar. I asked him about it & he said; it's just not the same. I think part of it was because of the excitement of doing something he wasn't supposes to do.

 

As for what you should do I agree with Tojaz, you understand the pain it will cause by going back & spending time with the ex.

I don't blame you because I've thought what if's many of times even after a year divorced & almost two years separated.

 

I have been dating a girl that ended last week & someone at my work said; so now you going to let your ex know you are single again in case they are interested?????

I thought about that for a while but realized she hasn't done any of the work to better herself. She is still just walking thru life with no ambition so why would I put myself back in that situation but it was good to think about it.

 

I just don't feel like if she is still seeing someone (doesn't matter what level) then her heart will never be in it. If you are o.k. with just eating & enjoy your time as friends that more power to you. I have heard of many people that are better friends then they were ever when they were married so it can be done, but I feel in your case she needs to be honest with herself & with you & she is not doing that.

 

It's good to see you back, this place does have a way of pulling you back, but for me it's always been positive.

[soheartbroken]

MMI. Sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place: Wanting to make your daughter happy but also needing your distance.

 

Do you think your daughter is getting confused though, worrying about whether you two will get back together, and thinking that she may be responsible for your reconciliation?

[MrMayI]

I would refrain from any interaction. Marriage is for keeps, so is divorce... don't allow any hopes build up within the family.

 

Distance yourself from XW. There is no need to make it nice for her.

 

Continue to invest in your remaining family.

 

this is the only way it's gotta be. from here on in. i just can't do it.

 

You gotta stop being around her. Who cares if it makes your daughter happy. Your divorced. Act like it. If it's making you uncomfortable. then you dont have to be there now do you?

 

If your cool with that fine, but dont hug or interact in an affectionate way with the ex, she'll never learn. now will she?

 

she will never learn chrome. i feel it. i feel like a total punk for having even put my head back in it, if even briefly. i'm not cool with it. i had to pick DD up yesterday from her and acted just like i should.

 

Hi MMI

 

I to think maybe you need to take some time away from the ex. Whilst it is important that you remain civil with her for the sake of your DD having dinner with her as a family is not. Whilst your DD may like it, it will not harm her to receive love form you and her mother seperately and it will make her Daddy a lot happier in the long run, which kids pick up on these things.

 

I think you need to tell your ex that, at least for a while, you need NC, when you hand over your DD be civil, but that's it. Maybe some time down the line when you have moved on from her and feel total indifference, that is when you can hang out with your DD. But, not yet. For your own sanity MMI, it's time for NC.

 

you're right. i felt indifference, and i think she smelled it on me or felt it from miles away. indifference came in and then she stuck her toe in the door as it shut in her face.

 

Hello MrMay,

 

I've not read your other threads, but I know enough from this one.

 

STOP this dinner carp. Your ex doesn't understand she's divorced--that's why she keeps acting as if she is having an affair still. You know why? Cuz she thinks she still has the same hold on you.

These dinners with you are an ego boost, and make it so that she doesn't have to go through the pain of rejection or full separation.

You need to go limited contact, only emails or emergency phone calls, nothing more. Arrange pick up and drop off, and avoid all else. Tell her that you are divorced, and plan on acting like it.

As far as your daughter goes, explain to her that hanging out with your ex isn't doing YOU any good because she ended the marriage. Even little ones can understand that.

Get out and date. Explain right off the bat that you are still recovering, and that you are not ready for a serious relationship.

Women, for the most part, want committment. You have to seek out the ones that don't. They are the ones that are also recovering, or newly free again, and afraid of committment, and want to avoid it.

As long as your ex feels she still has that hold on you, she doesn't need to face that she threw you away, nor suffer any pain, nor accept that it's over, because you're acting like it's not!

Even if you want her back, you can't accept her back until she has gone through the pain of losing you. Without that pain, she'd play you again.

I know, it's a catch 22, but there's no getting around it any other way.

 

And keep that darn chin up! You need a lecture on that from Gunny.

 

i agree with every word of your post but the last sentence. i always get back up. fact is i am now. i've dated like a madman, and that made me feel worse. even after all of this time. i'm happier alone than "forcing" anything.

 

Nice to hear from you again MayI, I was just wondering how you were doing. Sounds like you are back in a sticky situation. I'm not going to follow suit and tell you to cut her out of your life, NC her etc. You've been here long enough to know the pros and cons of your options. You've got to do whats best for you and your DD. If spending the time with her hurts, then you know what you need to do to heal. Then again though, I can see how having that contact might be good for you and help you ease out slowly while still maintaining some sort of connection. Of course I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

 

 

 

I can relate man, I kind of tapered off myself. Keep in touch though and let us know how you are.

 

TOJAZ

 

gold, as usual. thanks, bro.

 

 

I'm sorry to hear you are getting pulled back into the miss!!!!

 

I did want to share one thing.

When my buddy was dating his G/F & we would go to the girlie bar, he always told me; don't EVER tell my G/F that we are doing this. At the time my former W knew we went & she didn't care but my buddy said; if she ever found out it would be over for them.

 

Well they broke up and after they broke up it wasn't to much longer before he wasn't interested in going to the girlie bar. I asked him about it & he said; it's just not the same. I think part of it was because of the excitement of doing something he wasn't supposes to do.

 

As for what you should do I agree with Tojaz, you understand the pain it will cause by going back & spending time with the ex.

I don't blame you because I've thought what if's many of times even after a year divorced & almost two years separated.

 

I have been dating a girl that ended last week & someone at my work said; so now you going to let your ex know you are single again in case they are interested?????

I thought about that for a while but realized she hasn't done any of the work to better herself. She is still just walking thru life with no ambition so why would I put myself back in that situation but it was good to think about it.

 

I just don't feel like if she is still seeing someone (doesn't matter what level) then her heart will never be in it. If you are o.k. with just eating & enjoy your time as friends that more power to you. I have heard of many people that are better friends then they were ever when they were married so it can be done, but I feel in your case she needs to be honest with herself & with you & she is not doing that.

 

It's good to see you back, this place does have a way of pulling you back, but for me it's always been positive.

 

i'm not okay with it on a friendship level. we were best friends for 6 years, married over 5. she destroyed all of that. i don't know what the **** i'm doing. i smile, talk, and try to tell myself afterward that it just is what it is. it's not though. it's all of what you said. it's her wanting to dilute the **** she pulled and the fact that we are divorced. it's her doing nothing to change. it's me letting myself fall in a rut. she's not doing it. i'm in control and i know it. cheers friend. sorry to hear about your gf.

 

MMI. Sounds like you're caught between a rock and a hard place: Wanting to make your daughter happy but also needing your distance.

 

Do you think your daughter is getting confused though, worrying about whether you two will get back together, and thinking that she may be responsible for your reconciliation?

 

she's not SHB. DD truly recognizes that her mommy and daddy are kaput. the ex asked me to dinner one day last week and dd said she didn't want me to go. that it was their day. she said that she'd see me the next day. it actually made me happy, because i was doing it for her and realized at that second that i don't have to. she's okay. i love that kid.

 

i caught up on your thread, and i'm very sorry for what's been going on.