Can you explain why I'm pissed off with this guy?

[PlumPrincess]

There is this guy that I know from my dancing school. I went out with him a couple of times to go dancing and I thought it was clear that I was only interested in dancing and nothing else. For example, he told me that he had gone out with one of the girls for dancing and after that she sort of ignored him. I asked him if he had tried to hit on her and he said no. My unwritten message was that going out with someone to dance is not the same as having a date and does not imply anything beyond dancing (yes, I think, this was a very clear message).

 

A while ago I also mentioned to him this guy that I like. Nevertheless, I'm starting to have the feeling that he's not getting it. I find him calling too much, wanting to dance with me too much (the other day, we went to this party together, more or less, I would have also gone there without him since I knew that other people from my dancing school would be there). I sort of had to sneak away. If he's not dancing with me, he's always standing there, looking and I'm starting to be a bit angry about that. He's a good dancer, but quite overweight and I just found out that he sometimes will get turned down, which is quite rude. This is also a reason why I do not want to dance with him all the time or do certain moves. I'm also somewhat irritated that he wanted me to do this Bachata workshop with him. There's this huge belly between us and I do not want to dance that close with someone and having this belly in front of me. I'm barely 5' 2", he's much taller than me.

 

Anyway, from my point of view, I consider this friendship to be quite platonic. I don't want him to expect that I will be attracted to him.

 

Tonight we both were at the same Salsa party. I was wearing a top that was nice and looked good on me. He looks me up and down and I knew that he thought I looked good and I'm getting this strong reaction - I'm getting pissed off. I'm like, "What?" He says I look really good.

 

Can someone explain to me why I have this strong reaction and whether it's justified?

[melodymatters]

You're getting angry beacuse you are FEELING stressed.

 

You are feeling stressed because he is making you feel uncomfortable....

 

 

 

.... and you are feeling uncomfortable beacuse you are not taking control of your own life. It's probably because you were raised to be a "nice girl" as was I, and you feel pressure to not hurt anyone elses feelings.

 

Best to speak up, the weight will be lifted from your shoulders. You can't control how he feels in the end.

 

Good luck !

[PlumPrincess]

You're right. I've actually started cutting off contact with people when I suspected that they wanted more, because I didn't want to waste my time anymore. In this case, I should have known right from the start that this was a mistake. I thought I had made it clear to him where I was standing, but that's the last time I made this mistake. People are too stupid or do not want to understand my hints. I'm so upset, that I slept badly and woke up after four hours. And also because of someone else... Anyway, enough is enough. And if he wants to be more attractive to more potential dance partners, he should lose weight or deal with the fact that women who want overweight dance partners/romantic partners are fewer. But that's his problem.

 

Thanks for your help!

[PlumPrincess]

What would have been a better reaction when he looked me up and down? I felt a sudden flash of extreme irritation. I have to say that I'm a very bad-tempered person and I'm trying to take control of it, but I'm not sure how.

[stillafool]

Why don't you just decline to dance with him. Also talk about a "boyfriend" to let him know you are not available. Be polite and move on when he approaches you. It seems pretty simple to me.

[PlumPrincess]

Why don't you just decline to dance with him. Also talk about a "boyfriend" to let him know you are not available. Be polite and move on when he approaches you. It seems pretty simple to me.

But I've already mentioned that I'm interested in someone else and he knows that I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pissed off, because I've dropped a f*cking hint and he's obviously choosing to ignore it deliberately. I should have known better, I should not cut guys that much slack from the beginning.

[stillafool]

Well if you have dropped hints, then you have no other choice but to be "rude" and "abrupt" with him. This is the only way to keep him away from you. Unforturnately some guys refuse to take a hint and may think you are just playing hard to get. Let him know that you are definitely not interested in him but are pursuing someone else.

[WTRanger]

But I've already mentioned that I'm interested in someone else and he knows that I don't have a boyfriend. I'm pissed off, because I've dropped a f*cking hint and he's obviously choosing to ignore it deliberately. I should have known better, I should not cut guys that much slack from the beginning.

 

Here's some advice. STOP DROPPING HINTS!!!

 

Guys do not speak in hints, or hintanese, only girls do. Be direct, forward and honest with him. Anything less, it's your fault if he doesn't get your hints because you are not speaking his language. Believe me, as a guy he's lost his hintanese Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and decoder chart a long time ago.

 

You might think your are being clear by your hints but to him you may just be playing a game. Or, your hints are not exactly that clear to him. Remember, they are just hints. So cut that crap out! Just tell him exactly what you want to tell him, and don't cover it so full of BS that the truth gets lost.

Edited December 31, 2009 by WTRanger

[PlumPrincess]

Here's some advice. STOP DROPPING HINTS!!!

 

Guys do not speak in hints, or hintanese, only girls do. Be direct, forward and honest with him. Anything less, it's your fault if he doesn't get your hints because you are not speaking his language. Believe me, as a guy he's lost his hintanese Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and decoder chart a long time ago.

 

You might think your are being clear by your hints but to him you may just be playing a game. Or, your hints are not exactly that clear to him. Remember, they are just hints. So cut that crap out! Just tell him exactly what you want to tell him, and don't cover it so full of BS that the truth gets lost.

I'm telling him that I like someone else and it's not clear enough to that I'm not interested in him? :bunny: :bunny:

[Phateless]

Guys don't take hints. If we understood subtlety we'd have an easier time getting girls in the first place.

 

Stop going to the dances with him. If he tries to go together just say "Oh I'll just see you there." When he stands next to you, walk off and ask someone to dance. Ignore calls and only call him when you actually want to see him.

 

It sounds a bit rude but it will send the message you want. I refuse dances sometimes by saying "I'm resting," or "actually I was going to the bathroom," or what have you.

 

The first step is to just stop spending time with him. I've had female friends start to act as if they want more and it is uncomfortable if I don't feel the same. You have to put some distance between you two.

[WTRanger]

I'm telling him that I like someone else and it's not clear enough to that I'm not interested in him? :bunny: :bunny:

 

Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

 

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

 

No hints, no subtly, no BS.

[Phateless]

Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

 

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

 

No hints, no subtly, no BS.

 

That's an awkward conversation to have and will make things awkward. You don't know what the dancing scene is like. I agree that it will send the message clearly but we don't want bad energy in a small dance scene.

 

I say you just stop dancing with him, except maybe one per night and that's it. If he asks, just say "no thank you" and don't let him insist. Say your feet hurt, you don't want to right now, you promised a dance to someone else, you're going to the bathroom, etc. Then walk away.

 

And STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM.

[PlumPrincess]

That's an awkward conversation to have and will make things awkward. You don't know what the dancing scene is like. I agree that it will send the message clearly but we don't want bad energy in a small dance scene.

 

I say you just stop dancing with him, except maybe one per night and that's it. If he asks, just say "no thank you" and don't let him insist. Say your feet hurt, you don't want to right now, you promised a dance to someone else, you're going to the bathroom, etc. Then walk away.

 

And STOP HANGING OUT WITH HIM.

For the moment, I'm also going to vote for doing nothing. I have told people in the past that I did not believe in friendship between men and women and that I did not want further contact with them, but these were people I would not run the risk of ever seeing again. This is indeed a small scene (and I'm glad that there is another Salsa dancer here to give advice, far away from where I live ).

 

By the way, I got stood up by my Salsa teachers on New Year's eve. At least, I partied enough yesterday to be a too tired to be overly upset about this now.

[PlumPrincess]

Nope! He's interested in you, and therefore he's in full on chase mode. Here is what he hears, "Blah, blah, blah, I want you to chase me even harder if you want to win me over his guy."

 

You know what would be clear? Say this, "I don't like you anymore than a dancing partner/acquaintance. But it is obvious you want this to be something it cannot be. So I think we should stop dancing together, etc."

 

No hints, no subtly, no BS.

I would just like to clarify that I'm not that much into BS and that I wasn't intentionally leading him on, but it's also not necessarily a subject where I feel that the direct approach is the best one. Men are quite often very willing to believe that women are leading them on, but believe me, more often than not, they don't want to hear the truth and will refuse to accept it. I don't like to cause people pain and I do usually make an honest effort to be nice and respectful and I have their best in mind, but it seems men will then conclude that you are weak. That is until you let out your inner bitch and then they complain. These little darlings...

[Phateless]

For the moment, I'm also going to vote for doing nothing. I have told people in the past that I did not believe in friendship between men and women and that I did not want further contact with them, but these were people I would not run the risk of ever seeing again. This is indeed a small scene (and I'm glad that there is another Salsa dancer here to give advice, far away from where I live ).

 

By the way, I got stood up by my Salsa teachers on New Year's eve. At least, I partied enough yesterday to be a too tired to be overly upset about this now.

 

Aww, sorry to hear that! Yeah I'm glad I have direct contextual experience form which to advise, lol. That's gonna come in handy every now and then.

[PlumPrincess]

An update:

 

I got a phone call on Wednesday from him again, telling me that it seemed like I was avoiding him. I pretended I didn't know about anything and asked him what he meant. He said, that I didn't call him anymore, which is such a nonsense, because I never called him for the sheer amusement. If I called it was to get information about dance schools and Salsa or to clarify when we would meet, but even these phone calls were rare.

 

I told him in a friendly way that I wasn't much into calling, that I have no desire to talk to anybody and that the only person I called in a while was my mom. I told him, the only reason why I would usually pick up the phone, is that I wanted to complain about something. Also, that there was nothing exciting going on in my life that I wanted to talk about. I said, that if he called to talk to me, then fine, I would talk to him, but that I personally didn't care about talking on the phone.

 

So, he called me on 26 Dec to go out (we ended going to the party together, because I was at his place first to practice, but I would have gone there anyway without him), then on 30 Dec to go out (I declined, but we ended in the same place, because the other place I wanted to go was closed) and then on 6 January. I find this too much.

 

I'm now very inclined to tell him in clear words that I think we should reduce contact. I don't think he's going to get it and I'm not keen on him having me contact over and over again asking me if something or what is wrong.

 

As a side note: There's another guy who's been bugging me for a while. We met a couple of times, but I started to feel uncomfortable, because he kept on touching me (not at inappropriate spots, but still) and doing all these grinding moves. I told him I didn't like that much body contact. He told me I was too blunt and that he would understand hints. Well, I continued to receive emails with invitations and trivial questions. I let days pass and gave very short answers. The last one where he wished me a happy new year I ignored and he stopped writing. We saw each other at a party a couple of days ago, but it remained at a short hello. Next day I get an email asking me if I want to practice with him, of course without closer body contact.

 

My conclusion based on these guys and others I have met in my life: some guys are extremely stupid. I'm not sure what is going on in their f*cking little brain, but they don't want to understand a no. In these two cases, I haven't become angry yet, but in others, I've become really mad and they continued their stupid games with me. I'm so pissed off now, I'm not sure if I should write them a message now or wait.

[Simon Attwood]

Tonight we both were at the same Salsa party. I was wearing a top that was nice and looked good on me. He looks me up and down and I knew that he thought I looked good and I'm getting this strong reaction - I'm getting pissed off. I'm like, "What?" He says I look really good.

 

Can someone explain to me why I have this strong reaction and whether it's justified?

 

you're an animal

 

you're an animal that feels threatened

 

you're an animal that feels afraid

 

Something about his interest towards you is what you are afraid of and it is creating a fight response in you.

[6070]

If this perv is looking you up and down and is doing it obviously it is because he wants you to know that he likes you. (thats how some guys operate)

 

What you need to do is say to him "please stop looking at me like that, it makes me feel uncomfortable."

 

Be honest with him and tell him with a straight serious face, (no smiling otherwise that can be misconstrued too). If you don't want to be that frank with him, he will continue to perv over you.

 

be cruel to be kind.

[WTRanger]

An update:

 

I got a phone call on Wednesday from him again, telling me that it seemed like I was avoiding him. I pretended I didn't know about anything and asked him what he meant.

 

Once again you had your chance to tell guy #1 and you failed, see the bold part. Why are you still keeping the lie up? Why pretend? You do realize that YOU and YOU alone are the sole reason why this is still going, right?

 

Here's another example:

 

I said, that if he called to talk to me, then fine, I would talk to him, but that I personally didn't care about talking on the phone.

 

I'm now very inclined to tell him in clear words that I think we should reduce contact. I don't think he's going to get it and I'm not keen on him having me contact over and over again asking me if something or what is wrong.

 

In the two quotes above, can anyone else spot the conflicting information she is feeding these guys? You think you should reduce contact, yet you've told him that if he calls you will talk to him. What in the Hell is he supposed to do? This is why these guys in your life never "get it" because you feed them conflicting lines, or you tell them one thing yet are thinking the exact opposite.

 

You are doing the same with guy #2. You are uncomfortable, you start to tell him, then you let him dangle on a string. I'm sure you act all nicey-dicey to his face, then rip him to shreds in private or to total strangers on the internet. His comment about getting hints is 100% wrong. Guys don't get hints, they only get direct messages. Hence, you are not being direct with both of these guys and they are still chasing you around.

 

Your observations are wrong as well, because you've never told either of these two guys a flat out no, again see the bold part. You pretend you don't know what they are talking about. You pretend nothing is wrong. You side step, you tell maybe's, half-truths, and two-faced lies. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, you play a small role in this if it keeps happening over and over again to you? Even if you are opting to do nothing in these situations, you are still playing a role.

[Phateless]

An update:

 

I got a phone call on Wednesday from him again, telling me that it seemed like I was avoiding him. I pretended I didn't know about anything and asked him what he meant. He said, that I didn't call him anymore, which is such a nonsense, because I never called him for the sheer amusement. If I called it was to get information about dance schools and Salsa or to clarify when we would meet, but even these phone calls were rare.

 

I told him in a friendly way that I wasn't much into calling, that I have no desire to talk to anybody and that the only person I called in a while was my mom. I told him, the only reason why I would usually pick up the phone, is that I wanted to complain about something. Also, that there was nothing exciting going on in my life that I wanted to talk about. I said, that if he called to talk to me, then fine, I would talk to him, but that I personally didn't care about talking on the phone.

 

So, he called me on 26 Dec to go out (we ended going to the party together, because I was at his place first to practice, but I would have gone there anyway without him), then on 30 Dec to go out (I declined, but we ended in the same place, because the other place I wanted to go was closed) and then on 6 January. I find this too much.

 

I'm now very inclined to tell him in clear words that I think we should reduce contact. I don't think he's going to get it and I'm not keen on him having me contact over and over again asking me if something or what is wrong.

 

As a side note: There's another guy who's been bugging me for a while. We met a couple of times, but I started to feel uncomfortable, because he kept on touching me (not at inappropriate spots, but still) and doing all these grinding moves. I told him I didn't like that much body contact. He told me I was too blunt and that he would understand hints. Well, I continued to receive emails with invitations and trivial questions. I let days pass and gave very short answers. The last one where he wished me a happy new year I ignored and he stopped writing. We saw each other at a party a couple of days ago, but it remained at a short hello. Next day I get an email asking me if I want to practice with him, of course without closer body contact.

 

My conclusion based on these guys and others I have met in my life: some guys are extremely stupid. I'm not sure what is going on in their f*cking little brain, but they don't want to understand a no. In these two cases, I haven't become angry yet, but in others, I've become really mad and they continued their stupid games with me. I'm so pissed off now, I'm not sure if I should write them a message now or wait.

 

You're doing everything but avoiding telling him no. You're making excuses why your behavior DOES NOT mean no.

 

I know it's because you hate feeling guilty, but do it anyway. You've just told him that you not calling him DOES NOT mean he should leave you alone, that you just don't like the phone.

 

You've actually sent the OPPOSITE message of what you intended.

[alphamale]

There is this guy that I know from my dancing school. I went out with him a couple of times to go dancing and I thought it was clear that I was only interested in dancing and nothing else.

nerds don't understand these types of messages

[Phateless]

An update:

 

I got a phone call on Wednesday from him again, telling me that it seemed like I was avoiding him. I pretended I didn't know about anything and asked him what he meant. He said, that I didn't call him anymore, which is such a nonsense, because I never called him for the sheer amusement. If I called it was to get information about dance schools and Salsa or to clarify when we would meet, but even these phone calls were rare.

 

You told him that you are not avoiding him.

 

I told him in a friendly way that I wasn't much into calling, that I have no desire to talk to anybody and that the only person I called in a while was my mom. I told him, the only reason why I would usually pick up the phone, is that I wanted to complain about something. Also, that there was nothing exciting going on in my life that I wanted to talk about. I said, that if he called to talk to me, then fine, I would talk to him, but that I personally didn't care about talking on the phone.

 

You told him that you WANT to call him but don't have a reason to.

 

So, he called me on 26 Dec to go out (we ended going to the party together, because I was at his place first to practice, but I would have gone there anyway without him), then on 30 Dec to go out (I declined, but we ended in the same place, because the other place I wanted to go was closed) and then on 6 January. I find this too much.

 

I'm now very inclined to tell him in clear words that I think we should reduce contact. I don't think he's going to get it and I'm not keen on him having me contact over and over again asking me if something or what is wrong.

 

Yes, you should do this. So far you've told him twice that he should KEEP CONTACTING YOU.

 

As a side note: There's another guy who's been bugging me for a while. We met a couple of times, but I started to feel uncomfortable, because he kept on touching me (not at inappropriate spots, but still) and doing all these grinding moves. I told him I didn't like that much body contact.

 

You didn't tell him that he's bugging you. You told him that you don't like body contact, but that he is just fine.

 

He told me I was too blunt and that he would understand hints. Well, I continued to receive emails with invitations and trivial questions. I let days pass and gave very short answers. The last one where he wished me a happy new year I ignored and he stopped writing. We saw each other at a party a couple of days ago, but it remained at a short hello. Next day I get an email asking me if I want to practice with him, of course without closer body contact.

 

My conclusion based on these guys and others I have met in my life: some guys are extremely stupid. I'm not sure what is going on in their f*cking little brain, but they don't want to understand a no. In these two cases, I haven't become angry yet, but in others, I've become really mad and they continued their stupid games with me. I'm so pissed off now, I'm not sure if I should write them a message now or wait.

 

Honestly, you are telling these guys the opposite of what you mean. You are sending them signals to go away and then inventing reasons why your signals DON'T mean to go away, because you feel guilty telling them to go away, even though they bug you.

 

Right now your only battle is with YOUR OWN GUILT. Deal with it. Ovary up (I'd say sack up, but you're a woman) and tell them you don't want to hang out but you'll see them at salsa.

 

STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR YOUR BEHAVIOR. If he says you've been avoiding his calls, admit to it and say "I'd like to only see you at salsa, if that's all right." Yes, it will hurt his feelings, but right now you're jerking his chain because you're too much of a wuss to send a clear message.

 

Good luck!

[Simon Attwood]

Honestly, you are telling these guys the opposite of what you mean.

 

either that, or telling herself the opposite of what she means

[PlumPrincess]

Ok, ok, ok. Phateless and WTRanger, I see your point and you are kind of right. But see, if someone told me, you can call me if you want to, but I don't feel like calling anybody else, I have no desire to talk to anybody, I'd understand that this person is not going to make any effort and letting me do all the work. I would not be really thrilled about this from someone I had a romantic interest in. Or, I was going to take a dance class and he told me to tell him so that we could do it together. I said, well, I think, I would like to meet other people, it would be ok doing it with you, because I know you can lead, but I wouldn't mind not having a partner and meeting new people.

 

Guy #2 got a clear message that I felt uncomfortable dancing with him too close. The reason why I don't want to even hang out or dance with him anymore is the constant messaging. I barely responded to them. For a couple of days everything was fine and then suddenly he suggests that we do practice together.

 

I do have a problem with telling these people that I don't want to be friends with them. That I think that underneath the disguise of friendship are other motives. I would find it easier if they had told me clearly that they were interested in something more. I find it hard to reject people as friends.

[PlumPrincess]

Ok, I'm going to tell them off. They're getting on my nerves with their emails and phone calls and whatever.

 

Oh man, I just hope that destiny will not take revenge and condemn me to a life of loneliness.

 

Alphamale, did I mention that the second guy is Indian?

 

By the way, I really just call my mom.