Alone at New Years - Am I wrong to think he should want to spend it with me?

[tigereyes1428]

Hi

 

I have just joined this site today as I am so confused as to what to do and how I am feeling, I have 2 sons from previous relationship and a 9 month old baby boy to my current partner, I will try to keep this as brief as possible but for an honest answer I feel I have to be fairly detailed. We were not together long before I fell pregnant and both very unsure what to do re baby, we decided to keep baby and do our best to make it all work, its his first child and he was terrified he would not be a good father. Halfway through the pregnancy we spilt badly, hormones on my part played a huge part along with the stress of the changes i expected from him, he was not willing to give up any of his own time or spend the night with me, i was lonely pregnant and confused, turns out he smokes weed daily(at night) and did not want to stay cos he knows I am fairly intorlerable re these things, any way we went our seperate ways he declared undying love all way through pregnancy promised earth etc but I built a barrier up as coping mechanism and went on alone for fear of wanting him to stay night etc and being told no again - it hurt badly i could not understand why he did not want to be with me overnight. Baby born etc and i slowly began to see why i fell in love with him again and asked him to give us another go by this time he said he was no longer in love with me but loved me, and wanted very much to see if we could work together. so he stays 3 nights a week at mine and does his own thing the other nights, the problem is i feel that the nights that he stays is him spending time with baby and would like at least one night a week for us to have as a couple night to try get relationship strong again (baby sitters are not a problem) he does not want to do this he says all couples put relationship on back burner when baby born and we have no extra money to spend on us time, i have explained that we dont need money etc but he does not want to do anything, and in fact says we should have a break from us and concentrate on the baby. Now new years is here and he basically does not want to spend it with me, he offered to see in bells with me then leave me and baby at home to go out with his friends, i was offered baby sitter so we could do something together he not want to do that. I am so hurt as last year i was pregnant and alone on new years and really wanted this one to be different, I am struggling with post natal depression and cant trust my own judgement or clarity on situation at minute, I would really appreciate some opinions / feedback please

 

thank you in advance

[ordinary_girl]

Hi

 

We were not together long before I fell pregnant and both very unsure what to do re baby, we decided to keep baby and do our best to make it all work, its his first child and he was terrified he would not be a good father.

 

Halfway through the pregnancy we spilt badly, hormones on my part played a huge part along with the stress of the changes i expected from him, he was not willing to give up any of his own time or spend the night with me, i was lonely pregnant and confused, turns out he smokes weed daily(at night) and did not want to stay cos he knows I am fairly intorlerable re these things, any way we went our seperate ways he declared undying love all way through pregnancy promised earth etc but I built a barrier up as coping mechanism and went on alone for fear of wanting him to stay night etc and being told no again - it hurt badly i could not understand why he did not want to be with me overnight.

 

Baby born etc and i slowly began to see why i fell in love with him again and asked him to give us another go by this time he said he was no longer in love with me but loved me, and wanted very much to see if we could work together. so he stays 3 nights a week at mine and does his own thing the other nights, the problem is i feel that the nights that he stays is him spending time with baby and would like at least one night a week for us to have as a couple night to try get relationship strong again (baby sitters are not a problem) he does not want to do this he says all couples put relationship on back burner when baby born and we have no extra money to spend on us time, i have explained that we dont need money etc but he does not want to do anything, and in fact says we should have a break from us and concentrate on the baby. Now new years is here and he basically does not want to spend it with me, he offered to see in bells with me then leave me and baby at home to go out with his friends, i was offered baby sitter so we could do something together he not want to do that.

 

I am so hurt as last year i was pregnant and alone on new years and really wanted this one to be different, I am struggling with post natal depression and cant trust my own judgement or clarity on situation at minute, I would really appreciate some opinions / feedback please

 

thank you in advance

 

I am sorry that you are in this situation. If you are struggling with postnatal depression please go and see a professional.

 

It maybe him why you feel depressed though. I think you can see what is wrong really. You don't know him well, you got pregnant by accident, I don't know if you love him or if you just want the relationship work for the baby but it doesn't sound like you have a future. I think he is trying to do the right thing for your child but he is distancing himself from you.

[tigereyes1428]

thank you for taking the time to reply , i have spoken to the doctor re post natal depression, i just feel very alone, I hope you have a great NY x

[ordinary_girl]

thank you for taking the time to reply , i have spoken to the doctor re post natal depression, i just feel very alone, I hope you have a great NY x

 

it must be very very difficult for you.

 

please remember new years eve is just another evening in the year, it makes no difference to how 2010 will go. please try to spend time with your friends from January onwards, especially if you can get a babysitter so easily

 

you must find someone who is a suitable partner, whether he spends tomorrow night with you or not makes no difference to your future.

[tigereyes1428]

I guess I can see that now - he is coming over and I can tell he does not want to - makes me feel even worse.

[sugarmomma]

You have to stop asking him for affection and attention. If you continue to try to force the situation to be something it isn't you will only cause more pain for yourself. You should accept the reality that he does not want a relationship with you that is why he doesn't want to lead you on by spending new years eve with you. I know how you feel. I am sorta in the same boat but I have moved on and will not seek out this person anymore.

 

You are wrong to think that he should want to spend the ny with you. Because that is NOT what he WANTS. Sorry.

 

The way to deal with loneliness is to not abandon yourself. Be good to yourself and love yourself just the way you are.

 

He is not invested. Let it go.

[tigereyes1428]

i no that your right and i really appreciate your replies - i just dont know where to get the strength to let him go from

[ordinary_girl]

that strength will come. I think you are quite close already

[TheLoneSock]

I guess I can see that now - he is coming over and I can tell he does not want to - makes me feel even worse.

 

No sex tonight. It will play with your emotions and show him he can come back for it whenever. If he's coming it needs to be because he wanted to hang out with you, not to get laid on NYE.