ziggue Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 What does everyone think about bitching? (Talking behind peoples backs) Do you think it's normal for friends to do this? Especially girls? My friends do it a fair bit but we all end up hearing about what goes on in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Normal? Yes. Cool? No. Girls do it a lot, in my experience. Girls tend to have friendships that are closer together, yet further apart, does that make any sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ziggue Posted December 23, 2003 Author Share Posted December 23, 2003 I don't think it's a good thing to do either. I'm the one in the group that rarely does it but. We have been friends for years though and we are all pretty close. Is that what you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 I mean, girls are extremely close, they tell each other stuff, and are comfortable with consolations and such--they just seem more compassionate. Whereas guys tend to still be a little defensive in their social groups. However, when it comes down to it, a good guy will stick up for his bros, but the girl is quick to be talking %#@% about her friend behind the back. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 i gotta say, i have only ever had two female friends that did not trash me or our other friends behind their backs. i listen to it once, and then i drop them as friends, though not as acquaintances. this is totally intolerable to me - even if they try to excuse it by saying they just had to vent, or cry, or whatever. i don't have a lot of close female friends, frankly. but the ones i have i would kill for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ziggue Posted December 23, 2003 Author Share Posted December 23, 2003 I agree with you there girls can go both ways. Either stick up for you or tell you what they really think but even though it may be bad that could be a good thing and help you out as well. Depending on what the conversation is. Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 I think everyone does their fair share of bitching about their friends, (male or female). It's normal. There are some things that you feel about your friends that aren't necessarily the wisest things to say right to them. This is what your trustsed spouse or other friend is for. I have one friend that I never, ever have any gripes about, and he is the one I go to when I just need to release. He understands where I am coming from, he laughs or screams with me, and we have enough trust that he doesn't feel on edge or suspicious that I might be bitching about him to others. This is not to say that I believe in being two-faced. At all times, when it can be put gently, and is in fact in an attempt to help the other person and not just judge them, I will take any issues directly to the person involved. However, there are some topics, (such as how people raise their kids, their family dynamic, and other issues,) that are best not discussed, or if so, extremely cautiously. Link to post Share on other sites
monkey00 Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 eh..im a guy, but i guess its perfectly normal for girls to B**** and gossip all the time. im a guy and i find it pointless to be gossiping about ppl, i dont give a crap about him/her, non of my concern/business anyway. what they do is their own business, i dont have the time nor interest in talkin about others ...its like why be so nosey? but normal for girls i suppose... i remember when my female friend like to gossip about certain ppl to me and i just go "oh.." but not be part of the converstaion. i remember i had a teacher in hs when he told us his experience dorming in college. he and friends were talkin about others behind their backs. then when they walk in and the other guys left, they were talk about them. he said "who knows they could be talkin about me behind my back" so yea...u know... what goes around comes around...it'll always happen without expecting Link to post Share on other sites
TUSCAN Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 most people do a little bit of bitching.. i think its natural.. some people take it too far though. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I work with alot of guys.....and I've found this is NOT gender specific to females. I have found that men rarely "repeat" what is said in a conversation about another person like most females are prone to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted January 2, 2004 Moderators Share Posted January 2, 2004 My $0.02: If you really have something to say, go to the person and have the emotional and spiritual strength to tell them...tactfully but directly. Bitch not, or ye shall be deemed bitches. Bleep that if ya wish mods . ) Curt Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by Curt My $0.02: If you really have something to say, go to the person and have the emotional and spiritual strength to tell them...tactfully but directly. Okay, so if I have a friend who rarely sees her own children, likes to drop them off at any family member's house who will take them for an extended period of time, but still collects child support, I should take it upon myself to voice my judgement on that?!? I'm sorry, no ... some things are better left unsaid. Some things irritate me, however, it doesn't mean they're my business to discuss. I can't help how I feel, how I internally judge people, but I can do something about keeping my foot out of my mouth ... Nobody's perfect, and you and your friends won't always agree ... sometimes you need to vent. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted January 2, 2004 Moderators Share Posted January 2, 2004 SORRY BUT, I respectfully disagree with your assessment. If we were to use the same line of logic, that argument could be potentially used to allow instances of known fraud or even child neglect to keep going on. The reason we DO have the right to voice an opinion is that it helps maintain a fabric of society that ensures a somewhat safe world for us all to live in. My solution to your situation (which I hope is hypothetical): Give your friend the right to defend what she is doing to the emotional health of the children, OR...if you wish to do less to the friend's face...alert authorities of possible child neglect by your friend...for the good of the children, and the greater good of society!!! Your right to disagree is noted, but personally, I find such an argument unsettling at best and frightening at worst. Curt Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 i'm bitchy about the people i volunteer with, oddly. really, are there only two haircuts for activist women: the bob and the shorn? but i digress. if you are genuinely concerned, that's not bitching. if you were worried about the mother: is she overwhelmed, depressed, in some way suffering that would cause this behaviour? - then it's kind. humane. it's the difference between understanding and judging, i think. in this situation, the difference might look like this: bitching: -snide under comments to mutual friends for months -sneaking in poison-feminine tip and techniques form one's own exemplary child-rearing -comparisons of gossip subject to dysfunctional families on television -saying directly negative things about the mother in front of one's spouse or children concern: -offers, not snidely made, to help the mother -figuring out any other motive for the mother excepting laziness and greed -sympathy for children who will grow up believing the system is so corrupt that the only way to win is to cheat -i'm with Curt on this one: straightforward, *private,* conversation with the mother about your concerns that might end up in alienating friendship, but this isn't much of a friendship anyway if you feel that disrespectfully towards her -by private i mean: not discussed with any other friends or family members i think we discuss things we care about, and bitch about things which threaten us. i'm a little threatened by earnestness - i don't know how to operate without a base level of irony - so i amuse my insecurities by dwelling on the extraordinary predictability of their clothes, conversation, and even mannerisms. in this case, i have no real concern except i don't really belong in those circles. Link to post Share on other sites
lipglossboost Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Originally posted by Curt SORRY BUT, I respectfully disagree with your assessment. If we were to use the same line of logic, that argument could be potentially used to allow instances of known fraud or even child neglect to keep going on. Your argument does nothing to change my opinion, and her family dynamic has nothing at all to do with how good of a friend she is to me or others. They are seperate issues. As far as the 'fraud and child neglect', apparently you didn't read correctly .. the children are NOT neglected. They are well cared for, by other family members. Her ex-husband's mother, to be exact, and he is aware of the situation, as is the child support division. She has legal custody, she gets child support. Period. If you had any knowledge of the family court systems and how they work, (or don't, such as it is,) then you would realize the flaws in your statements. I will not be returning to this thread, as ignorance and self-righteousness irritate me and this thread is fast becoming a source of irritation. Link to post Share on other sites
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