Wife's Emotional Affair Details(She wont come clean)

[acac2323]

Okay, trying for a long story short. Married, 3 boys, W was involved for about a month in an EA. Typical of what I have been reading. She needed to feel wanted instead of a housewife(I found phone bills). I understand that now and we are working hard on us. Things are going well. She has cried and knows what she did was wrong. D day was 5 Nov, been in NC ever since.

 

However, during my period of trying to understand everything I found a couple of e-mails from w to her friend saying it so boring without him(I can understand that) and that she invited him over one evening when she was intoxicated, however he said he cared for her to much and wouldnt come over, and be responsible for our breakup.

 

That was the night it could have gone from EA tro PA. I believe she wanted it to be PA. All I want is her to admit to that. She wont. She doesnt know I have seen this info.

 

I am moving on as it is what it is...BUT, I wish she would tell me about that night. Recently I asked her if she ever invited him over for anything and she said no. It was just friends that got out of control, she sees what she did wrong, and has to live with that forever.

 

She is geniunely sorry, I just dont know why she wont totally come clean...Its not like I am going to leave her for wanting something that didnt happen. Even if it did, I would work on us to make it work.

 

Is she scared to come clean? What could she be thinking?

 

I know, I am squabbling over something small...Just thought someone may have some insight. Thanks:)

[anne1707]

It may well be that she is scared at how you would react to this. She knows that would have been a turning point in the affair and that you may have a very different feeling about recovery if the affair had gone physical. Whilst it is better that she tells the truth she may be thinking that not telling you about something that could have happened yet didn't may jeopardise recovery and she does not want to take that risk.

 

Some on here may say that she must be completely honest and that because she is not telling the full truth then she is still in affair fog, don't trust her that it is over etc. However it is for you to decide whether this is something you want to tackle her about and if you believe she is truly committed to rebuilding the marriage then that is the most important thing.

[Justtoodangtired]

SOMETHING SMALL?????? Are you kidding me? That is NOT something small! She is still lying to you and that is OK with you? Don't you see it is the lies that will continue to eat at you and your marriage. You want and need the whole truth to process all of what happened. You can call it what you want but I am astounded how we make excuses for the partners who have betrayed us. If it were me, I would show her and then want her to explain WHY she just wouldn't telll the truth. If she really wanted this to be behind her, she'd have gotten it all out. you can't deal with it, if it's not all out in the open. I think you're cheating yourself here by holding this in. Are you sure there is NOTHING else??? I doubt you can know that!

Good luck to you.

[Natureofbeast]

This may be more about denial on her part as opposed to intentionally lying. That’s not to say she is not lying to you about–but she is in such denial–lying to herself-- at this point that she would have carried it that far that she can not admit it to you. It never happen–isn’t a lie–( to her mind) so much as what she wants to believe–and wants you to believe. Yes, eventually, she does need to face it–the truth. If you have proof, when the time is right, you may want to present it to her. But be prepared for her to deny remembering it. Which may or may not be true also, since you said she was intoxicated.

[dprtman09]

Okay, trying for a long story short. Married, 3 boys, W was involved for about a month in an EA. Typical of what I have been reading. She needed to feel wanted instead of a housewife(I found phone bills). I understand that now and we are working hard on us. Things are going well. She has cried and knows what she did was wrong. D day was 5 Nov, been in NC ever since.

 

However, during my period of trying to understand everything I found a couple of e-mails from w to her friend saying it so boring without him(I can understand that) and that she invited him over one evening when she was intoxicated, however he said he cared for her to much and wouldnt come over, and be responsible for our breakup.

 

That was the night it could have gone from EA tro PA. I believe she wanted it to be PA. All I want is her to admit to that. She wont. She doesnt know I have seen this info.

 

I am moving on as it is what it is...BUT, I wish she would tell me about that night. Recently I asked her if she ever invited him over for anything and she said no. It was just friends that got out of control, she sees what she did wrong, and has to live with that forever.

 

She is geniunely sorry, I just dont know why she wont totally come clean...Its not like I am going to leave her for wanting something that didnt happen. Even if it did, I would work on us to make it work.

 

Is she scared to come clean? What could she be thinking?

 

I know, I am squabbling over something small...Just thought someone may have some insight. Thanks:)

 

Show her what you know!!! Take aim and pick off each item she denies until she has no choice but to take responsibility for her actions. She has not done so if she won't come clean.

[Space Ritual]

Okay, trying for a long story short. Married, 3 boys, W was involved for about a month in an EA. Typical of what I have been reading. She needed to feel wanted instead of a housewife(I found phone bills). I understand that now and we are working hard on us. Things are going well. She has cried and knows what she did was wrong. D day was 5 Nov, been in NC ever since.

 

However, during my period of trying to understand everything I found a couple of e-mails from w to her friend saying it so boring without him(I can understand that) and that she invited him over one evening when she was intoxicated, however he said he cared for her to much and wouldnt come over, and be responsible for our breakup.

 

That was the night it could have gone from EA tro PA. I believe she wanted it to be PA. All I want is her to admit to that. She wont. She doesnt know I have seen this info.

 

I am moving on as it is what it is...BUT, I wish she would tell me about that night. Recently I asked her if she ever invited him over for anything and she said no. It was just friends that got out of control, she sees what she did wrong, and has to live with that forever.

 

She is geniunely sorry, I just dont know why she wont totally come clean...Its not like I am going to leave her for wanting something that didnt happen. Even if it did, I would work on us to make it work.

 

Is she scared to come clean? What could she be thinking?

 

I know, I am squabbling over something small...Just thought someone may have some insight. Thanks:)

 

She wont come clean because she isn't that sorry. What she tried to get him to come over while she was wasted? Don't believe anything out of her mouth. She probably has already gone physical. She wouldn't long for him like that to a friend if it was just emotional...Get tested for STDs and see a lawyer...she is cheating on you.

[seibert253]

You may be getting better, but your marriage will never truly heal until there are no more lies, no more what if's, and everything is out in the open.

 

Are you two in counseling, if not you need to be. I think in a counseling setting, with an objective party present, is the best place to come clean. She needs to "own her sh#t". If it takes you confronting her with what you know, then so be it. Before this, you need to make it crystal clear that you cannot move forward until there are no more secrets. Then give her the opportunity to come clean. If she doesn't then let the cat out of the bag, tell her what you know, and express your hurt and displeasure that she withheld this from you. Withholding info, and not telling equats LYING. Plain and simple. Don't be afraid to rock the boat on this one.

Peace, good luck, and keep us updated.

[JaneInVegas]

You're never going to get 100% satisfaction out of this situation, regardless if she comes completely squeaky clean with you or not. Yes she's afraid to tell you about it, she doesn't want to have to deal with more fall-out.

 

IMO you should just let it go. It's going to take awhile to heal, but you'll get past it. Best of luck to you HUGS

[Spoiled]

You're never going to get 100% satisfaction out of this situation, regardless if she comes completely squeaky clean with you or not. Yes she's afraid to tell you about it, she doesn't want to have to deal with more fall-out.

 

IMO you should just let it go. It's going to take awhile to heal, but you'll get past it. Best of luck to you HUGS

 

Of course she is afraid to tell it. Read the threads, women are far more forgiving of men having affairs. Men are not, they may leave just knowing the wife thought about it.

[imagine]

Hi Acac,

 

Some things that you need to know: Make it safe for your wife to confide in you. Right now you are pushing her away. Don't vilify her. Here is a fact, a woman is firstly emotionally involved- it may have become physical with the right(wrong) prompting.

 

Learn how to protect your marriage. You become the example: If you feel unsafe talking to another lady -tell your wife. Share your past sexual activities, your present difficulties with her infidelity and your future aspirations for your marriage. Hopefully trust will have priority.

 

Pay attention when she speaks. Learn how to understand "womanese". Respond graciously. Express your feelings without condemnation.

 

Do these things and you will be building a new marriage. Make her your Queen of the new order.

[Chingaling]

You're never going to get 100% satisfaction out of this situation, regardless if she comes completely squeaky clean with you or not. Yes she's afraid to tell you about it, she doesn't want to have to deal with more fall-out.

 

IMO you should just let it go. It's going to take awhile to heal, but you'll get past it. Best of luck to you HUGS

 

I am kinda with Jane here... In my experience (many years ago) my husband cheated on me at least twice that I know of for sure (darn long distance truck drivers!). The first time was right after we were married, and the second time he came home with long nail scratches down his entire back not to mention an STD - while I was 8 months pregnant with our first child.

 

His first cheat was a mini relationship that had apparently gone on for a few months, the second apparently just a wild night at a truck stop.

 

I questioned him a lot about the first one, which he denied up and down despite written proof and a witness (don't ask). The details hurt. It took a long time to get past it, especially since it was a "relationship" of sorts...

 

The second time I just rolled over and didn't ask for details. What is the point? So I could torture myself more? So I could get a visual in my head to keep me up at night and twist me into knots of jealousy? So I could pull the visual up at will to flame my anger?

 

Let it go. Don't let those details in your head if you are truly more interested in making your relationship work than you are in punishing her.

[HeyThere]

Your wife is looking for spice, mystery, excitement, a new script…fill in the blanks. Yes I agree you need the truth, but more importantly you want the relationship to jell. Talk, laugh, hold hands, be romantic, think differently about the relationship, help find the spark with her.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[acac2323]

This is being done...I have decided to let it go. She is very upset about what happened. She never pictured herself in that scenario, EVER. Most I have read about here feel the same. I am glad it ended where it did. NC happened quick and is working. There has to be an element of trust to heal, I do feel that.

 

She has said she is so ashamed it went where it did, she didnt see it had become more than friends until I showed her what an EA was...She was so sorry. It has opened both our eyes as to what we BOTH need to do to keep our marriage fresh and fulfilling both of our needs/desires.

 

Some here will not like my decision, but it is what works best for me. She has been so apoligetic and sorry, that I truly believe her remorse. I am not going to start that process over for something that DIDNT happen.

 

Could it have, sure, BUT it didnt. If it did I would be going down a different road and seeking your advice. Thank you all for showing me both sides of the coin. I appreciate all that replied and respect your words as most are learned through many hard times. Thanks again, ACAC

[cody5]

 

She has said she is so ashamed...

 

She has been so apoligetic and sorry, that I truly believe her remorse.

 

 

Consider yourself VERY lucky you got that. I still get the denials, and a natural offshoot is that I am a jealous control freak for pursuing it. She didn't ruin our marriage from her actions, but we are being torn apart now with her denials and lack of closure for me. She won't let me begin the healing process purely to protect her...what?

 

It may not seem like enough to you, but I would love to have what you've gotten from your wife.

[Bryanp]

It is absoluely essential that you show her that you know that she continues to lie to you about not sleeping with the OM and putting the both of you at risk for STD's. You both need to be tested by the way. She needs to know that her lying to you was not successful. If you do not do this then you are sending her a message that lying to you is acceptable.

[2sunny]

you are forgiving and moving forward... what actions has she taken to be sure she isn't tempted again? words are not enough... what is she willing to do to repair your relationship with security that it never happens again?

[Space Ritual]

This is being done...I have decided to let it go. She is very upset about what happened. She never pictured herself in that scenario, EVER. Most I have read about here feel the same. I am glad it ended where it did. NC happened quick and is working. There has to be an element of trust to heal, I do feel that.

 

She has said she is so ashamed it went where it did, she didnt see it had become more than friends until I showed her what an EA was...She was so sorry. It has opened both our eyes as to what we BOTH need to do to keep our marriage fresh and fulfilling both of our needs/desires.

 

Some here will not like my decision, but it is what works best for me. She has been so apoligetic and sorry, that I truly believe her remorse. I am not going to start that process over for something that DIDNT happen.

 

Could it have, sure, BUT it didnt. If it did I would be going down a different road and seeking your advice. Thank you all for showing me both sides of the coin. I appreciate all that replied and respect your words as most are learned through many hard times. Thanks again, ACAC

 

REALLY?

 

So because she has been so apologetic and sorry you decide this is enough for you? What have you really learned? lol

 

Well I will go right ahead and please forgive me for being out of line, but as I remember from your initial thread you came home recently and she had started this thing two weeks after you left to go overseas for a job, is that correct.

 

You came home for a couple of weeks here after being gone since September and you are now just going to sweep this under the rug after thousands of text messages and the invite to come over from the OM and you are letting her off the hook with the Feelgood walking in the park and smelling the roses routine?

 

That will wear off the moment you leave.

 

After all of this you state that "that you know it didn't go PA?"

 

 

lol...you cant be sure of anything but that her lips are moving so most likely she is lying.

 

Once again. forgive me for being harsh , but you are choosing to just run from this and act like this never happened. That young man, is going to be your unndoing.

 

You talk about all she has said...what exactly has she done?

 

Has she written a NC letter to this guy in fornt of you? Or have you had any communication as of recent with the OM? I am sorry but your denial runs very deep. Sounds more like she is telling you what she is going to do, right?

 

So please let us know what steps she has taken (not words...ACTIONS) to allow you to arrive at this decision?

You can't be sure of anything

[HeyThere]

... There has to be an element of trust to heal, I do feel that. ...

 

You can trust her blindly or as the other posters indicate, have her show you the steps she is going through. It seems to me you think you’re walking on egg shells. She won’t crack if you talk with her without raising your voice or physical threat. All along you still need to respond (think) differently about the relationship because your wife is acting out and crying out for what is missing in her world.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[Darth Vader]

Okay, trying for a long story short. Married, 3 boys, W was involved for about a month in an EA. Typical of what I have been reading. She needed to feel wanted instead of a housewife(I found phone bills). I understand that now and we are working hard on us. Things are going well. She has cried and knows what she did was wrong. D day was 5 Nov, been in NC ever since.

 

However, during my period of trying to understand everything I found a couple of e-mails from w to her friend saying it so boring without him(I can understand that) and that she invited him over one evening when she was intoxicated, however he said he cared for her to much and wouldnt come over, and be responsible for our breakup.

 

That was the night it could have gone from EA tro PA. I believe she wanted it to be PA. All I want is her to admit to that. She wont. She doesnt know I have seen this info.

 

I am moving on as it is what it is...BUT, I wish she would tell me about that night. Recently I asked her if she ever invited him over for anything and she said no. It was just friends that got out of control, she sees what she did wrong, and has to live with that forever.

 

She is geniunely sorry, I just dont know why she wont totally come clean...Its not like I am going to leave her for wanting something that didnt happen. Even if it did, I would work on us to make it work.

 

Is she scared to come clean? What could she be thinking?

 

I know, I am squabbling over something small...Just thought someone may have some insight. Thanks:)

 

 

She may be hiding something, like they really did sleep together. It looks to me like there was sex involved, but she doesn't want to tell you maybe for fear of hurting you(she's already hurt BTW), she doesn't realize that she's preventing you from moving past this. She needs to come clean, all I can say is, if you keep digging, you may find something you don't want to know about, but, if you want to find out, keep digging.

[michelangelo]

Dude, you need to address the fact that she is lying to you. This is a double betrayal, and it signifies that she's not ready to move past the affair, or the possibility of another affair. You have to deal with this with her, and get everything out in the open. And if she won't move things out in the open, you need to.

 

The layers of deception involved with a cheating wife are legion.

 

She will not only tell you she didn't screw the guy, but also that she is so glad she didn't because she knows how awful it would be for the two of you if she had, so glad she didn't make that mistake---WHILE STILL BANGING THE GUY!

 

I kow this firsthand.

 

Watch your back.

[2sunny]

The layers of deception involved with a cheating wife are legion.

 

She will not only tell you she didn't screw the guy, but also that she is so glad she didn't because she knows how awful it would be for the two of you if she had, so glad she didn't make that mistake---WHILE STILL BANGING THE GUY!

 

I kow this firsthand.

 

Watch your back.

 

yep, afraid so... happens all the time.

[seibert253]

This is being done...I have decided to let it go. She is very upset about what happened. She never pictured herself in that scenario, EVER. Most I have read about here feel the same. I am glad it ended where it did. NC happened quick and is working. There has to be an element of trust to heal, I do feel that.

 

She has said she is so ashamed it went where it did, she didnt see it had become more than friends until I showed her what an EA was...She was so sorry. It has opened both our eyes as to what we BOTH need to do to keep our marriage fresh and fulfilling both of our needs/desires.

 

Some here will not like my decision, but it is what works best for me. She has been so apoligetic and sorry, that I truly believe her remorse. I am not going to start that process over for something that DIDNT happen.

 

Could it have, sure, BUT it didnt. If it did I would be going down a different road and seeking your advice. Thank you all for showing me both sides of the coin. I appreciate all that replied and respect your words as most are learned through many hard times. Thanks again, ACAC

 

She cheated, lied, is minimizing, and you are just going to "let it go".

Dude please don't mistake my bluntness, but this is foolish.

 

If there are NO Consequences, she will do it again. Don't believe me, read for yourself. Do some research here.

 

I really don't want to come back several months, or a year or so from now and read where you are in a worse situation than you are now.

[2sunny]

She cheated, lied, is minimizing, and you are just going to "let it go".

Dude please don't mistake my bluntness, but this is foolish.

 

If there are NO Consequences, she will do it again. Don't believe me, read for yourself. Do some research here.

 

I really don't want to come back several months, or a year or so from now and read where you are in a worse situation than you are now.

 

when i was M 10 years, he cheated. he never showed true remorse for what he did - just that he got caught. he didn't want to do the hard work to repair what might have been wrong. he just wanted me to "look past it all."

 

at the 20 year mark he did it again, and he was out, no words, no argument, nothing.

 

he never was willing to repair what was broken - so how could i have expected anything different from him?

 

see what i'm getting at?

[jnj express]

Hey ACAC----listen to the people who have taken the time to post of your thread----there is a world of experience talking to you.----Your wife is by herself, gets drunk, and invites a stranger into YOUR home, where YOUR kids reside----what do you think she was looking for---"a nice chat"---she could have done that over the phone or computer. Bottom line here is your wife was willing to bring a complete stranger into YOUR home, where YOUR kids innocently lay sleeping. In all actuality YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED DO YOU---HOW DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE HE DIDN'T COME OVER AND HAVE SEX WITH YOUR WIFE.----

 

She told you what she needed you to hear to keep your mge from blowing up. If she told you she spread her legs for this guy---where would your mge be today.

 

Bottom line---no matter what actually happened----YOUR WIFE INVITED A COMPLETE STRANGER INTO YOUR HOME. cuz she was bored?????

 

Mge.'s get old and boring and stale---but loving partners don't invite strangers into the home. You had better NOT let this slide under the rug cuz SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN, simply cuz of how you are letting it slide this time.---She will say to herself, on another boring day down the road---I can hookup with another man cuz my H. wasn't to tuff on me the last time I tried to sleep around. YOU NEED TO LISTEN TO WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU.

[schewter]

<<Some here will not like my decision, but it is what works best for me. She has been so apoligetic and sorry, that I truly believe her remorse. I am not going to start that process over for something that DIDNT happen.>>

 

You do what you think is best for you and your wife and your situation. You know your wife better than anyone on here and believe me this is the last place you will find objective opinions. Many on here have been betrayed and are not past it...they see the face of their betrayer in every WS mentioned in any story. It sounds like your wife truly is remorseful for what happened and is experiencing adequate feelings of guilt...that can be consequence enough for a person with true concience. Don't let anyone on here goad you into thinking you are somehow naive for believing your wife...misery loves company; your story is your story...their's is their's...there are no experts. Good luck.