When will he come around?

[whatstheholdup]

You've seen this one a thousand times in different variations but my story is a little different...

 

My boyfriend 26 and me 24 will have been together for 4 years (coming in March) and living together for about 3 or 3 1/2 years. When we first were dating he said that he wanted to be with someone for 5 years before getting married. I didn't think much of it because we had just been dating for maybe 6 months at the time? I didn't think about it because I thought things would change once we were together...after all once you know...you know right? Besides I wasn't looking to get married then either... it was the last thing on my mind.

 

Well 2 years in to the relationship I'm ready to get married. I know he's the one. I start to bring it up and talk about it openly with him. We both agree that we're going to get married but he has his hang up of "not being ready". I ask him why he's not ready and to elaborate on it and he has no other excuse than "not being ready". I decide that more time is fine I can wait a little longer. I bring up his 5 year thing that he's so adimant about and I say "if you want to be with someone for 5 years before you're married then I at least want to be engaged by 4". I told him that about a month after our 3rd year anniversary and I told him that I would be moving out in a year if he doesn't want to compromise on this.

 

Well our 4th year anniversary is the beginning of March... Only 2 months away... No proposal... I haven't brought up the subject of marriage in a few months because I didn't want to be a nag anymore. My sister had just finished reading a book that said if you want a guy to propose quit talking about it and if in 3 months he doesn't then you need to move on. The reasoning behind it is because the men need to feel like it was their idea which totally makes sense. I'm giving him more time than that but I'm really worried...

 

It's so strange too my BF's friends always are like hey dude when are you guys getting married??? It's like his friends want us to get married he's the only one who doesn't???

 

Oh a little background on our parents relationships...

My parents 1st marriage and still happily married

his parents 3rd marriage each and both are lasting now.

I understand that he's cautious about marriage because he doesn't want to turn out like his parents. But I am too, I don't want to be his 1st of 3 wives. Afterall it really doesn't matter if your parents have been divorced or not it shoudln't matter when making a decision. I have friend of both divorced and non divorced parents... when their guy knew it was right there was no stopping him...

 

So basically I guess I'm wondering what's wrong with me??

[norajane]

If you're tired of waiting, then it's time to move on. Start looking for apartments. Start packing up your boxes. You gave him a deadline, so act on it. If you don't, he'll know you were full of sh*t and will wait as long as he wants to wait.

[Malenfant]

You've seen this one a thousand times in different variations but my story is a little different...

 

My boyfriend 26 and me 24 will have been together for 4 years (coming in March) and living together for about 3 or 3 1/2 years. When we first were dating he said that he wanted to be with someone for 5 years before getting married. I didn't think much of it because we had just been dating for maybe 6 months at the time? I didn't think about it because I thought things would change once we were together...after all once you know...you know right? Besides I wasn't looking to get married then either... it was the last thing on my mind.

 

Well 2 years in to the relationship I'm ready to get married. I know he's the one. I start to bring it up and talk about it openly with him. We both agree that we're going to get married but he has his hang up of "not being ready". I ask him why he's not ready and to elaborate on it and he has no other excuse than "not being ready". I decide that more time is fine I can wait a little longer. I bring up his 5 year thing that he's so adimant about and I say "if you want to be with someone for 5 years before you're married then I at least want to be engaged by 4". I told him that about a month after our 3rd year anniversary and I told him that I would be moving out in a year if he doesn't want to compromise on this.

 

Well our 4th year anniversary is the beginning of March... Only 2 months away... No proposal... I haven't brought up the subject of marriage in a few months because I didn't want to be a nag anymore. My sister had just finished reading a book that said if you want a guy to propose quit talking about it and if in 3 months he doesn't then you need to move on. The reasoning behind it is because the men need to feel like it was their idea which totally makes sense. I'm giving him more time than that but I'm really worried...

 

It's so strange too my BF's friends always are like hey dude when are you guys getting married??? It's like his friends want us to get married he's the only one who doesn't???

 

Oh a little background on our parents relationships...

My parents 1st marriage and still happily married

his parents 3rd marriage each and both are lasting now.

I understand that he's cautious about marriage because he doesn't want to turn out like his parents. But I am too, I don't want to be his 1st of 3 wives. Afterall it really doesn't matter if your parents have been divorced or not it shoudln't matter when making a decision. I have friend of both divorced and non divorced parents... when their guy knew it was right there was no stopping him...

 

So basically I guess I'm wondering what's wrong with me??

 

so you thought you'd give him an ultimatum and everything would be fine.

 

let me ask you something, when you're not ready to do something, do you appreciate being forced into it?

do you like someone telling you that although they love you, and although you're 'the one' they are going to leave you unless you have a piece of paper and a ring?

 

i really, really dont get this obsession with marriage.

why do so many women feel they need to be married in order for their lives to be complete?

 

your fella said 5 years, you're not there yet. But TBH saying 5 years is like a random thing people say when something seems so far off that there's no point thinking about it. it doesnt mean 5 years to the day.

 

Getting married isnt about compromise to keep you happy, its about you both wanting to get married.

 

I'm interested to know what you think would change if you did get married?

Why do you need to be married so badly that you would walk away from the love of your life over it?

[Lauriebell82]

He said he wanted to get married in 5 years and you aren't there yet. While that is a strange "rule" he DID tell you upfront, probably because he thought he could avoid this sort of pressure.

 

You gave him an ultimatum, so stick to it. If he doesn't propose then move out in 2 months. Like TBF said, if you don't you will lose all credibility.

 

But honestly, do you really want to force him to marry you before he's ready? Watch the movie "Hes Just not that Into you"

[allina]

You guys are 24 and 26, there is absolutely NO reason to rush him. Enjoy the relationship and keep growing as a couple.

[Mary3]

" I don't want to get married right now " ~~~

 

Translation : " I don't want to get married right now "

[PinkToes]

You guys are 24 and 26, there is absolutely NO reason to rush him. Enjoy the relationship and keep growing as a couple.

 

^ This. And stop wondering what's wrong with you if he isn't ready to get married. It's not about you. It's no one's fault if your timetables aren't in sync.

 

He's happy with the way things are, or he'd make an effort to change the situation. That's not a bad thing, it's just reality. So if it's not working for you, all you can do is decide how long you're willing to wait for him, and then make a change. Doesn't mean you have to break up; maybe you just need to live on your own.

 

Balance it out in your head: How badly do you want this, compared with how much it bothers you to have to wait. Keep tabs on this, as it will likely change over time.

 

Good luck!

[D-Lish]

Bottom line, the more you pressure, the more you push him away.

 

What if someone nagged you for a couple years to do something you didn't want to do. Would you do it? If you did do it, how would you feel about it? How would you feel about the person nagging you?

 

It just wouldn't be a meaningful proposal for either of you if he asks you to marry him because it's what you want. It will mean so much more if he asks because he is ready and it's what he really wants to do.

 

You've done the right thing by pulling back.

 

Women put this crazy pressure on themselves to have their big "white dress day".... It's what we are raised believing is a major right of passage.

 

Just remember, just because you are ready, doesn't mean he is ready.

It must be a heavy weight for both of you to carry- You're both experiencing pressure. I think you should try and relax and enjoy one another for a while. I am betting he will come around when the pressure is off.

[tahoebuffy]

I get what you are saying. The desire to be married is more than "just a ring and a piece of paper", as those jaded souls like to call it. Marriage is hard wired into our social culture, and for most of us, it is a milestone we want to reach, an experience that we crave and we have every right to. You want to wear the dress, and stand at the end of that long aisle looking into each others eyes, declaring for all the world that you choose each other. To call him husband instead of boyfriend, to have that symbol on your finger, that says, I love and I am loved in return, I have a life partner, we stand together above all else. I totally get the lure, I feel it myself. I know the frustration of wanting that and not getting it. It can rot you from the inside out, because if he loved you he would want the same thing right? In a perfect world maybe. Who knows what sort of hang ups he has about marriage. His 5 year timeline is totally riduculous, because placing a cement timeline on the product of love is simply an attempt to place it further from him. This is a major issue, and if you arent together on this one, it doesnt bode well for the future. So many people (mostly men) have commented that it would be wrong to force him to do something he doesnt want to do, but what about witholding something from you that you want so badly? Does that not also seem wrong? He wont give it, and you cant take it by force. Your ultimatum is sound and just, because you have every right to your dreams, but you need to mean every word you say. You have to be ready to leave. Not getting what you need from a relationship is a perfectly good reason for leaving. If you try to have a rational conversation about marriage, and he stonewalls you with his 5 year rule, then you need to either decide to leave, or decide to live with him as things are. Remember, if he still sticks to his 5 year rule, it could very possibly be a sign that he doesnt want to marry you, plain and simple. If staying with him as things are will rot you from the inside out, then leave and find someone who will. There are plenty of good men out there without marriage hang ups. Word to the wise, do not enter into major financial ventures with a man you are not married to. There is more to marriage than vows, it legally protects your rights to things like houses, cars, money, bank accounts, investments. I know women who never tied the knot and then ended up with only the clothes on their backs when the relationship ended because everything was in his name. Be smart. Make yourself happy. Leave if you need to. maybe the shock of living without you will make him realize what he threw away, and maybe not. Be prepared for both.

[Kizzyfur]

Why is getting married more important to you than your relationship?

 

Maybe he fears that getting married will change what y'all have together now.

Edited January 14, 2010 by Kizzyfur

[amymarieca]

I have also been in this situation myself and know others who have been as well. Mine didn't end well. Most situations like these don't end well, I'm sorry to say.

 

I do, however, disagree with you giving him an ultimatum. He told you from the very beginning that he wants to wait 5 years before marrying someone, so why did you ever expect that you were going to change that? I think his reasoning makes sense, especially considering the two of you are 24 and 26 years old. How do you know that you won't feel very different about someone after 5 years?

 

I dated someone from the time I was 18 till I was 26. Those ages are worlds apart. If he had proposed to me when I was a few years in to the relationship, I would have said yes, but we grew apart. I am glad we didn't end up married. You may feel this way at the age of 24, but you are still young. When you are 34 you will be at a totally different stage in your life. How do you know you will be able to make it work? I've never met anyone who said marriage was easy, or that it was the best decision they've ever made. That is something to think of before you make this huge commitment.

 

And really, do you think that forcing someone is the best way to do it? Do you think that you could really live with yourself knowing that the reason he married you was because you forced him into it? I say leave the situation alone and stay with him if you really love him. If he does it eventually, you'll know it's because he wants to.

[aerogurl87]

Mistake one was that you gave him an ultimatum. Never give a man an ultimatum when it comes to marriage as that will scare him even more! I do agree with giving yourself a deadline although I think you should've kept it to yourself. I've never been in this situation, but with my most recent boyfriend I gave myself a deadline of 3 months on whether or not to stay with him. My problems were different (he showed no emotion) and yet the solution works all the same. Talk about the issue first, if he doesn't budge come up with your own personal deadline (but do not tell him about it), and when the deadline comes if he isn't on the same page as you, walk. Yes it will be hard, but if being married is what you want, don't settle for less. People can say you should be happy as long as your relationship is good and a piece of paper shouldn't matter, blah blah blah. But they aren't the ones who are going to be miserable knowing that your living a lie because your not married like you wanted to be 20 years later. So yes, I say if he doesn't propose by your anniversary then it's time to leave. Maybe your breakup will make him want to propose to you because your so special to him, or maybe it won't, but don't dwell on that fact. Move on with your life and go find someone who wants the same things as you do. Life is too short to live a life where you settle for less than complete happiness.

[OnlyJake]

If you're tired of waiting, then it's time to move on. Start looking for apartments. Start packing up your boxes. You gave him a deadline, so act on it. If you don't, he'll know you were full of sh*t and will wait as long as he wants to wait.

 

This is exactly what I would've typed had norajane not beaten me to it.