why can't I commit?

[sad__and__confused]

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 11 years. We met at university and became great friends which moved into a relationship after around 6 weeks, we were in the same friendship group (which still exists today) and spent a lot of time together. We are each others first and only relationships. We broke up for a year at university, but then got back together (she persued me and we were seeing each other all of the time anyway due to being in the same group of frineds). During our twenties we have stayed in a commited relationship and have also done our different things in terms of career and study, I have a strong independent streak and have done a lot of independent travelling. I have also suffered from two serious bouts of depression, each lasting around a year, which have stemmed from doubts around career - and also doubts over our relationship - through each bout of depression she has been more of a friend than a partner, but has helped me through. We share the same close friendship group still and she is an integral part of my family life (although we don't see family as often as I'd like as we both work busy lives in London). We are both perfectionists and highly successful people in independent stressful careers.

 

For the last two years we have lived togther, which we have both enjoyed, and we have just come back from a 6 month sabbatical travelling around the world. Since returning I have fallen into a third bout of major depression, we are living together again now but I have confessed to her that I have doubts about our future and that I am not sure whether I can commit to marriage (which feels awful after 11 years). I have never really thought about marriage and children before, always concentrating on work, or travel and putting those thoughts off until later. I am worried that now I have thought about whether I can marry my girlfriend that I have uncovered issues that she is not the person I can commit to (even although underneath it all I know we are great friends and share same values etc). I overanalyse this far too much and my thoughts are in constant turmoil changing from day-to-day and hour-to-hour.

 

In summary,

We are best friends, soulmates and companions.

I can be very open with her - I have discussed most of these feelings with her.

I feel that I could not live without her now - I would certainly enter another phase of depreession if we separated

We have common views on the future in terms of wanting to lead less stressful lives and raise a family

I am worried that I am throwing away a relationship that I could never recreate and makes me happy for a lot of the time.

I enjoy living together with things the way they are at the moment.

Our lives are interlinked in many many way, particularly through my family and our close friends - and breaking apart would be very very painful for both of us and the people around us

Am I just having normal commitment issues that I need to work through?

 

However

I have doubts about our relationship which I can't seem to put out of my head.

I don't want to enter mariage and kids with someone if I have these constant nagging doubts

I have always felt that she was more into me than I was to her - although I think I love her now, and my love for her has developed over time.

I have issues that she is the only girl I have ever had a relationship with, and I am also worried that I don't find her attractive any more.

I have develped an issue around her appearance - she is 6''3' and stands out in a crowd - which recently I can not get out of my head.

I have had feelings for other peope over the last ten years, including one of our common friends - but have never acted on these

I am worried that this relationship leads to doubts which lead to depression which will continue to cycle throughout my life?

I have worries that our relationship replaced the family bond I left behind when going to university and that I could not cope without that close bond with someone - do I need to live completely unattached for a period of my life?

 

I can't work out whether this relationship is something that I need to stick with and work at, because it is a relationship which brings me a lot of happiness and I just need to see this current period of doubt and deression through. Or whether the relationship is doomed to fail if I have these doubts and that we need to finish it now and go through the huge amount of pain it will cause in order to move on with our lives? Do I need to stand up and have the courage to end something that is very special to me and to hurt someone who is my closest friend. I feel we have the closeness in a relationship which most couples get when they already have a family, so these doubts would normally be consumed by further bonds with children etc, however I am only 29, so still have many single friends and opportunities to have another relationship.

 

Although I have written about this fairly logically, I am in complete emotional turmoil over this, and have become extremely depressed - I am struggling with day to day functioning at the moment, and am seeing a psychologist and considering a course of antidepressants). I also have very few people who I can discuss this openly with, since all of our friends and family are shared - in fact the person I discuss it with most is her. (her point of view is that she loves me and wants to do anything to get me through depression, and then the choice as whether to separate is mine - which only makes me love her even more).

 

Any thoughts on how I can put all of this into perspective and do some soul searching as to what I need to do? I feel completely trapped, I don't want to lose my best friend and companion, but the future with these doubts seems like an awful prospect. I don't want people to tell me what to do, but any advice about the right questions I can ask myself would be great.

Edited December 31, 2009 by sad__and__confused

[stillafool]

Your heart is telling you it is not time to commit. When you meet the right person you are meant to marry, you won't be able to wait to commit to her. This girl is not the right one for you and don't waste any more of your time or hers. Move on and find your destiny.

[temple]

I agree with stillafool. Make the decision to leave now and you will both find happiness, true happiness, elsewhere. Staying will only increase the pain.

[Crusoe]

I have always considered to unwise to make big life decisions when you know your head isn't in the right place. I would look to ride out this current bout of depresson before making any changes.

[Angel1111]

I agree with everyone else - she's just not the right person for you. Don't make the mistake of thinking that history = the right relationship. There's just something that's not quite right for you in this relationship and that's why you can't commit. If she hadn't pursued you after the break-up, you probably wouldn't have pursued her and would've moved on to someone else. And, btw, please don't start taking anti-depressants. Drugs aren't the answer. Get out, get free, get happy. Yes, it will be very tough at first but, as you have already learned in life, you have to get past the obstacles in order to get what you want.

[hoping2heal]

To be quite honest? I think the reason you can't comitt is because there is a nagging voice telling you it's the wrong thing to do. Furthermore, why is that nagging voice telling you it's wrong? Well, quite frankly it sounds almost as if you have forced yourself to accept this relationship. Like it's something you think you should DO, something you think you SHOULD feel. The reality is, you don't really feel those things and it isn't right. I believe you do care for her as a person very strongly; I don't at all think you are in-love with her though.

 

I don't doubt you would be sad and depressed if you ended the relationship. You have 11 years together, it would be hard to lose a staple in your life after 11 years- but that's why it would be sad and depressing to you, not because you are losing the love of your life. You think if she was your soulmate you would of had feelings for other women along the way? You think if you were soulmates you would give a rat's behind that she is 6"3? No. In fact, it's not even about her being 6'3 at all.

 

It's like when people say they aren't attracted anymore- but it has nothing to do with the physical- and everything to do with the emotional. I don't think persuing this relationship is in your or hers best interest if you aren't in love with her. She sounds like your "best friend" not your passionate love.

[tahoebuffy]

I feel your pain, and that is because I have been where you are. I was with a man for 9 years. He was the perfect guy, considerate, thoughtful, loving, affectionate, dependable, funny, etc. We became so fused we had all the same friends, lived together. He was my best friend, I loved talking to him, I could tell him anything. The problem? I didnt feel what I thought I should feel about the man I had been with for 9 long years. He started to bring up marriage, and I would panic. Scared to say yes and terrified to say no. I would look at him and feel no sexual attraction whatsoever, and sex with him was empty. Sometimes I woud cry afterwards, where were the fireworks? Where was the blinding passion I had heard so much about and never had? On the one hand, he was everything I ever wanted, and on the other, my heart wasnt in it. My fears ran to our friends as well. What would happen to the group dynamic if we split? Would people take sides? Would it destroy the group? Would they all hate me for breaking his heart? I knew 4 years in that he didnt feel "right". He didnt feel like "the one", he just seemed to be the one I was with right now. It took me 5 years to break it off, thats how hard it was for me to hurt him. Every single day I thought about it, and every single day I managed to hide my true feelings from him and everyone else. Just because I didnt want to marry him didnt mean he wasnt my best friend. How do you tear your best friend out of you by the roots? It was the hardest thing I ever did. I didnt exactly go about it the right way either. I hadnt had good sex in 5 years, and I was so desperate to FEEL something, I ended up cheating on him for some worthless loser just because he was hot and made me feel things. It was that catalyst that forced my hand. I KNEW there had to be more out there for me. I couldnt face the prospect of never knowing anything more that the despair I felt everytime someone asked when we were going to get married and I pictured having to walk down the aisle toward someone I didnt truly love with my heart and soul. It was gut wrenching, absolutely agonizing to break up with him. I wont lie, it will be BAD. It was so bad I moved to another city. Having to break his heart broke mine into a thousand pieces, but in hindsight, now 4 years post break up, I dont regret my decision. Not. One. Bit. I did what I had to do to give myself the best chance at happiness. Those feelings of nagging doubt and despair are telling you the truth that you have denied yourself thus far. She is not the one. You may love her for the wonderful person she is, the best friend, the soulmate, but if your heart is not filled with passion for her, it never will be. Do what you know you need to do and move away if you have to. I found someone after him, someone who lights me up inside in a way HE never did or could have. Allow yourself that reality.