I do not understand what happenned

[nlw82]

My wife of almost 5 years comes out of nowhere and tells me that she loves me but is no longer in love with me and after a lengthy discussion she says she wants a divorce. Her sister apparently talked her into marriage counseling after she dismissed the idea when I brought it up. We have two kids, 11 and 9, that are from a previous marriage of hers but I see them as my own although I have no legal rights to them as their biological father refused my adoption of them. I don't want to lose my family and she tells me that this whole things has been gradual over time she just didn't realize it, however she has no reasoning behind not being in love with me and when I ask what she thinks happened she says she doesn't know. This may be shock and hurt talking but I cannot understand how someone cannot not know why they no longer love someone or rather are no long "in love" with someone. It makes no sense to me. I feel shock, numb, and completely devastated. I love my wife more than anything on this earth and up until a couple of days ago I felt everything was fine. In the past we have had our arguments sure, but doesn't everyone? During a few of these arguments I would ask her what was wrong and if there was anything I could do and she would tell me that it was nothing, but now she says in hindsight it must have been that she was falling out of love. I have no thoughts of harming myself or anyone else but I just feel so depressed it's unreal. I keep hoping to wake up.

[mark982]

nlw, i'm sorry for these things happening to you,especially at this time of year. but usually when you get the "i love you, but not in love with you" speach,there's 9x outta 10 some other man hiding in the wings. you're going to have to do some spy work .

[nobmagnet]

oh goodness how awful for you.

 

Firstly welcome to loveshack im sorry your here but and pleased you found us. xx

 

the words she used are classic somebody is in the background. Might not be but I am sorry to say that there useually is.

 

Your completely non plussed at the moment. Dazed, confused, scared and its soooooooo understandable. Mine did the ILYBINILWY in september. He left. I have to sell my home, pick up all the sh*t devastation and fall out. IT wont help you much at the moment because of you pain but im getting on well now.

 

will she do MC?? if so go. I can tell you dont want this so try to persuade her to go. If nothing else you might have a greater understang why she feels like this.

 

keep posting love xx

[hopesndreams]

WAKE UP!!

 

This isn't one of your nightmares. This is really happening.

 

when I ask what she thinks happened she says she doesn't know.

 

She does know but she isn't letting you in on it. You need to investigate. You need to know what and mainly who the enemy is before you can begin to fight to save your M or even if you want to bother after the truth is staring you in the face.

 

Think. There must have been some changes in her personality before the bomb dropped. What were they?

[reboot]

They all read the same script don't they.

[nobmagnet]

recon there is a book out there for them................same old script.

[floridapad]

NLW,

 

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I was in the same boat as you, except my marriage was 16 years. I came on this site wondering what happened looking for support and all the militaristic "lunies" immediately said there is another man. It made me angry when they said that because "they" do not know my W like I do. BS I said, my wife would never do that. She is a devout Christian and never even cheated on a BF. Well, unfortunateloy they were all right. The longer you are on this site the more you will see the pattern of how men who receive the sudden "I love you but not in love with you" speach or "I want a divorce and I don't know why I don't love you any more" is indeed because 9x out of 10 there is another OM in the picture.

 

First thing is first. DON'T PANICK. I know hard not to. You definately need to do a little spy work to determine for certain there is an OM or not. If for some reason you feel it necessary to ask your wife about an OM, DON'T beleive her when she tells you no. My W lied and lied and this was a women who hated to lie. You need to figure this out yourself by looking at cell records, installing key loggers etc.

 

Having the right intel in these situations is critical to determining how to move forward not only with your W but more importantly with yourself.

[tojaz]

NLW,

I'm with everyone here, time to get to work.

 

1. Dont Panic! Your panic is going to show and she like a nervous dog is going to want to get as far away as possible.

 

2. Take your time! In the early stages time is on your side, if you push for to much or rush the process you'll just push her away

 

3. Recon! Not just looking for OM but anything that may have spurred this in her, new single friends, a recently divorced friend, spiteful family member etc also keep in mind OM is not necessarily physical Look for EAs possibly existing solely on line.

 

4. Educate your self! Start reading, books, other threads here, websites, whatever it takes, learn what went wrong and what your part in it was. Yes you had one, we all do.

 

5. KEEP POSTING!!! Theres a lot of knowledge and a lot of support here. My sorry butt is here every day, we may not help your marriage survive, but the people here are either considering it, going through it, or have survived it. We can help YOU survive.

 

TOJAZ

[MrWhatever]

Listen, I do not know all the facts but my attitude is that I will never stay with anyone or work on anything where I am not wanted. She didn't give YOU an option to work on it. She said, "I want a divorce." Obviously she has had the advantage of time. Meaning she thought about it and hit you with it....at one time. This is why you are hurting. You have lost equality and haven't been given the opportunity to discuss this BEFORE she made her decision. You also feel overwhelmed. Take some time and analyze past events. Maybe you missed something. But, in the meantime.....think about YOURSELF and prepare for a divorce. If not, you will ALWAYS be out-of-control because you will send her the message that SHE controls the success and happiness of the marriage.

[nlw82]

First of all I want to thank everyone for their comments. My wife and I have had some discussions that for the most part remained calm and cordial. She is willing to do MC, be it to appease her parents who are not real happy with her, or simply because she may be thinking of the kids. My wife does not however believe that our marriage can be saved and simply says that we are different people now and and that her coming to this realization have happened of the course of a few years. I'm starting to wonder if I should have gotten married at all because if she says her feelings changed over a few years, we've only been married 4 1/2 and together 5 1/2. I digress. I did ask her about OM and she still denies it and got really upset when I asked. Now she has taken to telling me about every phone call or e-mail she sends, but I didn't accuse her I simply asked questions about things I had noticed or revisited that seemed out of place and she took it as such. I'm still at a loss I guess.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I did ask her about OM and she still denies it and got really upset when I asked.

 

They never tell the truth at first. It is easier for them not to.

[Steadfast]

 

I did ask her about OM and she still denies it and got really upset when I asked. Now she has taken to telling me about every phone call or e-mail she sends...

 

 

First, you need to know there is another man. It isn't a guess, it's a fact. I'm sorry. People don't get angry or defensive when they're innocent. Your wife is lying and exhibiting all the classic signs of a cheater. They lie.

 

If she does MC with you don't worry; if the councilor has half a brain they'll put it out in the first session or two. That is the number one reason cheaters don't want MC; it's because they fear the lies will be exposed.

 

For now, hang in, check her cell phone bill and keep an eye on her work patterns. IMPORTANT!! Treat her with understanding but do not allow yourself to me manipulated. This includes her saying you're making her feel guilty. Got it? Now pray for strength and get your head right.

[nlw82]

Well it has been about a week since my wife told me she wanted a divorce and to be honest I am feeling much better about the situation. I certainly do not want to give up on my marriage but I have come to the realization that I cannot do anything about it. My wife has agreed to marriage counseling for the moment and while I am hopeful of the outcome I am under no delusions that it may very well be over and done with. The hardest part of this really is losing the person I considered a life partner and harder still losing my kids. There are my step kids but I certainly do not see them that way and I have no legal right to them. I do not think that she would keep me from seeing them if I wanted to but I wonder if seeing them while not being constantly there would hurt them in the long run. I do want to thank everyone for the support.

[mark982]

just remember, when her lips are moving she's lying.

[imagine]

Pay Attention: MC does not work if she is with OM. They use it to justify there disappearance.

 

Absolutely find out whether there is an EA/PA in progress before continuing MC.

[floridapad]

NLW -

 

Listen to Imagines advice. MC won't work if ther is an OM. In your post she mentioned the only reason she is going to MC is to appease her parents. WTF? Isn't MC supposed to be there to help the marrriage?? PLEASE do your intel on searching for an OM. Install keloggers (webwatchers is my favorite) and looking through cell phone records.

 

If she wants to do MC I WOULD NOT go to a regular MC but a weekend retreat that is intensive. Retrouviulle(sp?) or marriage builders, otherwise whats the point.

[El Ben]

I disagree with everyone else here. It is indeed possible (or even likely) that there is another man in the background, but this is not neccesarily the case. She may simply have fallen out of love for some other reason. One way to lose whatever dignity and friendship you still have with each other is to decide (like a lot of guys have decided on this forum, come on!!!) that she is with someone else if she isn't.

 

By all means, keep an open mind, by all means investigate. But don't assume it's so until you know - a bias can cause you to see signs that aren't there. As Mark said, 9x out of 10, not 10 out of 10.

 

Re Steadfast: People don't get angry or defensive when they're innocent

 

Are you serious??

[curiou]

I disagree with everyone else here. It is indeed possible (or even likely) that there is another man in the background, but this is not neccesarily the case. She may simply have fallen out of love for some other reason. One way to lose whatever dignity and friendship you still have with each other is to decide (like a lot of guys have decided on this forum, come on!!!) that she is with someone else if she isn't.

 

By all means, keep an open mind, by all means investigate. But don't assume it's so until you know - a bias can cause you to see signs that aren't there. As Mark said, 9x out of 10, not 10 out of 10.

 

Re Steadfast: People don't get angry or defensive when they're innocent

 

Are you serious??

 

I see what you're saying, El Ben, so I'll just say that it's 97 times out of a 100

[El Ben]

I see what you're saying, El Ben, so I'll just say that it's 97 times out of a 100

 

I'm assuming here that you have conducted some research to come to this figure?

 

[reboot]

I'm assuming here that you have conducted some research to come to this figure?

 

 

His story and her reaction is straight out of the book. I've seen it a thousand times in a thousand threads on this forum. I saw it in my own marriage. It's always possible you're right, but it isn't likely.

[cyabye]

I disagree with everyone else here. It is indeed possible (or even likely) that there is another man in the background, but this is not neccesarily the case. She may simply have fallen out of love for some other reason. One way to lose whatever dignity and friendship you still have with each other is to decide (like a lot of guys have decided on this forum, come on!!!) that she is with someone else if she isn't.

 

By all means, keep an open mind, by all means investigate. But don't assume it's so until you know - a bias can cause you to see signs that aren't there. As Mark said, 9x out of 10, not 10 out of 10.

 

Re Steadfast: People don't get angry or defensive when they're innocent

 

Are you serious??

 

Yeah OK and I have some fine water front property to sell you in New Orleans. Women just don't fall out of love. Believing that is very naive. Women do not leave unless there is violence in the household, adultery on the husband's part or another man waiting on the otherside. ILBNILWU is a cop out to I am in love within someone else but I don't have the "guts" to tell you that. El Ben, would like to read your story if available. The last thing Nlw82 needs is false hope when this is clearly the reality.

 

cya

[El Ben]

Yeah OK and I have some fine water front property to sell you in New Orleans. Women just don't fall out of love. Believing that is very naive. Women do not leave unless there is violence in the household, adultery on the husband's part or another man waiting on the otherside. ILBNILWU is a cop out to I am in love within someone else but I don't have the "guts" to tell you that. El Ben, would like to read your story if available. The last thing Nlw82 needs is false hope when this is clearly the reality.

 

cya

 

See here, I don't get this whole "women don't leave" attitude. Women DO leave. And they leave for reasons that aren't in your script. I'm extremely uncomfortable with what feels to me like a rather disrespectful pigeonhole-ing of how women behave.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to give NL false hope, personally I do believe his wife is indeed cheating. But that's just it, a belief. I have no problems with people preparing NL for what's most likely the case, it's always good to expect the worst. I however do have a problem with people stating what at best is an educated guess as though it were fact (like Fox news )

[reboot]

Yes. Women DO leave for reasons that aren't in the script. But it's the exception, not the rule.

[cyabye]

See here, I don't get this whole "women don't leave" attitude. Women DO leave. And they leave for reasons that aren't in your script. I'm extremely uncomfortable with what feels to me like a rather disrespectful pigeonhole-ing of how women behave.

 

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to give NL false hope, personally I do believe his wife is indeed cheating. But that's just it, a belief. I have no problems with people preparing NL for what's most likely the case, it's always good to expect the worst. I however do have a problem with people stating what at best is an educated guess as though it were fact (like Fox news )

 

 

OK. Maybe not fact but if I were a betting man, I would pay close attention to the odds. Of course women do leave. I stated that. But they leave for a REASON. Not as simple as "it's because I don't love you anymore". There MUST be an underlying reason. Whatever the reason is, there is a REASON. Especially if there was no verbal/physical fighting, cheating, financial irresponsibility etc. on the husband's part. To just CUT things off, one has to wonder. Again, what's your experience?

 

cya

[El Ben]

OK. Maybe not fact but if I were a betting man, I would pay close attention to the odds. Of course women do leave. I stated that. But they leave for a REASON. Not as simple as "it's because I don't love you anymore". There MUST be an underlying reason. Whatever the reason is, there is a REASON. Especially if there was no verbal/physical fighting, cheating, financial irresponsibility etc. on the husband's part. To just CUT things off, one has to wonder. Again, what's your experience?

 

cya

 

Ah. Mine is kind of winding down after several counselling sessions. More with a whimper than with a bang.

 

But this isn't my thread....