Wife has feelings for guy at work..

[Dio]

Hi,

 

I'm hoping someone can give me some advice here because I've been going out of my mind for the last 10 days since my wife dropped this bomb on me.

 

I should go back a few years though because what I did then is entirely relevant to our situation. I had an affair that ended 3 yrs ago. I want to explain somethings that lead to that without them sounding like excuses (I fully accept that the A was my responisibility regardless of the state of my marriage).

 

Briefly.. I 'had' intimacy issues. I would sometimes shrug off affection even thought thats what I wanted. I remember doing it and still dont understand it. Sex was very infrequent and unvaried (probably connected to my affection issue). My wife was lying to me and at the time and I didnt know why, just that she was (she had racked up an incredible amount of debt for the 3rd time). We were stuck in a rut after being together for 15 yrs, having two kids, debt and consequently no money to do anything. I ended up working day in and day out on a project with a woman from work. I dont think i need to say much more as you can guess.

 

Post D-day I kinda dedicated my life to working out where we went wrong. If it showed me only one thing it was that I still loved my wife despite thinking I could leave. The books, the forums, the advice I read helped me realise where we had both gone wrong. I really did change and learn alot about myself.

 

We had councelling and I tried to get my wife to read the stuff I was reading. My wife didnt take well to it though. She couldnt get why the councellor focused on our marriage before the A and didnt get at the A. She blamed it on the fact he was a man and sexist. Same as she wouldn't read 'His needs, Her needs' (now or back then) for the same reasons (written by a man).

 

Since then I have focused on rebuilding her trust in me. Showing her how much I love her and convincing her that I couldnt and wouldnt contemplate doing it again. She told me she was over the A, that she had forgiven me and truely believed I wouldnt do anything like it again.

 

Present day.. 3 weeks ago after her xmas party where she got really drunk to the point of being ill; whereby this 'guy' saw her safe home in a taxi she has been distant.

 

I confronted her with it Sunday night before xmas. I got the tag line "I love you but Im not in love with you anymore" followed by the confession she had feelings for this guy at work. Apparently she has liked him for a while and he has confessed his feelings for her. They have only been close apparently 2 weeks.

 

For the last 10 days I havnt been able to get any sort of confirmation that shes staying and wants to get through this and work on our marriage. All I get is that her heads mixed up. She has at least told the other guy that theres to be NC but then admited one night that shes not actually decided to end it.

 

Some things she has said about me hurt but if they are true then they are true. Sex has always been good and she enjoys it but she cant understand how I get turned on at the prospect of sex whereby she takes some foreplay. That she cant compliment me. That shes no longer jealous when I go out.

 

I dont know how much of this is my own doing regarding the A and how much of it is this other man fogging her mind. It's killing me. I do love her and I wil commit to getting over her EA (as I see it) but I cant even get her to tell me that were going to work on the marriage of if shes checking out.

 

Any thoughts really appreciated...

[TaraMaiden]

Dio.....Italian, for 'God'.....

I always find people's Forum names interesting.....

Anyway....

 

I get the feeling she checked out of this marriage during counselling after your affair.

In fact, possibly even before then...

How was the affair revealed to her?

Did you confess, or did she find out, confront you and then you confessed?

 

From what I can tell, by reading your post, that was the bottom line, and final straw.

so, in fact, I would go so far as to say that your relationship ended then.

 

Sex notwithstanding, I don't think there's enough left for you to build on, simply because it really looks as if she's checked out.

There's no commitment or desire to make the effort on her part (her resistance to what she viewed as chauvinistic and biased counselling, her refusal to share the literature you proposed....)

It also seems she's not willing to accept her responsibility as an equal member of the marriage, because in fact, the Counsellor had a point.

The affair was the symptom.

Something (lacking?) between you two, previously, was the cause...

And she didn't want to shoulder any of that.

 

I'm sorry, but unless you can absolutely convince her that this is worth every effort on both your parts to rebuild it, then I'd file and cite irreconcilable differences, and move on.

I don't think any effort on your part will make a jot of difference, because her effort is sub-zero.

And you can't fix it for her.

[anne1707]

I am afraid I have to agree with mush of what Tara said. Yes you had the affair but it needed the two of you to work together to recover from that and she bailed out on you there.

 

To be honest, I would be surprised if she and her colleague have only been "close" for two weeks.

[JaneInVegas]

Make her quit her job and find another one. Immediately. Trust me on this one, this one is NOT going to end well, no matter what. I know this first hand, because 5 years ago I was in her shoes, and I'd give anything to be able to undo all the damage.

 

If the economy and your finances won't allow her to quit, you'd best be prepared to babysit her a lot. If that's not your thing (I hate having to babysit my SO) then I'd suggest just leaving her. I know that's not what you want to hear, but life is way, way too short for the kind of grief you have coming in your future.

[Space Ritual]

I agree for the most part with Tara and Anne. She totally bailed back then and you were the last to find out. I'm sorry but it seems now that Karma has come back to bite you in the arse. I do not condone cheating any form(especially revenge cheating for I feel it serves no purpose), but she paid you in your own coin. It feels crappy but I am sure you now have a better understanding of what she went through when you cheated on her.

 

Your marriage is done. It was a long time ago. File for divorce and move on.

[Dio]

Hi,

Its been a while but here is an update..

 

Finally, 2 weeks after she dropped the bomb (4 weeks ago), she told me she wasn’t going anywhere. That was about 2 weeks ago. Since then, things have got better. She’s shown affection and has been intimate regularly. If it wasn’t for what is hanging over us I would almost say her behavior was ‘normal’.

 

Her actions seem fine but she hasn’t said anything about how she feels. We have talked about the other guy and she swears there hasn’t been any contact which I believe to be true. You would think I’d be happy as Larry but I’m really struggling. It’s kind of surreal. Like everything is normal but for me it’s hanging there. The fact she told me “I love you but I’m not in love with you” just keeps echoing round my head. The fact she had/has feelings for this guy who works at the same place as her. That I dare not ask her how she feels about me for fear of the answer.

 

I know it’s only been 2 weeks but when do I raise the issue on how she feels about me? How do I stay with someone who doesn’t love me. How do I know if she even does or doesn’t?

 

I suppose what I’m asking is how do I approach this issue without damaging any progress I have made. How do I deal with the things she told me without knowing when or if they will ever be right between us. Do I just sit and wait for her to one day say she loves me? Do I ignore that and just let her actions speak for themselves?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

I think you need to say to ther that all these issues have arisen because your levels of communication have been lacking.

You think it might be constructive, if, in order to help you both move on with your marriage, you both attended Couples Counselling. because this issue is like the Elephant in the Room, isn't it?

Huge, intrusive, overwhelming... but nobody's really addressing the issue, or clearing up the poop.....are they?

[Dio]

Thanks for your reply Tara.

 

I think your right with regards to the big elephant. Think it's more of an issue for me than her though. I'm wary about councelling though because she didn't much take to it last time.

 

The problem seems to come from accepting responsibility. I don't want to paint her on a bad light because she really is a wonderfully person, but when anything ever goes wrong with anything it's never her fault.

 

I whole heartedly believe that she thinks she's done nothing wrong by getting involved with this guy because nothing has happened. She knows it's hurt me but I suppose she sees it as nothing compared to what I did and yes that's true.

 

I have to go right now but I'll post later when I get chance.

[road]

There must be NC between WW and OM. WW has to get a new job.

[whichwayisup]

http://lifestyle.ca.msn.com/love-sex-relationships/hearst-article.aspx?cp-documentid=22810589

 

This could help both you and your wife. Interesting article today on MSN.

[Church Bells]

Dio,

 

I just read "what appears" to be your same story on Marrige Builders, and I see that within just a few hours, you are getting the hard sell on the "Harley Methods".

 

All I will say is BEWARE!!!

 

MB is all about SELLING books, counselling services, getaway weekends, etc. They make MANY unsubstaniated (and in some cases down right comical) claims, but in reality they have a very low success rate, if you define success as a recovered M.

 

I will give MB credit for having a good program to break up an ongoing A, but the measures they use, if followed to the letter, make it nearly impossible to ever be able to recover together.

 

I'll let it go at that unless you want to discuss this issue further.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!

[Jeff1962]

In all reality. You broke your trust with her when you cheated.

 

In my reality, there are a lot of issues that we can work on and grow from. Cheating is the end of everything for me.

 

You cheated, now she has feelings for someone else. Deal with it.

[Dexter Morgan]

have her bags packed for her and sitting by the door next time she comes home from work.

[TaraMaiden]

Dio, I'd like you to meet Dexter "Takes-no-prisoners-and-tells-it-like-it-is" Morgan.

One thing is guaranteed.

He doesn't do Bull5h1t.

[seibert253]

have her bags packed for her and sitting by the door next time she comes home from work.

 

^^^^^^

This

 

Oh, and don't forget to change the locks

[dazzle22]

I agree from your story that it sounds like she emotionally "checked out" around the time of your MC about the affair. Sounds like she didn't feel her feelings about this were being heard or something? and so she closed down?...

 

Problem is, both of you have so many issues. You both are flapping around in a very muddy pond. But perhaps those are the people who really need to stick it out rather than move on to "same crap, just a different person" way of being. Because both of you will take your baggage with you where ever you go unless you start dropping some of it now. Good luck..