And so the tables turned... (re-do, read this one!)

[therhododendron]

There's this guy I've been on and off with for a good two months now, his name's Matt. At first when we met I thought he was a total creep. I didn't like him at all like that, but he was head-over-heels for me. And he was always talking to me (texting, facebook, aim, etc) Trying to get ahold of me anyway he could.

 

And one night, after a really dramatic fight with my friends, I was desperate to talk to anyone at that point. And of course, cue Matt. We talked over facebook chat for a while, and I was freaking out the entire time... I was pretty much hysterical. And then he called me, and we talked through it for a while and I felt better. I went to bed and didn't think twice of it. I didn't have any stronger feelings for him, still. I just thought it was sweet of him to be there for me. And these phonecalls continued, and we started to talk even more.

 

I still had no intentions of being his girlfriend or anything like that. Infact, I heard from numerous amounts of people he still hadn't quite gotten over his ex (he'd been dating her for 2 years) and he was just desperate to get with another girl. I'd semi-recently broken up with my boyfriend I'd been dating for a year, so I was in need for some lovin' as well. Even though I didn't like Matt, I dropped indistinct hints that I wanted to keep him around.

 

I had him wrapped around my finger.

 

And finally, he invited me to go listen to his band play (he's in a classic metal rock band, he does covers of bands like KISS and Judas Priest.) I accepted and went to his house that same night, and when I watched him intently play his guitar, absorbed in the music, our feets tapping in sync... that's when it hit me. I liked him, a lot. I really, really, really liked him. And so began the friends with benefits. I really enjoyed what we had... even though it was extremely short-lived. We actually slept with eachother, as well... and after that I had a feeling it was time to take the next step. Matt actually asked me out before all of the benefits started, on Halloween to be exact, but I politely said no and that we should take things slowly and be friends first.

 

But abruptly, everything stopped. The secret flings, the cute indistinct flirting that only we would understand... it was like nothing ever happened. I gave it a couple weeks to see if it was just his mood. His home-life wasn't so swell so I gave him sometime... because his family could really drive him off the edge. But nothing seemed to change, and I finally mustered the courage to ask him what was up. He said, "I don't want a relationship right now, ever since what happened with Lauren I don't know if I want to date anyone anymore... or even get married. I really don't want to hurt you, but I want to be honest with you." I appreciated it, I really did. I was mentally prepared to accept the hit and walk off, but something inside me didn't click. I made myself a pathetic mess in front of him, and I made it perfectly clear that I was hurt. (I didn't say this but I wanted to scream at him, "I'M NOT LAUREN!") Anways, it wasn't a good move, I know.

 

I didn't say anything to him for a day, I made it noticable, too. I laughed and giggled with my friends, and would glance over to see him looking over at me. I usually sit with him and my other guy friends as well, but I didn't sit there that day and sat with other people, making it look like nothing was effecting me. Later that day, my friend Becky told me that he was complaining about it the entire time that I was ignoring him.

 

Feeling a little bad, I decided to put the heartbreak that occured the other night aside and talk to him like everything was normal. And everything did go back to normal, but we were just friends. I still had extreme feelings for him, but I knew he didn't feel the same. It killed me. But now... he's starting to get all flirty with me again... but I don't know if it's because he likes me emotionally or if he just wants me sexually.

 

I don't know what he wants, so I'm going with the flow. We're back to being friends with benefits, but we haven't kissed once. We've just gone straight to fourplay (we haven't had sex) Yesterday we went into his bandroom and we did some things, and I think at one point he was going to lean into kiss me, but I rested my head on his shoulder instead. I don't know what he wants from me.

 

He barely texts me anymore, he only texts me a couple times a week asking if I want to hang out or something sexual. Nothing really... emotional. I don't know, I'm so confused now. I want him to like me more than just a sex buddy... and I don't know if that's how he feels. He still complains about his ex to me and our friends all the damn time. Anyways... any suggestions to what his thinking process is? Does he like me emotionally/sexually/both? And how I can get him to want me back? Or.. if he already does, how to I make the move or get him to? Ahh! I'm so confused! Help me!! Feel free to ask any additional questions about it to sum up your awnser better! Whoa.. this turned out to be way longer than I thought, heh.

[WTRanger]

The not kissing you is a very bad sign. Next time, if there is even a next time, you should just plant one on him and see how he reacts. Regardless if you have just only done oral sex or if you have had full blown sex with him, him not kissing you means you are just nothing more than a living sex toy to him.

 

You need to distance yourself from him or else suffer immense pain. There is no way he'll come around. Never, ever, not going to happen. There are quite a few of us on LS who have almost died waiting for people to come around only to be painfully crushed at the end. Save yourself now. Get away from him.

[therhododendron]

Thanks so much for the advice!

 

But I don't know, I'm just afraid to let him go because what if he really does like me more than just a sex toy? I mean, I remember at one point he did try to lean in to kiss me... or maybe he wasn't. Grah, I'm still so confused!

 

So, the next time we hang out, I should just plant one on him and see what he does? We've kissed before, the first time we started our benefits he couldn't keep his lips off of mine! Haha.

[WTRanger]

It is that simple. If you want a guy to kiss you, then kiss him! So, something has happened that has made him stop kissing you. Because people just don't stop cold turkey like that.

 

Just going by what you have said, I really think he is using you. You are just going to hang around and let yourself be used? Something tells me his ex is back in the picture, but maybe not all the way. He's getting his emotional fix from the ex and is still using you for his sexual need. Once he starts getting that need met by the ex, he will drop you like a hot sack of steaming dog turds.

[therhododendron]

This is all very true. He really always is complaining about his ex, even when we had our benefits goin' strong he'd always compare me to her. And he always complains to his friends and me about her, just two days ago when we were all chilling out in his room he says to my other friend, Steve, "Hey, did Lauren text you at like.. 4 in the morning yesterday?" and Steve was like, "Uh, no?" and Matt went off and was like, "Gah, I hate that stupid bitch, sometimes I wish I could just hit her for what she did, you know? I wish she would just get out of my life!" annnd... I was right there the entire time.

 

And a while ago he told me that he dropped her off at her house because she texted him asking him for a ride home. And he also admitted to still talking to her everyday. I don't know, but he's making it seem like she's making all the effort and he's extremely annoyed by it all. But I have a feeling he's enjoying the attention deep down inside, and wants her back more than anything. I know for a fact that if she came running back to him, he'd more than happily accept her back into his arms.

 

Ultimately, you're right. You're entirely right. And I thank you so much for telling me this. I like the bluntness, don't beat around the bush. Just go for the kill and tell me what's up, heh. I wasn't sure about it, so I went with his plans. I'm not the girl that likes to be used, I'm going to just drop him like a pile of crap before he can. And maybe he'll come chasing after me like a love-sick puppy again.

 

After all, it's the new year. New places, new faces, yadda-yadda. Anything goes, and I'm damn ready! (: Thanks again so much for the advice.

[WTRanger]

Exactly, be blunt and direct if you have to with people. You don't deserve to live a life in limbo-land. He should at least have the decency to clue you in as to where you stand in his life. Though, be prepared for a river of BS from him. Just go with your gut instinct. If it looks like sh*t, smells like sh*t, sounds like sh*t, it probably is just that.

 

Take this opportunity to start to see things as they are on the surface, for face value. Learn to stop trying to dig deeper for the deeper meaning because there never is a deeper meaning than what a person is showing you on the surface. When someone says something, you shouldn't have to go all Indiana Jones on them looking for some hidden meaning.

 

He will probably chase, but that is not what you are doing this right? You are doing this to help you find someone who is going to be 100% available for you, not to make this guy chase you. This is about you and you alone. If this guy gives chase and you let him back in your life, you will just go back to feeling like this all over again.

[Mary3]

The take on your benefits friend~~ ( FWB ) :

 

He was clearly hurt by his ex gf and she is ponying up to him right now. He fears he will be hurt again but like most who break up , ppl have a sick fantasy of getting back together for more PAIN.

 

You are a fill in sex friend.

 

He is NOT kissing you. Thats like eating a glaze donut without the glaze : Not good !

 

He is not kissing you because kissing is very personal. You kiss the one you have feelings for...

[bittersweet memories]

So, the next time we hang out, I should just plant one on him and see what he does? We've kissed before, the first time we started our benefits he couldn't keep his lips off of mine! Haha.

 

You are contradicting yourself...on your original post you state:

 

"I don't know what he wants, so I'm going with the flow. We're back to being friends with benefits, but we haven't kissed once".

[Sam_I_Am]

The take on your benefits friend~~ ( FWB ) :

 

He was clearly hurt by his ex gf and she is ponying up to him right now. He fears he will be hurt again but like most who break up , ppl have a sick fantasy of getting back together for more PAIN.

 

You are a fill in sex friend.

 

He is NOT kissing you. Thats like eating a glaze donut without the glaze : Not good !

 

He is not kissing you because kissing is very personal. You kiss the one you have feelings for...

 

Kissing is probably more personal for the girl, not neccesarily for the guy. I read somewhere that a guy kisses a girl to release some of their own testosterone to get them in the mood. If I can find where I read it, i'll post it....

[Sam_I_Am]

Kissing is probably more personal for the girl, not neccesarily for the guy. I read somewhere that a guy kisses a girl to release some of their own testosterone to get them in the mood. If I can find where I read it, i'll post it....

 

It's a long read, but a good one. The part about kissing is at the bottom of page 1.

 

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1704672-2,00.html