OWoman Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I know at least one poster here has argued this for a long time, but now France's leading female psychologist has published a book claiming that As are a sign of a healthy M. I'm not sure if this link is "legal" or not, but there's an article in a UK newspaper about it: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6908022/Husbands-affairs-are-good-for-marriage-claims-French-psychologist.html I haven't read the book, but from the report it seems to me her logic is a little, uhm, not quite joined up. Perhaps the book sheds more light on it? Anyway, this might be one of those "cultural differences" where normal / respected behaviour in one society is viewed with horror in another. Does anyone here buy - or even understand the gist of - her argument? Link to post Share on other sites
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think OJ Simpsons wife felt that way too. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Since it's about men, breathing space and sex, replace 'affair' with 'hooker'. Comments? Now, where we have a man or woman getting their needs for emotional intimacy met outside of their marriage where there is a dearth within it, is that good for the marriage? Essentially, what this methodology banks on is how men stereotypically compartmentalize aspects of their psychology. Kill in the morning; kiss the baby at lunch. For such a man, perhaps having sex with their affair partner or a prostitute can be a healthy enterprise. Hope his W sees it that way Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Ow, I have not read the article you posted here,, but yes, both Dr. Shirley Glass and Peggy Vaughn, both gurus of Infidelity web sites and books, often assert affairs can happen in very happy marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
ordinary_girl Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 France is a more patriarchal society than let's say the UK. the book is a reflection of that. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 She has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.... If I were her husband, would I have an affair....? Hmmm....That's a toughie.... Of course, the French do not look upon an affair as being the cataclysmic devastating matter that the Americans do... see the difference between Francois Mitterand's affairs and those of Bill Clinton..... Hoy! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Can an affair cause a marriage to be happier? I think they can IF the affair fulfills a need that is important to one person and not the other. Having said that, I don't think it can last that way for long. Examples are fun. And sex is always the first reason we think of. And it is something I can relate to. My wife does not see sex as important to her or her marriage. I do. So if I seek out an affair for sex, then I have that need fulfilled. It is possible that now that I have my "sex hunger" satisfied, I may be a better husband and less angry and frustrated with my wife. The question is...can I keep the affair as only a way to fulfill the need for sex, or (most likely) will that affair also become an emotional fulfillment. If emotional fulfillment is obtained outside of my marriage and not from my wife, then it is almost a guarantee that we will drift apart. So in the LT, affairs probably won't help. In the short term, they may. Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 The only way affairs are good for anything, is that it allows the betrayed spouse an exit clause! Link to post Share on other sites
Golfilla Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Anyway, this might be one of those "cultural differences" where normal / respected behaviour in one society is viewed with horror in another. Does anyone here buy - or even understand the gist of - her argument? I can understand the rationale behind the idea although I'm not entirely sure I agree with it. After all, how many of us do ALL our shopping at ONE shop when we go to the mall? A lot of people who are great at relationships aren't always going to be great in bed, and conversely, a lot of people who are great in bed are going to be hopeless at relationships. It's just a fact of life, and one that women exploit just as much as men (hence all the "jerks vs nice guys" threads on this board). On the other hand, when you're dealing with real world human emotions, it's likely that the person who a great relationship partner will feel hurt and rejected if you find someone else to fulfil the sex role, and they would be quite entitled to feel that way in my view. As far as I'm concerned, the real answer is to do all the screwing around, all the dating of jerks, sluts, whatever when you're in your early 20s, and only get into a long term relationship when it's out of your system. Of course, that's often easier said than done. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Does anyone here buy - or even understand the gist of - her argument? No. She's full of sh*t. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 It is the equivalent of saying poison is good for you because it will clean out your system when you are throwing up assuming it does not kill you first. Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Does anyone here buy - or even understand the gist of - her argument? I think this article pretty much explains why the French got their tails kicked in not one but two World Wars... And if it weren't for us (the USA) and our 'cultural differences', they'd be spreken sie Duetsch right about now. VIVE LA DIFFERANCE! Link to post Share on other sites
dprtman09 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I know at least one poster here has argued this for a long time, but now France's leading female psychologist has published a book claiming that As are a sign of a healthy M. I'm not sure if this link is "legal" or not, but there's an article in a UK newspaper about it: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6908022/Husbands-affairs-are-good-for-marriage-claims-French-psychologist.html I haven't read the book, but from the report it seems to me her logic is a little, uhm, not quite joined up. Perhaps the book sheds more light on it? Anyway, this might be one of those "cultural differences" where normal / respected behaviour in one society is viewed with horror in another. Does anyone here buy - or even understand the gist of - her argument? The author needs to go back to the lab and have her bolts tightened! Link to post Share on other sites
threebyfate Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Since this woman promotes non-fidelity, she's got her own agenda for her concept of affairs within marriages. I'm not certain why she's just not saying that she's a huge proponent for open or polyamorous relationships. It's manipulative to hide agenda behind psychology. I don't know ANY emotionally healthy people that believe lying, which is part of cheating, is beneficial to a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 And if it weren't for us (the USA) and our 'cultural differences', they'd be spreken sie Duetsch right about now. VIVE LA DIFFERANCE! That would be "sprechen Sie Deutsch" and wasn't the USA late for both wars? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 I think this article pretty much explains why the French got their tails kicked in not one but two World Wars... And if it weren't for us (the USA) and our 'cultural differences', they'd be spreken sie Duetsch right about now. VIVE LA DIFFERANCE! Actually sweetie, I think you'll find it was a joint allied-forces affair, and much of the German resistance had been weakened by the British, long before you yanks decided to pitch in, after pearl Harbour,.... Besides, the liberating troops were French, and they entered Paris (the Capital) ahead of the allies, ejecting the German troops and taking several high-power German officers as prisoners. (And it's 'différence'....) So think again, my little yankee doodle noodle! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 So think again, my little yankee doodle noodle! D*** Tara - wish I had thought of that one Link to post Share on other sites
foreal Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) Actually sweetie, I think you'll find it was a joint allied-forces affair, and much of the German resistance had been weakened by the British, long before you yanks decided to pitch in, after pearl Harbour,.... Besides, the liberating troops were French, and they entered Paris (the Capital) ahead of the allies, ejecting the German troops and taking several high-power German officers as prisoners. (And it's 'différence'....) So think again, my little yankee doodle noodle! Okay we'll take the Lend-Lease Act back then...which happened MONTHS before Pearl Harbor... And the Normandy Invasion... Edited December 30, 2009 by foreal Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Okay we'll take the Lend-Lease Act back then... Providing arms etc for land - very USA And the Normandy Invasion... Allied forrces yet again Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 (edited) Have I clicked on the wrong second page? What was this thread about again? Just kidding. Battle away. So much for allies! Edited December 30, 2009 by Hazyhead Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted December 30, 2009 Share Posted December 30, 2009 Let's put it into perspective, and then put it to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Blindsidedagainalive Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 I think this article pretty much explains why the French got their tails kicked in not one but two World Wars... And if it weren't for us (the USA) and our 'cultural differences', they'd be spreken sie Duetsch right about now. VIVE LA DIFFERANCE! If it weren't for the French, we Americans may have Brittish accents. France fought the Brittish Navy which was the most powerful in the world, on behalf of American independence. Also, the French who received so much criticism prior to the Iraq invasion, turned out to be correct in their reluctance. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Enough thread jacking - we're all allies here As for the article - I have been a BS and a WS and I can say with all honesty that this woman has got it completely wrong. Affairs eat away at marriages no matter how "discrete" those involved are. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 Wrong or not, I think the author brings up an interesting perspective... that not everyone "does marriage" the same way. And the formula that works and makes one couple happy doesn't necessarily work for the next one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 31, 2009 Share Posted December 31, 2009 With all your respect fellow LSers.. I have not read this article.. but she's not the only 'therapist' that has written on this subject.. I have said it before.. I am convinced that, in some cases.. As are good for the marriage.. as James' examples.. but no commitment has to be the 'rule'.. on either side... therefore an escort is the best solution.. IMO... (always the same woman)... there is no commitment.. it is extremely safe for the MM (she won't kiss and tell)... If he chooses her carefully... and she's clean...no worries for STDs... He won't have to nag and beg for sex at home.... he will be a better husband and father.. everyone will be happier.. Link to post Share on other sites
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