susanl Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Well here it is my first Christmas divorced and I am thankful I am still not married to the selfish SOB (sound a little bitter--sorry). What I would like to ask of those that have been through this before is ---how do you cope with the selfishness and self centeredness of an ex-spouse in dealing with your kids. I am sure my situation isn't unique but we have no parenting plan per say because I have custody of the kids and the age of my children 18 and 16. But he calls them whenever and believe me not on a regular basis--maybe once a week if they are lucky. But my problem is is that he says okay here is what we are doing christmas eve and never asks me first--and originally he was only going to spend a couple of hours with them from about 2-4 because he had plans for that evening so I made my plans around that and now he changed it---I am at my wits end I am mad angry upset and this is killing me that he is taking advantage of me and my children and on top of it they really don't want to spend the time with him but they are doing it because he is their "dad"---although just in name because he has no relationship with them. I have found someone new and caring and wonderful who is a real dad to his kids and first it is killing me to see what kind of so called "dad" my ex is and just in general it is killing me emotionally. Maybe its just because it is the first christmas but I really need to do something because my stomach is killing me and I am getting to be a wreck over someone I don't care about and don't want anything to do with and I know I can't change him but I just don't know how to deal with it---please help Link to post Share on other sites
lostforwords Posted December 23, 2003 Share Posted December 23, 2003 Unfortunately there are no real quick answers....... my heart does go out to you..... it was hard for me as well..... and although my kids are a bit younger.... and my situation is a bit different.... nonetheless i hope i can help you as best as i can.... If he cant follow thru with his original plans id point out to him that he was the one who made the plans...... and your sticking by them (unless its no bother for you to have the kids change the plans but it is the principle of the matter that he shouldnt just take them on his time at his convenience) you 2 need to set out an agreement and ensure he sticks to it or plans get cancelled...... or because your kids are old enough to understand what thier dad is like... perhapos you can have them make thier decisions...... however id be careful at doing this as you dont want them to feel like thier being put in the middle..... and if thier is no court order or visitation agreement id say get one drawn up for your kids sake as well as yours..... its unfortunate that ex hubby needs to be selfish with his time regarding his plans ant his convenience.... however if you dont take a stand now.... it will get worse..... good luck to you and i hope it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 24, 2003 Share Posted December 24, 2003 As you know, I got blindsided with the Christmas week plan this year as well. I did not 'question to clarify' which I realize I have to do with the ex - gotta pin him down when he's vague. I send him an email at the beginning of each month to verify the weekends - been doing that for the last two months and it works pretty well, gives us a chance to negotiate and it's in writing and we can choose our words carefully since we aren't talking face to face - it's a business deal. I had to clarify drop off/pick up times as my youngest was getting to bed a few times after 9 at night - he needs a lot of sleep and I had a heck of a time getting him up in the morning for school. One time the ex was late picking up and luckily met me driving down the street - i just told him that I assumed he wasn't coming and since i had somewhere to go, the kids were going with me. That was the last time he was late. My teen son negotiates directly when he has a conflict - I was the middleman a couple times - way too stressful. I feel for you Susan - unfortunately, unless you feel you can do without your kids on Christmas Eve, you are going to have to confront him and let him know that he changed the timeframes, it isn't convenient for you and the kids and he's just going to have to make do with 2-4pm (or if you can give him a little more time on either end - then you can negotiate). Hang in there - I predict next year will be better for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author susanl Posted December 24, 2003 Author Share Posted December 24, 2003 Well just wanted to thank everyone for their words of wisdom. He pushed me one time to many and I decided that my children and myself were way more important than he is. So, yesterday I emailed him and told him he couldn't go back and forth in plans that involved the children and I wanted him to go back to the original plans that was early evening dinner and presents so the kids would be over at his apartment around 4:30. I also told him that the reason for this is that I was invited to Christmas eve dinner at the parents house of whom I am dating and I wasn't comfortable leaving the kids alone for all of christmas eve. He wrote back and said ok. I wrote one more time and told him the following week or so later when it is my son's birthday I want him to celebrate around lunch time since I am going to a football bowl game and won't be back until the afternoon and I want to celebrate his birthday that evening. Boy I feel good and I know it is a little step and the next time it might not work out this well, but this time it did and I figure one step at a time. Again thanks to everyone this board is wonderful!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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