bestplayer Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 This is so much more complicated since we have a 9-yr old and a 5-yr old Its definately complicated but i think u have got over the toughest part . now Its time to think about u & only u & enjoy life . Best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
JLoves Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Being in the same situation, same aged kids, same W who doesn't want to work on the relationship. (minus the OM.. except it was EA) I just want to wish you good luck. I hope it works out. Actually, regardless it will work out someway. Keep trying until you have tried your best. Then you'll know you tried your damnedest to make it work. We have all got your back. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 I went to the site....great info, but now what do I do? Do a Plan A. Expose EA and meet her emotional needs! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 I'd love to mail the OM's wife the emails I found...but I know that'll keep my wife from reconciling with me!...on the flip side, trying to talk with her hasn't helped either. See why I'm lost? Do it, OMW has a right to know. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 She told me Monday night that she was sure it is over...she doesn't have it in her to try to fix this... Get the D ball rolling, which you will Monday afternoon, right? Live at your house when you're not working, do not walk away from your home and children, she wants out, she is the one that leaves. She doesn't want to work on M, she needs to find herself a place to live and get a job. She has big girl responsibilities now and she does not have you to fall back on. Do not make this easy on her, she doesn't deserve it. You'll then see who comes out of the woodwork. Expose the A. You owe her nothing now. Do let the OM's W know. The truth needs to come out. You will hurt, will you ever, but you have done all you can and in time, and working on you and putting you and your kids first, you will recover. You will thrive once you get this poison, your cheating W, out of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Problem is NJ is a no fault state. It doesn't matter what happened in the marriage, everything is split 50/50...we talked of mediation to keep the cost down. In all honesty, today I feel like I don't want her back because I think she's too f'ed in the head, from what I've been experiencing lately. She made no effort to call me today...and I didn't call her. I think I'll call home in the am and of a msg, knowing she isn't there, and just come home on Monday....but I will b speaking to a lawyer Monday afternoon... I think she's very mentally unstable right now, and doesn't know what she wants....but I'm getting more and more turned off by her. If this is not the Indifference stage, it's pretty darn close! Link to post Share on other sites
soul searching Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Do this and your done. She doesn't want to fix the marriage, it's dead. This is the part where most fail to see the obvious. You have to start all over with her, from day 1. You have to establish the new you first of all, and having a serious talk now will jeopardize that. You will come off as weak and needy, and you are not, right? Remember what i said about advice on here. I agree with tnttim... No more heart-to-heart talks. You are only opening yourself up to more hurt, and she is possibly enjoying stringing you along with more "talks." You have already made it clear that you wanted to work on the marriage - enough said! Continue with NC. You sound better and better each day. And the more you focus on yourself (with fewer slip-ups with checking up on her and what she's doing...) the better you are going to feel. I started the NC with H on 12/30, and even though my m is over, I am starting to feel better about myself and the future. Stay strong, flight! Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 Hi everyone, remember me, the guy that actually got his cheating wife back, it's nice to know you all. Flightlevel when are you going to listen to me and stop doubting yourself. Read that damn book already, and follow it to a T. You shouldn't expose the OM to his wife because remember you don't care. She can go out and f*ck the whole NY Knicks team for all you care. If you expose it you will show your wife that you still care, that's it. You may feel that you care inside, but don't show it because then she has you. Your whole focus now should be showing your independence. This invovles leaving your past mistakes and hers behind you. You should push the divorce, hey she doesn't want it as bad as you think, believe me. You should be going out and having fun, meeting woman. You should be taking care of your babies, and showing how good of a father you are. Woman think life is a fairytale, like a disney book. If you have a daughter, think of the games she plays now. Dress up, house, barbies, fake babies, and she thinks she's a princess. Well woman never really that go, it's what makes them women. So with that being said, have you ever seen her play, let's not get divorced because I love you, or I should stay with this guy because we have kids, nope. You have to be a Disney prince, and what are their qualities. Independent, Strong, Successful, Dashing, Care free, Handsome, Noble, Fearless, and Fatherly. Well, are you emulating any of these qualities? or are you being the opposite. So next time you don't know what to say, or do, think what would a Disney Prince do? Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 I just had an epiphany.... Level, when she talks about divorce, how do feel? When she goes out alone, how do you feel? When she doesn't call, how do you feel? Guess what? when you do the same to her she feels the way you feel when she does it to you. I think you are missing that fact. That's why NC, pushing the divorce, and going out are so important right now. She thinks really hard when you do it to her, and that's what she needs to do. You are very lucky right now to be in the house. I think it is a godsend that you have a really good shot at getting her back. But you have to play your cards right, while you still have the chance. Please don't listen to anyone that says you should tell her what to do. Make her think about it on her own, it's way more effective. You know how to make her think, now you have to follow through and do it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 3, 2010 Share Posted January 3, 2010 tim - face REALITY! SHE doesn't want to even try... she checked out but is willing to use him as her emotional crutch. nothing healthy about him hanging around for more of that pain. she's been perfectly clear - he needs to respect that. quit pushing when there's nothing more to push. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 tim - face REALITY! SHE doesn't want to even try... she checked out but is willing to use him as her emotional crutch. nothing healthy about him hanging around for more of that pain. she's been perfectly clear - he needs to respect that. quit pushing when there's nothing more to push. Nice Pic 2sunny! Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 tim - face REALITY! SHE doesn't want to even try... she checked out but is willing to use him as her emotional crutch. nothing healthy about him hanging around for more of that pain. she's been perfectly clear - he needs to respect that. quit pushing when there's nothing more to push. my wife did and said the same things, I got her back though. He doesn't want to give up, so you don't force him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Calling a lawyer a friend of mine used...he only has to pay $300/month child support for his son...I could swing that for each of my kids. She asked we don't take any legal action before we finish the divorce course...from what I've uncovered she's not going to "have a chg of heart" towards me...i'm going to see if I can serve her before the end of the week Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Calling a lawyer a friend of mine used...he only has to pay $300/month child support for his son...I could swing that for each of my kids. She asked we don't take any legal action before we finish the divorce course...from what I've uncovered she's not going to "have a chg of heart" towards me...i'm going to see if I can serve her before the end of the week what was uncovered? Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Her reactivating of Facebook and blocking me from seeing her profile...I chkd her cell history today...she's made 3 calls TO a number that shows BLOCKED, and over 2 hrs in total duration...I think it's OM's cell number Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 I will give her some 180/Homer treatment tomorrow...to see if she cracks...I read his book twice over the wknd, and a lot of it applies to me... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 should be expected, was all along. just explains more of why she's been quiet on her side these past few days. i think she honestly only calls you to manipulate and try to snow you to get her way... whatever that may be for the given day she's having. have her move. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 stop calling her everyday. no need to call her when you're away... only text once a day if you're home. you're constant contact is pushing her further away. if she needs something - she'll call. she has stated very clearly that she's checked out of the M and you look like you're pushing her too hard. back off. if i were her - you would be bugging the crap out of me. give her space - meanwhile go do your thing. stay busy, read, take a class etc. if she's checked out - you need to show her what uncomfortable looks like so she gets a bit motivated to consider other options. if she's truly interested in another OM/OW now - there is nothing you can do to change her mind while she's in this fog, except take away her comfort zone... and quickly... part of this might involve LC/NC and minimal money. maybe consider asking her to move - since she wants away from you - make sure she gets what she asks for. and stop talking to her endless amounts! every time you reach out with your big heart she's laughing at how she has the opportunity to stomp on it... you are making it easy for her to walk all over you, DON'T. just repeating since it still seems more pertinent now... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Calling a lawyer a friend of mine used...he only has to pay $300/month child support for his son...I could swing that for each of my kids. She asked we don't take any legal action before we finish the divorce course...from what I've uncovered she's not going to "have a chg of heart" towards me...I'm going to see if I can serve her before the end of the week Oh NO, NO, NO! It doesn't work like that at all. It varies from state to state (because of the cost of living factor) but the basic mathematical formula is the same. They take your income and the wife's income combine the two, divide by the sum of the total to determine a percentage. Then they look down a handy dandy chart to come up what the cost of raising X amount of children in your given state. Since the wife is a SAHM, you could be looking at Paying out (as a general rule of thumb for two children) about 25 percent or more of your after tax income. Now comes in other variables to the equation. How martial assets are divided, what martial responsibilities / bills / obligations are divided. Who gets the tax deductions (usually the best way is she takes one and you take one. But? Depending how much of a burden you personally take on? It could be that you should get the deduction for both of the children) Being a commercial airline pilot may make it difficult for you to seek sole custody. That would depend upon your ability to employ a full time in house "Nanny" But which would be cheaper? Doing so or paying the STBXW. What the courts fail to realize about such things is that the cost of having an additional person live with you is an incremental cost. That is to say that the cost in terms utilities, rent, food is an incremental cost. Say you rent a one bedroom apartment for $300 a month (Doable in Alabama) The cost of renting a two bedroom apartment isn't $600 ~ its say $350 or maybe $400. One's light bill doesn't go up all that much just because you've got another person living with you. You would burn those lights, watch tv pay the same for cable even if they weren't there. The cost of cooking a meal for for one is the same as cooking a meal for two or three. Its also not taken in to consideration that in the process of going through divorce you can expect to lose approximately half of the material possessions that you've already acquired. Assuming you have a son and a daughter and you let the STBXW take their bedrooms, that means in order for them to have so-called visitation ~ your going to have to go out and buy new bedroom suits for them in your new so called home. All the while replacing for your own personal use things that you've already bought. (Pots, pans, ~ you name it) and all a much reduced stressed income.) The tax laws are not set up for divorced fathers ~ alimony is tax deductible ~ child support isn't? WTF is up with that? Most husbands don't pay alimony ~ but most do pay child support. And if they don't? They lose their licences, (fishing, driver's, hunting, professional ~ you did say you were a commercial airline pilot right? ) get heavily fined, and go to jail. DO NOT use the lawyer of a friend of a friend. At the bare minimum you should speak to no less than three different attorney's. Check the one's off that swear they will make her pay through the nose! Nor the ones that tell you to lay down and stand by to stand by ~ its only going to hurt you for a short while. You need to slow down in this "having her served before the end of the week" You've got a lot of stake here ~ with repercussions that can affect you years upon years from now. A lot of lawyers are not your friend. They're just out to turn another case over. In fact I would trust a car salesman more than I would a lawyer. A good one is worth their weight in gold ~ and there are a lot of good ones. But there are a lot of shysters out there. You can't be too careful. Divorce lawyers didn't exactly graduate at the top of their law class. There's a reason they're practicing "Divorce Law" instead of going after multi million (or billion) dollar corporate law suits. You don't see too many Harvard Law School grads practicing divorce law. Unless we're speaking about those that involve people that are worth millions or billions? As a Marine Gunny? I was paying out $800 a MONTH in child support. ( And my divorce was in Alabama) If you think that as a commercial airline pilot earning a five or six figured income from NJ that your only going to pay $600 a month in child support ~ think a damn again! A fellow Marine Gunny who got divorced in CA, was ordered to pay $1300 a month in child support for ONE child. He re-married with two step children. He hid out in Okinawa Japan under the Soldiers and Sailor Relief Act, (You can't be sued in civil court while in the military and stationed overseas) Still had to pay (by garnishment of his wages and paycheck) $800 a month in child support. Even after his DD is grown and gone ~ he's obligated to pay his DXW for the difference. In OW's? Ching~ching for the XHEX. And Oh! BTW? The XHEX gets half of his retirement, commissary privileges, PX privileges, MWR privileges, TRICARE health insurance and Delta Dental insurance (combined monthly premiums are $120 a month if your married, co-pays less than $20 for doctor's visits, prescriptions, ambulances, E-Room visits.) And didn't serve day one in the military. You need to slow down on this divorce process less you find yourself getting seriously @zz-raped in divorce court! Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 Yeah Gunny, I see your point about rushing. My friend is a pilot I know from work, and he's used this atty twice in 2 divorces (typical pilot . My wife does work as a fitness instructor and a translator and makes about $20k...that's more than my friend's wife and he didn't have to pay alimony... Link to post Share on other sites
Author FlightLevel370 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Share Posted January 4, 2010 She was "loving" enough to forward me an email that eharmony had no membership fee over the wknd....she wrote she "thought I might b interested"...bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 She was "loving" enough to forward me an email that eharmony had no membership fee over the wknd....she wrote she "thought I might b interested"...bitch! Now ya see, only someone who has a lot of resentment would do that. Why is she so resentful?! Only people who have been hurt want to hurt back! Link to post Share on other sites
tnttim Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 Now ya see, only someone who has a lot of resentment would do that. Why is she so resentful?! Only people who have been hurt want to hurt back! My wife did the almost the same thing, she tried setting me up with a cute friend of hers, she said she would be good to the kids. I think it's more guilt than resentment, read posts from her side of the story. Even though she's seeing someone else, she feels bad for you and doesn't want to hurt you. Your doing the right thing, just don't be surprised when she backs off the whole divorce thing and asks you to wait a few months for _______, fill in your own excuse. That book is crazy isn't it? The really crazy part is when it starts working in ways you never imagined. But like I said, it's a great book even if you don't stop your divorce. I e-mailed the author and told him "I realize now your book has very little with saving your marriage. It has more merit on helping you move on after the divorce." He wrote back that many people never get that point and that I'm way further along than most ever get. Good luck Flight, and stick to your game plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Brightmoon Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) She was "loving" enough to forward me an email that eharmony had no membership fee over the wknd....she wrote she "thought I might b interested"...bitch! Ouch!! Hell of a lot of money references here (the whole thread)..I am wondering if money was a sticking issue...if she felt controlled by money and disparity in your incomes... Agree with Red Devil.. hurt people hurt.. Edited January 4, 2010 by Brightmoon Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 4, 2010 Share Posted January 4, 2010 She was "loving" enough to forward me an email that eharmony had no membership fee over the wknd....she wrote she "thought I might b interested"...bitch! Good lord! What a B*tch is right! Link to post Share on other sites
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