USCG04 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Well all this starts with me being in the military, I am 23 at the time and she was 17, we used to be co-workers at a fast food restaurant when we were younger, but I never thought as to being more than a co-worker. After I was transferred to California for 4 months, she begins dating a nice guy, and she tells me all about him. He seems alright and they date for a little over 2 years and he proposes to her. He joined the military also and goes over to Iraq for a little over a year, and they have been back together again for a little over 6 months! She tells me that they have been officially married for 6 months now. Now my time is up and I move back to my hometown and she is still there, married and very un-happy! We found each other on facebook and she starts talking to me again telling me how much she always appreciated me being there for her, and tells me that she shouldn't have lost contact with me, and now I know something is up with her marriage. We have been talking on the phone and sending text messages, and its starting to feel like old times, like when I was at home. Well I went to give her a gift card for Christmas and she starts talking to me and I am a nice guy, I have been attracted to her for years but never pursued her. My dad tells me that I lost out on her, and I know this. Well we talk about how her marriage is failing and she doesn't know what she should do. She really wants to hang out with me, and I do to, but I don't believe we should. She starts telling me all the things she has tried to do to save their marriage, but nothing seems to work. He doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, and he has been verbal-ling abusing her. What should I do? I want to be there for her, but not really wanting to get my ass beat, and I am trying my best to respect the marriage! I mean if she was honestly happy with their marriage, she wouldn't be talking to me, I just don't want to be the reason for her divorce! I know I should stay far away, but I can't ignore her! Link to post Share on other sites
lecasanova Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 every girl needs someone to confide in, and perhaps you fit that bill perfectly, that's why she's choosing you to confide in, don't interpret things wrongly. NEVER EVER MESS WITH A MARRIAGE DUDE, it's serious stuff. as much as the forbidden fruit is my favorite, you gotta draw the line at marriage. Continue helping her but use the correct head to guide you your decisions. don't get involved sexually or intimately with her in any way, help her out as her best friend since you care for her so much, and not let your feelings take over, they always go wrong -shakes head. haha. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USCG04 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Ok! I am saying that its wrong for me to be in contact with her on the phone and sending FB messages, but her friend from work tells me that she lights up when she talks about me and when she talks about her husband she looks depressed and sad! HERE'S WHAT HER FRIEND SAID," she has already told me that she wishes she would of stayed with you. She said that like 2 weeks ago i think. She knows her marriage will end she is just not sure when and how." that guy is a complete **** bag to her and her feelings! I am just trying to let her decide how and when this is gonna take place. I am hoping the best for her... and I. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Ok! I am saying that its wrong for me to be in contact with her on the phone and sending FB messages, but her friend from work tells me that she lights up when she talks about me and when she talks about her husband she looks depressed and sad! HERE'S WHAT HER FRIEND SAID," she has already told me that she wishes she would of stayed with you. She said that like 2 weeks ago i think. She knows her marriage will end she is just not sure when and how." that guy is a complete **** bag to her and her feelings! I am just trying to let her decide how and when this is gonna take place. I am hoping the best for her... and I. This is a really tough call. Whatever you do, DO not get involved with her while she is married. Divorces are messy and take a long time, so there is a strong likelihood that this will not end well. The best thing for you is to cut contact and wait until she is single. If she jumps from him to you, what makes you think she won't do the same thing to you later on? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Who cares what her friend said. The woman is married, that means off-limits, back-off, off the market. IF, IF, IF she ever divorces, then you should feel free to pursue her. But let her decide IF, IF, IF she really wants to end her marriage on her own, and let her end her marriage, and let her heal and process the end of her marriage before you jump in. Honestly, does no one have any respect for themselves anymore? Why do you want to make yourself miserable and hang around like a vulture waiting, waiting, waiting for someone else's marriage to die? Don't you have any desire for a healthy relationship with someone who can love you freely and openly without cheating on her husband first? Don't you want to be with a woman who has more honor and decency and respect for other people? Don't YOU want to be a person who has honor and decency and integrity and respect for others? Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Hey USC, i feel for you. I think as much as it's useful, necessary even, for her to have someone to confide in right now, that someone should NOT be you, because I don't think she sees you only in that way. I think she'll expect more. Her marriage, from what she tells you, sounds awful, but there are enough factors there already to make divorce a possibility without you being one too. You do not want that. It'll hurt everybody more. I'm not saying cut her off, just maybe tell her that you care for her so much that you're not the right person to help her directly with this. Tell her it hurts you to do it, but you have to keep reasonable distance. If she knows you like it seems she does, she'll understand why. Go to the OW/OM section and read some of the threads there. See how many have happy endings. I wish you the best of luck. (((hugs))) Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Stay away from this. Chances are that her husband is not half as bad as she makes it seem. Once a woman gets into resntment mode they can take a decent man and make him like the biggest jerk ever. She probably has feelings for you and is making him out to be the scum of the earth in order to have an affair. If you get involved you will eventually be the scum who is ruining her life. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 You tell her that if her marriage is really that bad, then to talk to a lawyer and start divorce proceedings asap. And, once the D is final, she's had some alone time too, THEN you can date her. Anything short of that makes YOU the OM and her having an affair (at best, an emotional one) with you. In the meantime, you cannot, I repeat, cannot be 'just friends' with someone you're inlove with and can't have. It just doesn't work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author USCG04 Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Thanks everyone for taking the time and responding to my POST! This has got to be one of the hardest things I have had to do, but sitting back and letting this unfold is probably the best thing I can do right now, if I keep on talking to her on a everyday basis, she might think there is no other way but to divorce, and she needs that chance to make things work! I am in no way trying to have a affair with this girl, its alot more to that, just wished everyone knew how much she means to me. Guess I'll find out soon enough what happens! Link to post Share on other sites
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