Snowflower Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 No one ever fully recovers from an affair. It's easier for you since you were the one who betrayed, but I am sure your husband will struggle with this for a very long time. He will always wonder which in no way makes for a healthy union I agree, couples can recover from an affair, but the dynamics change. Unless there is a total spiritual turn around in both people, a union will not recover. It's also maybe 5% of unions that do recover. Red, I usually agree with you... However, I was the one betrayed but still feel that the relationship my H and I have now is a much better relationship than the pre-affair marriage ever was. There is something about walking to h*ll and back together (and separately), losing your marriage, each other, and then finding it/each other again that can build a much better relationship. From what I have read here and in other places about affairs, I have come to realize that my marriage is quite unusual, but then again in some ways my marriage has always been a bit unusual, so no surprise there! I do agree though that it takes special individuals who are in a special relationship to successfully and genuinely build a marriage after an affair. It does happen though and I've seen it here. Owl, Anne1707, and other posters here come to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Snowflower, it does take special people to work through that pain. I just read in another thread you posted that your H cheated on once on you. That was not really an affair (though still truly painful). Do you think your struggle would have been the same had he been having an affair for let's say a yr or so with someone else? A think a one nighter would not be considered an affair and much easier to move past and yes may even help a couple realize their shortcomings. Also Anne1707 was the betrayer so it's easier to overcome and work on a relationship when your heart was not ripped to shreds. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 You may forgive. You may recover. You won't ever forget. And that's the saddest part. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 I am familiar with the book although I think the title is slightly different..."My Husband's Affair is the Best Thing That Happened To Me" or something like that. I picked it up to read after my d-day but found it not relevant to my situation. It was more about the author's journey of self-discovery after she found about her H's affair. I didn't read the entire book because it wasn't what I wanted at that point; but I had hoped the author would take about the recovery of her marriage more than she did. this I can attest to. When my ex of 11 yrs has an affair and I walked away, it was the BEST thing that ever happened to me. My journey from healing made me examine who I was and I worked hard on many of my issues from the pain I was dealing with. In this case, yes an affair can help Link to post Share on other sites
Snowflower Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 Snowflower, it does take special people to work through that pain. I just read in another thread you posted that your H cheated on once on you. That was not really an affair (though still truly painful). Do you think your struggle would have been the same had he been having an affair for let's say a yr or so with someone else? A think a one nighter would not be considered an affair and much easier to move past and yes may even help a couple realize their shortcomings. Also Anne1707 was the betrayer so it's easier to overcome and work on a relationship when your heart was not ripped to shreds. Thanks for trying to make me feel better! Unfortunately though, my H did have an A...a short one, a shallow one, but an A nonetheless. Even if it was 'only once' and of course, he tried to remain 'friends' with his AP for a time afterward. You're right though...if his A had been a long-term, intense thing it would have been much more difficult for me to get over. I know I would have felt like something would have been permanently destroyed/broken between my H and me. I like to think that I would have divorced in that case...but I've learned that I can't predict what I would have done until I am actually in that situation. Fortunately, I was not. Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted January 5, 2010 Share Posted January 5, 2010 No one ever fully recovers from an affair. It's easier for you since you were the one who betrayed, but I am sure your husband will struggle with this for a very long time. I Disagree on almost all counts Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1981 Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Affairs good for marriage? Hmmm, read some of my posts, especially lately. They reek of anger, resentment, hurt, and bitterness. I'm falling further and further away from thinking my marriage is going to make it. So I would have to say no, not hardly. Link to post Share on other sites
dprtman09 Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 Yes and LS is filled with happily cheated on spouses with great marriages. I can see the thread now "Hubby had an affair for a year and my marriage is GREAT" It cost us $5000 in therapy, me moving out, us hurting the kids, but after 3 yrs and all this heartache and work, our marriage is WONDERFUL. The snooping gets really exhausting and I can't let him out of my site, but that's what makes the marriage so much better since now I get to spend more time with him" ugh x 1000000000000000! Qu'elle surprise a le cheche la persone! My W was acquainted with someone like you described and it was that person's input that pushed my W to end the A she was having. That person told her how I felt and what she was doing to me and our son. You are on the mark. There is no justification for any A. Link to post Share on other sites
dprtman09 Posted January 6, 2010 Share Posted January 6, 2010 No one ever fully recovers from an affair. It's easier for you since you were the one who betrayed, but I am sure your husband will struggle with this for a very long time. He will always wonder which in no way makes for a healthy union I agree, couples can recover from an affair, but the dynamics change. Unless there is a total spiritual turn around in both people, a union will not recover. It's also maybe 5% of unions that do recover. Boy, are you right! My W had an affair and now that it's over, the dynamics have changed. The key is that we have to rebuild thee 2-way street with new sewers to allow the runoff of the further waste that will occur as the A comes fully unravelled (did I spell that right?). Better infrastructure is the way. We have to agree to ddisagree on some points, but the ultimate goal must be bigger than both of us until we make it our own again. It's been over a year since the end of the A, but healthy discussions are the rule now. Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted January 7, 2010 Share Posted January 7, 2010 Since it's about men, breathing space and sex, replace 'affair' with 'hooker'. Comments? Now, where we have a man or woman getting their needs for emotional intimacy met outside of their marriage where there is a dearth within it, is that good for the marriage? Essentially, what this methodology banks on is how men stereotypically compartmentalize aspects of their psychology. Kill in the morning; kiss the baby at lunch. For such a man, perhaps having sex with their affair partner or a prostitute can be a healthy enterprise. Hope his W sees it that way Well said Carhill, and agreed. OE Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts