Having Trouble Finding a Good Match - Any Suggestions?

[CrestfallenNoMore]

First off, I don’t subscribe to the “I’m too successful/cute/assertive/whatever and it intimidates/scares men off” way of thinking, so that's not what is going on here. I’m absolutely positive there is a guy out there who will someday appreciate my good qualities and all that I bring to the table. I had it once before, and am confident and open to finding it again.

 

But when I get out there, and try online dating I’m having a really difficult time finding someone who is compatible beyond the social/personal aspects. It's been difficult to even get to the first date, and when I do, I meet great, funny, intelligent men who become great friends, but there is usually one of three major stumbling blocks that crop up rather quickly (or get me disqualified right away) from dating potential.

 

The first is that I don’t want children, ever. I don’t have children and would also prefer not to date anyone with children. I have dated someone with one child before, and I would be open to that again, but it’s difficult to find someone at my age (I’m 35) who either doesn’t have, or doesn’t want children. Since it’s a black/white issue, that automatically rules out a lot of people from my pool, and me from theirs as I make that clear up front.

 

The second is that I have worked hard to build a great career, and I do very well. I make good money, own my own home, and live a really nice lifestyle. Many of the guys who contact me have jobs that don’t pay as well, and I’m having a hard time meeting someone who wants to (or can) live the same kind of lifestyle that I do. I understand and appreciate that, for many men, part of their self-esteem is built into their earning potential or ability to “take care” of their girl, and I’d love to find someone who brings to the table what I do income-wise to avoid that issue (and yes, to continue living a great lifestyle without me feeling like I’m bankrolling it), and it seems I make more than most of the guys I hear from and I am having trouble meeting guys who won’t blanch at nice dinner once in awhile or can afford trips, etc. And, it’s not like I can say “I make great money, so you should make at least X number of dollars” without sounding like a total douchebag.

 

The last point is the attraction level. I certainly don’t want a male model, but trying to find a really cute guy on these sites seems to be difficult for me. I’ve opened up my possibilities in this regard, but it seems like 80% of the men I hear from are just not my type, for whatever reason. Rarely does a cute guy, around my age and who fits my criteria contact me. Hmmm…maybe I’m not as cute as I like to think? hehe

 

I’m just getting very frustrated. I’m not looking for someone out of my league, I’m looking for someone IN my league, so I don’t feel that my expectations are too high here. And it seems "reasonably attractive, has a career and makes a good living, around my age and doesn’t want kids" has been almost impossible to find. When I enter in my search criteria, maybe 5 guys pop up.

 

I’ve tried POF, Match, eHarmony, and Geek2Geek (did the best here). Should I just keep trying (and pay to renew my membership on Match and G2G, perhaps?). Incidentally, I also attend wine events (though that’s usually a chick thing, I’ll admit), some Singles events and go out relatively often in the hopes of just meeting some guy organically but, again, the kind of guy I don’t want is the kind who approaches me. I admit, I'm not terribly assertive in approaching men, so maybe that's a skill I need to develop (despite the fact that I've been warned about doing so).

 

Any ideas? I’ve considered paying for a matchmaker, but I hear horror stories of getting ripped off and of other women in my situation finding out there are 5 girls for every guy – maybe we girls are just more willing to pay for the service? So, I don’t want to waste my money there.

 

Thanks for any feedback.

[neowulf]

The only advice I can think of is think hard about the "kinds" of men who might match your criteria.

 

 

For example,

 

We're basically talking driven, highly motivated types. Doctors, Bankers, etc.

 

Men who are career driven and not overly interested in having a family per say.

 

So given that, where do you imagine men like that might hang out?

 

High profile bars in the city? International conferences? Formal events.. etc.

 

Think of the kind of passtimes your partner might have and try and move yourself more into those social circles.

 

The second part of the puzzle is work on "flirting". Obviously I have no idea what your current skills are like, but I've read that a large number of approaches are actually signaled by the woman.

 

Work on signaling your interest in the men you're wanting to approach you.

 

I wish you luck in your search.

[CarrieT]

Crestfallen, I think I made almost the exact same post a year ago, except that I am 45 and I don't even care as much if they are cute. I own two businesses and never, ever wanted children so meeting guys without kids is a hard find!

 

I have had no success of PoF, Match, eHarmony, or OKCupid.

 

There is no specific advice I can give since I am still in the same boat. I had four dates last year and only two of them progressed to second dates. Next year I'm going to try a few Meetup.org meetings, probably wine-tastings. I'm also going to see if I can donate my time to a local museum since I am into the arts.

 

Good luck to both of us!

[Mary3]

I think its RARE to find a high paying man on POF ( Not saying impossible but rare )

 

Now maybe on EHarmony as they must pay $ 50 a month.

 

You know they have those millionaire sites. The men make excellent money and they are looking for an attractive female and some require the female make her own dough.

 

Then you have to deal with the men who LIE about how much they make. Self evident after a little while...

 

I think the * he does not have children * is more rare of a find. By 40 years most men have at least one child.

 

Then you have the self confirmed bachelor with no kids , no marriage history and often times they are quirky and eccentric and thats why they don't have a family .

[Pizzaman81]

Ambitious? career driven? don't want children?!

 

When can we meet?!

 

I think there are lots of men who would go for that. Like me for example. I seriously don't like the stay home wife who just cleans all day. Both of us must have careers then together our empire shall grow stronger!