He had an affair..No one saw it coming.

[Skittles]

Just found out today that my cousins husband had an affair.. . She called to give me all the details of her discovery.

What blew my mind, besides his infidelity, was the fact that no one including myself saw this coming.

 

He is very affectionate to her around us, is a great dad and a good provider..He doesn't abuse her in any overt way.

 

How can a man split his personality like that?

 

How in the world can someone tell you they love you and step out like that? I have heard men can separate sex from love but wowee...?

 

Any and all insight will be appreciated.

[bark]

He is very affectionate to her around us, is a great dad and a good provider..He doesn't abuse her in any overt way.

 

Many, not all, seemingly decent men will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. The reasons vary with the men but one usually predominates: a new, exciting sexual opportunity. No split personality is a prerequisite.

 

Hollywood often casts the wayward spouse as craven and demonstrably bad. Not so. Cheating husbands can be your uncle, father, brother, favorite neighbor or best friend. We are everywhere.

 

An adulterer can be funny, sensitive, kind to small animals and children--and a good provider. Infidelity is a mark of weak character, not an evil, sick mind.

 

Most men, moreover, do not wake up one morning and announce to themselves, "I'm going to be unfaithful, today." Life ain't that simple.

 

Usually, a friendship develops at work with an opposite sex colleague, confidences are exchanged and this blossoms into erotic attraction and a relationship.

 

 

I hope your cousin and her wayward husband work things out--especially if kids are involved.

[Skittles]

Many, not all, seemingly decent men will cheat if the opportunity presents itself. The reasons vary with the men but one usually predominates: a new, exciting sexual opportunity. No split personality is a prerequisite.

 

 

 

Bark thanks for your response.

 

I know this intellectually but not emotionally....that decent men will cheat if given the opportunity..But how can a smart guy let himself cheat when he knows what the ramifications might be?

 

I have a g/f who is on the other side of the fence, trying to navigate herself out of or around the shoals of a relationship with a married fella.

 

And the weird thing is I am not angry at my g/f, not judging her...she is not yet sexually involved with this guy but teetering on the edge. I view her as being victimized, like my cousin.

 

 

I don't think that those who stray, men and women, are evil and sick minded...I think lots of folks are unhappy though and that may precipitate something.

 

I am having a difficult time assimilating these" other side of the coin"situations with my g/f and cousin.

I sometimes feel when I give support to one, I am undermining the other.

 

Back to topic, in your opinion then, its more about opportunity than structural weakness in a marriage?

[bark]

Back to topic, in your opinion then, its more about opportunity than structural weakness in a marriage?

 

For most of us, yes. That's scary, I know.

 

What I object to are married guys who have lengthy affairs with young women. Affairs that last years. Then when the other woman gets older and loses her attractiveness the married bastard dumps her. That happened to two women I know. Both are now in their 40s and have no men in their lives. They wasted their youth on married guys.

 

That's tragic.

 

As you may know I have been involved with a married woman for 4 years. She's 39 and her husband has a delusional disorder. I'm her outlet, and she is mine. Believe it or not, our affair makes both our marriages bearable. It's not right, but, in our case, it's adaptive.

 

Thanks for not jumping on my head.

[Skittles]

Bark, I would never jump on your head...because I would lose the benefit of an intelligent head..

 

In other words, you are the person whose brains I would pick in this circumstance..

 

I totally understand how a third-party could shore up an ailing duo...The triangle almost becomes the mystical ...(I heard that triangles are mystical, somewhere.) ...and adds to instead of subtracts? Now folks are gonna jump on my head!

 

Not to diminish the pain and damage associated with an affair, but if a third-party fills the need of the straying spouse then the marriage will maintain itself?...then eventually dissolve...or maybe not?

 

I don't know.

Now that this has happened to a relative, I am just angry about it...It seems senseless because she would have done anything for her husband...and I thought he would have done the same for her..

 

And my g/f is a trusting soul who thinks her married friend is confused and will evolve out of his marriage eventually...What a mess.

 

 

Are you still in touch with your third-party?

[bark]

Are you still in touch with your third-party?

 

Yes, I am. We've been very much in love for about 4 years, now. And before that, we were, for years, very close friends and colleagues.

 

The affair is not as overwhelming now as it once was. That's good for both of us and our respective spouses and families. We have found our equilibrium.

 

Men almost never leave their spouses and families for the other woman. I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

We never played those games.

 

Interestingly, my lover's 2 brothers-in-law both recently left their wives of 20 years. Both men had been faithful, but they were bored. My lover's marriage is surviving well in comparison.

 

You just never know, Skittles.